Crimes Against Photoshop

Sometimes we caption a cover. Sometimes, Candy and I commit acts of random snark on a particularly bizarre romance cover.

And sometimes, I can’t figure out what the hell is going on in a cover, and I have to turn to you able folks.

Jennie forwarded me this image, and let the following words warn you as to what you are about to behold:

Dara Joy is re-releasing “That Familiar Touch” in e-book form, with a new cover.

One might think that nothing on the planet of Photoshop could possibly improve this cover, right?

But no, there’s more. A new cover. From Dara Joy. Ponder that a moment.

Done? You ready? I don’t think anyone is ever really prepared for this type of imagery, but ok. Go ahead.

 

image

What in the name of nipples is going on there? Clearly this story is about an oddly-tanned man who shields his manjunk from a shimmying assault from the three-quarters of a vacant-eyed harem dancer growing out of his abdomen. Right? RIGHT?!

If the cover tempts you beyond reason (really, beyond reason, because no amount of reasoning can make sense of it), you can buy it for $8.95 from Joy directly.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be at the eyebleach station.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    JenD says:

    Woah!

    Starting with Swamp Thing was good enough for me. Yet, as a lucky reader of SBTB, I also get ‘Imma Birth You Woman’ for a low low price!

    Thanks SB’s!

  2. 2
    rebyj says:

    What’s he gonna touch? How can he get familiar?? She has no lady parts!!!  Bad cover , proportions are such that she appears to be the size of a preteen, with no bottom half.  She has no trunk in which to put his junk. At least she doesn’t have to worry about him pressuring her for the buttsecks LOL.

  3. 3
    Caroline says:

    You know, I’m willing to design her a cover FOR FREE, just so my retinas will never be assaulted this way again. Sheesh.

  4. 4
    Anne Douglas says:

    It’s like drunk driving – just because you have a car it doesn’t mean you know how operate it while intoxicated. The same concept should apply to photoshop.

    Just because you own a copy of photoshop does not mean you should use it.

  5. 5
    SarahT says:

    Umm…correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t Dara Joy the lady who ripped off her customers a few years back? Why would anyone contemplate buying a book from her again?

    And, yes, the cover is hideous.

  6. 6
    Amy says:

    It looks like a man holding either a belly-dancer lamp or a matrushka doll to cover his nakedness when caught unawares. V. sexy.

  7. 7
    mamaphoenix says:

    This is the most repellent cover I’ve seen in a while.  It is not ‘artistic’ it is a horrific maiming of several artistic styles.  Did her copy of Photoshop explode? I’m sure her scanner did.  On top of that, I have the suspicion that the reason for the ‘collage’ effect was some ‘borrowed’ photographs?

  8. 8
    Maria says:

    Our eyes!

    It burns us.

  9. 9
    HeatherK says:

    Looks like someone bought the “Bride of Frankenstein” kit—from a yard sale and some of the parts were missing. And the first dude looks like he’s wearing a wig that was soaked in radioactive material. “Look ma, I glow in the dark now!”

    Pass the bleach, please.

  10. 10

    The scary thing is that these covers aren’t well done enough to appear on this site: http://photoshopdisasters.blogspot.com/

  11. 11
    Lolita Lopez says:

    Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.

  12. 12
    ann marie says:

    I agree with Caroline.  They should have stopped at the first cover and just re-released with a different hair color.  Pass me the bleach.

  13. 13
    romantic@heart says:

    Oh, you people with your high expectations. It’s not really bad … if one wanted a good laugh. And ROTFLMAO I did! What a glorious spectacle to behold first thing in the morning. Excuse me while I continue to stare and giggle.

  14. 14
    JoanneL says:

    Is that a cave entrance in her neck?

    On a positive(?) note: I like his lipstick shade better than hers.

    um, thank you, I think.

  15. 15
    ev says:

    Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.

    Bwaaahhhh. Charlie Foxtrot works too.

