Links from the ‘Oh, you’re kidding, right?’ department

First, from Kristen Painter, My New Pink Button, a dye to down your nether lips (or neither lips, whichever you currently possess) back to a lovely pink, should the normal process of aging and hormonal changes mean that your downthere is a bit more brown or red in color.

A: OMG, this MATTERS?! I’m filing this under ‘Really? You bleach your anus? Why?’

B: I better see some seriously florid and elegant descriptions of nether lips that reference the color. I barely pay attention to what my own hard-to-see parts look like, but I darn well want to know what a romance heroine’s hey-nanner-nanner looks like beneath the hood, k? Synonyms for pink: get on it!

Second, from JKR, I bet this guy cares a LOT about the color of your meat curtains.

Third, from anonymous, who says she is cringing over and over, comes this announcement: the admins of an online fanfic community devoted to Twilight have announced a new publishing company. Of course, yes, they are specializing in romance. After all, how hard can it be?

The twist on this one? Omnific is “a publishing company specializing in the publication of authors with a proven track record of online success in transformative works.”

How does one measure “online success” as a writer of transformative works? Hits? Number of people telling you you’re awesome? The owners of the press really, really liking your stuff?

But the real amazing part for me:

Omnific Publishing is a publishing house with a myriad of resources for author development and promotion, including post submission editing with Certified Editors, associated art development, publication in various media, national marketing, and profitability.

“Post submission editing?” Isn’t that kind of the point? And what exactly is a Certified Editor? Many, I’m told on twitter, are “certifiable” but Certified?

I found one such certification through a site called Grammatika but I’ve never seen that seal of wtf on anyone’s site before, either. Certified by WHOM? Half of their staff is listed as being among the “certified” but no reference of the certification source. Are there certifications for editors I’m not aware of?

Can I declare myself Certified Awesome? Certified Carnival Ride?

If it weren’t so irritating, it would be hilarious.

Categorized:

The Link-O-Lator

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Carin says:

    I think you can declare yourself Certified Smart Bitch.  And, if you want to make some money on the side, perhaps you could start a School of Bitchery where BiTs (Bitches in Training, of course) could become fully certified Bitches.  There is money to be made with this!  Now you just need a logo, mascot, mission statement…

  2. 2
    militaryspouse says:

    Hey, my main squeeze is happy to get near the “nether” regions that he doesn’t care what they look like, or how they are coloured.

    Are they going to come out with a cream for the purple plum of men?

    I don’t even want to know what the cream feels or smells like.

    spamword:  reason42:  I can think of at least 42 reasons to avoid this product like the plague:

    1. chemicals near my ladybits??

  3. 3
    Tasha says:

    The Editors’ Association of Canada has a certification program that I’m told is well respected. I assumed that’s what was meant here. But if they mean that Grammatika crap . . . ::shudders::

    As far as the dye . . . This is surprising, why? In an age where many young men honestly don’t realize women have pubic hair (because there apparently isn’t any in pr0n these days), is it really that big a leap for skin/flesh color to become an issue?

  4. 4
    Melissandre says:

    That Twilight fanfic site seems to have a lot of ties to Cassandra Clare.  I don’t know too much about the issue, but I thought her name was verbotten in many fanfic communities, you know, due to her habits of plagiarizing and extorting money from her readers.  Interesting…

    Meanwhile, anyone else want to join me on the Omnific staff page for a little game of Spot the Padded Resume?

  5. 5
    JamiSings says:

    Anal bleaching, I understand, is mostly a preference of homosexual males and all porn stars/models. Same probably goes for dying the vulva or any other lower elements.

  6. 6
    liz m says:

    You know there are surgeons who sculpt the lady parts to be more ‘youthful’. Is there really any doubt that prepubescent but with big fake hooters is the ideal woman we’re all being sold? This is a peeve of mine, akshully.

  7. 7

    See, part of my brain is going, well, if people to dye their mouths with lipstick, I guess this isn’t technically any different to that.  If aliens landed, they’d probably think they were both pretty odd things to do.  And then rest of my brain is busy going WTF?  WHYYYY?

  8. 8
    Leslie Kelly says:

    Considering I just wrote a book with a serial killer who wears that same King mask, I have to say those pictures gave me a real chuckle.

