Haterz!

On the Contact Us page, we have a pretty obvious disclaimer about hate mail. To quote ourselves:

If we choose to, any hate mail we receive can be mercilessly mocked in public. In Smart Bitch legalese, this translates to: “We hereby reserve the right to publish your ranty asshattery as an example of fine ranty asshattery and protect therein our opportunity to mock the ever livin’ shit out of your ass.”

We will mock you for an email that says, “u suck and ur ugly i bet ur bad in bed so why dont u just get laid and stfu.”

We will not necessarily mock you for an email that says, “I am so upset at you and here is why.”

There’s a big difference. Those of you who don’t know it, e-mail us at your own peril.

Yes, we get hate mail here at Smart Bitches HQ. Like the one I received tonight in response to this review. From 2005. About the Carpathian series by Christine Feehan. I’ve read a few of the early ones. I really liked the first one, especially the psychic connection in the beginning where Emo Vampire McMiserable is all about to off himself and this psychic human starts chatting to him over their telepathic love connection – it surprised me, how much emotional pain was packed into the opening pages. But, as I said in the review, the series became predictable in a way that I couldn’t maintain my interest, especially with the Sees in Color and Maybe Can Tell the Twins Apart Presto Insta-Love Thing going on. But enough about me. How about some HATERZ!

 

From the inbox o’ me:

I’m very upset (im trying really hard to to cuss you out) at you and here
is why. You obviously didn’t read hte whole carpathian serie s(or if you
“did” you must be a really bad reader to have not one not two but three
different mistakes in your review of the series) let me clarrifie a few
things that you obviously can’t or wouldn’t understand (and one fact that
i laughed when i read you got it SO wrong)

also i don’t mean this as hate mail (too much) (ok so a little) (alright a
lot but read below and you’ll see that im JUSTIFIED)

1.)Lets start with my laughing fact.

“Males lose their ability to see color at about age 21” uh sorry but your
off, WAAAAY off. They lose teh ability to see in color AND FEEL EMOTION at
about age 200!!!! this is so laughably mistaken that i seriously have to
wonder if you read the series at all.

2.) on that last fact more or less no where did i find mention about losing
there emotions. YOu didn’t even includ all facts.

3.) “They can only drink fruit juice” eh hem you really didn’t pay
attention. tehy can MAKE themselfs drink it but it can’t stay down, they
have to get rid of it soon.

4.) (wait there’s more than three??? you really might want to read the
book’s, ALL OF THEM) ” The leader of the Carpathians is going to kill
himself because one of only two female Carpathians has been murdered and
he’s distraught ” tehr eare MORE THAN TWO CARPAHTIAN WOMEN! did you even
finish the book ellanor, celest, and Diedra are all in this book as well and
that’s three aside from Noelle. also he is not distraught he can’t feel
emotions.

5.) (while this is not exactly something that you got wrong i am like WTF)
Whats wrong with ehr throwign in Doggy style?? really?? if it was all
missonary it would get boring. the style that they have sex oin should not
reflect anything about how good the novel isf.

6.) “some weird dance involved with casting and uncasting a spell” its not
a spell idiots, or at least not exactly they dance to draw power from motehr
earth (kinda wiccan or whatever) also which book is this in referance to im
wracking my brain and im thinking Dark Slayer btu teh review was in 05 and
DS jsut came out last year.

7.)So there you have it. You don’t have to read them now, because every
single book follows this formula. *deep breath* you obviously didn’t read
Dark Melody, Dark Dreamer, Dark Guardian, Dark Ledgend, Dark Prince, Dark
Celebration or – you know what i don’t feel like typing out the 20 book
titles.

IDK if you can fix your mistakes or not, also if you want to make a public
mockary of me have the decencie to Email me first. “smart” bitches?? i
think thee not, you can’t even get the age of losing colros AND EMOTIONS
right. Well im a bitch too so
STFU
AND
FUCK YOU!

