So much awesome in the inbox, I can’t even tell you.
Lisa sent me the following link to vintage men’s adventure magazines. After looking at the covers, would you rather face down:
– weasels ripping your flesh
– cannibal crabs crawling to kill
– the red tide of death (Kotex makes something for that, I bet)
– a battle with a giant otter
– mad monkeys manning the lifeboats
– an alligator who won’t give you back your arm
– flying rodents ripping your flesh
– being chewed to bits by giant turtles
This is a very difficult choice. Think about it.
Zoe Archer sent me this link, which is just layers of WTFery: Christian Audigier Ed Hardy condoms. Say the following with a straight face, I dare you:
Our “Ultra Premium” and “Monsieur Bond Extra Large” are designed with a “Baggy Head” that makes the condoms easier to use….
So please enjoy and thank you!.. for being FURIOUSLY SEXY with Christian Audigier!
Oh, for fuck’s sake.
Finally, Kiersten sent me this movie poster, and OH MY GOSH.
HOFF. Is in a MOVIE. Called DANCING NINJAS.
No, wait, it gets better. His character’s name is ANSEL LADOUCHE.
My head just exploded. That just made my weekend. And now, it can make everyone’s weekend better. Thank you Hoff!
It’s Contest Time! I challenge you to come up with a brief 100 word plot summary and book title that combines all of the above elements. Bring it on: Ansel LaDouche, The Hoff, baggy heads, furiously sexy, and one (or more) of the bizarre battles from the men’s pulp magazines—get wild and silly and willy. Best one wins $25 to the bookstore of your choice – and your pimping in the comments can sway my vote.
The comment thread will be open all weekend until 1 June 2010, so have fun. Beware the Dancing Ninja!
Slightly off topic but perhaps David Hasselhoff’s real name is even more unfortunate. Assel is the German for donkey and koph for head, some small attempt was made to conceal his roots but is clear that Hasselhoff was originally Asselkoph (literally asshead) usually more informally though more correctly translated as dumbass. True fact, Asselkoph was a real surname bestowed on a serf family by a lord, no doubt underwhelmed with their work ethic.
Legend has it the lord’s name was Reginald “the Red” Forman
Baggy-head condoms break. They move around so much they’re prone to tearing.
Well, maybe they’re trying to push that ‘urban baby’ line…
On the topic of men’s magazine covers, I heart how that woman’s shirt just happened to fall open while she and her man are facing the sea serpent on the cover of Man’s Life. Reminds me of old B movies where the chicks are ALWAYS in short shorts and the smallest of tops whether in prison or in the jungle.
Crap. Right after I hit “submit” I saw a GREAT article title on one of those men’s mag covers “Sex Can Be Fun”…LOL!
And his coat of arms was just a large foot on a field of red.
Punniest part of the condom site? The “Celebrity” section. If you hit the link, it says, “Coming soon”…
Actually, Weasels Ripped My Flesh is one of Frank Zappa’s most well known albums, and yes, he got it from that illustration. The album cover is awesomeness all on its own:
http://tinyurl.com/5u578h
I’d give anything to read the story “Why Marry a Virgin?” and see how they answered that burning question.
ALL THINGS HOFF NOTICE:
EW reports that The Hoff will reprise his role (1975-1982) on THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS soap opera on June 15th.
His character?
The dashing Dr. William “Snapper” Foster.
Oh, and his real life daughter will play his nurse. Gad.
Erik “Strudel” LaDouche, professional bowler, is about to bowl his last frame, when suddenly, a band of blue costumed hot lady ninjas attack him. His father, Assel LaDouche, jumps in and kicks ninja-ass. Most of the hot lady ninjas run away but Strudel was able to knock one of the hot lady ninjas out with his bowling ball. After the battle is over, Assel tells Strudel that he was, in his youth, a super-secret bad-ass ninja and that the secret organization of hot lady ninjas wants him dead. The hot lady ninja, named Sue, wakes up, confirms his story and see the error of her ways but warns of subsequent attacks. Assel and Sue start training Strudel quickly but they are afraid that they will not succeed. While watching a dance competition during a break from training, Assel and Sue realize they can train Strudel with dance moves. It is an amazing discovery and Strudel becomes the Dancing Ninja, super awesome fighting machine. After Strudel becomes the Dancing Ninja and right before the last battle, Assel and Strudel discover that they have both fallen in love with Sue and tensions arise. Will they succeed? Who will win the love of Sue? You can only find out by watching the Dancing Ninja!
