And now for a slight change in pace: fantasy covers on the chopping block

It’s been a little while since we’ve done any cover snark, and how do we herald the return of this time-honored feature? With bad fantasy covers, of course. If there’s a genre blessed with even worse covers than romance novels, fantasy (especially sword-and-sorcery high fantasy) would be it, with science fiction hot on its effete elven heels. So put on your robe and wizard hat, and get ready to cast Level 8 Cock of the Infinite, as we present to you fantasy covers that could be made more awesome only by the presence of metal bras. (Alas, the bras, they are distinctly lacking. But God knows the cover artists threw just about everything else in here.)

image

Candy: This is what happens when you transport people in Accounts Payable circa 1986 to a Magic Land. Or would that be the Yamhill County Renn Faire? Whatever. What exactly are those two poor human schmucks going to do when the weird, fanged creatures attack them? Refuse to issue a purchase order? Get Human Resources to fuck up their paychecks? Spread catty rumors about what they REALLY did in the copy room with the VP’s wife during the last Christmas party? Terrify them with the power of their neatly-combed bangs?

Sarah: He’s all, “Watch me smack that purple head with my big stick while a unicorn flies sideways out my ass,” but she’s not watching because while she feels up that green dragon, he’s saving her life with his very special, very scaly big stick.

image

Candy: Holy crap! And we move from Accounts Receivable in the previous book to crappy exercise equipment infomercials. The dude is channeling the Powah of the Mullet to blast a muppet to smithereens. And is that woman nekkid? For real? Like, nipples and everything? And meanwhile, the bastard child of Kermit and Jabba screams in terror in the background.

Sarah: Wonder Twin powers, Activate! Form of… WTF!

image

Candy: That’s an amazing power, to be able to summon dragons from your staff and have them dive right back into your butt. Young magicians are so talented nowadays. And so unabashed about their steroid abuse.

Sarah: While the corpses of contestants past litter the ground around him, Dolph, with an effortless split accessorized by ass gas of fire, seals his victory on “So You Think You Can Dance: DragonCon Edition.”

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Leslie H says:

    Hahahahaha!

    You made my morning!

    The chick in the 2nd one is Elfira Queen of the Dominitrix

    The Chick in the first one is the hero’s buddy Dave who is wearing the “Virgin Gear” to attract the Dragon.

  2. 2
    Rene says:

    Re: the second one:

    When I go out to fight a hordes of jabba monsters, there’s nothing I like better than arming myself with a thong and a shoulder pad and nothing else.

    Also, both their mullets are magnificent.

  3. 3
    Rhonni says:

    What a perfect way to start my morning!

    Just where on the intarwebs did you find the magic of the “Level 8 Cock of the Infinite”??? I want some!

    As for the Yamhill County Ren Faire … they don’t have enough crap hanging from their waists for that to be their location. They must be coming from a Medieval Madrigal rehearsal.

  4. 4
    MamaNice says:

    Awesomely hilarious, hilariously awesome – as always.

    And a perturbed Miss Piggy is sayin, “Kermie…you have some ‘splainin to do.”

  5. 5
    DS says:

    This is the first cover snark you have done where I have read all of the contestants. 

    I found the 1st British edition cover of Blue Moon Rising on wikipedia:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_Moon_Rising_(novel)  The best thing I can say about it is that it doesn’t have the disco rainbow affect.

  6. 6
    Kalen Hughes says:

    Sarah: While the corpses of contestants past litter the ground around him, Dolph, with an effortless split accessorized by ass gas of fire, seals his victory on “So You Think You Can Dance: DragonCon Edition.”

    Further proof that I should not drink while reading this site. My nasal passages and my monitor curse you (but my diaphragm thanks you for the exercise).

  7. 7
    Peyton says:

    Not going to lie, I would pick the first book up based on the cover. What, I like rainbows! Those other covers though…

  8. 8
    ev says:

    I own all three of those. I don’t remember the covers on them though. Now I will have to go dig them out.

    Simon R. Greens books are as weird as the covers so it is fitting. Probably why I like them so much.

    I love the descriptions, which is why you guys write and I read.

  9. 9
    Jen says:

    I read the first one ages ago (one of those Columbia House-type “buy 1 fantasy novel, get 6 free!” deals), and I remember being distracted through the entire story by the picture of that woman on the cover. I think she was supposed to be beautiful… but it’s hard to believe that when she is so obviously a man in drag. And an unattactive man, at that.

  10. 10

    What with the jazz hands that guy is pulling and the barely clothed woman, the second cover reminds me of the “Satan’s Alley” performance portion of Staying Alive.

  11. 11
    ghn says:

    AAh … Fantasy and SF art. That can go into truly awesomely abyssal depths of badness. Covers featuring squidlike creatures feeling up scantily clad pneumatic beauties, threatened by square-jawed hero-type with ray-gun or sword come to mind.

    And for those who like those brass bikinis, the art of Boris Vallejo and Frank Frazetta springs to mind. Though the latter would sometimes skip the top, and have the females in his pictures wear only a microscopic brass thong.

    But can you imagine wearing something like that?? Cold, uncomfortable – and just imagine the blisters you would get!!

