Everything I Need to Know: High School Mystery Redux

AdviceTime once again for “Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Romance Novels,” where, with the power of enormous backlist, romance solves relationship problems. If you’d like advice, feel free to email me at sarahATsmartbitchestrashybooksDOTcom. I never reveal names or locations, so don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.

Here’s this week’s letter:

Dear Smart Bitch Sarah:

I’m a long-time lurker – having only commented a handful of times – but one mystery has been constantly on my mind lately… and after driving all my friends crazy about it, I thought I might graduate to driving Smart Bitches crazy. I think I’m in dire need of the Everything I Need To Know clue gun.

10 years ago I went to high school with a guy who stared at and followed me for two or three years. Deep, straight-at-my-face, eyes-following-my-every-step-as-I-moved stares. I saw him with at least three different girlfriends in that time, but he went on staring at me, even when he was with them. At first I thought he might have a crush on me, and I was flattered as he was very cute (and I’ve never felt too attractive myself), but after a while I just didn’t know what to think. He never said a word to me, or even attempted to. I knew he was very quiet, but let’s face it, he had game enough to be a minor teenage Lothario. If he had wanted to talk to the nerdy girl in the corner he deemed so stareworthy, he could have found a way – especially as I purposely dawdled close to him sometimes. But when I stood close enough to touch him, he refused to look in my direction at all.

Well, fast forward 10 years and I wound up in the same evening class with this guy. I hadn’t seen him at all in these intervening years, and at first I laughed to myself about those school memories and thought, “Geesh, teenagers! How silly are they?” But lo, first day I caught him staring at me through a window when he was outside smoking, and now he behaves pretty much exactly as he used to 10 years ago. In the classroom, he keeps looking at me furtively – sometimes locking eyes with me for a few seconds – but outside the class he looks more boldly when he thinks I don’t notice. When I look at him in class, he looks away and shifts in his seat and licks his lips nervously. Somehow he always leaves the room when I do, and sometimes brushes against me. One time he left a bit earlier but I found him waiting at the front door to hold it open for me… AND HE STILL DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING. I’m shy myself, but I started saying hi to him because I feel like I “know” him in a way, and because the awkward silence was unbearable. He was taken aback the first time, but now he says (or whispers) hi when he sees me. Yesterday I made an experiment by wearing a slightly sexier outfit than I normally would, and he behaved a bit strangely in the hall. He kept smiling to himself and when he asked another guy about the classroom we were supposed to go to, he laughed out loud, slightly hysterically. Then he said hi to me with a strange smile (a first one, that: he sometimes looks me in the eye when he’s smiling over a joke somebody else told in class, but otherwise his looks are always serious). He behaved normally with everybody else in school, and he behaves normally with the other people in the class now. I don’t know what marked me out as his staring target.

If it were some other guy doing the same things to any of my friends, I’d say he definitely has a crush on her. (Or that he’s a creep.) But with this guy, I just don’t know. Again, if a 26-year-old man has something to say, shouldn’t he be able to come out with it? I feel like I’m back in bloody high school again, analysing his every move. And now I remember just how it felt like back then: like some bizarre game. Me feeling simultaneously flattered and bewildered by his attention; dressing up for reaction sometimes; feeling his eyes on me and a nervous sensation in my stomach; and not knowing whether I would prefer to yell at him to stop looking or to have sex with him in the broom cupboard. It doesn’t help that I’m inexperienced for my age and nervous around men to begin with.

Short of confronting him on the last day and asking him upfront what he’s thinking, will I ever find out what the heck was going on 10 years ago – and now? What would a romance heroine do?

Signed,
Shy and Bewildered

Dear Shy:

The smoldering hero who notices you from across the room but who, for the time being and for whatever reason, is content to stay on that side of the unspoken divide is a mainstay in the romance world. I personally have a major literary weakness for the smoldering hero.

But when I read your letter, the way you’ve presented this scenario isn’t so much “smoldering hero” as it is “immature weird guy who either likes having your attention at his command” or maybe “immature weird guy who doesn’t know what to do with himself.”

The fact that in 10 years he hasn’t matured enough to introduce himself and talk to you instead of staring at you all the time does not bode well. Neither does the weird giggling thing. I think you called it when you said it was “some bizarre game.” I’m not inclined to decipher his game, or why he’s playing it, but I think it’s time to move away from feeling the flattery, and act on the bewilderment. He might be crushing on you in a big way- but he’s also acting on it in a very creepy way, one that does nothing for him and belittles you. That shit ain’t right.

