Haterz!

On the Contact Us page, we have a pretty obvious disclaimer about hate mail. To quote ourselves:

If we choose to, any hate mail we receive can be mercilessly mocked in public. In Smart Bitch legalese, this translates to: “We hereby reserve the right to publish your ranty asshattery as an example of fine ranty asshattery and protect therein our opportunity to mock the ever livin’ shit out of your ass.”

We will mock you for an email that says, “u suck and ur ugly i bet ur bad in bed so why dont u just get laid and stfu.”

We will not necessarily mock you for an email that says, “I am so upset at you and here is why.”

There’s a big difference. Those of you who don’t know it, e-mail us at your own peril.

Yes, we get hate mail here at Smart Bitches HQ. Like the one I received tonight in response to this review. From 2005. About the Carpathian series by Christine Feehan. I’ve read a few of the early ones. I really liked the first one, especially the psychic connection in the beginning where Emo Vampire McMiserable is all about to off himself and this psychic human starts chatting to him over their telepathic love connection – it surprised me, how much emotional pain was packed into the opening pages. But, as I said in the review, the series became predictable in a way that I couldn’t maintain my interest, especially with the Sees in Color and Maybe Can Tell the Twins Apart Presto Insta-Love Thing going on. But enough about me. How about some HATERZ!

 

From the inbox o’ me:

I’m very upset (im trying really hard to to cuss you out) at you and here
is why. You obviously didn’t read hte whole carpathian serie s(or if you
“did” you must be a really bad reader to have not one not two but three
different mistakes in your review of the series) let me clarrifie a few
things that you obviously can’t or wouldn’t understand (and one fact that
i laughed when i read you got it SO wrong)

also i don’t mean this as hate mail (too much) (ok so a little) (alright a
lot but read below and you’ll see that im JUSTIFIED)

1.)Lets start with my laughing fact.

“Males lose their ability to see color at about age 21” uh sorry but your
off, WAAAAY off. They lose teh ability to see in color AND FEEL EMOTION at
about age 200!!!! this is so laughably mistaken that i seriously have to
wonder if you read the series at all.

2.) on that last fact more or less no where did i find mention about losing
there emotions. YOu didn’t even includ all facts.

3.) “They can only drink fruit juice” eh hem you really didn’t pay
attention. tehy can MAKE themselfs drink it but it can’t stay down, they
have to get rid of it soon.

4.) (wait there’s more than three??? you really might want to read the
book’s, ALL OF THEM) ” The leader of the Carpathians is going to kill
himself because one of only two female Carpathians has been murdered and
he’s distraught ” tehr eare MORE THAN TWO CARPAHTIAN WOMEN! did you even
finish the book ellanor, celest, and Diedra are all in this book as well and
that’s three aside from Noelle. also he is not distraught he can’t feel
emotions.

5.) (while this is not exactly something that you got wrong i am like WTF)
Whats wrong with ehr throwign in Doggy style?? really?? if it was all
missonary it would get boring. the style that they have sex oin should not
reflect anything about how good the novel isf.

6.) “some weird dance involved with casting and uncasting a spell” its not
a spell idiots, or at least not exactly they dance to draw power from motehr
earth (kinda wiccan or whatever) also which book is this in referance to im
wracking my brain and im thinking Dark Slayer btu teh review was in 05 and
DS jsut came out last year.

7.)So there you have it. You don’t have to read them now, because every
single book follows this formula. *deep breath* you obviously didn’t read
Dark Melody, Dark Dreamer, Dark Guardian, Dark Ledgend, Dark Prince, Dark
Celebration or – you know what i don’t feel like typing out the 20 book
titles.

IDK if you can fix your mistakes or not, also if you want to make a public
mockary of me have the decencie to Email me first. “smart” bitches?? i
think thee not, you can’t even get the age of losing colros AND EMOTIONS
right. Well im a bitch too so
STFU
AND
FUCK YOU!

I swear on doggy style that I cut and pasted that exactly as it appeared in the gmail. At first I thought it was a joke and someone was pulling my leg. Hell, they might be. I’m still SO AMUSED. I mean, WOW. Can’t you just hear the desk chair tapping on the floor with the shimmering incandescent rage? That’s just amazing.

