On the Contact Us page, we have a pretty obvious disclaimer about hate mail. To quote ourselves:
If we choose to, any hate mail we receive can be mercilessly mocked in public. In Smart Bitch legalese, this translates to: “We hereby reserve the right to publish your ranty asshattery as an example of fine ranty asshattery and protect therein our opportunity to mock the ever livin’ shit out of your ass.”
We will mock you for an email that says, “u suck and ur ugly i bet ur bad in bed so why dont u just get laid and stfu.”
We will not necessarily mock you for an email that says, “I am so upset at you and here is why.”
There’s a big difference. Those of you who don’t know it, e-mail us at your own peril.
Yes, we get hate mail here at Smart Bitches HQ. Like the one I received tonight in response to this review. From 2005. About the Carpathian series by Christine Feehan. I’ve read a few of the early ones. I really liked the first one, especially the psychic connection in the beginning where Emo Vampire McMiserable is all about to off himself and this psychic human starts chatting to him over their telepathic love connection – it surprised me, how much emotional pain was packed into the opening pages. But, as I said in the review, the series became predictable in a way that I couldn’t maintain my interest, especially with the Sees in Color and Maybe Can Tell the Twins Apart Presto Insta-Love Thing going on. But enough about me. How about some HATERZ!
From the inbox o’ me:
I’m very upset (im trying really hard to to cuss you out) at you and here
is why. You obviously didn’t read hte whole carpathian serie s(or if you
“did” you must be a really bad reader to have not one not two but three
different mistakes in your review of the series) let me clarrifie a few
things that you obviously can’t or wouldn’t understand (and one fact that
i laughed when i read you got it SO wrong)also i don’t mean this as hate mail (too much) (ok so a little) (alright a
lot but read below and you’ll see that im JUSTIFIED)1.)Lets start with my laughing fact.
“Males lose their ability to see color at about age 21” uh sorry but your
off, WAAAAY off. They lose teh ability to see in color AND FEEL EMOTION at
about age 200!!!! this is so laughably mistaken that i seriously have to
wonder if you read the series at all.2.) on that last fact more or less no where did i find mention about losing
there emotions. YOu didn’t even includ all facts.3.) “They can only drink fruit juice” eh hem you really didn’t pay
attention. tehy can MAKE themselfs drink it but it can’t stay down, they
have to get rid of it soon.4.) (wait there’s more than three??? you really might want to read the
book’s, ALL OF THEM) ” The leader of the Carpathians is going to kill
himself because one of only two female Carpathians has been murdered and
he’s distraught ” tehr eare MORE THAN TWO CARPAHTIAN WOMEN! did you even
finish the book ellanor, celest, and Diedra are all in this book as well and
that’s three aside from Noelle. also he is not distraught he can’t feel
emotions.5.) (while this is not exactly something that you got wrong i am like WTF)
Whats wrong with ehr throwign in Doggy style?? really?? if it was all
missonary it would get boring. the style that they have sex oin should not
reflect anything about how good the novel isf.6.) “some weird dance involved with casting and uncasting a spell” its not
a spell idiots, or at least not exactly they dance to draw power from motehr
earth (kinda wiccan or whatever) also which book is this in referance to im
wracking my brain and im thinking Dark Slayer btu teh review was in 05 and
DS jsut came out last year.7.)So there you have it. You don’t have to read them now, because every
single book follows this formula. *deep breath* you obviously didn’t read
Dark Melody, Dark Dreamer, Dark Guardian, Dark Ledgend, Dark Prince, Dark
Celebration or – you know what i don’t feel like typing out the 20 book
titles.IDK if you can fix your mistakes or not, also if you want to make a public
mockary of me have the decencie to Email me first. “smart” bitches?? i
think thee not, you can’t even get the age of losing colros AND EMOTIONS
right. Well im a bitch too so
STFU
AND
FUCK YOU!
I swear on doggy style that I cut and pasted that exactly as it appeared in the gmail. At first I thought it was a joke and someone was pulling my leg. Hell, they might be. I’m still SO AMUSED. I mean, WOW. Can’t you just hear the desk chair tapping on the floor with the shimmering incandescent rage? That’s just amazing.
