So much awesome in the inbox, I can’t even tell you.
Lisa sent me the following link to vintage men’s adventure magazines. After looking at the covers, would you rather face down:
– weasels ripping your flesh
– cannibal crabs crawling to kill
– the red tide of death (Kotex makes something for that, I bet)
– a battle with a giant otter
– mad monkeys manning the lifeboats
– an alligator who won’t give you back your arm
– flying rodents ripping your flesh
– being chewed to bits by giant turtles
This is a very difficult choice. Think about it.
Zoe Archer sent me this link, which is just layers of WTFery: Christian Audigier Ed Hardy condoms. Say the following with a straight face, I dare you:
Our “Ultra Premium” and “Monsieur Bond Extra Large” are designed with a “Baggy Head” that makes the condoms easier to use….
So please enjoy and thank you!.. for being FURIOUSLY SEXY with Christian Audigier!
Oh, for fuck’s sake.
Finally, Kiersten sent me this movie poster, and OH MY GOSH.
HOFF. Is in a MOVIE. Called DANCING NINJAS.
No, wait, it gets better. His character’s name is ANSEL LADOUCHE.
My head just exploded. That just made my weekend. And now, it can make everyone’s weekend better. Thank you Hoff!
It’s Contest Time! I challenge you to come up with a brief 100 word plot summary and book title that combines all of the above elements. Bring it on: Ansel LaDouche, The Hoff, baggy heads, furiously sexy, and one (or more) of the bizarre battles from the men’s pulp magazines—get wild and silly and willy. Best one wins $25 to the bookstore of your choice – and your pimping in the comments can sway my vote.
The comment thread will be open all weekend until 1 June 2010, so have fun. Beware the Dancing Ninja!
The Condom That Was In Ur Ass, Saving Ur Life
Ansel Ledouche, ninja master, may have met his match in the attack of a giant killer cobra. Suddenly, his mind flashed back to the advice his dancing master gave him. “Always carry Christian Audigier’s Sexline condoms for that extra baggy head,” his sensei’s voice reminded him. His furiously sexy night’s antics had left him with only one condom. Can he loop the baggy head over the cobra’s head in time to save himself and his foreign lover?
Hahaha, Ben P, you are amazing. Bollywood dance scenes, an eyebrowless Pattinson, and fisticuffs? I find myself wishing this were a real film. 🙂
**********************THE PELICAN DEBRIEF*********************************
Savage seabirds ripped my speedo
Ansel LaDouche pulls back the curtain on a cult of baggy-headed, flying fish eaters only to find he is the one exposed.
“Now it’s my tern” he quips as he frees the long legged, British cutie from her captors.
Here’s my stab at it. Can you tell I spent the last few days writing adventure game proposals?
~~~~~~~~
When a trio of dancing ninjas abduct her and carry her to an island on Blackbeard’s Lake, Sarai believes it’s one of Bond’s Halloween pranks.
Le Marquis de Bond has to row his canoe past the band of man-eating beavers guarding the island and rescue Sarai from the ninjas before they open that box of Monsieur Bond’s condoms. While Red Tide of Death—his Halloween drink recipe (think spiced rum and cranberry Slurpee)—has won him wild success as a kinky, blogging chef, it hasn’t left time for honing rowing and martial arts techniques. But, Bond conceives another plan.
Humiliated by the Man’s Action Life paparazzi cover revealing her secret identity as Puss-e, the flesh eating deep throat spy for a former Dark Knight, Chastity Dare seeks a dancing ninja to avenge her. Technically a virgin, Chastity can’t believe the Red Tide of Desire that overcomes her when she learns that the man she has secretly loved from afar is Ansel Ladouche. Stripped of his baggy head condom disguise by the furiously nimble dancingboy ninja, Ladouche is forced from his throne, leaving behind the Man’s Action Life magazine and a clue that reveals her Dark Knight has come again.
Ooops, forgot the title: This Kitten Has Teeth
The Forbidden Keyhole of Madam’s Kill-Cruise
Ansella LaDouche was tired of being just another Man-Hungry Hussy in the 5th Avenue Jungle. Furiously Sexy, she decided to pack up the Baggy Head Condoms and check out Cape Cod’s Sin-Happy Vacationists. “No more Dancing Ninjas”, she swore. She was ready for a Hot Rod Genius who could make her feel like the Weasels Ate Her Flesh!
“Extra Large Monsieur Bond” she whispered to herself. “I am headed to The City of the Night Where Anything Goes.”
Okay, it’s a little (a lot?) over 100 words but heck, I’d read this! In fact I kinda want to write it! Up against some tough competition in JoAnn though!
A Hot-Headed Heroine
Ansel LaDouche had known many battles in his time. As the Official Dancing Ninja for David Hasselhoff’s twin brother, Evander Hasselhoff, he had fought giant otters, giant turtles, and even a vicious pack of flying rodents imported from Madagascar especially for Evander’s entertainment, relying on nothing but his lightning-fast feet and disciplined movements. But even his years of intense training in underground studios in Nagasaki under the master of ninja dance, the mysterious Baggy Head, couldn’t prepare him for the fight of his life.