  9. 9
    Cat S says:

    The BK guy scares the living cr*p out of me.  Whenever one of his commercials comes on TV, I run screaming from the room like an arachnophobe who has seen a spider.  My husband thinks this is hilarious because I love horror movies…

  10. 10
    Lori says:

    It strikes me as interesting that Omnific seems to be operating under the assumption that success with “transformative works” in some way equals quality of original works. The problem is that it really doesn’t work that way. Some people are skilled at both fic and original works, but from what I’ve seen most aren’t. That makes the basis of their entire venture pretty shaky.

    IOW I won’t exactly be waiting breathlessly for their offerings.

  11. 11
    ghn says:

    Pink dye for “down there”???

    Suuure… apply, wait for allergic reaction to blossom, wash off. Now, I have never even contemplated actually _doing_ this, because I _do_ have allergies, and they are emphatically _not_ fun. And when you develop an allergy, you are stuck with it.
    Just imagine scratching the affected area until you bleed. Not exactly conductive to nookie.

    Icky is barely the beginning…

  12. 12
    Kalen Hughes says:

    Y’all have seen the ad for “Vulva” the true scent of a woman, right? *shudder* I can’t quite decide if it’s a joke or not, and that truly is SAD.

  13. 13
    Hey!T says:

    That Twilight fanfic site seems to have a lot of ties to Cassandra Clare.  I don’t know too much about the issue, but I thought her name was verbotten in many fanfic communities, you know, due to her habits of plagiarizing and extorting money from her readers.  Interesting…

    I think the thing to remember when dealing with a lot of the TwiFandom is that for many this is their first real fandom experience so they have little to no knowledge of the wanksplosions that have come before.

  14. 14

    I already knew my husband kicks ass, but any time anal bleaching comes up (and if you’re a Dan Savage follower it’s not that rare a topic) I love him even more heartily than usual. I mean, he’s pressuring my to stop dying the prematurely gray hair* on my head. Something about unleashing the SIlver Fox…

    *And there’s a lot of it. I started going gray at sixteen, and I’m thirty now and I’m about 50% gray. I swore 2010 would be the year I stopped dying. Plus, better now than when I have a baby a little further down the road—I don’t imagine I’ll want to be waddling around with swollen feet and an aching back and four-inch silver roots.

    Silver Fox, activate!

  15. 15
    ghn says:

    @Cara McKenna
    Your husband rocks!!

  16. 16

    Oh, he’ll be so excited to know his rockingfulness rated at the Bitchery.

  17. 17
    raj says:

    Lori, it’s not just that some people don’t successfully make the jump from derivative to original.  It’s that some fan fiction is really popular while still being really bad.

    I know a lot of published original fiction is of dubious quality as well, but generally fan fiction gets popular based on a variety of factors not necessarily related to its quality.

  18. 18
    Silver James says:

    Okay. The BK guy just creeps me out. On every level. As for netherparts dying? Yeah, somebody would die for sure for even trying to get close!

    Does anyone else see a problem with publishing fanfic? Uhm…copyrights? As if pirates aren’t bad enough, now we have to worry about people taking our characters, doing whatever the heck they want with them, and getting paid to do so? On the one hand, yes, it’s flattering (sort of) when one’s creative endeavours engender such fandom, but…when people take those characters places they were never meant to go? I’m sorry Harry/Draco slash fanfic is all over the place and I don’t know how JK Rowling doesn’t just split her head open from pounding it on her desk. 

    Cara, your husband deserves the “He rocks!” chorus.

    Heh! Spamword is lines56. Yes, there were at LEAST 56 lines crossed!

  19. 19
    India says:

    WTF is a “Certified editor”?  I suggest one- , two- , and three-martini Certifications….

  20. 20
    JamiSings says:

    @ Liz

    You know there are surgeons who sculpt the lady parts to be more ‘youthful’. Is there really any doubt that prepubescent but with big fake hooters is the ideal woman we’re all being sold? This is a peeve of mine, akshully.

    Now see, way I see it is if it makes you feel better about yourself, do it, just don’t go to an extreme and don’t lie. I’d have plastic surgery in a heart beat if I could afford it. And NOT just because of weight issues. I have scars on my face due to ingrown facial hairs and adult acne (caused by my PCOS) that I’d love to have lightened/removed for instance.