There comes a point in a romance where the hero has to man up and take a risk. Seems like you’ve been the one to push the boundaries of this stare-a-thon. You’ve said hi, you’ve approached him, and you’ve taken risks despite, as you’ve said, being nervous around men. Go on with your bad self. That’s excellent for you.

Unfortunately, he’s still staring and doing nothing about it – which is not at all excellent for him. Instead of taking a risk and approaching you, manning up and acting on what appears to be some heavy-duty noticing of you, he’s following a very unhealthy model of behavior.

That smoldering hero might be a frequent player in a romance novel, but that hero ultimately takes a step towards his interest without manipulating her. Reliving high school social interaction at age 26 isn’t a fate I’d wish on anyone – and you absolutely deserve to feel special and noteworthy by a guy who can follow up on his noticing you by, you know, talking to you. And asking you out for coffee.

I think your options are pretty simple. You could confront him and ask if he’d like to have coffee with you, knowing that his behavior hasn’t left much of an indication that he’s all that and a bag of chips in the man-up department. You can attempt to move past your current stalemate with him, but please do so with caution. A lot of caution.

Conversely, and this is the option I much prefer, teach yourself to get in the habit of not noticing him, and look around you at anywhere else but him, and maybe find another guy who you might like to get to know. The fantasy of a guy who seems interested is heady, exciting stuff, but at some point, the state of attraction has to evolve into some sort of definitive action. I worry that he somehow enjoys knowing that you’re aware of his regard, and that’s not heroic in the least. That’s bastard creepy.

A romance heroine might be flattered by the notice of the smoldering guy, but she’d also expect him to grow a pair. The best heroines stand up for themselves, and are met toe-to-toe by a guy who is their worthy equal. You’re worth way more than his behavior indicates, and he’s not acting worthy, nor does he seem equal to the task of acting on whatever has him staring at you.

He’s weird. You’re worth way more than that. Move on and set your eyes on someone else.

Categorized:

General Bitching...

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  1. Diane says:

    The other commenters are forgetting that you said he was “cute.” So you’re attracted to him, right? And hoping the guy turns out, against all the odds, to be a hero.

    I wonder if he stares at you because he thinks you are staring at him? It can happen. If you have a 2-way fascination thing going on, this could be interesting.

    Or creepy. I’m just saying.

    I like the idea of you going up to him and saying, “Hey, did you go to Podunk High?” Gives him the impression that you have NOT obsessed about him and that you remember him only vaguely. If he’s getting off on the idea that he’s YOUR secret crush, this would be an excellent way to cool his jets. And it wouldn’t leave you too exposed—like inviting him for coffee and all that other stuff others have suggested, which I’m guessing is way too bold for you.

  2. Jennifer Spiller says:

    Lina nailed it. This is not a shy guy. I know shy guys. I married a guy who wasn’t particularly confident around women and is younger than I am. I am shy.  And I’ve had the creepy stalker dude thing happen to me several times. Many of them were, in fact, just shy guys. But one of them totally did the power thing and that’s what this guy is doing. I don’t think he’s planning to keep her head in the freezer. I think he just gets off on being an ass, which is why any reaction is a bonus for him.

    And yes, even shy guys need to grow a pair. If you marry shy guy and have kids, you need to know he’s willing to stand up for them, will be willing to call the school, go see the teachers, etc, confront people who want to mess with you. And shy women, you need to do that, too.  I know it sucks. I still get nervous when I’m going to my small church, and I know everyone there, but negotiating the crowd makes me sweat. I do it, though, because I’ve got a sweet, sociable daughter, who doesn’t deserve to get stuck at home with parents who are too afraid to interact with new people.

    Let the flaming begin, lol.

  3. Anaquana says:

    Jennifer, yes everyone should attempt to get over their shyness. I did it. It was one of the worst growing experiences of my life, but I did it and I’m a better person for it. I still struggle with it on a daily basis. There are some days when I have to force myself simply to go to the grocery store. 

    What I object to is the outright assertion that a man who is shy is not a “real” man, yet nobody is saying that the shy woman is not a “real” woman.

    There are many different types of shyness. I know people who are outgoing and talkative in a group setting, but get them one on one and they clam up and start sweating. And vice-versa.

    Just because a person has some sort of social anxiety, it doesn’t make them any less of a person.

  4. SheaLuna says:

    Spot on Lina.  That’s great advice!  I gotta admit, when I’m baffled over male behaviour, I go straight to my guy friends.

    And just to clear things up, I do not think that because a person is shy, they are less of a person (male or female).  Not what I’m saying.  What I’m saying is that ANY person who can’t get off their butt and take ACTION to get what they want (instead of sending out creepy stalker vibes) really needs to grow a pair.  Especially when it comes to relationships.  In no way am I saying they are less of a person, but unless they want to lead a life half lived, they need to get their groove on.  And yeah, that’s a lesson I’ve had to learn myself.