If you check out the mag covers, you HAVE to read the article titles. Another hilarious one is “Can Women Justify Their Need for Extra Marital Relations”? Who says we have to? LOL!
Even better: The Trailer for Dancing Ninja
You’re welcome.
Ed Hardy Condoms – Endorsed by John Gosselin.
Yeah, forget the art work, the titles of the articles are about to kill me, I’m laughing so hard. My favorites so far? “Why Marry a Virgin?” and “Sin Happy Vacationists Are Overrunning Cape Cod”
Also, these men’s magazines apparently contain a few romance articles. Am I wrong or do “Man-Hungry Hussy of She-Devil Island” and “Gentle Slaughter of the Virgin Bride” sound like AWESOME titles for a romance novel?
“Man’s Life: Why Foreign Girls Make Better Wives and Lovers”
You know, I’m pretty sure that’s the motto for a mail-order
sex-slave chore-bitch from a third-world countrybride website.Jennifer U:
I’m glad I wasn’t eating or drinking anything when I saw that, because I would have destroyed my computer. I am definitely sharing this trailer with everyone I know!
Weasels vs Dan: Fight!
A blond boy-man faces his next challenge after defeating ferrets with his love Cassie E. – weasels ripping the flesh off people! However, after using baggy head condoms (he always buys one size too big), Cassie is down for the count with TRIPLETS, and blond man Dan no longer has the help he needs to defeat the weasels. He goes into training with the furiously sexy The Hoff (like The Boss but with crappier music), and through a series of action shots Ansel LaDouche teaches Dan how to fight without his lovely leading lady. And in the end, with swelling music Dan is able to win just in time to watch his Triplets be born and LaDouche win his singing competition (after hiring dancing ninjas to kill his competition).
Next time, watch Dan with three bouncing babies take on…The Giant Otter.
I’m just going to go ahead and rip off one of the articles, and title my book “Gentle Slaughter of the Virgin Bride.” WHAT, tell me WHAT is that article about, and can I read it? Pleeeeez?
That poor boy Lucas Grabeel graduated from “High School Musical” to this?!
does hasselhoff take himself seriously? he doesn’t think of himself as a creator of high art or something does he? (i know, i know, everyone said baywatch was more intelligent than it was given credit for. but this? seriously?)
I am totally not up to this challenge but am loving the entries and wanted to post a comment so the chewy, crackly goodness keeps flowing into my inbox.
Heh. Maybe I could have worked a weasel or two in there.
Masculine Inadequacies Drive Women Nuts!
Hmmm, ya think??
I don’t know who had the worst job at these men’s magazines: the person who had to come up with these hook lines (mainly involving attacks by smaller animals), or the artist who had to visualize and make interesting these said attacks. Like RebeccaJ pointed out, somehow, somewhere, a woman with her breasts falling out of her top will be in on the action.
Putting the “Men” Back in “Menses”: The Ansel LaDouche Story
Ansel LaDouche has a dream. Not an ordinary dream—like being David Hasselhoff, or commanding lifeboats filled with monkeys—no. His dream is to eradicate periods. Every man hates the red tide of death—heck, even baggy headed condoms are no match for that shit. It makes the chicks bitchy and stains your Ed Hardy sheets. The Furiously Sexy ™ ones. With the Amulet of the Flying Rodent, and his trusty gun “Shooty,” LaDouche learns to love… and finally makes the world safe for men.
He was an aging dancer,recovering from a long six years of alcohol abuse by dancing. She was a Lady Ninja from the Redtideofdeath ninja league.when they meet by chance,at “David Hasselhoff’s Special treasure Dumpster” restaurant, they realized they had a spark. and they began an affair. What Ansel Ladouche didnt know, was that his lady love had a boyfriend. Beautiful,blonde Hank Mclure, an Otter fighter. He found this out the hard way as he went out to pick up condoms.“Baggy head,huh? More like busted head” Willansel win his ladies heart? Will Hank win his final death dance with the otters? find out all this and more in “dancing ninjas”
Firstly, did any one else notice that the POWs in the background of that one Men’s Illustrated are PANTSLESS? Why, oh why, would you try to escape “Stalag III” without pants? Or is this pre-Guantanamo sex-torture?