    In fact, I firmly believe plastic surgery should be covered by health insurance so everyone can afford it. Sometimes you can’t fix your inner problems until you fix the outer ones. Sort of like how you can’t fix that huge pothole in the road until you remove the big old dead tree blocking it.

  21. 21
    Melissandre says:

    Silver, I think Omnific is only accepting original work.  I think you’re right; the authors of the original characters would be out for their blood if they tried to publish fanfic.

  22. 22
    awasky says:

    Oh man, I am so amused by that link to Omnific. They have plenty of Certified Editors, but you know what they don’t seem to have? Production, publicity, sales, any sort of legal/contracts type of job, accounts payable… I know these things can be folded in to other jobs at a small company, but they have as many editors listed as some major publishing companies, and I can tell you, the editorial staff is the tip of the iceberg. Editing a book is the teeniest tiniest part of publishing it, and being an editor requires a lot more than just knowing how to edit. So, um, I wish them luck with that…

    Also, Silver James, they do say they want original works only. So they’re not publishing fanfic. Their FAQ implies that it’s okay to retool fanfic into something original and submit that, but that goes on all the time anyway.

  23. 23
    Mollyscribbles says:

    Agreed that the fic-based publisher bears a resemblance to Cassandra Claire; I can’t believe she went from being known as one of the most infamous fic authors out there (not just for the plagarism, but the ‘Draco in Leather Pants’ issues) to bestseller lists.  There is no justice in the world.

  24. 24
    Barbara says:

    Melissandra…. where do you find the links to CC?
    I survived the HP Shipping Wars, so I know what’s coming if she’s involved (and couldn’t wish it on a better fandom than Twilight).

    I’m not seeing the link to CClaire?, though.

  25. 25
    Chicklet says:

    I survived the HP Shipping Wars, so I know what’s coming if she’s involved (and couldn’t wish it on a better fandom than Twilight).

    Ha! I’m not in HP, but I am a Bitter Old Fandom Queen, and I know exactly what you mean.

  26. 26
    teshara says:

    I wish I could say the dye stuff was completely insane and sexist, but I know more than one lass that has kicked a lad out of bed and told him not to return until he rid himself of his foreskin.
    All I can say is: hey, it isn’t surgery that requires stitches.

    Second, the moderated fanfic site and the inclusion of the publishing site is pretty normal for the fandom. It’s been going on since the Star Trek fandom gained speed in the 70’s. My friends mum put her 2 kids through grad school because of stuff like this.

    Sure, is isn’t for everyone and the idea of someone going through my writing and ‘fixing’ it makes me bristle, but some writers and readers just don’t care. (Sweet Valley Twins, anyone?)

  27. 27
    MichelleR says:

    You guys never read the fictional story about Courtney Cox’s assistant that alleges, again fictionally—well, I suppose you can read it:

    http://www.jillsoloway.com/cc.htm

  28. 28
    Mireya says:

    It is VERY easy to open a publishing house.  Anyone can do it, literally.  What is difficult is to actually be able to make it a profitable, self-sustaining business.  To be able to deal with the BUSINESS aspect of it.  It sounds so cool to say “I am an editor” … what’s not so cool is having to deal with the bills, with attitudes, etc.

    I’ll just watch as I usually do.  All those degrees in this and that do not impress me either.

  29. 29
    JamiSings says:

    @teshara

    I wish I could say the dye stuff was completely insane and sexist, but I know more than one lass that has kicked a lad out of bed and told him not to return until he rid himself of his foreskin.
    All I can say is: hey, it isn’t surgery that requires stitches.

    Who says she’s got to do it for a man, though? What if she’s doing it for herself? Because it gives her that extra kick of confidence that people keep claiming pretty panties give?

    This is just one thing I don’t get. People go around saying a woman can do what she wants with her body, even sell it if she choses, but the minute she wants to get anything akin to plastic surgery or anal bleaching or whatever done then suddenly it’s “Wrong” and “sexist” and “she needs help.” What happened to “Her body, her choice”?

  30. 30
    Miranda says:

    Choices aren’t made in a vacuum. We are all influenced and shaped by society. There is nothing wrong with analyzing and even criticizing those choices and the surrounding societal conditioning.

    I can’t think of a non-sexual reason for wanting to dye your hooter, (maybe to match your purse and shoes?) but that’s just me.

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