    However I don’t think this guy is shy.  Not one bit. As Lina pointed out, he’s able to have perfectly normal relationships with other people, including many girlfriends.  Shy my patootie.

  5. Sara says:

    I think there’s something wrong with the situation, but even if there isn’t, is this guy really worth the effort?  I mean, women are famous for over-romanticizing the behavior of guys into what we want them to be.  Even if he’s harmless, this guy just plain doesn’t sound that special.  Sure, you could push through and start the initial contact, ask him for coffee, etc.  If he’s not willing to put himself out there a little bit, you’re going to be responsible for all the momentum in the relationship and somewhere, sometime, it’s going to get really tiresome.  And then you’ll wake up one day in a dead-end unfulfilling relationship thinking “How the hell did I get into this situation?”  You’ve done all the work.  Sounds like you already opened the door- by saying hi, etc.  But he didn’t walk through the door by following up.  What are you going to do, pursue him?  Why? 
    But for what it’s worth, it’s still pretty weird and odd.  And I am a parent of an Aspie and it doesn’t sound like Aspie behavior.

  6. Lil' Deviant says:

    And just to clear things up, I do not think that because a person is shy, they are less of a person (male or female).  Not what I’m saying.  What I’m saying is that ANY person who can’t get off their butt and take ACTION to get what they want (instead of sending out creepy stalker vibes) really needs to grow a pair.  Especially when it comes to relationships.  In no way am I saying they are less of a person, but unless they want to lead a life half lived, they need to get their groove on.  And yeah, that’s a lesson I’ve had to learn myself.

    I agree!!!  You can’t tell me something couldn’t have shaken loose enough to get beyond the whole creepy phase.

  7. Jody S says:

    Women are trained from birth to ignore their instincts when it comes to social interactions and to “be nice”. Don’t ignore yours.

    His staring is disturbing and lina, in particular, sums up his behaviors very well.

    Please be cautious.

  8. Kate Jones says:

    This is such an excellent example of how the Alpha Males we love on paper would be in serious need of restraining orders in real life.  As someone said above, this dude sounds like… Edward Cullen.  Or even my beloved Cadeon Woede. 

    If starer dude was on paper and had even slightly bigger balls, he might be swoon-worthy.  Too bad in real life he just comes off like a creep.

  9. AgTigress says:

    Another vote here for:
    (1) this man’s behaviour is bizarre, creepy and almost certainly an indication that you should give him a very wide berth indeed and
    (2) the excellent tactic of getting some male friends around you.

  10. Shy and Bewildered says:

    Wow! Many, many thanks to Smart Bitch Sarah and to all of you for your insightful comments. This has given me so much to think about. You know, it never occurred to me that he might be planning to keep me locked in his basement, but now that I think of it, I remember he was a horror film afficionado as a teenager… *nervous backward glance*

    More seriously, I’ve never got a stalkerish vibe from this guy… but it’s hard to tell whether this is only because he was (and is) good-looking, artistic and intriguing. If I hadn’t found him attractive, his attention would probably have made me uncomfortable long ago. I’ve been stalked before – albeit by a woman – so believe me, I have no desire to become the heroine of a Gothic romance! My interest in this was pretty much of an ordinary kind: I thought he was attractive, I was flattered by his attention, and hoped he might have a crush on me (yes, even now, after 10 years), but I found and keep on finding him impossible to interpret.

    In this guy’s defence, I must say that the “following around” happened in high school, and he never followed me home or anything (as far as I know). I just always saw him somewhere nearby at school, and sometimes in town, gazing on me. He doesn’t follow me around now, either; if anything, he tends to hurry away from me once we’re outside. He knows where I live, but I’ve never seen him in these parts. Also, I should point out that his are not exactly aggressive stares. It’s a bit hard to describe, but they’re intense without being in any way leering. And to clarify another thing, the laugh wasn’t really “manic” – just a nervous laugh in a strange context, that’s all! And I really do believe he’s basically shy. I mean, I don’t know what kind of moves he pulled on those girlfriends of his, but he was definitely quiet and retiring at school. (Although, he was in the habit of kissing those girlfriends in public a lot when I was watching. Back then I thought he might have been trying to make me jealous. Now I have no idea what to think…)