Also, let’s imagine you’re in the Amazon. Floating along the river, humming to yourself the same tune you sang last night when you ‘overpowered’ that local seductress, when OUT OF NOWHERE a giant… otter? Seriously? THE AMAZON. You couldn’t think of some bugs or something. Otters are cute and cuddly and adorable. Not life-threatening. Not even the giant ones.
Sorry, this is more than a hundred words.
Return of the Dancing Ninja
It was a sturm and drangy night. ArVin DuPlug woke with a tingling sensation in his lower extremities. Next to him, his virgin girl Friday’s eyes popped open.
“Sensei, what disturbs your rest?”
“I do not know, LaTrina. Only that something stirs….”
Staring into the pitchy darkness (lit only by the suppressed passion in LaTrina’s burning gaze), ArVin realized that the jungle that lay only a few hundred yards from any location in the Club Bed resort was completely silent . That had to be significant. He rose swiftly, dusting the sand from his manly bosom, and pulling LaTrina to her feet. There was no moon, no stars; the only heavenly body was … his own. Even the sea… the sea!
“Omigod, it’s a tsunami!
Quickly, Arvin ripped free the cable with which he was stealing the power to run his DDR and lashed himself and Latrina to the nearest palm tree. Before he could even say “Hold your breath,” the giant wave was upon them. Fortunately, years of breath training allowed the pair to survive the ocean’s initial onslaught. Less fortunately, the disruption of the ecosystem brought forth waves of wild creatures, and the pair spent the next ten hours fighting off everything, from blood thirsty mammalians to pissed off amphibians. When Arvin wasn’t choking lizards or wacking off turtles, he was using LaTrina’s nubile body to fend off some extremely pneumatic serpents. Suddenly, through the splashing of reptile corpses and LaTrina’s whimpering he heard a familiar laugh.
A totally shiny black yacht loomed out of the darkness. On the prow, wrapped in a coordinated black brocade smoking jacket, stood the arch enemy of Dancing Ninjas everywhere, Ansel LaDouche. Leering down at the exhausted twosome, LaDouche chuckled and extended his hand. Arvin squinted at the object lying there.
“Oooooh… It looks just like an Monsieur Bond extra large baggy headed condom.” whispered LaTrina.
“How the hell does a virgin know that?!
“Wrong, slut, boomed LaDouche. “You’ve managed to fend off my legions of mutant pets, but you won’t defeat my giant baggy-headed leeches! Give it up, Arvin. You can’t win. I am your father!”
Will Arvin choose the blood-sucking condoms or the emo-sucking girlfriend?
Will LaTrina manage to sew the buttons back on her blouse?
Will LaDouche agree to family counseling?
Will PETA nuke the entire island?
Tune in to the next episode of Return of the Dancing Ninja….
And everyone said they read Playboy for the articles.
Never go by what “everyone says.”
The Hoff was swashbuckling nerd who needed to feel alive. He decides to follow the red tide of death and leaves the world of accounting to battle with giant otters. While flying rodents were trying to rip out his flesh, he met Ansel LaDouche, the she pirate who rescued him only to get her arm ripped off by an alligator. He rescues the sexy LaDouche and takes her back to her ship while being chewed to bits by giant turtles. The two proclaim their sexy attraction to each other. Him for his nerdy sensibilities and her for her balls of steel before sailing off into the sunset.
Sin happy vacationists are overrunning Cape Cod?! Thank goodness I live on the North Shore. Next you’ll be telling me that foreign girls make better wives and lovers. Now, where did I put those extramarital relations…
Teenage Baywatch Ninja Girls
Chunks of flesh had been ripped from the sailor’s blood-soaked corpse by sharp teeth, and in his throat was a gaping hole encircled with red that was NOT blood – but lipstick! Most incredible of all, each clue led straight toward, April O’Neil the spoiled young wife of the wealthiest man on Venice Beach , and her thrill-mad girlfriends. Ansel LaDouche knew these furiously sexy, love starved man eaters didn’t fake orgasms; he would be their next victim unless he emerged victorious from the “Hasselhoff Wrassle-Off”
Enquiring minds want to know: are they were-weasels?