So I tweeted about it, and received a FREAKING MARVELOUS idea from Maya Banks: Share Yer Haterz! In the comments, or via email, share your hate mail, your least favorite or your most suffused with WTFery. Blogger, Writer, Customer service professional, I don’t care. Bring on the Haterz! I’d totally offer a prize, but I think most people would want to submit anonymously, so you win the thrilling catharsis of laughing out loud at the truly barking bugfuck barmy people.

Bring on the Haterz!

Comments are Closed

  1. anais7475 says:

    I had a nice hate mail before from a lovely mother of 3, a preacher’s wife whom I knew from the community and who didn’t like my stopping her hater’s rant on muslims on my facebook page. I only remember first sentence though “Yes, K., you are going to Hell, and you won’t enjoy it” Damn, I so thought I would :)) Don’t you just love religious zealots? I just posted her letter on my front page and let other people judge for themselves (it was fun).

  2. SNH says:

    I have some strong opinions – and after a few glasses of wine have no trouble expressing them…

    I know I get some hate back – hey some conservative moron started a thread about me on Amazon the other day just because they misinterpreted what I said!! – but I’m a bit of a chicken; I have my say, run away, and tend not to come back!

  3. SN says:

    Inga, oh my God, people are stupid!!

    So many people are caught up in themselves. They all seem to think everybody thinks about THEM first.

    You know, the Carpathians are a guilty pleasure for me. But I hated the books when I first read them, and I started rereading the other day, and yep, they’re still ridiculous. I can read a bad review and still enjoy them! In fact, reading the bad reviews makes them more fun!

    And, hell, if I was going to send hate mail, I’d at least use spell check!!

  4. JamiSings says:

    For all those who have hate mail from “Christians” remind them of two things.

    1: Love thy neighbor as you love yourself.

    2: Judge not lest ye be judged.

    Remind them that by breaking both those two things they are not Christians and are therefore going to Hell.

  5. Kristina says:

    I don’t know if anyone here is familiar with the website “emailsfromcrazypeople.com”  Lots of crazy hate mail goodness there.  Unfortunately the site is no longer being updated but the backlog is very interesting.  I think it was part of the Cheezeburger network.

  6. Bella Street says:

    @KalenHughes and @Tina C…I stopped reading at the spanking.

  7. megara says:

    Back when I had a livejournal & made icons, my cousin’s GF left the following anonymous comment on one of my posts:

    No one really likes you. Everyone sees how you treat people, and how you are an inconsiderate bitch. Developed social skills my ass. Grow up and get over yourself.

    You are an idiot.

    And, your icons suck. My grandfather could make better icons blindfolded. Oh yeah, so does your acting. I’ve never seen such a stiff actress who plays the same part in every single fucking production.

    It’s time you realize the world doesn’t revolve around you. And your glasses are ugly.

    The thing was, this comment circulated around my family for weeks (the glasses line is my favorite, and yet she never owned up to it. Oh, LJ drama.

  8. Quercus says:

    What?  Spanking?  I’m only an eighth of the way through Outlander, and I put it down because it’s just not as awesome as I’d been led to believe (for me, YMMV of course).  There’s a spanking?  Is it at least a fun spanking??? 

    age88.  I’m gonna be 88 before I get through the book…

  9. Sonja says:

    Haaa, I love this. Thanks for sharing everyone. Here’s a comment on my blog on a post I wrote (tongue in cheek) about how I hate Christmas.

    Here’s a gentle reminder to be happy and thankful about Christmas.
    It sounds like you’re having the typical middle-American perspective on Christmas. Maybe you could cut to the chase. My little friend who’s 8 had brain surgery yesterday b/c he can’t be a “normal kid” b/c he has tuberous sclerosis. Today, my adult friend is having brain surgery due to a head injury he got being a police officer. My friend in Baton Rouge is lying in the hospital as we speak with two choices: chemo or hospice. Be thankful. Many people will celebrate their last Christmas this year or they won’t even make it to this one. Have you ever been to a foreign country? When I went to Thailand, there were villages without electricity or running water – no need for a Christmas village with extension cords there. It may help your outlook if you can to keep the main thing the main thing. Luke chapter 2. Be thankful for the baby in the manger, that’s all that will matter when we’re left with nothing, not money, not wealth, not health. Merry Christmas. A friend of fan

    I especially love it when people quote Bible verses for me. Or just leave the references and expect me to look them up.

