Grab a flask and play along: it’s time to get head-weaving drunk with “Someone Without A Clue Reviews Romance: the Drinking Game!”
While multiple-mullet salutes have been found with increasing frequency, it’s still cheap and easy humor, akin to blonde jokes and snide comments about overweight people, to slap at romance novels, and of course the women who read them. So let’s see how many lame and tired points of insult Kimya Kavehkar comes up with before she runs out of column inches: Judging Romance Novels By Their Steamy Covers!
Comment about the covers: DRINK!
We’re going to judge the book by its cover! Because the covers are SO lame (yes, sometimes they are) and it’s SO funny how they’re all SO LAME.
Except for the part where you’ve already outed yourself as being a steaming pile of imaginationless dookie. Judge books by their covers. Wow. Will wonders never cease.
I need another drink. Hang on.
Ok: let’s read on past the headline, which someone spent copious hours on, I’m sure. It’s a clusterfuck of cliche up in here, up in here.
Reviews that aren’t really reviews but instead plot summaries of dubious grammatical construction: DRINK!
Did you know that any book, regardless of it’s social status and intellectual cache, can be reduced to fascination levels previously achieved only by lukewarm yogurt? So true: just summarize the plot points badly. For example:
Jesus’ half-baked buddy gets all asshurt when he’s forced to live in a motel and write his memoirs.
Three women living in the rural South explore the many layers of life women face living in the rural South.
I think my kid killed someone.
Some guy dies in a cave.
So yeah, doing the same to romances? First, not a review. I don’t think you’ve read the books in question past the back cover copy. Poor dear, was that all you could manage?
Second, still not funny.
Third, that’s the best you got? Come on, I got half a flask left here.
Tangent Question: which is easier to mock, NASCAR or romance? I think it may be a close tie, but both parties are going to laugh all the way to the bank so you have fun with your flaccid humor.
NASCAR and romance have a lot in common, though: dismissed by outsiders as dreck for the unintelligent, yet made up of fascinatingly brilliant people with incredible intellect and creativity.
Reference to nausea as appropriate response to happiness: DRINK!
Yes. Because happiness is, like, so lame. Too easy a target – next!
Obligatory reference to romance readers as lonely, boring women: DRINK!
Equally important depiction of romance readers as women who have many, many cats: DRINK MORE!
Required snide mention of Nora Roberts: DRINK MORE!
This one is just pure chortling gold: Author Nora Roberts is known for her grocery store check-out aisle fame, her books typically picked up by single ladies and accompanied by nine tins of cat food.
WOW. I think Nora’s got some hot marketing potential here: “Nora Roberts: Bigger Than Tic Tacs.”
(I’m going to need some Tic Tacs after all this drinking.)
SWEET DELICIOUS IRONY: this article is from the Berkeley Beacon, the newspaper of the Emerson College, where they’re “Bringing innovation to Communication and the Arts.”
Yes. Because nothing says “innovation” like being uninformed, ignorant and lame! Ms. or Mr. Kavehkar, let me know when you’re ready to bring it, because then I’ll be ready to take you seriously.
Tune in next time for another round of, How many tired cliches of romance snippery can you fit in one lame article? with your host, “Whomever thinks they’ve got a clue about romance but knows jackall about it.