Ahoy from the Not Safe for Work department here at Bitchery HQ.
I’m not kidding about the Not Safe for Work Part. Please. Think of the children. And yourself.
From Melissa Marr, we have an amazing and dare I say brilliant link to what truly happens when you become Bejazzled. Bejazzling, if you’re not familiar, is when Swarovski crystals are applied to your waxed hey-nanner-nanner. Instead of a landing strip, for example, you have a sparkly strip.
Wouldn’t that… chafe, should someone engage in some action with her actual and literal glittery hoohah?
But then, nestled intimately alongside Melissa’s email came another email from Gry, who sent in this piece of Norwegian majesty: Ad for over-filled swimming trunks … sometimes there can be too much sausage.
Ok, that’s Gry’s translation from Norwegian, but if you look at the picture, you get… the picture. Here’s the rest of the article, translated:
The German sportswear store might have selected slightly larger size for the
model.One of the readers of the Swiss online news page Blick.ch discovered the potent ad picture in the web store of Sportcheck, a german sport equipment retailer.
One of the models is shown wearing a classical pair of swimming trunks from Adidas. But, as the reader discovered, the trunks were either too small, or the model had too much body. Alternatively, somone has screwed up rather badly while photoshopping.
(The picture has been removed from the web shop page)
Wow. Glitter and wang! In one entry! How do I cope?
With a contest, of course. These two are destined to meet, the bejazzling investigator and the overburdened swimsuit model. I’ve got a $25 gift certificate up for grabs (ha!) to the person who comes up with the best romance novel title for these two lovely people. The Overhung Swimsuit Model’s Glittery Virgin? Caught In His Swimtrunks by The Sparkle?
Comments close in 24 hours, and you’re more than welcome to pimp your favorite to try to sway my vote.
For some reason I keep thinking of Latin American lit.
The Incredible Story of the Bejazzled Blogger and Her Wllell Hung Hero
The Bejeweled Story of Ouch
The Dong in the Crystal
Sparkle your Wang
These are all so, so funny! I don’t know why I thought it would be a good idea to read SBTB on my iphone on the train, but at least no one was sitting next to me! Because of course I couldn’t resist clicking on the pictures. I still managed to frighten the other passengers by giggling hysterically to myself, especially when I read XandraG’s “The Bedazzlement of Duke Peepingdong.” Amazing.
My contributions:
“All That Glitters”
“Bewitched, Bajazzled, Bewildered”
“Midnight Sun” (with my apologies to Stephenie Meyer)
“The Olympic Athlete’s Quest for the Gold” (or the silver)
“The Lonely Swimming Instructor’s Star Student”
“His Inconvenient Swim Trunks”
Oh god I can’t stop! “Peeping Tom”! No, no, enough.
I was also thinking Stephenie Meyer. Here’s mine:
Twilight Revisited: A Very Special Sparkle
Action, adventure, and va-jay-jay all in one: “Speedy Longmember & the Quest for the Lost Lap of Luxury”
Bling the Thing
I’m frightened that my titles have already been taken. We spend way too much time together guys.
The Vamp of Glitter Gulch
Lightning and Thunder Down Under
Sparkle Plenty and the Olympic Winner Go to Town
Oslo Nights Are bright
I’m still laughing over these two!!
I could only ‘come up’ with:
Her Schlong Search for His Not-So-Buried Treasure
Maggie, I bow down before your title prowess. That is magnificent!
Mine:
“Snake in the Splendour Where There Should Be Grass.”
Pee-ping at your bling. 😉
Verification word: twenty- not that long, but almost!
I keep getting creeped out by the idea that someone could vajazzle herself with an Edward Cullen.
Here’s my stab:
Cocky Corsican Vajazzelaire’s Virgin Waxing Girl
Glitter Vajayjay in Wonderwang
Now I’m straying into porno country…
Uncontainable Love… As Seen on TV
The Peeping Lord and the Rhinestone Cowgirl
And here I thought “Fun Betty” was pretty wild…
The Billionaire’s Blutwurst Bling
I googled “german words for sausage” and scrolled until inspiration struck. Hours of entertainment!
So *that’s* what Jennifer Crusie meant… 🙂
http://www.arghink.com/2007/04/09/the-glittery-hooha-an-analysis/
Disco Sticks on Parade.
Holy cow these are making my day. And brava to the Twilight suggestion. Edward’s skin sparkles in the sun, now we know how the effect manifests for Bella. Or maybe that’s just transference.
My humble suggestion:
The German Sausage Mogul’s Diamond Studded Swim Instructor: Skin Diving in the Crystal Cave/The Sparkling Sands of Ima ‘Gina*
* pronounced like the second and third syllables of the Lady Parts#
#not the Lady Parts that rhyme with Dolores
The Billionaire Eurotrash Lapidary’s Sexually Liberated Rhinestone Cowgirl (Part one of the Wilhung Brothers’ Brides, feat. Stafford “Speedo” Wilhung.)
oh man, that was bad…
Behung & Bejazzled
Jewels For Doctor Johnson
Diamonds & Lust
The Snatches of Sparkling Dewberries…
I don’t now why I bothered LOL
When the Tennessee Stud met the Vegas Veejay
and…
The Diamond as big as the Klitz (sorry ;-D )
Real men sparkle.
or Real big men sparkle!
Swimming in her Shine
Codename: Sparkle Shaft
Hung like a Horse goes to the Disco!
Ha! I like the last one the best… LOL
Lisa 🙂
Your just so sparkley I gotta wear shades
Long Duk Dong and the Bedazzled Landing Strip
The Vajazzling Millionaire’s Untouched Virgin Landing Strip
“He had made a fortune vajazzling the rich and famous, but this former Bel Air pool boy couldn’t bedazzle the one woman whose landing strip he really wanted to ‘light up’.”
The Norwegian Sausage King’s Vajazzled Virgin
Okay, I kid you not—my word is large79!
Bright Lights, Big Kitty
Man Overboard
Speedo Limit Ahead
Lucy in the Pie with Diamonds
hard73?Why, yes.
Okay, delurking for once to add my two cents….
“The Priapatetic Norwegian Swimwear Tycoon’s Sparkly Virgin Bride”
The word might actually be “priapetic”. Or maybe it’s not a word at all, but you know, priapism. As in, can’t loose the wood no matter how hard he tries.
Because please, we all know some photographer wanted him to fill out those shorts and he chose NOT to go with the sock.
The Un-private Dick and the Case of the Diamond Pie
Sorry I was feeling Perry Mason-ish.
The Vagazzled Slave and the Gargantuan Peen?
shi n m e
shine on me
jewels of shimmery
shimmery of shine
dimoands are forever
shining is forever
swimming for jewels
Meet Me in Diamond Head
Maggie, you are ON FIRE.
All I can come up with is So Much Man, So Little Swimsuit OR Is That A Bratwurst In Your Trunks, or Are You Glad To See My Jewle-Encrusted Crotch ? Not very good, I know. Spamword is late37, as in “I’m late and 37 people already came up with better titles.”
Snatching Diamonds
Bejeweled for his Majesty
Snake on Her Sparkly Plane!
or
Coming Soon! Crystal Gal opening for Big Head Todd
ouch. sorry
I’m going a bit noir with; “The Not So Private Dick and the Dame Who Glittered Down-under”
my capatcha is meaning 37; nope i’m pretty sure be-dazzling your vaj has 1 pretty clear meaning….
Oh come on, Meagan owned this mother:
That one is untoppable.