    Something has actually occurred since I sent the email above to SB Sarah: I “manned up” and went to talk to him. In fact – and this makes me cringe now that I read all your warnings! – I asked him for a ride to the bus station. He agreed happily and I told him how this was a bit awkward, us not talking when we went to the same school; he laughed and was very friendly and smiling. It was such a relief to me – he talks! he’s nice! we get along just fine! etc. But the next time around we were back to awkward glances, and when I went to talk to him again, he was very aloof – very Edward Cullen style, as someone said above. I felt rather offended and thought, well, that’s that. If he has anything more to say, let him approach me, and he hasn’t. But he hasn’t stopped looking at me, either, and by now I’m beginning to be rather annoyed by his behaviour. Not necessarily creeped-out annoyed, but “WTF do you want from me?” annoyed. He doesn’t seem to have any intention of ever approaching me or asking me out for coffee; and he doesn’t seem to be interested in befriending me either. In other words, this isn’t going anywhere and by now I’ve moved on from wishing for that to happen.

    Oh, it’s maddening! It’s so hard to tell how much of this is in my head. Fact one is that he keeps gazing at my face. Fact two is that he started it in high school, and I didn’t notice him at all before I spotted him doing it: in fact my friends were the ones to point it out for me, and even my mother once asked, “Who’s that boy staring at you with his beautiful eyes?” (Yes, I got the “cutting good-looking people more slack” gene from her, it seems.) Fact three is that when I look back at him less, he looks at me more. The power games and nuances could well be in my head… but, you know, I don’t find myself attractive so I’m always second-guessing any show of interest on a man’s part. (To the point that when a cute guy said hi to me once, I glanced behind me to see who he was talking to!) So I don’t think I’m imagining his intense interest. I just don’t know what that interest is for. I could understand a purely physical/visual fascination if I were breathtakingly beautiful, but I’m not. Or perhaps he does have a crush on me but has a girlfriend…

    See? Maddening. But it doesn’t look like I’m ever going to find out. I doubt I’ll be able to ignore him as long as he’s there, but thank goodness these classes will be over soon and he’ll go back to being a bewildering high school memory. As a lover of mysteries, I suppose I’ll always wonder why he keeps staring at me. Because he does – and I’m definitely not imagining that part. Even when I sit at the back of the classroom, he keeps glancing at the clock and, well, somehow mistaking me for it. Even though he could check the time from the computer screen in front of him.

    Well, this was a remarkably long-winded comment just to say thank you to you all! 😉

  11. If you read Greg Behrendt’s book: “He’s Just Not That Into You” I think you’ll find that this guy…. is just not that into you!

    If he was, he would find a way to talk to you and let you know that he was definitely interested.

    This isn’t a romance novel. This is real life and you need to ensure you are safe.

    To paraphrase from the book, try this: Write down 5 things that you look for or want in a man.

    Did “emotionally unavailable” make that list? Yeah. Didn’t think so. Because you’re like, far to classy and smart for that. Right?

    Bottom line: the guy in your life should make you feel happy. Are you happy? Or just plain disturbed by his behavior….

  12. AM says:

    “It’s so hard to tell how much of this is in my head.”

    It doesn’t really matter.  Really.  Women, especially, put a little too much stock into having “rational” emotions.  Emotions, granted, are not wholly to be trusted or acted upon immediately. 

    However, they vital sources of information, especially in repeated situations.  They have always told me of an untenable long term situation, long before the end came to pass.  And I always trust them when my physical safety is on the line.

    Regardless of intensions, shyness, or mental conditions, the dude has fallen officially into the creep zone.  Don’t be alone around him, make some other friend in class, and do your best to avoid him.  And get a beefy male friend, even if you have to hire him.

    And also, don’t squander too much life energy as to why he stares at you.  Crazy people do crazy things.  Sane people do crazy things.  Spending too much time figuring out why people do crazy things *will* make you crazy as well.  You need as much energy as possible figuring out how to deal with the crazy things.

  13. Nita says:

    He could have Asperger’s Syndrome, which is characterized by intensely focused (dare I say obsessive) attention to a few interests as well as a lack of ability to understand nonverbal language and cues.

    Yes, it could Asperger’s and one guy I know had it and ended up pushing the girl he was “in love” with in front of a moving train. I’m no Dear Abby or Dear SB Sarah, I watch enough Criminal Minds and CSI to know that he is seriously and for real crazy and creepy and he may be staring at her, not in infatuation, but figuring out if she’ll fit in the trunk of his car. I would hate to see her on the news.  Stay away from crazy man!  Carry mace, look down and walk fast!.