  10. I just remembered something. I did recently get a hate text—from my baby sister of all people. She wanted a favor and I was busy at the time and didn’t drop what I was doing to help her. Plus the email she sent me that started all this was blank. No message, no attachment. I emailed her back and said in my response, “The email you sent was blank, but I’m busy right now. I have a hundred other things demanding my attention at the moment.”

    She then texted me this in response.

    “U r so freakn rude its awful. Dont worry i wont ask u to do anything else….its not like i was asking you to do alot. My gosh get over urself.”

    Number 1, she never asked. NEVER asked, just expected me to drop everything and cater to her needs and I was having major WIP issues that day, which takes priority. Just sent it, and as I said, forgot to attach her file or even write anything in the email to let me know what she wanted in the first place.

    Rest assured, though, I fired back a much longer and better written text than hers and let her know I did not appreciate her attitude and exactly what she could do with it.

    What did she do then? Well, we’ve not spoken a word, emailed, or texted since then and this happened on 4/23. She did, however, go to my parents when she got off work that day (did I mention she’s 27?) and TOLD ON ME. I kid you not. She ran to mama to tattle on me. Fortunately, other than letting me know about her bitch session, mom & dad have not said a word about it, which is good. I really didn’t want to get into it with them. She’s a big girl and can do her own homework and face the consequences of her bratty actions, IMO.

    Ah, family. Got to love them.

  11. Sonja says:

    @Heather, OMG, if this were not a public forum and if certain members of my family didn’t Google for themselves all the time, I would have some STORIES. 😉 Good luck with that!

  12. Bella Street says:

    @ Quercus …nope, not fun spanking. It was about halfway through. I tried, I REALLY tried to remember the historical context of Outlander, but I simply could not get past that scene. Otherwise, I was enjoying the book! LOL

  13. Kalen Hughes says:

    “Yes, K., you are going to Hell, and you won’t enjoy it”

    Well, if you’re going to be in “the other place” then bring it on! I gave up arguing about this years ago and accepted that this is my tryout to be Beelzebub’s secretary (and I only get one shot, so I better make my badness good).

    As for Outlander, I don’t think I got as far as the spanking . . . I gave up somewhere in the endless lesson on either candle making or milking a cow around page 350. *yawn* I set the book aside one night and just couldn’t force myself to pick it back up.

    capcha: come69 *tee-hee*

  14. Leslie Kelly says:

    Clearly, she’s intended for a much more sizzling level of damnation than I am.

    Oh, I have no doubt…all that sexxxoring is such nasty stuff!

    It just cracks me up how many people gush over my slash-em-up thrillers while kindly saying, “I’m so glad you decided to write real books…I mean, you know…books without all that sex.”

    Cause, of course, sex is sooooo much more evil than serial murder.

  15. Llz says:

    @Heather,

    You just described my life. Except my sister is in her thirties.

  16. @Leslie Kelly,

    It just cracks me up how many people gush over my slash-em-up thrillers while kindly saying, “I’m so glad you decided to write real books…I mean, you know…books without all that sex.”

    I know, I know. I have dispatched close to two dozen people in all sorts of nasty ways in my books, and it doesn’t raise an eyebrow. But when I started adding SEX into it… (.) (.)
                                0

    No one has ever asked me if I have personal experience in offing someone with a cattle bolt gun. But no less than three friends assumed sexxoring on the kitchen table must be straight from real life. As if, with three kids.

  17. Hmm. My little ASCII shocked-eyeball guy came out looking like the start of a sketch of Goofy.

  18. Emeth says:

    But no less than three friends assumed sexxoring on the kitchen table must be straight from real life.

    That’s it, if there is going to be sexxoring on the kitchen table, I can no longer wait to savor the wonderfulness that is Russ and Claire until the end of the semester.  I must read now, grad school finals be damned.

  19. Leslie Kelly says:

    Do your friends ask that question before dinner, or after?

    PS: Chin-up…eventually the kids do grow up and get out of the house on occasion.

  20. Leslie,

    Guests get to use the dining room table. My fear is, by the time the kids are out of the house, kitchen-table hanky-panky will lead to a call to the local emergency rescue team, followed by a long course of physical therapy.

    Emeth, put that book down and get back to studying!

  21. Miri says:

    @Julia Spencer-Fleming
    I thought It was supposed to be boobs

  22. JamiSings says:

    @Julia – Just start taking joint supplements and get in a little yoga and you’ll both be able to do the wild thing on the kitchen table when you’re 99.