I swear on doggy style that I cut and pasted that exactly as it appeared in the gmail. At first I thought it was a joke and someone was pulling my leg. Hell, they might be. I’m still SO AMUSED. I mean, WOW. Can’t you just hear the desk chair tapping on the floor with the shimmering incandescent rage? That’s just amazing.

So I tweeted about it, and received a FREAKING MARVELOUS idea from Maya Banks: Share Yer Haterz! In the comments, or via email, share your hate mail, your least favorite or your most suffused with WTFery. Blogger, Writer, Customer service professional, I don’t care. Bring on the Haterz! I’d totally offer a prize, but I think most people would want to submit anonymously, so you win the thrilling catharsis of laughing out loud at the truly barking bugfuck barmy people.

Bring on the Haterz!

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Anonymous says:

    I haven’t received hate mail yet.  But I do volunteer with military spouses, which, at times, can be akin to herding cats (so here comes the hate mail).  The nails come out, the fur is flying, and spouses are marking their territory … in the charity thrift shop that raises money for family member scholarships.  So I just retreat to my romance books and let them fight it out! 

    At least you are honest in your contact page … and the title of your website!

  2. 2
    Isabella Scott says:

    Wow…they wanted to vent all that rage in an attempt to make a “decent” hate letter and they can’t even spell check?

  3. 3
    Glynis says:

    I don’t rate hate mail—entirely too insignificant—but thank you for sharing. And an early thank you to all those that choose to share your haters.

    Pointing and laughing is often an appropriate response to rampant ass-hat-ery.

  4. 4
    Sasha says:

    I hate hate mail that refuses to at least dignify itself with correct grammar and spelling and blah and blah and blaaaargh.

    Is there a club for this, or something? Because I got this wunnerful comment:

    This is exactly why I’m growing to dislike your blog!!! You keep pushing ideas to people and telling us what to like and what not to. I’ve looked at your posts and you ramble and you like the sound of your own voice. You’re reviews are super long, who reads that?! I mean it’s also obvious you’re sucking up to the authors who give you free books. Have some INTEGRITY ok?!!!

    So we don’t like short stories SO WHAT. (You call it short fiction, how PRETENTIOUS is that?) If I can speak in behalf of christa, she just said she doesn’t like short stories and you chew her out for it and patronize her? And you backtracked by thanking her for your feedback? PATRONIZING. I do not understand why you are read. For politeness’s sake I guess!!! You are all about name-dropping. Your blog reeks of arrogance and self-involvement. Your last sunday salon post attacked this girl Camilla. How do you think she feels about that? You apologize but this is all just passive-aggressive shit.

    Have you ever thought that we don’t like “short fiction” because of people like you who are so elitist about it?!

    Stop tryin to sound smart with all your rambling posts and name-dropping.Get off your high horse. You read disguised PORN for god sake.

    Tada. The “disguised PORN” dig was about the post the week before this comment appeared, wherein I had a very civil discussion with a reader about her disapproval of my romance/erotica reading. Augh.

  5. 5
    Tina C. says:

    I don’t have anything to share—I just want to follow the comment thread.  I would comment on the above hate-email, but it’s hard to find anything to say about it that it doesn’t say about its incoherent self.

  6. 6

    Dag, they even got the “STFU” in there, letter for letter as in your disclaimer…only not the context you’d intended. Spooky and stfu.

  7. 7

    Oh and @Sasha, if that’s a reader who follows your blog and hates it, imagine what the folks who aren’t reading it must think! For shame.

  8. 8

    Never gotten hate mail. Got some really creepy mail over the years, but no haterz. Do I be happy about that or feel left out?

    It never ceases to amaze me the things people will do for attention. I mean, really, what purpose did those emails (the one in the post and the ones others are discussing) serve besides to make the sender look like a stark raving lunatic?

    Then again, maybe I’m glad not to be a member of the haterz club. My emails go along the lines of offers to help research vampire sex (I kid you not) or how to become an erotic model along with eye gouging pics *shudder* or how well equipped my husband is (the sender thought not enough) because they wanted me to “join” them in their play. It’s like they see erotic romance and think it’s free reign on being complete nitwit pervs. Wanna trade?