  14. oneflewtoofar says:

    why hasn’t she said hello yet. standing around waiting for him to talk to you might be ok for a 14 year old but come on she’s a grown up and can say either “Hi may name is ___, we went to high school together how are you?” or “Stop staring at me. Is there a problem?” but why is she dilly dallying? If he’s actually giving you the creeps (which I maintain you’d know by now, it has been 10 years) then tell him off, call the cops, get out of there. If you secretly like him take a cue from many romance heroines before you and say the rules be damned I’m making a move.

    mary

  15. Silverflame says:

    We can sit here and guess all day long why this guy is staring at you, but in the end you’re going to have to ask him what his deal is.
    Do you like him staring at you?  Are you attracted to him? 
    Put yourself in control of this situation and make a move—ask him what’s up with the staring, and if he pretends not to know what you’re talking about, you’ve got a creep on your hands. 
    I agree with all the other safety tips—make sure he doesn’t know where you live, and make a friend in class.  If you go out, meet at a public place.  But I think it’s about 50/50 as to whether he’s a creep, or has just had a long term crush on you and is so socially akward and scared that he can’t bring himself to talk to you.

  16. Silverflame says:

    PS If this were a romance novel, he wouldn’t be the hero because the hero would have had to act on his feelings for you by now.  The passion would just be too much to bear!

  17. Suze says:

    He’s artistic, and he keeps staring at you?  Maybe there’s something about your face he finds compelling.  Or something about you.  Did you publish anything in highschool (writing, drawing) that he would have known was yours?  Did you perform or dance or anything?

    Actually, the thing that popped into my head when I read your description was (forgive me, I can’t help myself) he’s your illegitimate half-brother by your father’s other wife, and he knows about there being two families but you don’t.

    It is a puzzlement.  If you DO happen to find out what the mystery is (being careful of your safety at all times), please let us know.

  18. willaful says:

    “I wonder if he stares at you because he thinks you are staring at him? It can happen. “

    I was thinking this same thing, because it’s happened to me. I got chewed out (and eventually fired) from a job as a teenager because my supervisor complained I was always staring at him. I thought he was always staring at me! And I was not remotely attracted to him; he made me very uncomfortable.

  19. Shy and Bewildered: Good for you, taking the initiative! (And I was about to point out that you never described any creepy feelings or intuitions in your original letter, so I wasn’t sure how “creepy” he actually was being.)

    I think you’ve resolved this nicely for yourself: Nothing is ever going to come of this, and it’s completely effing maddening not to know what his deal is. I’m sympathetic. I’m usually of the “put on your big girl pants & move on” variety but, like you, I would find this mystery impossible to resist. Oooo, so frustrating! God, those mysterious guys are like a plague on the mind!

    But talking to him was key. I always found it much easier to get over a crush/fascination if I actually spent a little time with the guy. *GRIN*

    I have nothing constructive to add, obviously. Just letting you know I get what you’re saying.

  20. Gathers Scrolls says:

    BBrrrrr!

    Google him. Then, Google your town to see how many women have gone missing in those intervening ten years.
    Honestly, this is reminding me of an early episode of Medium, where the lead character was having visions of a man murdering someone . . . five yeras down the road.

    In a word: RUN!

  21. micki says:

    It took me until I was 30 and had kids to finally grow a pair of ovaries and not put up with all this wishy-washy relationship stuff (both friendly female and the Guy Thing).

    If you guys are equally shy (which is possible—maybe his girlfriends in HS went after him, and he’s never really had to do his own chasing—(-: kind of like Miles Vorkosigan in Bujold’s wonderful space romance), then you are at an impasse. It’s true that he’s gone back to being aloof . . . but didn’t you, too?

    If you are waiting for Artistic Sensitive Guy to rent a horse and sweep you up, forget it. If you don’t want to do the work to find out if he’s worth pursuing, then forget it. Talk with someone else in class, don’t be cold, but don’t be overly encouraging.

    But, if you do decide to pursue it a little further, take the time to get to know him before you commit to anything. He might be worth the work, but really, at this point you have no idea Who He Is, and to be frank, he has no idea Who You Are either.

    A mini-high school reunion might be the ticket, if you want to get to know him better.

    Or, forget the real guy and pour out your frustrations into a book; it IS NaNoWriMo, after all, and he could be your muse (cue: tinkly little bells and fairy laughter).

    But running around in circles chasing your own what-ifs is probably not doing you much good. Good luck . . . (-: and I’m wondering how the story ends.

  22. Fairly shy but not bewildered says:

    Shy and Bewildered, you gave it your best shot and good for you.  That took courage.  You’re done.

    Googly Eyed Boy had ample opportunity to catch the ball and run with it.  He didn’t.  Move on.

  23. JaneyD says:

    Run away. You deserve better in your life than the Geico eyeballs.

    Shy girl—there is no confusion here. Listen to your instincts. You wouldn’t have written in unless you had doubts. The guy is a creep.

