So many people have written to me asking about the Dreamspinner ad running in our ad column. Some are dying to talk about it, some are asking me to create a thread just to discuss it, and some are absolutely turned off. What, a man with his pants down wearing some mistletoe around another area that may in fact be well hung is worth talking about?
You bet your sweet bippy. So with the generosity of Elizabeth, head of Dreamspinner, who sent me a big ol’ high res version of the cover so you can appreciate the pants mistletoe’d man in all his splendor, we have: Holiday Caption That Cover!
Leave your caption in the comments, and on Christmas Day, I’ll pick a winner. Said winner will receive a $50 gift certificate to the bookstore of their choice. Comments will close at midnight on Christmas Eve, Eastern Standard Time – I hear Santa needs to borrow those tightie whities for a trip round the world, you know?
Mad props and full credit for the image go to Paul Richmond, the artist who created this holiday wonderpiece. And oh, what a wonder it is. You ready? Come out with your pants down!
-There are better places to hang that mistletoe.
-Make sure ALL the presents are wrapped first before we open them.
-Are those your Monday or Tuesday day-of-the-week underwear?
-I told you I needed a belt for Christmas.
“The Festive Interior Designer’s Virgin Bulge”
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows.
There’s a winter wonderland in your pants.
Are those jingle bells or are you just happy to see me?
Haha, know I know why Mark broke up with him. With the not-so innocent oops-my-pants-fell-take-a-look-at-my-package move, the cheesy mistletoe underwear, and the bulge, I would also dump his ass. Hmm…I wonder what would happen if I kicked the ladder out from under him…?
I love these SO much! I don’t konw how you’ll pick a winner. I can’t think of a caption that would even compete with any of these. So I just say THANK YOU all of you for brightening my day!
Edie: the Fa-La-La-latio was my absolute favorite!
All afternoon this kept running through my head, not much needs changing…
“Jolly Old St. Nicholas, lean your balls this way.
Don’t you tell a single soul
What I’m going to say.
Christmas Eve will soon be here,
Now you dear old man,
Whisper what you’ll bring to me,
Tell me if you can.
When the clock is striking twelve,
When I’m fast asleep,
Down my jammies with your hand,
Softly you will creep.
Holly Undies you will find,
Hanging mistletoe,
Mine will be the hardest one,
You’ll be sure to know.
James had just been thinking about grabbing another cocktail weenie when he turned his head and saw…
I just want to know why the mistletoe is missing its berries.
Heh. plant95.
No comment here. Just confusion that his pants fell down while his leg was bent. How does that happen? Sudden gravity surge?
the thing that gets me is, he looks so excited.
“deck the balls with bows so jolly…”
A Tale Of Two Santas And One Holly, Jolly Wonder Worm.
“Is that a sugarplum fairy in your festive briefs or are you jolly to see me?”
“Looks like we’re gonna need some more tinsel to decorate that tree”
“Baby, this year, I’ll be the partridge and you can be the pear tree.”
Altho, edieharris’s fa la la la la la latio has become my new holiday ear-worm. Too funny for words.
(To the tune of… well, you know.)
God rest ye, merry gentlemen
As “merry” as can be
John Cryer in a zippered fleece
And that’s not Charlie Sheen
The decorations “hung” so nicely
on a well-erected tree
Oh, tidings of boy-on-boy, boy-on-boy
Oh tidings of boy-on-boy
I’ve gone through every effort to make this carol “brief”
It’s otherwise quite “hard” for me to express my disbelief
Now “holly jolly” has a whole new meaning (*cough* fig leaf)
Oh, tidings of boy-on-boy, boy-on-boy
Oh tidings of boy-on-boy
“What do you think? My boy’s underwear fits me pretty good.”
“When the undies are smaller the package looks bigger.”
Ho!Ho!Ho! Want to see me shake like a bowl full of jelly?
Sam was feeling prickly when he choose his underwear….
From now on, “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas” would be their song.
“Really, Mark? Your wife never buys you gag undies for the holidays?”
“They’re supposed to glow in the dark, but they need to be exposed to sunlight first.”
In ur ass, saving Christmas.
ROFLMAO! I don’t know if anything I can come up with will top these!
“I thought we were decking the halls, not dicking the…”
“Don’t finish that sentence!”
“Stop me!”
(Okay… that was lame…)
“If I unwrap that, will it be the gift that keeps on giving?”
(Better, better…)
Later on we’ll perspire, sixty-nine by the fire
Under the mistletoe play, we’re hot and we’re gay
Smexing with a copulating man…
(I’m gonna go hide my head in shame now… that last one should get me shot from a cannon!)
*snicker* Dudes… I said ‘top’!!! *snicker*
Leaving me with my final entry:
“How do you want to top this!”
“From the look of things, it’s not going to be a silent night.”
hmm, can’t think why they call him the LITTLE drummer boy!
Holly-balling.
—-
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even Santa’s Elf.
—-
Visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
—-
Have a holly jolly Christmas rewrite:
Ho ho the mistletoe,
Hung where you can see,
Somebody waits for you,
Kiss him once for me,
Have a holly jolly Christmas,
And in case you aren’t queer,
Oh by golly
You can still have a holly jolly Christmas this year.
With apologies to A Christmas Story…
Mrs. Parker: Oh, Randy, don’t play with your food. Eat it!
Randy: Aw, gee.
Mrs. Parker: Starving people would be happy to have that.
“Deck the halls with balls of young men, fa la la la…..”
Look I have mistletoe…go ahead and kiss the berries, they’re nice and juicy and ripe for plucking. Santa won’t care if your a little bit naughty!
Having Naughty Fun Under The Mistletoe
I’m tardy to the party. Has anyone suggested, “Fe la la la la la llatio!” yet?
He goes all out for Christmas.
Holiday Ho, Ho Ho’s VI: The Big Boy in the Holiday Underoos and the Sugar Candy Cane Daddy Who Loved Him.
Misting Tableaux
The present that keeps coming.
Enough with the mistletoe and ho ho ho’s. You’ve already got that thing worn to a nubbin’ and we haven’t even opened my package yet!
Perhaps Mark should have been more specific when he told Steve to put the nuts out.
To the tune of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” (and with some of the original lyrics, which fit a little too well)
I really can’t stay
(but baby it’s cold outside)
I’m not sure that I’m gay
(but baby it’s cold outside)
This evening has been
(been hoping that you’d drop in)
So bizarre
(shit! my jeans might catch on fire!)
I really should hit the hay
(that’s not what your eyes say)
But you’re between me and the door
(can’t you see my hard-on soar)
And I can’t look away
(baby, I’ve been waiting all day)
So maybe just a peek more
(just a sec, I’ll have your ass on the floor)
The neighbors might faint
(you’re under the mistletoe)
The rumors they’ll paint…
(we’ll take it nice and slow)
of our friendship
(don’t you want to grab my hips?)
But holly’s my favorite tree
(come put your mouth on me)
I ought to say “no, no, no sir”
(mind if I move in closer)
At least I’m gonna say that I tried
(what’s the sense in hurtin’ my pride)
I really can’t stay
(oh baby don’t hold out)
both: baby it’s cold out side
Hahappy Holly Days! I want to unwrap your package right here under the misteltoe!
“Honey, please tell me your mother hasn’t switched from hideous Christmas sweaters to Christmas underwear for presents because the last thing I want to think about when you’re dangling that in front of me is your mother.”
(yes, this is a tribute to my fellow Mistletoe Madness author Bethany Brown’s ‘Christmas Perfection’)
“You know, Bob, I was planning on filling your stocking… ah, to heck with it. This works too.”
ps I love the adapted “Cold Outside” lyrics!!