  12. 12
    M— says:

    I actually, um, have Blood and Honor here. At my desk. At work. I can definitively state that the woman is not naked, but is wearing a gold breastplate with an unfortunate swirly design. And also high-cut bottoms. The bottoms are embellished with tiny green tassels, which rather makes the costume even worse.

    Those two authors are particularly awesome, and I own those other books as well. At least the content, if not the covers, of Blue Moon Rising and Dragon Blood is excellent.

  13. 13
    Popin says:

    The Hippo alien creature looks like he’s enjoying his time with the almost naked lady’s leg, in the second cover. At least he has the decency to look at her eyes while doing it, instead of her weird breasts.

    ~ Popin

  14. 14
    PK says:

    Forgive me if this comes out all crazy because I can barely see for the tears streaming down my face.  It all started with my terror of neatly-combed bangs (if anything says serial killer or not so secret dominatrix, it’s those babies) and ended with the furious howling at the Dragon Con edition of So You Think You Can Dance.

    Awesome!

  15. 15

    Great snark, as always!  And I too thought that lady was naked!

  16. 16
    Star Opal says:

    This:

    she’s not watching because while she feels up that green dragon, he’s saving her life with his very special, very scaly big stick.

    and this:

    While the corpses of contestants past litter the ground around him, Dolph, with an effortless split accessorized by ass gas of fire, seals his victory on “So You Think You Can Dance: DragonCon Edition.”

    are just magical (see what I did there?).

    In the second cover: Her eyeline doesn’t look like it’s on the alien humping her, and if she’s pulling that far back to swing that sword at him she’s going to take off her leg. Maybe she likes being humped by the alien, or at least is all “Ho hum.”

    Kermie the Hutt reminded me of Ghostbusters’ Slimer.

  17. 17
    Kate Pearce says:

    I’m actually quite taken by the third one-the guy reminds me of Lion-O from Thundercats.

  18. 18
    Diatryma says:

    Oh, we get worse.  Look at Baen covers—SF, but oh, Baen, such a reputation.  Bujold tends to get really lousy ones, perhaps because they’ve published so many.

  19. 19

    Bastard child of Kermit and Jabba!  I’m crying over that one.  He also looks like Slimer from Ghostbusters.

  20. 20
    Tina C. says:

    And meanwhile, the bastard child of Kermit and Jabba screams in terror in the background.

    In his defense, the mullet is truly terrifying, though not quite as much as his sleeves.

    While the corpses of contestants past litter the ground around him, Dolph, with an effortless split accessorized by ass gas of fire, seals his victory on “So You Think You Can Dance: DragonCon Edition.”

    Meanwhile, with a slight smile, the choreographer, Mia Michaels accepts her usual tongue-bath from the other judges, insults the dancers, and counts the moments until she can go home and polish her Emmy.

    Seriously, for once I’ve read all these books and they are all awesome!  In fact, I think I recommended you read that first one, Sarah, because it’s the prince/hero with the unicorn and the dragon desperately wants the princess/heroine taken off his hands and out of his cave so he can enjoy his butterfly collection in peace.  (And, along with the laugh-out-loud fun, you get a pretty rippin’ adventure and a bit of romance.)  Despite the cover, it really is just a great read.

  21. 21
    JoanneL says:

    That cover of Blood and Honor gives a whole new meaning to stick up your ass

    Thank you ladies!

  22. 22
    Laurel says:

    The first cover really hits all the high points. Medieval clothing, swords, a dragon AND a unicorn. Also, I’m pretty sure I had a blacklight poster just like it that I bought at Spencer’s when I was thirteen.

    As for the Kermit/Jabba, I immediately thought of Chad in Weird Science.

  23. 23
    Chrissy says:

    Um.  Not to be gross, but Captain Disco Dragonslayer appears to be preparing to insert his fist into the back passage of the dude who appears to have fallen at his feet.

    EEEP.

    word: plant74

    I’m not thinking about that…

  24. 24
    Anne says:

    On the first one, I was all:

    Her:  Gads! Thou believst they unicorn-out-the-ass move is impressive?  Observe the dragon of fire that emerged full-grown from my head.  See how its burning fire ignites the methane in the air?  No more cowboy beans for breakfast, churl!

  25. 25
    sunna says:

    Hey now, I see nothing, I say NOTHING WRONG with occasionally popping open a can of whupass on a rabid mutant slug-thing while having a nudie.

    I’ll give you the mullet, though. My hair actually rearranged itself into a bowl cut just looking at that thing.

  26. 26
    SonomaLass says:

    Sigh.  This is why I feel so at home here.  Thanks.

  27. 27
    Cherrie Lynn says:

    As for the Kermit/Jabba, I immediately thought of Chad in Weird Science.

    I was just about to say the same thing: it’s the talking pile of crap from Weird Science! “That’s nasty, Wyatt.”

  28. 28
    Elise Logan says:

    I love me some cover snark.

    Though I did wonder, in the third one, how Conan the Barbarian managed to get a Staff of WTF for that cover.

  29. 29

    The ‘woman’ on the first cover is suspiciously butch looking – and her ‘boobs’ look more like pectorals, if you know what I mean.

    Cover 2 is obviously the rejected version from ‘Shrek 10: the Dominatrix’

  30. 30

    I just stopped by to wave and wound up laughing until I hurt myself. Is it any wonder I love you all?! You all are a mess! B

Comments are closed.

↑ Back to Top