Bejazzled and Beswimsuited, with Romance Titles

Ahoy from the Not Safe for Work department here at Bitchery HQ.

I’m not kidding about the Not Safe for Work Part. Please. Think of the children. And yourself.

From Melissa Marr, we have an amazing and dare I say brilliant link to what truly happens when you become Bejazzled. Bejazzling, if you’re not familiar, is when Swarovski crystals are applied to your waxed hey-nanner-nanner. Instead of a landing strip, for example, you have a sparkly strip.

Wouldn’t that… chafe, should someone engage in some action with her actual and literal glittery hoohah?

But then, nestled intimately alongside Melissa’s email came another email from Gry, who sent in this piece of Norwegian majesty: Ad for over-filled swimming trunks … sometimes there can be too much sausage.

Ok, that’s Gry’s translation from Norwegian, but if you look at the picture, you get… the picture. Here’s the rest of the article, translated:

The German sportswear store might have selected slightly larger size for the
model.

One of the readers of the Swiss online news page Blick.ch discovered the potent ad picture in the web store of Sportcheck, a german sport equipment retailer.

One of the models is shown wearing a classical pair of swimming trunks from Adidas. But, as the reader discovered, the trunks were either too small, or the model had too much body. Alternatively, somone has screwed up rather badly while photoshopping.

(The picture has been removed from the web shop page)

Wow. Glitter and wang! In one entry! How do I cope?

With a contest, of course. These two are destined to meet, the bejazzling investigator and the overburdened swimsuit model. I’ve got a $25 gift certificate up for grabs (ha!) to the person who comes up with the best romance novel title for these two lovely people. The Overhung Swimsuit Model’s Glittery Virgin? Caught In His Swimtrunks by The Sparkle?

Comments close in 24 hours, and you’re more than welcome to pimp your favorite to try to sway my vote.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1

    The Jewel and the Crown Jewels

  2. 2

    Dazzling Duke Dick
    The Unhidden Jewel
    The Seven Year Itch
    Treasure Down Below
    Lover Really Revealed
    Drop Trou Gorgeous

    I know I should be asleep. And the ver words? Southern and service. How very appropriate.

  3. 3
    Megs says:

    Crotch-ing Sparkle, Not-So-Hidden Wang

  4. 4
    Foz Meadows says:

    Oh, eccentric and awesome universe as represented by teh webnets, how I love thee! Also, puns :)

    Suggested titles:

    Rough Diamonds / Diamonds in the Rough
    Beauty and the Bits
    A Multifaceted Woman
    Buried Treasure
    Flying Sparks
    A Very Long Enamourment (if that’s not a word, it should be)
    Jewelled For His Pleasure
    Crystal Meets Long John
    Vajazzled

  5. 5
    Mary Anne says:

    The Bedazzling Foot Long Affair

  6. 6
    SheaLuna says:

    Crotch-ing Sparkle, Not-So-Hidden Wang

    ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!

    I really, really must stop drinking coffee whilst reading SBTB.  I really must.

  7. 7

    Sir Gawang’s Forbidden Love for the Crowned Queen

  8. 8
    Nadia says:

    Vajazzled at the Well-Hung Swimwear Tycoon’s Command

    That’s all I got.  It’s early.

  9. 9

    The Bulging Jewel Thief’s Tempting Virgin Narcissist

    The German Sausage Merchant’s Shimmering Hairless Bride

  10. 10
    Katherine B. says:

    Awright, so my contribution is not romance-y. But I thought of the conjunction of little crystals and long dongs, I snorted thinking of my fav Japanese festival food.

    So – The Confetti Banana?
    Banana Dragee?
    Passionate Jewels of the Fruits of Love!

    To get a visual, check the links – one to my Flickr set, another to Japan Newb page! I think all may agree that all young J-girls enjoy these treats a lot! Mmm…choco banana. On a STICK! Even comes in your choice of phallus colors – brown, pink and green!

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/crimsongriffin/4268706650/sizes/l/

    http://www.japannewbie.com/2006/11/01/chocolate-banana/

  11. 11
    Kristin says:

    Vajazzled and Exposed

    Hehehe, my word verification is plant69

  12. 12
    JamiSings says:

    Dave Longjohnson Meets Virginia Discovag

  13. 13
    Bibliophile says:

    The Dick and the Diamond (true 80’s style, that one)
    Sparkling Love Dew ( (a bit porn-y, I guess)
    Her Little Secret and His Big One
    Tight and Sparkling

  14. 14
    Keira says:

    Holiday in Tahiti: The Norwegian Tycoon’s Sparkly Virgin Revenge

    He will desparkle her in one mighty thrust and leave her in the dust.