So I tweeted about it, and received a FREAKING MARVELOUS idea from Maya Banks: Share Yer Haterz! In the comments, or via email, share your hate mail, your least favorite or your most suffused with WTFery. Blogger, Writer, Customer service professional, I don’t care. Bring on the Haterz! I’d totally offer a prize, but I think most people would want to submit anonymously, so you win the thrilling catharsis of laughing out loud at the truly barking bugfuck barmy people.
Bring on the Haterz!
Ah, hate mail, my scourge. I used to get it daily, but it has lessened to once a week. In some ways, this is obviously a good thing.
But I do recall it was a really excellent way of waking myself up every morning: the rage injection of reading emails in bed. Every hateful cloud has a wakeful silver lining?
Most of the hatemail goes ‘You are a great writer. I will never read your books, which are obviously terrible!’ These strange emails, much better than a few really creepy ones about my undergarments, physical appearance, and so forth… which reduce me to a gibbering Victorian mess. ‘Madam we have not even been properly introduced, how dare you comment on things of a highly personal nature! *swoons*’
Wow, that is some serious Stan action going on there for Feehan.
The worst hate mail I’ve received was from a woman who let me know, after reading my third Blood Ties book, that I was nowhere near as good as this long list of other paranormal authors, but that she was going to suffer through the final book in the series. She just wanted to let me know I was no good.
So, I wrote her back and said something to the effect of, “Look, I know my writing isn’t for everyone. Instead of reading the last book, why not spend that time reading one of the other authors you listed?” She responded again to tell me how rude I was and that she couldn’t believe I had the nerve to tell her what to read. It was a really weird experience.
I was involved in a little hate mail flame war in which my supporters were routinely referred to as “Snidely’s whores”, after a while some of them embraced the name signing their posts “another whore for Snidely”. Later just AWFS, when I started my blog I wanted to thank them but calling it “Another Whore for Snidely” or “Dedicated to Snidely’s Whores” would attact a readership base other than the one I was trying to reach. One of my critics with more verve and humor than the average flamer, referred to my friends as ” a bunch of ditzy wallflowers mooning over…” Hence the name.
Holy parenthetical overload, Smart Bitch!
I mentioned this on Twitter, but this is my favourite ever: Dramatic Hate Mail Reading by Edward Champion. My friend Russ submitted a piece of hate mail to him and he read it in the style of Peter Lorre/Andy Serkis.
I once reviewed a documentary DVD that resulted in not one, not two, but three different hate mails, purportedly from the producer of the show, challenging me for giving it a “C” grade. Threatened to call the star’s agent on me (oooh, scary!)
I was also at a convention recently, talking about Maggie Stiefvater’s “Shiver” on a panel about vampires and werewolves, and how she had created an interesting new paradigm about werewolves and temperature. I was approached afterward by two well-meaning young girls in Cullens-themed tshirts and makeup, telling me that I was very wrong, that werewolves turn because of the full moon, because “that’s what happens in Twilight.” Yes, Stiefvater is wrong because Stephanie Meyer said so. 🙂
I’ve never had to deal with hate mail myself (hope springs eternal if I someday get published), but the OP reminds me of a teenage girl who wrote an outraged letter to Universal Studios a month or so ago, lambasting them for ripping off Twilight with their recent Wolfman remake. It was linked on another site and I doubt I could find it now, but it was replete with grammatical errors and misspellings, and so hilarious I had a hard time believing it wasn’t intended as a deliberate parody.
I’m a public librarian—hi there, Mousy!—who works in a busy downtown branch, so I get a lot of confused/confusing, rude, or just WTF? comments every day. (Lots of very nice people too, just to be fair.)
My absolute favourite, though, has always been the woman who told me I was “degrading” her. Why? I wouldn’t log in to a dodgy-looking site to enter a contest for her on my computer, & offered to show her how to do it on the public-access terminals instead.
I didn’t *get* the email, but it was sent by a hater and about me, does that count?
Too bad, I’m telling the story anyway.
Once upon a time, I lived overseas while my husband was deployed. I had two friends over to watch movies, a guy and a girl, and we got bored. My kids were already asleep and my babysitter unavailable, but we really wanted to get out of the house. So I went next door to the neighbor’s, where they were having a mini-party, and asked if I could borrow their live-in nanny.