    More than 50 other women on this blog have said so.

    I’m adding my voice to theirs.

    Finish out your class and shed him. Such weird behavior might be acceptable in a socially inept H.S. student, but if he’s not been able to grow out of it in 10 years, then he never will.

    Can you imagine trying to explain Mr. Geico Eyes to any of your friends? If you think they’ll label him a creep like the people here, then accept it and move past him.

    I dated a “shy” creep once upon a time. he was a good kisser, I’ll have him that.

    But when he and I went out with a few of my friends two of my female pals grabbed me and asked what the hell was I thinking dating such an obvious weirdo.

    I didn’t have a good answer. Seeing him through their eyes clarified things, and I scraped him off my shoes, fast. Not before he gave me an “Indian burn” on my arm that night.  “Oh, stop moaning, it’s just horsing around,” he said. He’d treated me to a lot of not so subtle verbal abuse (Hey, I’m just joking!) and treating me like a mentally challenged child (Lighten up, I’m laughing with you, not at you).  Not funny.

    He put up a shy front, but once I saw what was underneath—! Yow.

    I agree about getting a lot of male friends. There’s plenty in the SF community I hang out in. 

    I know of one case where one of the ladies in my area of fandom was being stalked by an ex, and asked a male pal to come over a few times to “babysit” her and her kids when the ex got drunk and went prowling.

    Wouldn’t you know—she and the pal fell in love and got married, both have never been happier.  That’s just so damn sweet!

    If this was a romance novel, Mr. Geico Eyes would be the villain.

  24. Linz Hill says:

    Well, Shy and Bewildered, you certainly brought up a topic of interest to a lot of us!  It reminds me of the time I complained about a past boyfriend who seemed to be ‘romantic and brooding’ before I dated him – but as a boyfriend turned out to be ‘moody and sullen!’

    As long as your safety isn’t in jeopardy, it doesn’t really matter why he is staring at you.  You ‘manned up’ before he did and gave him every opportunity to ask you out if he was going to, so I’d take the time and energy expended on him and invest it in finding a guy who is better adjusted! Maybe he does find you attractive, but he’s got a wife or a girlfriend, so he won’t make a move. Maybe it IS something creepier. You got a whole passel of online safety advice – I particularly liked what Lisa had to say about asking him to coffee:

    Maybe have someone you trust elsewhere in the cafe, maybe make the invitation for just before class so there’s a time limit – AND someplace else where you are both expected.

    Now that you already talked with him, it’s a bit moot – but one of the things friendly online advice CAN’T do for you is eyeball him and provide an unbiased personal opinion.  I think it would be a great idea if you made buddies with other people in the class and asked if they noticed him, and what they thought of it – or had a friend (guy OR girl, as long as they have good people-sense) come with you or be nearby if you ever see him around outside of class.  A second eye-witness opinion is a great thing to have!

    There are a lot of nice guys out there who are shy but not staring and standoffish – it isn’t easy to put yourself out there and chat with them first, but just remember – ideally you only have to find Mr. Right once! Meeting a great guy will make the effort of coming out of your shell totally worthwhile. Get a friend to come with you to try a new hobby or a new coffee shop/bar/club, and practice striking up conversations with nice looking people – guys AND girls. You’ll get more self confidence, more people-sense, and maybe some new friends and a couple of dates!

  25. Freiya says:

    I’ve been reading this with some interest, particularily in light of Shy’s comments that she never got a ‘creepy stalker’ vibe from this guy and that people pointed his staring out to her long before she noticed it. The way she described his way of staring at her reminded me of (please don’t hate me!) the way that Charlotte describes Mr Darcy looking at Lizzy. I can’t remember the exact quote and don’t have a copy of the book with me (sadly) but I think it’s something like Mr Darcy often looked at her friend with an expression that indicated an “absence of mind”.
    DON’T HATE ME!!! I DO NOT THINK THIS MAN IS DARCY!!!!
    I just don’t think he’s a psycho killer either.
    You’ve spoken with him, taken the initiative, the ball is in his court. To be honest what Suze said (“he’s your illegitimate half-brother by your father’s other wife, and he knows about there being two families but you don’t.”) sounds more realistic to me.
    Good luck to you!

  26. micki says:

    It occurs to me that we really aren’t playing by the rules of the game, which is to provide life lessons through literary wisdom. Freiya brings up a great point about Darcy, and since I have been obsessing about Pride and Prejudice for the last six weeks, I can contribute on that score.

    First of all, even Elizabeth Bennett thought Darcy was a real weirdo.

    “Shall we ask him (Darcy) why a man of sense and education, and who has lived in the world, is ill qualified to recommend himself to strangers?”