  15. 15
    Zita Hildebrandt says:

    Hung Swimstar and the Crystal Tunnel of Love

    this is the well-known sequel to:

    Hung Swimstar meet the Vampiress

  16. 16
    SB Sarah says:

    Do you know how much I love these titles? I can’t even tell you. I’m desperate for caffeine yet afraid to have liquid anywhere near my face.

    “The Dick and the Diamond?” That is so James Bond-y I can’t even sit up.

    If I could do such a thing, I’d give away a prize to have your own bedazzling appointment, but then I’d be inflicting Brazilian wax on someone.

  17. 17
    Emma Hillman says:

    Even though that trunk picture is worth a thousand words, here’s my contribution because I couldn’t help myself:

    Size Matters But Carats Do More

  18. 18
    XandraG says:

    Not just any girl will turn this tycoon’s head, he has to be…
    “Distracted by Shiny Things”

    Or some Regencies:
    The Bedazzlement of Duke Peepingdong
    Miss Crotchrocks and the Case of the Problematic Puss-Pearl

  19. 19

    “Diamonds are forever…and so is the rash from the adhesive”

    Need more coffee to be creative.

  20. 20
    Hydecat says:

    Long, Hard Disco Nights

    The Over-The-Top Swimsuit Model and his Jewel-Encrusted Bride (well-endowed swimsuit model meets fiesty blogger and discovers that more than her wit is sparkling)

  21. 21
    Tina says:

    Hmmmmm…I can’t keep reading this stuff at work, my manager thinks I am crazy because I am shaking with laughter at my desk.

    How about

    “Swimming in Diamonds”

    or

    “Between a Rock and a Hard Place”

  22. 22
    AndieG says:

    Packin’ Heat and the Sparkly Treat

    The Well-Hung Swimmers’ Virgin Vajazzler

    Peek-a-boo Wang and the Glittering Hoo-Hoo

  23. 23
    Sarah W says:

    Jewels of Denial

    Love’s Burning Shine

    Love’s Shining Burn

    Dirk Turgid and the Crystal Cave

  24. 24
    Caroline says:

    Hmmm.. I’ll throw my hat into the ring…. For some reason I am seeing a Circus in my mind….
    – The Diva Circus Permformer’s Elephant Man
    – How to Tame a Bedazzled Burlesque Dancer
    – Shining Under the Big Top

    And now… Pirates! *drum roll*
    – Captain Tallywhacker and the Plundered Diamonds
    – Crakken-Killer, Diamanté Damsel
    – Diamond Cove

    And this just popped into my head:

    “…When Cassandra created her figure skating outfits, she made sure no detail was left out, and that everything matched perfectly, with no worries. But, unfortunately, she did worry about how to find an outfit for her partner that fit properly. She was always afraid of catching her skate on his ‘appendage’, and the gynormous thing wobbled when he did his throws…. it really ruined her concentration! She sighed, her thoughts interrupted as she poked her fingers through the crotch of yet another ruined pair of pantihose. They just didn’t reinforce them how they used to….”

  25. 25

    Drowned in Diamonds, Drenched in Pearls
    The Hardy Boys and the Crystal Cave
    Crystal Blue Persuasion
    The Lifeguard’s Guide to Love
    Mouth to Mouth
    Sea of Love
    Diamond Head: Honeymoon in Hawaii

  26. 26
    Miri says:

    It’s not your Granny’s Bedazzling!

    Or simply !!!!Bedazzled!!!! (jazz hands)
    Visuals of the Broadway play running through my head!

    I showed this to The Hubs and he voted for the bareness w/o the sparkles.

  27. 27
    Silver James says:

    Romancing the Dong – She has a diamond-encrusted hoohaw. He has the equipment to strip mine.

    Dong on a Sparkly Tin Hoochie

    Diamond Hoohaws Are Forever

    Vajazzled and Let Dong

    A View to a Dong

    Dong Up and Vajazzle Me

    Okay, I’m sinking fast. Time for more coffee. However, when I saw the swimsuit picture, my first thought was: Gives whole new meaning to being able to touch your nose with your tongue…

  28. 28
    Cathy says:

    The African Diamond Tycooness’s Turgid Pool Boy

    Shaft Steele and the Penetration of the Diamond Hymen

    Glitter Vajazzle and the Blooming of the Purple Manroot

    spamword: cover37—you could cover a lot of hey-nanner-nanner with 37 crystals.

  29. 29
    Kathy says:

    Twink and the Twinkle:  Over exposed

  30. 30
    Tamara Hogan says:

    “The Jewels and the Crown”
    “Sparkling ‘Gina, Winking Wang” 
    “The Bedazzled Virgin and the Millionaire’s Bursting Banana Hammock”

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