What I *specifically* said, along with some social niceties, was “Hey, Female Friend, Male Friend and I were thinking about running out to a bar. Do you mind if I hire Nanny for the night?”
Neighbor said she didn’t care, so I talked to Nanny, who was all for making a few extra bucks for the night. So my friends and I went out to the clubs. We drove in Female Friend’s car and left mine and Male Friend’s at my house. We shut the bar down and got home around 2:30, at which time Female Friend and Male Friend went to their homes.
The next day I got a call from my husband. Neighbor had sent DH an email saying that I was fucking around on him because there was a man’s car parked outside our house until the wee hours. Because my car was still sitting there too, I must be there with him, alone. Apparently Neighbor had gotten so damn drunk she had no recollection of our conversation and me hiring Nanny.
Even better? There’s two other people in the Army with the same name as my husband. She’d sent both of them the email as well.
Fun times.
All I can say is, that I have just totally lost it. I wish I got hatemail like this. I would just die with the fun of it. The typo’s and the exclamation points and capital letters to emphasize your errors is just classic. Oh please, please, bring the haterz on.
♥Nely
Holy crap! If that hater actually thinks that is appropriate spelling/grammar, how in the world did they graduate high school (assuming, of course, that they did)?
A couple of months ago, someone wrote a scathing, but unintentionally humorous comment on my review of Dreaming of You by Lisa Kleypas on GoodReads. The individual couldn’t spell, didn’t use capitals or punctuation, and really didn’t make much sense. The comment went something like this:
“u dont now anything about good books this is the best book EVA written! u shouldnt write reviews if u r so dumb”
At first, I thought it was a joke – you know, because of the text talk and all that? I was VERY tempted to write something back about intelligence and their obvious lack, but decided to be an adult and just deleted their comment. In hindsight, I wish I had left it on there for days when I need a good laugh.
Note: I gave the book 3-stars and explained why I didn’t love the book. Obviously that individual doesn’t believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
BTW – If you ever want to read some insane hate, wander over to the blog Awful Library Books – http://awfullibrarybooks.wordpress.com/ – every now and again someone will stumble across the blog and write a horrible, hate-filled reply that basically amounts to “HOW DARE YOU WEED THIS REAL ESTATE BOOK FROM 1965! LIBRARIES ARE SUPPOSE TO KEEP EVERYTHING!”
Then of course all us library workers get on them telling them that a library can’t keep everything, especially out of date information.
There’s a saying in the restaurant business: Some people go out to eat, and some people go out to bitch.
@JJ – OMG, I love the link to dramatic readings of hate mail. I must listen to them all!
I haven’t yet gotten hate mail, just a couple strange spam comments. The blog posts I write for work have come closer to getting anything like hate mail – I once got a very lengthy email from an employee of a large library-related company that shall remain nameless, ranting about the article I had written about that criticized the company. It was bizarre, but I saved it as proof that someone besides my coworkers reads my blog.
Oh my! How did you keep from snapping your neighbor’s head off An Army Wife? The good thing about hate email from people you don’t know is that you can laugh it off. Words from strangers aren’t as powerful, IMO. A neighbor sending hate email to my DH about me? The Mean in me flares hot.
I am boring. I get no hate mail like that… of course, I almost needed a translator, so I’m kind of cool with not getting any.
That is amazing.
I’ve gotten some very angry comments on book reviews, particularly Twilight (my favorite kind is the “if you don’t like it don’t read it” version – because of course I know whether I will or will not like something before I read it, duh), but my very favorite comment ever was in response to a post about Selena Gomez’s weirdly young-looking face (she’s grown into it since I made the post):
Well, gee, I’ve tried to ask Taylor Lautner to junior prom, but he keeps saying no!
I got a hand-written letter from a woman who read one of my Temptations many years ago. She wanted to let me know that the flames of hell were going to be very painful and I should prepare myself because obviously having written such filth, I was destined to damnation (in those words.)
She also told me she had torn the cover off the book and taped it to her refrigerator so she would never—EVER—make the mistake of buying one of my books again.
