Hunt for Heaving Bosoms

BosomsNow that we’re less than two weeks away from release date – although I have word that some lucky folks have received shipment notifications already – it seems we have a strange problem. No, we’re not being sued by a organizations made up of disgruntled heroic archetypes – thank God.

It seems our book will be a bit hard to find, like a red-breasted titty in the underbrush, or a Dodo bird in a cavernous grotto. How come? Well, unless you ordered it or requested it, it may not be in your local bookstore, given the order figures I’ve heard for nonfiction titles in general and our book in particular. If you were counting on a chance to sample the plumage and fondle the potential, alas, the Heaving Bosoms may not be nearby.

What’s more, we don’t have a solid idea where it’ll be shelved. Our attempts to determine it’s natural bookstore habitat have been stymied. It’s about romance novels… but it’s non-fiction. It’s categorized as Women’s Studies/Humor … but it says “Humor” on the back cover. It has literary analysis… and Choose Your Own Man-Titty romance adventures. And coloring book pages.

Hell, consider this bit of hilarity, discovered by Hubby while out hunting for Bosom sightings.

Movements and periods? Hot damn!

So what does this mean? It means we can welcome a Proposed Listing from US Fish and Wildlife Service detailing why our book should be a candidate for listing as an “endangered species,” excerpted below:

Endangered and Threatened Wildlife and Plants; 12-Month Petition Finding and Proposed Rule to List Beyond Heaving Bosoms as Endangered Throughout its Range

Summary: We, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service (Service), announce a 12-month finding on a petition to list the Smart Bitch Book (Beyond Heaving Bosoms: The Smart Bitches’ Guide to Romance Novels) as endangered with critical habitat under the Endangered Species Act of 1973, as amended (Act). After review of all available scientific and commercial information, we find that listing the Smart Bitch Book as an endangered species under the Act is warranted. Accordingly, we herein propose to list the Smart Bitch Book as endangered throughout its range pursuant to the Act. This proposed rule, if made final, would extend the Act’s protections to this species. Critical habitat for the Smart Bitch Book is not determinable at this time. The Service seeks data and comments from the public on this proposed listing rule.

Taxonomy and Evolution
Scientists have had difficulty classifying the Smart Bitch Book, describing it variously as a history and evolution of the romance genre, a humorous study on popular women’s literature, and a literary analysis with strong parodic fictional elements. It is generally considered non-fiction, since its primary focus is a treatment of the modern romance novel, but genetic and word distribution analyses have definitively proven that the book contains sufficient scenes depicting sexual activity and enough euphemisms for genitalia to rival any Virginia Henley novel. Evolutionarily, it has its roots in the authors’ website, which in turn was a product of their love of and exasperation with the romance genre, as well as a penchant for mocking oiled, over-developed male pectorals and enjambing profanity with animal names. This evolutionary origin has caused certain taxonomists to propose that the Smart Bitch Book might well be classified as a “blog book,” which would disqualify the book for listing, falling as it would under the exception made for noxious animals constituting a pest under the Act. There is enough doubt about the classification, however, that would allow the Smart Bitch Book to survive that challenge. This taxonomic confusion has ultimately led to doubt as to where to shelve the Smart Bitch Book, the repercussions of which we will discuss in more detail in the Summary of Factors Affecting the Book below. All of this is complicated by the fact that the book, like most, has two-stage habitat location: its intermediate habitat is a bookstore, but it can only thrive in its ultimate habitat, the shelves of libraries and bookreaders.

Summary of Factors Affecting the Smart Bitch Book
Due to a number of unavoidable factors, initial orders of the book have been very low, causing a population plunge. Chief among the reasons for this is the cooling economic climate, which has caused massive freezes in book orders in stores, as well as in the discretionary spending for books among consumers, critically important sources of both forms of book habitat. The fact that the book is classified as non-fiction has been especially detrimental to the book’s range, and the lack of clarity as to exactly which category of non-fiction it belongs to has led to even more dangerous (possibly even fatal) habitat fragmentation and degradation. If the book cannot be found in its expected niches in a bookstore, it will suffer increased difficulty in re-locating to its ultimate habitat; a negative feedback loop between the economic climate, the intermediate habitat and the ultimate habitat is therefore a distinct possibility.

Because our book may be difficult to find throughout all or a significant portion of its range, it’s definitely time for critical attention.

And it means – time for a contest! The Hunt for Heaving Bosoms!

The first person to hunt down the Bosoms in the wild and document with photographic evidence the book and its shelving location, plus the bookstore, city and state where it was found, will win a $100 gift certificate to the bookstore of your choice.