After suffering a grave injury at the jaws of a crocodile, Ansel’s career providing high-octane thrills for Evander’s gore-hungry audiences is over. Returning to Nagasaki for advice from his old master, he is shocked to learn that Baggy Head has disappeared, leaving his business and his students in the hands of his furiously sexy niece, Cabeza Caliente, who also happens to be furiously angry at Ansel for deserting the studio. Although Ansel and Cabeza’s last encounter left them both sporting bruises, they are now forced into close proximity as it becomes clear that their long-time ninja dance rivals, a sinister group known only as the Red Tide of Death, may be responsible for Baggy Head’s disappearance. As the two team up against cannibal crabs, mad monkeys and the lurking minions of the Red Tide to rescue their mentor, can Ansel and Cabeza fight through their past and learn to see each other as more than rivals?
Dancing Ninja: A Prequel
Ansel LaDouche faces his most difficult challenge in keeping the world free from evil. The treacherous, yet alluring, Serena Hazamuri is in his sights. But, is her plan to destroy of a Hummer factory ecoterrorism, or is it simply a misguided action stemming from good intentions? He can’t look at those beautiful eyes without thinking perhaps she just needs a good strong man to help her on the right path.
Ansel lures Serena to Santa Monica Beach with an auction of former Enron executives’ yachts—a perfect setting for an ecoterrorism PR stunt. Realizing the trap, she tries to escape. In horror, she finds she can only run in slow motion down the sandy beach. Ansel slams into her side, knocking her into the surf. It starts as a struggle, but as these things go, the heat between them is irresistible.
“Oh my,” she murmurs, “you’ll need a Monseur Bond Extra Large.”
As Ansel readies to slide in his Hasselhead, jealous ex-lover Sebastian Nad tosses a throwing star with deadly aim. The intent lovers don’t notice the Audigier baggy head has been pierced. They make love in the surf without regard to the killer turtles biting at their limbs.
Fast forward nine months: birth of the first mutant ninja turtle.
Papa Ansel is thrilled. “Such artistry. We’ll call him Michaelangelo.”
Dancing Ninjas, the summer blockbuster, or ballbuster as the case may be, is coming to a theatre near you. Featuring David Hasselhoff as Ansel LaDouche, an Ed Hardy Baggy Head condom and feminine products salesman and part-time ninja student who faces each day with courage, despite having previously lost a testicle in a tragic sparring accident. Ansel and his furiously sexy friends face off against the Red Tide Of Death in a Jackson-esque dance-off that will leave you on the edge of your seat.
Dancing Ninjas; you will never look at dancing or hygiene products the same way again.
And this is why I get out of bed in the morning. So much awesomeness I may implode.
Mild-mannered David Hasselhoff impersonator Victor Cantrell leads as dull a life as one would imagine for a David Hasselhoff impersonator would – until he wanders into the wrong backstage room after a gig and learns that famed dancing troupe “The Dancing Ninjas” are, in fact, actual ninjas who use their dance-honed muscles to execute fabulously choreographed fight scenes against their nemesis Ansel LaDouche, a former compatriot who decided to use his hypnotic abilities to create vicious man-killers out of not-generally-threatening animal species FOR EVIL. Having Heard Too Much, David is offered two choices: he may become one of them and join the Dancing Ninjas in their quest, or die! Suddenly, Victor is training with the Dancing Ninjas, saving the world by day, providing light dinner entertainment by night! Finally, he is sent on a series of missions to rescue nubile vixens from the sex trafficking ring LeDouche is running under the cover of his designer baggy condom factory. Clutching a buxom beauty to his manly chest, Victor battles giant otters, flying squirrels, numerous crustaceans, and even turtles as he leads the women to safety. But which wardrobe-malfunctioning beauty will win his heart? And who will be the victor in the final battle against LeDouche? Read on, gentle reader, read on.
Oops, I forgot “furiously sexy.” Can you mentally replace “wardrobe-malfunctioning” with “furiously sexy” above?
La Douche’s Ninja Bride’s Secret Baby
Furiously sexy daredevil Ansel La Douche is in trouble. 16 years ago, on a mission in the Mekong Delta a mysterious ninja goddess appeared out of nowhere and rescued him from an alligator’s deathgrip. He fell in love at once and in a private moonlit ceremony he pledged his devotion to Delilah, his ninja bride. After a night of love unparalleled, she disappeared. Ever since, he’d attempted increasingly daring stunts to try and draw her back. But even after a battle with a giant otter, Ansel is alone.
Now a boy, sharing his unholy likeness to The Hoff has turned up saying he’s Ansel’s long lost son. The evidence can’t be ignored. The baggy head condom not only felt like it wasn’t there, it ACTED like it wasn’t there!
Can Ansel connect with the son he never knew?
Can the two Douches find Delilah and become a family?
“Ansem LaDouche is a lover not a fighter, and top rep for Ed Hardy condoms, but when The Hoff muscles in on his teretory and steals his girlfriend by saving her from crazed weasels this means war! Furiously sexy! Explosively dangerous!
Coming to a bookshelf near you is ‘Love Battle Explosion!’”
Less of a blurb, more movie trailer style and at fifty words is concise, but this should be a movie where Hoff comes up against Hoff in a battle of love and hate. Or something.