    At least, that’s according to all the health nuts here in Southern California.

  23. @Miri

    If they were boobs, they wouldn’t be Goofy, they’d be Droopy.

  24. Brooks*belle says:

    Oh I totally forgot—I HAVE had a brush with hatemail.

    I got an anonymous hate letter from somebody who hadn’t gotten a thank-you note from me for a wedding gift.  She threatened to take it out on my sister when she got married by not giving her a gift.  It even had an Emily Post etiquette clipping.  Of course I was 21 at the time and cried my eyes out, but if it happened today I’d post it on the fridge and laugh. 

    And don’t even get me started on the gossipy hate letter that went around the church about my family and several other couples.  It’s author?  Our then-pastor. Ummmm—0.o Yeah—he was asked to move on…

  25. Inga says:

    That’s it, if there is going to be sexxoring on the kitchen table, I can no longer wait to savor the wonderfulness that is Russ and Claire until the end of the semester.  I must read now, grad school finals be damned.

    I’m with Emeth, I’m going to pull I Shall Not Want out of the TBR pile and read it now!  I was going to hold off on reading it for a while, since the next book in the series isn’t coming out until next Spring, but now I’m psyched for it.

  26. beggar1015 says:

    I recently received a hatemail in regards to something I must have said on a YouTube post. But I’ve said so much on YouTube I don’t know what exactly I’ve said to upset this complete stranger with unresolved issues. All the email said was “You are a dumb fuck.” Please, if you’re going to hate me, give me a little more detail as to WHY you are hating me.

    So I can do it again.

    @Leslie Kelly
    You’re comment reminds me of an old news story I read. A family in England, including Grandma, had rented the movie Gladiator. But when they popped the disc in it was to discover there had been a mixup and they had accidentally brought home a porno. The family saw about ten seconds of girl on girl action before realizing the mistake and raising a ruckus. I couldn’t help but think it was perfectly alright for the family, including Grandma, to watch three hours of beheadings, stabbings, disembowlings, impalements and glorious technicolor bloodshed – but ten seconds of sex and OMG!!!!!!

  27. Donna says:

    I had tried to post something much longer yesterday, but was rejected by the spam word… sign… It’s actually a good thing as I got my first hatr mail today regarding a goodreads post. I fired back in a polite & articulate maner, but what I was thinking was “If you wanted to start a war of words, you should’ve loaded that gun first.”
    abreviated original post: Emeth, you’re a goddess. Ev & Inga, I feel your pain. My PHVP called me in to discuss my office demeanor two days after coming back from celebrating what we all new was my mother’s last birthday.

  28. Donna says:

    Oops, I meant to say, Ev my review once consisted of:
    1. You don’t sit up straight in your chair. After 8 years of catholic education? Chyah, right.
    2. You shouldn’t laugh & talk with your co-workers.
    3. You shouldn’t ignore your co-workers.
    Can you say desperate for a reason to write me up?

    Spamword once49. Yes, I was once 49. Better than being twice 49….

  29. ev says:

    What did she do then? Well, we’ve not spoken a word, emailed, or texted since then and this happened on 4/23.

    Only 4/23?? I haven’t spoken to my brother in over a year and in a civil tone for longer than that. Why? He wanted me to drop everything- which included trying to do my Capstone for graduation, take care of my husband who had just had heart surgery and take care of my daughter at the same time- while living almost 3 hours away- to come home and take care of our dad who was dying. Now, not that I wouldn’t have if I could have, but, baby brother (he’s 10 years younger than me, now 40) wasn’t even working then! There is no place for me to stay at my parents and I would have had to pay for a hotel, meals and someone to stay at my house, with hubby and daughter. He throws it in my face all the time. Dad knew what was going on and would have killed me had I left here to go there.

    He also carries a grudge because I didn’t do something on a calendar he was making- because it couldn’t be done.

    I have tons of emails from him and if hubby ever read them, he’d kill him. My brother- and your sister- both need to grow up.

  30. ev says:

    Oops, I meant to say, Ev my review once consisted of:
    1. You don’t sit up straight in your chair. After 8 years of catholic education? Chyah, right.
    2. You shouldn’t laugh & talk with your co-workers.
    3. You shouldn’t ignore your co-workers.
    Can you say desperate for a reason to write me up?