That cover had a nekkid guy with a sheet draped across his lap, sitting on a bed behind a woman in a silky white nightgown. Hmm.
At least no one has yet threatened to sue the Bitches for their reviews – I hope!
It’s not hate mail, but I did find a review the other day that said something along the lines of YICK!!!!! oh double YICK!!!!!!. Was it one of my erotica titles, with lots of hardcore sex? No, it was one of my chick lit titles, with no on-the-page.
Although I might have to go back and check that I didn’t accidentally insert (hur hur) a few sex scenes by accident because an Amazon review of a later book in the series complained about the endless shagging in the book. It was, unlike the glorious hate mail sent to Sarah, quite well-written, just puzzlingly inaccurate. I can only conclude that the reader was on some sort of hallucinogen, or just so bored she (okay, men just aren’t that bitchy) resorted to making up things to complain about.
But that’s what you get for Googling yourself.
Holy crap that was hilarious! I am a fan of the Dark series (hey they were my first paranormals!) but I can see why people make fun of it and I can see why people (a lot of people) think it’s repetitive. I actually have a Feehanisms drinking game, where I drink every time molten lava, velvet sheaths and velvet over steel (plus many others!) are mentioned. Belive me, her books are fun when you do this plus it works for the Dark series, Ghostwalkers and the Leopards – tons of fun! Well, I do have to stop sometimes when the page gets blurry 🙂
That girl takes her Dark series and mythology very seriously. But not seriously enough to use spell check or a dictionary, just enough to write a very misspelled rant that ended up being funny and kind of scary because she takes it so seriously. Does she know the Carpathians aren’t real?
Sarah’s review is really funny to me. Don’t take your books that seriously please!
I recently got a fabulous little snippet on Amazon which I love so much I posted on FB and it has spurred me to create a bookmark with all the crappy things anyone has ever said about my writing. I thought I’d give them away at National for fun. She called my latest book, TRUSTING THE BODYGUARD (Shameless plug, I know!) the “Worst piece of crap ever” and while she usually donates her books to the library, mine went “straight into the trash!” LMAO! Oh well.
My favorite was as a lady who told me off for taking the Lord’s name in vain and wondered why my character (who was at the lowest point of his life) couldn’t say ‘oh my goodness’ instead of ‘oh god’.
She then went on to tell me that although she would never buy another book I’d written, that her vacation with her husband had included lots of extra hot sex, so she supposed that was something.
@ Melissa
Yikes, I would be on the floor in no time if I had to drink every time one of those came up in her books. I hope your list also includes: tremendous, enormous, and for-all-time. A double might be in order every time enormous is used to describe something abstract, like a career.
I love them but I also recognize why others would not.
Wow. Message is slightly diluted by the *excellent* spelling and grammar, no?
I worked in agriculture communications and received thousands of hate mail letters directed at the farmers and food industry professionals. My job was to correct the misinformation, respond with the appropriate amount of sympathy and “but you’re wrong” mix, and invite them into extended dialogue. Most stopped after the first letter.
I didn’t worry so much about this kind of hate mail – the kind where people don’t even take the time to make sure the message is clear… It’s the calm, rationale, well-written mail that got my heart pumping and issued the best PR challenge 🙂
So I run this online text-based journal-based RPG, which is currently on hiatus while we plan how to reboot it both software-wise and plot-wise. And we have a hater who has never forgiven us for:
1) dropping the Harry Potter stuff (we started out as an HP historical game, always AU, but hated the last two books and decided to remove serial numbers)
2) spelling a Basque word wrong (maybe; the person who gave us the original spelling isn’t Basque, but neither is our troll, and they both say they got their spelling from a Basque person, and google gives me both spellings).
OK. So, because this hater is annoyed, she has got herself banned from Live Journal for making at least 5 fake parody blogs of me or other people (which I wouldn’t have cared about except she was using my actual pictures with my actual face on them, defaced, for a while, and we do everything pseudonymously) and making fun of me for being fat, Jewish, and a lesbian (I’ve never denied being fat or Jewish, although I insist I’m bisexual since I’ve married at least three men and I’m not currently dating anyone). But that’s not the best part. The best part is that she made about 30 Insane Journal blogs parodying the journals that are involved in my game. They’re really funny—and they’re HP-canon compliant and heavily focused on the Blacks and other characters I could care less about, or in other words, the game she wishes we were running.