Dancing Ninja, Peeping Tom.
All Ansel Ladouche ever wanted was to meet The Hoff, founder and leader of the elite Dancing Ninjas. Sparks fly at first glance, but The Hoff has secrets that might mean the red tide of death for their blossoming desires. Can Ladouche cure The Hoff of his predilection for peeping by teaching him the use of baggy heads? or will this be the end of their furiously sexy love?
From lifeboats on the monkey-infested waters of Stalag, to the jungles of She-Devil Island, their journey shall conquer all…
O.M.G.
Synopsis: Tsunami of screaming laughter
Seriously wetting my pants here.
“New US Menace: Teen-Agers in Black Leather Jackets!”
It’s almost cute how naive it sounds.
Combining a western remake of Drunken Master with the most artistic autobiography since Being John Malkovich, David Hasselhoff, alias Ansel Ladouche, mercilessly beats the stuffing outta some sword-wielding Asian chick and her horde of ninja-smurfettes to rescue his daughter, a famous filmmaker, from The Smouldering Villain, played by Robert Pattinson. Almost unrecognisable with his plucked eyebrows, Pattinson once again wows us with his somnambulant expressiveness. With Bollywoodesque dance scenes choreographed by Shar Rukh Kahn, set against the love triangle of Lorenzo Lamas, Shauna Sand and AJ Lamas this film is a moving tale of love, fisticuffs, betrayal and family values.
Oops, forgot the damned Title.
The Drunken Dancing Master: The David and Taylor Ann Hasselhoff Story
I’m probably going to to go hell for this. But hey, I’ll be in excellent company.
“Kate Gosselin’s Dancing with the Ninja Stars Memoirs” by Kitty Kelly.
Kitty Kelly pens an unauthorized account (is there anything else?) of this seasons Dancing with the Ninja Stars. In this mostly compelling story of love, hate, sex, and killer rodents. Go behind the scenes as Kate reveals her great deep dark abiding love of dancing, and her secret hot affair with another contestant, Ansel LaDouche, aka The Hoff. A passionate pair off set, and fiercest rivals on the dance floor. It’s a fine line between love and hate and Kate when competing for the coveted mirror ball trophy (and a slim chance in hell to revive ones “career”). Witness The Hoff and Kate confront killer rodents and judges at every turn and lift. Become engrossed, or grossed, while Kate and Hoff wait 5 terrifyingly tense minutes to see what color the stick turns after discovering the huge baggy headed condoms they used really weren’t condoms at all, but icing applicator bags for Ace of Cakes set. Will Kate have more goslings? Will Hoff own up to fatherhood and really, really, bad movies? Will the vermin quick step their way to your heart? Do Ninjas dance so fast you can’t really see them?
“It’s tense, it’s gritty, and it’s vermin.”—RT. “It’s dirty in all the wrong ways.” -–SB Trashy Books. “Another poignant and wonderful story from Kitty Kelly of love, hate, greed, and killer rodents.” –-The Ubiquitous Harriet Klausner. “We’re baffled”.-–NY Times. “WTF?” –et al.
Not so much a plot as the crazy Buffy fueled nonsense that entered my brain when i saw this…
(Giles)
I’ve got a theory,
that it’s a Ninja!
A dancing Ninja!
No,something isn’t right there.
(Willow)
I’ve got a theory,
some lifeguard’s dreaming,
and we’re all stuck inside this wacky broadway nightmare
(Xander)
I’ve got a theory we should work this out,
(Willow, Tara, Anya)
its getting eerie whats this Ninja singing all about.
(Xander)
It could be the Hoff! That evil Hasslehoff,
Which is ridiculous cause Hoff is talented, buff, not creepy,
drove a cool car, and german fans, and i’ll be over here.
(Anya)
I’ve got a theory it could be Ninjas!……………
(Tara)
I’ve got a theo—
(Anya)
Ninjas arent just cool like everybody supposes,
They got them throwy stars and twitchy reflexes,
And whats with all the sushi?
What do they need so much tnua for anyway?
Ninjas, Ninjas, it must be Ninjas!
…. Or maybe midgets?
(Willow)
I’ve got a theory we should work this fast,
(Willow, Giles)
Because it clearly could get serious before it’s past.
So, so, so much fun!
Thank you!
I need to lie down now.