  9. 9
    AgTigress says:

    Oh and @Sasha, if that’s a reader who follows your blog and hates it, imagine what the folks who aren’t reading it must think!

     

    LOL!  This is what I find so puzzling.  Why are these people READING the blog if they hate it so much? They are wasting time, deliberately doing something they don’t enjoy.  Like over-indulging in fattening, unhealthy food that one finds nauseating rather than delicious.  Weird.  I can well understand why someone who is watching her diet might fall from grace all too often with some heavenly dark chocolate, but if they did so with a bowl of lard, I would wonder whether they are right in the head.

    Many of us, I suspect, fret a bit about the amount of time we spend reading fiction or internet sites that we like, or watching enjoyable but unnecessary programmes on TV, because we have a lot of other essential stuff to do, and our spare time is limited.  Pleasure and enjoyment is a valid excuse for a time-wasting activity, but time-wasting in misery and loathing seems to suggest that the time-waster is barmy as well as rude and semi-literate.

  10. 10
    Nadia says:

    I don’t have a public presence that would lead to hate mail, but I did once get “fuck you, you fucker” as a response on a bulletin board discussion, LOL.  But she was batshit crazy, so it’s all of a piece. 

    AgTigress, I’ve pondered that myself when on bulletin boards, at the people who go out of there way to participate on boards where they are universally mocked and disliked.  But it must fill some psychological need – I’m guessing a stress release since they get to be as nasty as they want to be in the anonymous world versus in real life wanting/needing to project a sweet image.

  11. 11

    I’ve gotten a few over the years from people who have mistaken my books for Nice Christian Fiction and are Very Disappointed with me for dropping the F-bomb and using the Lord’s name in vain. I always want to say, “Lady, I don’t talk that way. But the 50 year old cop you’re quoting does.”

    Instead, I usually answer back, “I know. My mother doesn’t approve of that, either.” Which is true.

    I once got a real, snail-mail letter from a reader who wanted me to know I was going to hell for writing pornography about a priest. It was forwarded to me by my publisher. It originally came from Canada—complete with extra international postage. WTF?? I picture some little old lady having a wicked lot of fun mailing out author hate mail on her way to return the book to the library.

  12. 12
    Kate says:

    I read the first two books of this series and was not impressed.  I have spoken to other women who have read many more titles from this series and they all stopped because they were too formulaic.

    One thing from the first book has always bothered me.  If he can’t feel emotions how can he be so distraught that he wants to kill himself?  Distress is an emotion.  His desire to kill himself came from an emotional place. 

    The “can feel no emotions” thing is a stupid ploy anyway.  This is a romance novel.  The hero is going to have to feel to make it work.  Readers are going to want to know that he feels something for the woman he is boning.

  13. 13
    Sarah says:

    I’m usually a lurker here, but I do so love hate mail.

    I write an NBA blog, and one time someone left a comment calling the best player on the team I follow a “dusche bagel” and telling me I suck. I loved it so much I now occasionally give a “Dusche Bagel of the Week” award.

    Same thing. If you aren’t going to even TRY to spell or type coherently, you should realize what you write just mocks itself.

  14. 14
    Danielle says:

    “Males lose their ability to see color at about age 21” uh sorry but your
    off, WAAAAY off. They lose teh ability to see in color AND FEEL EMOTION at
    about age 200!!!

    One year off eh? Wow, that’s pretty major. Wow.

    My favourite hate mail (well, hate comment) came after I disagreed with someone about coding a blog layout. Three months after the exchange, his wife comes back and leaves me a somewhat incoherent comment about what a mean person I am and how her comment has just meant that she and her husband have now “won” the exchange.

    I mean, this fairly minor disagreement prayed on his mind so much that he was ranting to his SO three months later and getting her to bitch at J. Random on the internet so he’d feel better. What?

  15. 15
    Mama Nice says:

    All I can say is that most famous of quotes…“With friends like these, who needs enemies?”