I think she has a “Big Ole Lesbian Crush on me!”
@ bounababe
There are so many good ones that I forget them all!
– clenching womb (ouch)
– mortals and immortals alike
– cruel dark eyes (there are a bunch of eye descriptions)
– there is no hero without heroine
– white lightening (usually describes the taste of blood)
– I can do no other
I was once told by a caller that I was going straight to hell because the company I worked for used animals for testing our product. Problem was it was a toothbrush manufacturer. No animal testing involved. Around the office we laughed for a month about bunnies with minty fresh breath after we got done brushing their teeth!
I don’t get any hate mail, but now I positively covet it, if just to steal your lovely phrase „fine ranty asshattery“. I would totally use it, even though chances are my hate mail would be in German. But I totally would use the word asshattery, and I hope it would encourage the offender to keep on asshatting.
I lurk around a lot of blogs, and I am constantly amazed how people will come right out in the comments and basically tell you that your opionion sucks. Which would be ok-ish, if they’d tell you why they think you are wrong. Which can be done in a civilized manner. I’ve heard these things actually do happen. Allegedly.
But no,they go right on and basically tell you that you have no right to your opinion in the first place, and that totally sucks in every conceivable way.
And does it ever occur to them to just NOT READ your posts, if they never agree anyway? Instead of reading them religiously and then proceed to rantily asshat away in the comments? Because seriously, your blog is your own thing, and you basically can say whatever you want. Or, you know, just explain why they don’t agree.
Why am I even saying this?! We all know this, and we all agree that some people have different opinions and different tastes, and good for them! Clearly, we romance readers truly are Smart Bitches and way more evolved than the average person 😀
@JenH – OhNOES!
I just gave 40 dolls to a co-worker for her children to play with. They were American and Japanese Barbie, Jenny and anime dolls of all genders and races (including the one that has green, blue and purple hair) that I had bought, played with and tired of or bought for their outfits and stripped (I am not a fan of the Superstar facemold). I open everything except for dolls with feathers on them because my cats will eat them. I bet your hatemailer would absolutely DIE thinking of the fact that I broke up Barbie giftsets to get the collectible clothes or whatever and gave the dolls to actual children to actually play with. But I feel great about it, because when I was a little kid my high school age cousins gave me their TnT and bubblecuts 🙂
I have nothing against NRFB collectors except for the ones who forget that the dolls are actually toys and those of us who play with them are not Destroying Great Works of Art.
DRAT! Now I totally want to read Dark Prince and I can’t find an e-version anywhere.
Are you listening, gods of publishing? I want to buy this book I will pay for it. Right now. I’ll be over it by tomorrow when I might actually get to a bookstore and I don’t want to wait until next week when the dead tree version will arrive via the mail.
I’ve never received hate mail. Perhaps Jane L or Dionne has received some on my behalf, and if that’s the case, sorry ladies!
I think the Haterz are the most amazing breed. The writer works his/herself into such a lather that a coherent sentence is difficult to manage, and proof reading is out the window. Of course, it makes for endless entertainment, so I’m with Sarah. I’d love to see more Haterz Mail.
Melissa,
OMG YES, the mystical clenching womb.
I’m a pretty easy reader. I’m fine with almost all tropes, up to and including the secret baby, but her “clenching womb” really makes me double over when reading, and not in a good way. If the rest of the book wasn’t so cracktastic, I don’t think I would be able to overlook that one.
speaking of clenching things….a new Feehan just came out. I’m off to Wallworld.
Darn. I’ve never received hate mail and I’m a bit envious at the moment. Some of these hate mail examples are wonderful and, as often happens here, what was meant to be a put-down sounds like a big thumbs-up to me. For instance:
When I read this, my first thought was: I’ve only read a few of Leslie Kelly’s books. I really do need to track down the rest of them. My second thought was that it’s been way too long since someone told me I was going to hell. I must be getting old. *sigh*
See, I didn’t really notice the language much because: a) I do talk that way, probably because, b) my 80-year old mother tends to drop the f-bomb with some regularity.
