While looking up the links for the Alexis Harrington review, I found this cover:
WOW. OH, man, what the hell is he doing? No, really, tell me: what the hell is going on in there? Caption this cover! You’ve got 24 hours to leave your best caption in the comments. I’ll pick the winner (and feel free to nudge my vote), who will receive a $25 gift card to the bookstore of his or her choice.
Really, what the hell is going on in there?!
“First we touch the curtain, then we yank the curtain.”
“Um…honey?”
“First we touch the neck, then we break the neck.”
“Behold, I summon the Drapes of Doom…”
“For a minute Rose of Sharon sat still in the whispering barn. Then she hoisted her tired body up and drew the comfort about her. She moved slowly to the corner and stood looking down at the wasted face, into the wide, frightened eyes. Then slowly she lay down beside him. He shook his head slowly from side to side. Rose of Sharon loosened one side of the blanket and bared her breast. ‘You got to,’ she said. She squirmed closer and pulled his head close. ‘There!’ she said. ‘There.’ Her hand moved behind his head and supported it. Her fingers moved gently in his hair. She looked up and across the barn, and her lips came together and smiled mysteriously.”
(Many many – so many – apologies to Mr. Steinbeck)
“Gaze upon the drapes, my love, and know they are as pure as our desire, for I have washed them upon my abdomen.”
CASSIE – OMG that was the loudest I have laughed at a comment in ahwile…I think it would be fair to say I was cackling!
My off the cuff responses:
“Sometimes the power of love can be smothering.”
“They’ll ride the waves of passion to her final resting place!”
I may be back if I can let my brain stew awhile…but my vote goes to Cassie with the Othello reference for the win!
“Zits, tits and arm pits. What do you think, baby? Nice, huh.”
Looks to me like a tornado has taken down his teepee and he’s whipping it out of the way to save the his fiesty red-head saloon girl he kidnapped from the wagon train taking her to San Francisco.
But that’s just what I see . . .
You may be better looking than me, I’m going to need to cover you up.
“Hey, did you know your dress is falling down?”
“Did YOU know you forgot to put on deodorant?”
I’m torn between two …
When Paulo told Rebecca that he could take her for a roll in the sheets like no other, she didn’t realize he meant it literally.
and …
This is the way we wash the sheets (wash the sheets, wash the sheets), this is the way we wash the sheets, so early in the morning.
“Shelter me under your mantitty from those evil smothering curtains…!”
And… that’s all I got.
Homeward Hearts – The Return to Neverland
“Peter Pan is all grown up and taking Wendy for a ride.”
I can’t surpass the awesomeness of “the carpet doesn’t match the drapes.”
“You’ve heard of the Shroud of Turin but have you heard of the Shroud of Bow-chicka-wow-wow? In 500 years they’ll be carbon-dating my man-juices. Rawr!”
Erotic Asphyxiation—should he use his hand, the sheet, his underarm, or his powerful, powerful mantitty?
Ooh! Me! He and Hayden Christensen were my celebrity crushes in middle school. A weird combo, I know, but the heart wants what it wants and all that…
Brought together by a chance meeting in the hair care isle of the local supermarket, Kalen and Fabiozo knew it was true love when their shared fetish for drapes was revealed…
I apologize for this, but it’s clear he’s about to snap her neck. What he does after that, I leave to your imagination.
Inconceivable! The dread pirate Armando keeps his cool as he attempts to save Fiona with his life-sustaining man milk while keeping the ship’s sail from smothering them.
Oh darling.. Look at my man nipple and smell my armpit as I hold your neck in a death grip so you can’t get away.. Don’t you love my rock hard abs and beautiful hair? I am going to pull this sheet down over my face so you don’t have to look at my face while I rock your world”
She’d heard of men like this. Men who enjoyed a maiden’s lips upon their……nipples!…..but she just couldn’t bring herself to commit to such a scandalous act, no matter how much he dug his fingers into her neck.
Don’t squeeze the Charmin!
Behold, the world’s most over dramatic dutch oven.
“Help me out girl, does the cream of these curtains match the accents of your bodice? I’m thinking it needs a touch more yellow, more of a buttercream color.”
A quick twist of the neck and into my magic curtain you go!
“Dearest love, I can save you from perishing because of a melted spine, but first you must eat these lacy, gently wafting curtains.”
Oh, fiddle dee-dee, Scarlett! It’s no bother. No bother at all. I will happily tear down this curtain asunder so you and Mammie may make your lovely self a new frock.
Smothering Heights–-Should he suckle or smother her? A twisted tale of passion, obsession, and male lactation.
Is, “Lord of the sheets” taken? If not, allow me to elucidate for you:
Shelton Mcmantitaes, widely regarded as the king of interior decorating and a wiz at hospital corners, finally takes a bride who doesn’t balk at his penchant for nursing, nor lying on a bed of thorny roses.
That’s all I got before my coffee.
“I can’t stand up, let me grab ..okay. Now smell my new Axe deodorant. No really smell it! here, let me hold your head, Does that make me seem too weak to you? I mean I am weak, that is why I am having to hang on to this sheet you draped from your ceiling. What is going on with that? Girlfriend we have to talk decorating!”
Rafael tore back the heavy drapes surrounding the princess. His shirt had been shredded by the briars surrounding her prison, and his hair had come undone from its knot and blew wildly about his face. As he lifted her limp form to his chest, the thorny plants blossomed around them… Never had he been so thankful for his curse, the curse that caused him to lactate aqua vitae…“Yes, drink my darling. Drink, and be restored to life…”
hes93… well, he could be, I guess!
“You must watch me flex my perfectly bronzed bicep. … No, really, watch. … Here, let me help you.”
Whot? You’re not dead yet? {said in a monty python way} Then here, let me smother you with the drapes. BWAHAHAHA!
OR
My poor dead darling! {Sighing as I clutch your dangling head to my manly chest} I can’t bear to see you like this. I must cover you. {uses curtains}
I’m another big fan! Of course, I loved George of the Jungle as a cartoon first. But Brendan beefed up good and was cute and goofy. One of my favorites!
“Thank God we landed safely! Let me just gather up the parachute…”
Um, you’ve got a little…
Right there, under your nose. A little to the left…
No, it’s still there…
Here. I’ll just use this to wipe it away. Now, spit.
“You think farting in my face is funny? Wait til I cover your head with these drapes. Who’s laughing now?”
“See, I told you my tan was darker than yours. Its all in the baby oil.”
“They did a lousy job on my chest waxing. Come closer…can you feel any stubble?”
Michael Lightfeather knew what he had to do the moment he saw the enchantress’s white skin and fiery hair. She was one of THEM. The people that took away his land and called his people savages.
Emma Johanson couldn’t believe how beautiful this man was. She knew he was considered a savage, but she could never believe a man as beautiful as he could be evil. The smell of him alone was enough to convince her that he was a good person, someone she could love.
That was when she saw his hand on the curtains. She didn’t have the time to wonder what he was doing as he pulled the curtains down, circling them around her neck. “No!” She screamed. “I love you!” Then everything went black.
Michael could not believe what he had done. Had she really said she loved him? Could he have been wrong? Could he have fallen victim to one too many Cassie Edwards novels? At least now he had a defense if he was caught.
He:
I specifically asked you to get the four-poster curtains in Ecru Dream! These are Pearl Fling! This is totally wrong with my coloring! God. Can’t you do anything right? We’re never going to make the cover of House Beautiful now.
She:
We’re never going to have sex either, are we?
The Buff Magician’s Conjured Virgin