There are naked guy covers, and there are headless naked guy covers, and then there are headless naked guy covers where the only thought going through the designer’s head was something along the lines of, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU WANTED SUBTLE?” There are some covers with prominent castle turrets and some with very oddly-placed Ionic columns, and some with blatantly phallic masts turgidly sinking beneath the swelling warm waters of the turbulent ocean… but more often than not, it’s a big, throbbing sword standing in for his big throbbing sword.
Atlantis Unleashed is one of the latter.
This was slightly distressing to Alyssa Day, who, as she told me, is very proud of this book (And I quote, “it’s quite possibly the most emotional, action-packed, and best novel I’ve ever written,”) and as a result, is somewhat dismayed to have to direct shoppers to The Penis Sword Book.
But it’s not like she can hide it, so she’s owning the glory that is PENIS SWORD MAN. As she said, “…a bunch of reviewers and advance readers are saying hella good things about it, even the guys like SciFiGuy who read it in SPITE of the cover, so why not revel in the joy that is a giant, gleaming, Penis Sword?” Because, holy shit, this is a big ass sword.
It’s time for Caption That Cover!
With Alyssa’s blessing, give her book a caption in the comments, and the top five will win an autographed copy of Atlantis Unleashed.
My suggestions:
“If you say its name, it’ll burst into flame. No, that’s a good thing.”
“Wanna parry my thrust?”
You have 24 hours, so let’s make scabbard jokes! Ahoy!
Oh God, I don’t even want to be clever I feel like everyone who has already posted did it SO cleverly! It brought tears to my eyes.
Bonnie Ferguson FTW!
Speaking of earworms, this topic has put Jane Child’s “Don’t Wanna Fall in Love” in my head. You know how thw chorus goes:
“I don’t wanna fall in love, no no
Love cuts just like a knife, woo woo
You make the knife feel good, baby
I’ll fight you to the end”
Medieval pickup line – “I’ll bet you have a place where I can sheathe my sword.”
“Comedy in book covers can be such a double-edged sword.”
“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons!”
“Yeah, the penis/sword picture is hot but I bought it cause I like the story.”
“Why is it that women never look me in the eyes when we’re talking?”
I wish I could be more original but here I go…
“Actually, there WAS a sword in my pocket, see?”
“One thing’s for sure, riding a horse is a bitch.”
“Yeah, they do call me tripod. How did you know?”
“You should see my sister!”
“Don’t look at me like that! You did it. Hey! Where you going? Damn, lost another one.”
I could go on…
“Betcha you didn’t know it vibrates, too!”
“Perfect for the most stubborn of hymens.”
“With this, the shiniest of shiny swords, my mullet will never be unkempt!”
“Keely…meet Steely.”
“My arm didn’t get this muscled from swordplay alone, nuh uh. I’ve been working on my *stamina*.”
“I’ll have you know, madam, that this bright and shining sword is *not* a penile reference. You do me great unjustice….The tattoo, however, is a reference to my magical balls.”
“As long as you don’t stare directly at it, you won’t go blind.”
“Rippling abs of steel to match his steel of pleasure.”
“Only Justice’s mighty sword could give Keely the stabbing ecstasy she needed.”
“Who needs glow-in-the-dark condoms?”