    Snerk. I love it. That’s someone who had to find something and really scrapped the bottom of the barrel to do it.

    Asshat.

    Mine didn’t put the hard to work with in the review either. She knew better, because I wouldn’t have signed it and would have gone over her head. She is done tomorrow. I still don’t know how I am hard to work with. dang.

  31. bookwench says:

    It’s 12:48 in the morning, I’m on mids this week so I’m awake at night. So I’m sitting downstairs on my computer trying *really* hard not to wake up the husband by laughing too loudly, and trawling through your blog for the first time in like a year. You’re not making this “don’t make up the poor sleepy husband” thing easy, woman!

    Last time I laughed this hard I was reading “A Civil Campaign” by Lois Bujold.

  32. ev says:

    Last time I laughed this hard I was reading “A Civil Campaign” by Lois Bujold.

    Awesome book and I understand why!!!

  33. Donna says:

    I still don’t know how I am hard to work with

    Sigh, at least I know why she hated me. On my best days I’m mildly snarky, on my worst… Oh, and there’s that pesky I give my job 100% and I expect you to do the same problem.

  34. ev says:

    And today, as I said goodbye, (her new job starts monday), she reminded me that we are still FaceBook friends, so we’ll keep in touch that way! LOLOL

  35. Donna says:

    Bwaaaaaahahaha! Why are they always oblivious?

  36. Zarrin says:

    I’ve only received 2 pieces of hate mail in my life, one professional and one personal.  Earlier in the comments someone wrote that it’s a lot easier to receive hate mail from strangers than from people you know, and here’s an illustration of that.

    As a teacher I’ve received my share of criticism from parents and students alike, but only one actual hate letter.  The gist of it was, “how dare you give by amzing son a D on his paper…i read it and it was perfect witout any grammar or spelling erors, and your just stupid if you cant see that you ugly fat cow.”  It went on like this for about a page…I wish I still had a copy, as I am completely unable to duplicate her eccentric grammar, spelling, and use of language.  The idea that she knew her son deserved an A, because she had proofread his paper, had me and my whole department in stitches, and the letter hung on our breakroom wall the rest of the year.  Interestingly, the son came in to apologize to me for his mother’s behavior, saying he knew he deserved the D and asking for a chance to correct it.

    On a less funny note, I received a very painful hate letter from an ex-boyfriend.  We had dated long distance for a couple of months, but had little in common and very divergent goals in life.  I finally just ended it in the nicest way I could, explaining to him that we wanted different things out of life, etc.  About 2 weeks later I received a two page email from him containing a personal attack on my character.  According to him I was an elitist, intellectual snob who only cared about Latin and Shakespeare and Jane Austen (I was in college and those were some of the classes I was taking).  He ranted that I had viciously dumped him because I thought I was better than him, etc.  I believe he even called me an uppity biotch.  Considering this letter came from a guy who I really liked, but didn’t enjoy dating, it was pretty hurtful.

  37. JamiSings says:

    @Zarrin – At least he was brave enough to write it himself. When I dumped my abusive boyfriend when I had enough of being called stupid and having bruises left on me, he had his best friend write the hate mail. Couldn’t even do it himself. Had to have someone else tell me that I was stupid and ugly.

  38. Flo says:

    Sometimes… I want to send myself hate mail.  Just to keep the personal relationship… spicy!

    Yes… I am sick.  What’s your point?

  39. Heidi says:

    Wow. From the man who yelled out at me as I walked by “You were ugly anyway” after I’d turned him down to dance 2 hours earlier….to the phone calls I got from people when I worked for a mail-order company who sold books to Barnes & Noble bookstores, to the lovely man who called asking for a donation for the State Troopers, and when I said politely “No, we give to a local charity” said “BITCH” and hung up. Nice. I also received a personal letter of attack from a “friend” telling me things she thought about me. Obviously, she didn’t think much…at all…because it was incoherent and poorly written. Ah well. I think if you don’t have at least a couple of good haterz in your life you aren’t doing something right. And Leslie Kelly, if you don’t put MORE sex into your books, I’ll send you an intelligible, long, hate-filled diatribe that will knock you ears off 😉

    Spam: policy88. Yes, my policy is more PORN!

  40. ev says:

    to the lovely man who called asking for a donation for the State Troopers, and when I said politely “No, we give to a local charity” said “BITCH” and hung up.

    Well, that was a scam waiting to happen.

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