Send your photo to – we’ll post the winner here.

Wait, you say. I ordered online! Sweet, says us. Did you (GASP) receive word it already shipped? WOOHOO! You’re in luck – no need to smuggle your copy into a bookstore.

We’re also looking for photographs of the Bosoms in any and all locations, from your kitchen counter to riding the back of a dromedary in the desert (sheikh tycoon billionaire optional). We’ll feature the pictures of Bosoms in the Wild and the best pics from the Bosom Hunting Gallery O’Awesome will win a prize from our Collection o’ Awesome.

What’s in the Collection O’Awesome? A brief list: leather bound journal, BICHOK magnets, iPod Shuffle, gift certificates to bookstores, ebooks, and other stuff, too.

Picture ideas? Sure! Weird location? In the arms of David Hasselhoff? On the back of a Harley? Being read by a guy on a Harley? Read on the back of a Harley by a guy named Harley? Or a girl? Named Davidson? We’re open – bring it on. Best picture sent in by 20 April will win a big honking prize (to be determined). (No really, we’re still shopping. Got a suggestion?)

Photographic evidence is crucial, because we’re pretty sure the Bosoms will be hard to find, especially if you aren’t sure where to look. In order to increase your chances of spotting the Bosoms in the bookstore so you can have an opportunity to examine them first hand, keep track of where the Bosoms have been seen and look there. But if you’re really looking forward to holding Bosoms in your hands and sampling the fun and frivolity, your best bet is to ask your bookstore or library to stock it, and grab your camera to document the evidence.

Let the games begin. Happy Bosoms Hunting!


General Bitching...

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    darlynne says:

    Hmmm. Borders says the book will be available only on-line. B&N says they’re out of stock, which may be the same as not in yet. The plot thickens and the Bitchery is on the case.

  2. 2
    Jaci Burton says:

    I just so happen to have a guy…and a Harley.

    Now to find BHB……. ;-)

  3. 3
    Gemma says:

    Items not yet dispatched: Delivery estimate: 21 April 2009 – 27 April 2009


  4. 4
    azteclady says:

    I cry foul, Ms Burton is cheating! [she has all the props already as part of her professional stash, no fair!]

    *off to call the nearest Borders*

    catcha: ball43. Got the age, but *checking* no balls here.

  5. 5
    she reads says:

    This is a sore subject as I pre-ordered… yet it hasn’t even billed my CC yet! In fact, Mine still says ‘will ship around april 20’ but it’s showing on amazon as in stock. What is up amazon???

  6. 6
    Angela James says:

    I got a shipping confirmation for my copies today! Which is whoo awesome except…I’m going to be out of town for the next two weeks. Damn Amazon. Talk about timing!

  7. 7
    she reads says:

    alright so mine hasn’t charged credit card or anything, and I know based on more past purchases than I care to mention that it means at best middle of next week for ship… so I canceled and re-ordered. Now it says shipping by Tuesday. :)

    I don’t wanna be the last girl on the playground to have it- now off to stalk mail carrier!!!

  8. 8
    ev says:

    My Heaving Bosoms has been shipped according to Amazon!!


  9. 9
    Gail says:

    I know a guy named Harley Davis—is that close enough?

    Need to place order.

  10. 10
    Rachel R. says:

    B&N should have it shelved in Literary Criticism.  (For anyone who was curious.)

  11. 11
    Jaci Burton says:

    Azteclady – neener neener ;-)

  12. 12
    JoanneLo says:

    Borders. com has a feature called YOU MAY ALSO LIKE. When you order a book a list of other titles appear. One of the titles that Beyond Heaving Bosoms brought was Eyes of Fire by C. J. England—Description: An ancient prophecy comes to life in an erotic tale of forbidden love………..blah, blah, blah………And their passion could be the answer to an ancient prophecy that saves his world.

    So BHB is in the Saving The World section.

  13. 13
    SonomaLass says:

    I received my shipping notification from Amazon yesterday, and squeeed about it all over the place.  Of course who knows when it will actually get here—they usually ar pretty good with books (UNLIKE OTHER STUFF) about getting new releases here on the release date.  I’m hoping the USPS is super efficient and it arrives early!

    I didn’t ask my local Borders, B&N or indy to stock it, b/c I had already ordered it online (like, the day you could first do that).  I will stalk them, however, in case someone else did!