    Definately a case of the cover keeping me from even picking this up much less buying it.

    it’s too early in the morning for this kind of horror…..

  16. 16
    MamaNice says:

    Ah, I was missing me some snark…thank you!

    When I saw the 1st, I was so happy – because now I know what Bret Michaels keeps under that Bandanna!

    That 2nd one…oh, to be so lucky to have such awfulness with which to start my day.

    It appears to me that the man who had Bo Derek’s head pasted to his body has a horrible medical condition in which his man parts have morphed into a bitty belly dancer. It’s quite tragic, really…and he goes to support group where other men who suffer similar issues get together to cry and laugh and be free. It’s where he met his two best buddies: Mr. Crotch Has a Cactus Growing Out of It and Mr. Team of Wild Stallions is Parading Out of My Pants. They are thinking of starting a band.

  17. 17
    Laura (in PA) says:

    Holy crap.

  18. 18
    Marna says:

    Gah! Shades of pedophilia there!

    Perhaps the artist has recently discovered the joys of bad midget porn? I mean, really, this looks like the covers of some of those skeevy movies they hide behind a curtain at the back of the video store. Or so I’ve heard. >.>

  19. 19
    theMuse says:

    LOL your snark delights me :-D truly that is a crime against photoshop.

    Jebus my eyes hurt now.  Plus, mind you, the book is terrible as well.  She really had alot of talent but once she hit the ebook scene it seems to have gone way downhill!

  20. 20
    Cathy says:

    What the hell happened to that woman’s left arm?  And why is Cher’s head pasted onto some legless woman’s body? 

    I enjoyed Dara Joy’s books when I was in college, but now I just pay attention to her for the trainwreck.  It’s sad, really.

    Spamword: cent36—I wouldn’t pay 36 cents for this book.

  21. 21
    Silver James says:

    Ow. Just. Ow.

    Oscar. Mike. Gulf. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. Bravo. Bravo. Quebec.

    Ev, Charlie Foxtrot for damn sure!

    Spam word: game73 NO! I am NOT game for 73 more of these covers…at least not while taking a drink of coffee….

  22. 22
    Mireya says:

    Why is the man (if that is a man) wearing pink lipstick and cornrows?

  23. 23
    Chicklet says:

    Oscar. Mike. Gulf. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. Bravo. Bravo. Quebec.

    I need to put that on a t-shirt! *runs to CafePress*

  24. 24

    I’m next up for the eye bleach.  Euuwwww!

  25. 25
    Grace says:

    Maybe the cover is advertising the book as a comedy….

  26. 26
    Jane says:

    She is the junk in his trunk to riff off of rebjy.  Is this some new fangled paranormal story?

  27. 27
    Karla says:

    That is just heinous on so many levels, and makes some of the crappy photoshop jobs of Lord of the Rings porn look like Michelangelo. The Theban Band’s stuff is gorgeous in comparison to this shite!

    I mean, the first one is bad bad bad, but the second…the guy is hugging a tiny Angelina Jolie Sims FFS.

    Spam word: across95. Yes, I WOULD rather walk across I-95 than have to look at these covers again.

  28. 28
    Ciar Cullen says:

    Can’t stop laughing at the comments and people are coming to check on me in my office. Especially this: “It looks like a man holding either a belly-dancer lamp or a matrushka doll to cover his nakedness when caught unawares.”

    Oh God. I am really crying. Laughing. 

    The first guy? Speechless.

  29. 29

    This must be a paranormal book—what they’re attempting to depict is ectoplasm, which was produced by experienced mediums of the Victorian age. Sometimes entire unformed bodies would emanate from the mediums’, complete with hair and fingernails, sort of like ovarian cysts.

    And there’s nothing more lovely than THAT.

    I know why his “touch” is so familiar to himself.  It’s the only one he’s had, or can possibly hope to ever get.

  30. 30

    I’ve managed to come up with enough words to write three novels.

    But for these covers? NO WORDS. NONE.

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