    Oh, dear, speaking of friends, I am a tad worried this hater may be a close friend of mine. She has been trying to get me to read Christine Feehan books for awhile now, and that series is her favorite. She was just telling me all about the series the other day…and I was telling her about your website…hopefully it’s just a freaky coincidence. She does have a slight crazy streak in her…

  16. 16
    A 'community manager' says:

    I moderate a web discussion forum, and we get all kinds of hate mail. People just really don’t like to have their precious, precious words removed from teh intarwebs.

    There’s a running joke amongst my team about the fact that we frequently get called Stalinest Nazis and other variations that make us both fascist and communist at the same time.

    My favorite hater, though, is the one who ranged around the internet writing anybody else who blog-posted about issues with our site. He’d provide them with a series of apparently embarrassing details about me—like the fact that I’m fat—which was apparently meant to call into question my abilities to manage a website. Because fat people who live in basements—they know nothing of the internet.

  17. 17
    KimberlyD says:

    Danielle, Sarah’s review said age 21 and the haterator said age 200…

    I agree with Tina C. You can’t even insult that hater mail-it insults itself waaaaaaay more. I’m never going to pretend I have perfect grammar or spelling but if I really want someone to take my comment/complaint seriously, I am damn well going to run spell check and at least somewhat pay attention to grammar.

    And I’ve never understood the point of reading or following a blog I don’t like. I don’t even think its worth posting a comment if I only read one entry and dislike it.

    I’m looking forward to reading more funny and ridiculous hatemail!

  18. 18
    Kati says:

    I’ve never rated hate mail either. But what I love is the…ehem…passion in this particular piece of hate mail.

    It’s almost like you should be prepared to head out by the dumpster during seventh period so that y’all can duke it out, Sarah.

  19. 19

    Someone really loves Christine Feehan’s Dark series, seriously. I’m thinking maybe this as sent by a teenage fan?

  20. 20
    Carin says:

    I had to comment because I really like Feehan’s Dark series.  When I first found this website I looked up your Feehan review.  I LOVE that review.  I still like the books, but I can still appreciate a spot on review.  Actually, I think it was after reading that review that I bookmarked the site to check daily.

  21. 21
    JamiSings says:

    I don’t save my hate mail. Usually try not to even read it because it’s always the same. “UR SO FAT AND UGLY! Y DON’T U DIE?” I get things like that on MySpace along with how I’ll never be an “American idol” because I’m a “fat, ugly beast.” I finally had to shut down comments entirely on one blog I have because they were even posting insulting remarks to my blog post about the one year anniversary of my sweet dog, Audrey, having to be put to sleep.

    I also recently watched a 70s porno, Alice In Wonderland, and went looking it up on IMDB, there was this big discussion about how “hairy” women were back then and how “disgusting” it is. I was on the side of the people who said that removing all that hair made a woman look like a prepubescent girl and gave a creepy, pedophilic vibe. (I also pointed out only one wasn’t “groomed down there” in the movie all the others were.) I got an e-mail through IMDB titled, “SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SHAVE, WOMAN!” I didn’t read it.

  22. 22
    Danielle says:

    *adjusts reading glasses* Ah yes, it does say 200. Sorry, haterator! My bad entirely.

    (In my defence, I was distracted by the exclamation marks.)

    P.S. Also, my capcha is twenty65. I feel like the capcha is subtly rebuking me and my dubious grasp of numbers…

  23. 23
    Laurel says:

    I love hate mail so much I wish someone would start a blog of just that.

    The funniest thing is the books that get people all lathered up. I liked Twilight. Bunches. But come on. It was not life changing, not an epiphany of any sort, and even if Edward did walk off the pages into my bedroom to watch me drool and fart in my sleep I would hold no appeal for him since he’s, you know, all about Bella.

    How come no one sends text speech hate mail about, I don’t know, Isabel Allende? It speaks to my theory about the quality of literature being inversely proportional to the level of vitriol inspired in the fan base.

  24. 24
    Kim says:

    Luckily, I don’t have any reason for people to send me hate mail. Although I do hang out with a group that have been referred to loudly and publicly as the “bad apples” of a certain actor’s fandom.