    “I can answer your question,” said Fitzwilliam, “without applying to him. It is because he will not give himself the trouble.” (Janeites, you can join in the chorus here!)

    “I certainly have not the talent which some people possess,” said Darcy, “of conversing easily with those I have never seen before. I cannot catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their concerns, as I often see done.”

    “My fingers,” said Elizabeth, “do not move over this instrument in the masterly manner which I see so many women’s do. They have not the same force or rapidity, and do not produce the same expression. But then I have always supposed it to be my own fault—because I would not take the trouble of practising. It is not that I do not believe *my* fingers as capable as any other woman’s of superior execution.”

    Point the second: Elizabeth vets Darcy out pretty well—far better than she did for ol’ Wickham. By the time she reveals her feelings to him, she’s gotten the stamp of approval from his friends, his sister and even his housekeeper! She’s also consulted with her own friends and family on the matter. I’m not crazy about having to get married in order to survive economically, but there’s a few security items from those days which could be revived today.

    I’m sure there are other good quotes out there—Little Red Riding Hood seems to spring to mind. What about it? I think plenty of people have given some great real-life advice. What about the fictional truths, LOL?

  27. Leah says:

    Geico eyeballs.  That was perfect, Janeyd.

  28. Alex Ess says:

    Serial killer. He’s not necessarily going to chop your head off and keep it in a box, but he’s going to cut somebody’s head off and keep it in a box.

    Can you work with that? Serial killers sometimes have their up sides, and after he gets pulled over with a dead hitchhiker in his car you can write a book about him.

  29. Michelle says:

    I think people are blowing things way out of proportion. 10 years since the last time you saw him. Not 10 years of this behavior constantly. 

    I understand the having an attraction to someone and not doing anything about it. There’s a guy in my life who has always been a “what could have been”. We were friends and then around the age of 15 things changed. Looks got longer, conversations became more flirty. But for whatever reason (insecurity) neither of us ever had the guts to actually come out and say something. And then he started dating someone who made it CLEAR she was into him. And I started dating someone who made it CLEAR that he was into me. So we drifted. His girlfriend hated me and wanted nothing to do with me so that increased the distance. Our relationship became staring in the hallway and conversations only happened if we were in a group of people. This went on till we graduated.  Prom night we shared a hug and this intense long look that still makes me nervous when I think about it. And that was it. We went to different universities and our only contact was random Facebook wall posts once a year.
    Then about a year ago we met at a bar. We hugged and joked and laughed. And I got nervous butterflies in my stomach and couldn’t keep the smile off my face.  It was so FUN to feel that way again. A week later I learnt that he had broken up with his girlfriend (the same girlfriend from high school). A day or two after that he sent me a facebook message. Soon we fell into the same pattern as high school, joking and talking, ignoring the GIANT elephant in the room. And every time I meet a guy or say yes to coffee, he’ll send me a text or call to talk about something funny he saw on TV.  It’s confusing and annoying and I know I should say something… but what if it’s all in my head? What if I’m the only one with butterflies?

  30. anu says:

    It’s so timely for me to hear about the “what could’ve been” guys.  Recently, I did something about my “what could’ve been.”  He’s one of my brother’s closest friends, and I’ve known him for about four years.  I only saw him via my brother, and every time, I would get those damn butterflies, and it would take me a day or two to come down off the high of seeing him.  He was in a relationship the first two years that I knew him, so I put the feelings aside and decided they were in my head. 

    In any case, my brother had made it clear that he didn’t want his friends dating his sister.  I’m an older sister, btw, my brother’s an irrational idiot.  I knew it was a bit of an issue for him, so I avoided getting caught up in anything.

    Anyway, I lost touch with boy for about a year, during which his relationship ended.  He came back into my life over the summer.  I met up with him and my brother for coffee, and he asked me to get dinner with him afterward (we live close to each other).  First time that we spent time on our own.  We hung out fairly regularly for the next months, and every time, those butterflies. 

    I couldn’t hold back so I brought it up.  He practically swallowed his tongue, he was SO nervous about crossing the line with his best friend’s sister.  He managed to stutter out that he did feel something but that it’s a line he couldn’t ever cross because his friendship with my brother is too important.

    OK.  I left it at that.  We continued hanging out.  The looks between us got longer, there was definite flirting, and the chemistry was…really good.  Then one night, he brought me dead wildflowers.  He picked them while out biking.  He saw them, thought of me, and picked them for me.  By the time he got hold of me to tell me about them, they were dead, and he was super irritated about the whole thing.  I about fell on the floor, both because his reaction was so funny and because OMGHEDIDWHAT???!!!  I insisted he bring them over, dead or not. 