  14. 14
    sara says:

    I seem to recall that the big-ass Nora Roberts Concordance, er, Companion, written by some fans, was shelved with her romances in Barnes & Noble, even though it wasn’t fiction. I think the Bosoms should be shelved in romance, under B for Bitches. I have been very productive today, so I’m going to wander myself and my credit card over to Amazon and BUY ME A BOOK. Whee!

  15. 15
    Robin says:

    Alas, The Book has not yet arrived at Hastings, the only bookstore in lovely Enid, OK. (I was shocked they were even going to be getting it, to be honest. The look on the face of the clerk who looked it up for me with the ISBN was priceless as he snorted, looked me in the chest and asked “Uh…is it heaving bosoms you’re looking for?”)

    My order at BooksAMillion (hey, they aren’t Amazon and I get free Millionaire Club Membership and an additional 10% off since I am a military spouse) said it would ship out to me in less than 24 hours, though, so they are filling orders. (And while I was there I picked up a few other books, too – including the new Ilona Andrews Kate Daniels book I have been anxiously waiting for.) Oh, happy day!

  16. 16

    What did I say about the Bitches and Marty Stouffer?

  17. 17
    Delia says:

    The copy I requested for my library is being listed as Adult Nonfiction and I think it’ll probably be put in the 820s, somewhere near WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN HARRY POTTER BOOK SEVEN OMGZ (of which we have three copies, wth?).

  18. 18

    I’ve just ordered a copy for me through The Book Depository in the UK – they say it ‘usually ships in 48 hours’.

    (Hint for non-Americans – Book Depository ships free to most places in the world, making their prices better than Amazon usually. And they’re fast.)

  19. 19
    Teddypig says:

    Amazon emailed me they are sending my copy.

  20. 20
    Lorelie says:

    Mine’s shipped.  Neener-neener.

    Now as to picture ideas. . . .

  21. 21
    De says:

    I do the nonfiction book ordering for my library and I shamelessly abused the power to order BHB.  Which will actually make the book available to pretty much everyone in the greater Las Vegas area.

  22. 22
    azteclady says:

    Borders has it listed under romance and my local store has already a few coming—they are calling me the moment it lands (or so they promised, I’ll stalk, just in case)

    And I will find a way to beat Ms Burton! *shaking fist self righteously*

  23. 23
    AgTigress says:

    I would have thought that the category would be Lit.crit.  Admittedly, the trail-blazing 1992 volume on the romance genre edited by Jayne Krentz, Dangerous Men and Aventurous Women, was sometimes to be found amongst her novels on the ‘romance’ shelves, but I always assumed that that was a mistake:  it is Lit.crit too.

    I suspect I won’t find Bosoms anywhere here, so it will have to be Amazon or nothing.  It’s unfair to authors (and potential readers), after all the effort of researching and writing a book, when the publishers don’t do enough to market and distribute it effectively.

  24. 24
    Bonnie says:

    Just ordered my copy through Amazon.  What fun!

  25. 25
    'col says:

    Indigo and Chapters stores in Canada will be shelving it in the women’s studies section, assuming they get it in…I know it’s coming in at my store, because I made big eyes at the people who order copies.

  26. 26
    Carin says:

    I looked it up to buy on (nice price there!) and laughed at the “Frequently Bought Together” Deal.  People buying Heaving Bosoms also buy “What a Scoundrel Wants”  And really, what does a scoundrel want more than heaving bosoms?

  27. 27
    Candy says:

    I’ve just found out that when I search for Beyond Heaving Bosoms on Amazon, that the second hit for the title is Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. This delights me no end. Also, when I search my name, the second hit is Candy Man, and the third is The Man with Candy, about a serial killer and pedophile. HOTTT!

  28. 28
    she reads says:

    so I got a ship notice that the copy I ordered a few hours ago from amazon is shipping!

    I have no hope for my 1 local store. They barely have a selection of romances. Perhaps we can talk Target and Costco into buying in? I’d love to see Heaving Bosoms in Costco…

  29. 29
    darlynne says:

    To Bronwyn Parry: Thank you for the tip about Book Depository! I’m signing my credit card over to them now. What a great place.

  30. 30

    Darlynne, they already have my credit card. Although I do like to support my (small) local book store, when it comes to ordering stuff in, I buy through Book Depository instead. Quicker, cheaper, and far simpler. They don’t have everything Amazon has, but they have a good range – and the books that count, like a certain Smart Bitch book.

    (And they’ll have my book when it comes out in September in the UK. Yes, that was a piece of shameless self-promotion. My US friends will be able to buy it through Book Depository :-)  )

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