And since I was late discovering this series (thanks Bitches for the recommendation) and have only read the first couple so far, I immediately thought: There’s pornography ahead? Awesome! Must. Read. Faster. But that thought was fleeting because I’m sure her idea of pornography and mine are very different. You know what they say: “One man’s pornography is another man’s high school reunion photos.” Wait. That’s not right… How does it go? “One man’s pornography… isn’t nearly as interesting and varied as 10 men’s pornography.” No, that’s not it either. Oh hell, I don’t remember how that saying goes. Nevermind.
I’ve never received hate mail, but some of my friends are huge Twilight fans and I’ve had some interesting discussions with them. They can’t seem to understand why I find it a tad creepy that Edward watches Bella while she sleeps (all the time!) and while he’s not sleeping himself.
I had another interesting discussion with my 12 year old stepsister about what she wants to do when she grows up. It was all well and good until she told me that she wants to name her first daughter Renesmee. My reaction was pretty much the following: “Oh noes!” D:
The Twilight books were okay, but I much prefer Stephanie Meyer’s other book, The Host.
I do the news section for a movie review blog, and the only hate mail I get is from people who are under the mistaken impression that I have anything to do with actually making movies.
So it goes like this:
Me: [Company] has announced plans for a [movie franchise] remake. Blah blah blah.
Asshat: Why do you [expletive] have to rmaking every [fanboy statement of adoration] movie?!!111 [several paragraphs of colorful language]. U SCK1!!
I then forward it around to my cohorts, and we have a good laugh.
The best ever was a long (looong) time ago, but unfortunately not directed at me. We had a review for one of the Star Trek movies that had a, pretty obviously, tongue in cheek comment about “Bees! In spaaace!” This guy not only wrote how absolutely wrong the opinion of the review was, but proceeded to write an almost three page explanation about how bees wouldn’t even be able to survive in outer space, and how we were stupid for even saying they could. And he didn’t Email it. Oh, no. He posted it on our forum for all and sundry to read. And, yea, it was epic.
I’ll see if I can find it to share, but it may be lost to the interwebs. Unfortunately.
He might’ve been the same guy who said we were all the same person, just that we were writing under different names.
i would have been tempted to tell her that it was because the character wasn’t named either Wally or The Beave.
Hate mail with bonus TMI. Now that’s a winner.
When working as an Arts & Culture reporter for the university’s daily newspaper last summer, we sat around hoping—wishing, praying—for hate-mail. Because (a) it meant someone bothered to read the daily paper, and (b) that person bothered to read your section of the daily paper. Journalists live for hate-mail, what can we say?
In June, I wrote a review of Lauren Conrad’s YA book, L.A. Candy. You know—Lauren Conrad, aka L.C. of MTV’s “The Hills.” She wrote a book. Actually, she’s now written two books, and there is a third on the way. (Like celebrity deaths, these things happen in threes.) And, well, I didn’t much like said book, which was my prerogative as both a reader and a reviewer. Naturally, my little editorial piece reflected my sentiments.
After voicing my opinions on characterization, writing style, originality, and author qualifications, I received a couple of commentary gems, such as:
And in response to the “umms” and “likes” that dotted her dialogue:
But, best of all, and just for me:
Now, I realize I was being snarky; heck, I was paid to be snarky. Just for clarification’s sake: This was my favorite piece to write, because—truth time—I LOVE Lauren Conrad. “The Hills” was my go-to guilty pleasure for years. I just happen to think she’s an awful writer (or her ghostwriter is…in which case, someone needs to get his/her B.A. in English checked for authenticity).
I love hate-mail. Love it, love it, love it.
@hwn—Dude, best hate mail ever! Becausings:
a) I’m picturing Sloth from the Goonies and
b) it can’t be serious.
I so wish that were my hater.
@Tara:
There’s pornography ahead? Awesome!
I have to warn you, based on the flames of hell thing, my stuff isn’t nearly as hot as Leslie Kelly’s books. Clearly, she’s intended for a much more sizzling level of damnation than I am.
Verification: comes98. I’m not going to touch that one with a ten-foot pole.