    When he did, I thanked him and said how sweet and what the fuck are you doing?  I tried to get him to see what his actions were telling me, how unfair it is to me what’s he doing.  It was like pulling teeth.  Finally FINALLY, he said it all out.  But again insisted that he couldn’t do anything because of my brother.  So I laid it all out too, told him that he was the first guy in years that had my attention, that I didn’t know what this could be, but I wanted to find out.  I didn’t think it was my brother’s business, especially when we didn’t even know how this would turn out.  I wanted to date, and eventually, if there was something to tell, we could tell my brother, and he’d just have to deal. 

    He says yes, let’s do this.  I’m flying high for the next 3 or 4 days.  We talk to each other on the regular, checking in with each other like a couple, I’m jazzed as hell.  Then he drops off the face of the earth, no email, no text, no phone.  I reach out, and his response is lukewarm.  Wtf??

    Finally, we talk and he says he can’t do it.  He’d been thinking about it, was torn about it, but couldn’t do something he felt was wrong.  I couldn’t argue this anymore.  What could I say that I hadn’t already?  So I said I understood and that I’ll see him around.  He got upset at the thought that we couldn’t be friends.  I was hesitant tho because my feelings are definitely involved, and I didn’t know if I could just be buddies.  But there’s something real here, I felt it, and I knew he felt it too.  I genuinely liked him, maybe even loved him, as a person.  Maybe we aren’t meant to be more than friends. 

    So I agreed, and I still don’t know what this means.  My friends are convinced he’s too lame for me, that he’s trying to have it both ways without fighting for any one thing, that I’m too easily giving him whatever he wants.  They’re probably right (I mean we’re not Romeo and Juliet for chrissakes), but I’ll just have to find that out in the long run.  If he ever asked me to try with him again, I’d say no, because I can’t trust him like that.  But I absolutely hate the idea of letting him leave my life. 

    I’ve been running my actions through my head, wondering if I could’ve done anything differently.  Should I have kept my mouth shut?  Should I have just thanked him for the flowers, bought him a beer, and said good night?  But if I had, I’d still be wondering.  At least now I know.  I mean it sucks, but at least I know where we stand, and I can work on moving past it.  Otherwise, I’d drive myself crazy dissecting his every word or action. 

    I’ve discovered through this experience that I can’t not know.  Not matter what, I have to say it, all of it, no matter the risk, no matter how much I expose myself.  If I didn’t, I would forever regret it.  And the way I’ve felt about this guy…it would be a goddamn shame to have that regret, to miss the experience of him looking at me with everything he feels/felt.  I do not want “could’ve been” guys.  I will always want to know.

  31. Elysa says:

    Shy and Bewildered,

    It’s really easy to tell when a guy is into you…he smiles at you.  What you are looking for is a big, cheesy, shit-eating grin.  Crinkly, sparkly eyes.  Sometimes a blush.  Heck, there’s a 48 year old guy that comes into my work and does all of the above plus the “aw shucks” ground kick sometimes.

    Another signal is if you can see the little boy they once were when they talk to you/smile at you.  Or if they start acting like a big floppy puppy dog.

    Go for the goofy ones—the ones that can’t keep their happiness in check.  They will be more likely to give you the affection and attention you deserve.

    Good luck to you!!!

  32. Beki says:

    Okay, my brief two cents here.  You are a grown woman, this is a man you haven’t thought about except in passing for lo these many years. Why bother with all the drama and trouble?  One, he may well be Ted Bundy and you just don’t need that, right?  Two, he might be an okay romantic candidate with a LOT of WORK and, come on, you don’t need that either, right?  I mean, you got some game.  Find a cool guy.  (Yes, even we shy gals can do it.)  And Three, even if you do go out and he kind of likes you and you end up together and “happy,” you’re always going to have that back drama of “why didn’t you ever talk to me in high school when you were going out with all those skanky girls,” etc, etc. 

    Basically, nothing good can come of it.  Keep your eyes on your own paper and keep an eye open for a man who’s really on your much, much higher level.

  33. Elysa says:

    What Beki said.

  34. Marie says:

    The peanut gallery here is saying CREEP loud and clear… I think you should take the hint.  Read The Gift of Fear, and embrace that feeling that something is off/weird/uncomfortable about another person and use it to stay safe!  Anyone who cared about you would realize that they were making you uncomfortable, and my theory is that he LIKES making you uncomfortable.  My advice is to make a firend—male OR female in the class, so you have someone to both watch your back and keep you distracted from him so you don’t waste your time obsessing!

    heard82… you’ve definitely heard at least 82 times that this guy is bad news.

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