    @Sarah, I want to know: is a Dusche Bagel better or worse than a douche bag, I wonder? What kind of toppings does it have?

  25. 25
    emdee says:

    Wow, unintentional humor much?  Please people, if you are doing to write hate mail, run the spell check.  Make it believable.  Well-constructed sentences can only help your cause. Otherwise, you invite what you are criticizing and deserve everythng you get back.

  26. 26
    Mireya says:

    Wow, that is quite the Hate letter, I think a congratulations is in order!  I can’t say I’ve ever received any (don’t know what I’d do with one anyway).  Maybe you should establish some sort of award for bloggers hate mail or sumtin’

    My problem with Feehan’s Dark series are the heroines in her books.  That’s why I consider the books “hit or miss”.  I don’t mind the “formula” aspect of the series.  Some of the books I’ve absolutely loved i.e. “Dark Guardian” which is, to date, my absolute favorite or “Dark Possession”, others, however, I even use as examples for a good wall-banger i.e. “Dark Fire” which is also one of the most, if not the most, popular book in that series among the fans.

  27. 27
    CourtneyLee says:

    I’m glad she didn’t run spellcheck. That letter wouldn’t have been nearly as entertaining with proper spelling and grammar. I’m enjoying the shared hate mail, too. Things like that always make me wonder what is going on in their lives that striking that particular nerve triggers such a volitile reaction. There have certainly been times where I have had hate mail-like thoughts, but I’ve never had the urge to actually pass my crazy on to someone else.

    About the 21 vs 200 thing, if you think of how Carpathians age, it’s still pretty accurate. It’s like reverse dog years or something: for every ten years that a human ages, it’s like one year for a Carpathian. So Sarah wasn’t all that mistaken when she wrote 21.

    I’d never read that review of the Carpathians and I’m glad this post led me to it—I totally agree. I read the first 8/9 of them (all the books up to Dark Celebration) and that’s when I got tired of the formula. It didn’t make them less entertaining (well, before I got my fill of “ug, me Carpathian, you lifemate”), but it does make them pretty mockable. But as my mother always says, Christine Feehan is being mocked all the way to the bank. And she’s a total sweetheart to boot. :)

  28. 28
    Stephanie says:

    I got one of those comments once—I mean, I have a piddly little infrequently-updated review site, so once is enough.

    Anyway, the gist was, “OMG you gave this book 4/5 stars?! I would give it 10/5 if I could! You really should reread it, because clearly you didn’t understand that the book is SO AMAZING.”

    … yeah, I got dissed for giving a B review, basically.

    I love it when people call my reading comprehension into question. Because, you know, it’s not even remotely possible that I read the book, understood it, and decided it wasn’t worth a full 5/5 stars, right?

  29. 29
    Lori says:

    This is what I find so puzzling.  Why are these people READING the blog if they hate it so much? They are wasting time, deliberately doing something they don’t enjoy.  Like over-indulging in fattening, unhealthy food that one finds nauseating rather than delicious.

    In the case of the email sent to Sarah I suspect the hater is either a reader who liked the blog fine until she read the archives and saw what she felt was a dis of book to which she is apparently a bit overly attached. Either that or she’s one of those people who trolls the internet looking for reviews of her favorite books and complains whenever & wherever she finds one that she doesn’t like.

    I’m not sure what’s wrong with Sasha’s hater, but I’ve found that when people make crazy accusations they’re usually accusing others of what they themselves are doing. So my guess is that Sasha’s hater is arrogant and self-involved and reading reviews she thinks are bad give her a way to feel smug & superior.

    My word is five84: As in some people will always be emotionally 5, even if they live to be chronologically 84.

  30. 30
    hwm says:

    What a coincidence! I got my first hate comment today and I feel ridiciously proud of myself. In my review I mentioned that the novel in question was written in present tense and called it a risky choice that didn’t work for me.
    The response:

    U R TEH POOPY HEAD. I NO CARE ABOUT TENSE

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