Now that we’re less than two weeks away from release date – although I have word that some lucky folks have received shipment notifications already – it seems we have a strange problem. No, we’re not being sued by a organizations made up of disgruntled heroic archetypes – thank God.
It seems our book will be a bit hard to find, like a red-breasted titty in the underbrush, or a Dodo bird in a cavernous grotto. How come? Well, unless you ordered it or requested it, it may not be in your local bookstore, given the order figures I’ve heard for nonfiction titles in general and our book in particular. If you were counting on a chance to sample the plumage and fondle the potential, alas, the Heaving Bosoms may not be nearby.
What’s more, we don’t have a solid idea where it’ll be shelved. Our attempts to determine it’s natural bookstore habitat have been stymied. It’s about romance novels… but it’s non-fiction. It’s categorized as Women’s Studies/Humor … but it says “Humor” on the back cover. It has literary analysis… and Choose Your Own Man-Titty romance adventures. And coloring book pages.
Hell, consider this bit of hilarity, discovered by Hubby while out hunting for Bosom sightings.
Movements and periods? Hot damn!
So what does this mean? It means we can welcome a Proposed Listing from US Fish and Wildlife Service detailing why our book should be a candidate for listing as an “endangered species,” excerpted below:
Endangered and Threatened Wildlife and Plants; 12-Month Petition Finding and Proposed Rule to List Beyond Heaving Bosoms as Endangered Throughout its Range
Summary: We, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service (Service), announce a 12-month finding on a petition to list the Smart Bitch Book (Beyond Heaving Bosoms: The Smart Bitches’ Guide to Romance Novels) as endangered with critical habitat under the Endangered Species Act of 1973, as amended (Act). After review of all available scientific and commercial information, we find that listing the Smart Bitch Book as an endangered species under the Act is warranted. Accordingly, we herein propose to list the Smart Bitch Book as endangered throughout its range pursuant to the Act. This proposed rule, if made final, would extend the Act’s protections to this species. Critical habitat for the Smart Bitch Book is not determinable at this time. The Service seeks data and comments from the public on this proposed listing rule.
Taxonomy and Evolution
Scientists have had difficulty classifying the Smart Bitch Book, describing it variously as a history and evolution of the romance genre, a humorous study on popular women’s literature, and a literary analysis with strong parodic fictional elements. It is generally considered non-fiction, since its primary focus is a treatment of the modern romance novel, but genetic and word distribution analyses have definitively proven that the book contains sufficient scenes depicting sexual activity and enough euphemisms for genitalia to rival any Virginia Henley novel. Evolutionarily, it has its roots in the authors’ website, which in turn was a product of their love of and exasperation with the romance genre, as well as a penchant for mocking oiled, over-developed male pectorals and enjambing profanity with animal names. This evolutionary origin has caused certain taxonomists to propose that the Smart Bitch Book might well be classified as a “blog book,” which would disqualify the book for listing, falling as it would under the exception made for noxious animals constituting a pest under the Act. There is enough doubt about the classification, however, that would allow the Smart Bitch Book to survive that challenge. This taxonomic confusion has ultimately led to doubt as to where to shelve the Smart Bitch Book, the repercussions of which we will discuss in more detail in the Summary of Factors Affecting the Book below. All of this is complicated by the fact that the book, like most, has two-stage habitat location: its intermediate habitat is a bookstore, but it can only thrive in its ultimate habitat, the shelves of libraries and bookreaders.
Summary of Factors Affecting the Smart Bitch Book
Due to a number of unavoidable factors, initial orders of the book have been very low, causing a population plunge. Chief among the reasons for this is the cooling economic climate, which has caused massive freezes in book orders in stores, as well as in the discretionary spending for books among consumers, critically important sources of both forms of book habitat. The fact that the book is classified as non-fiction has been especially detrimental to the book’s range, and the lack of clarity as to exactly which category of non-fiction it belongs to has led to even more dangerous (possibly even fatal) habitat fragmentation and degradation. If the book cannot be found in its expected niches in a bookstore, it will suffer increased difficulty in re-locating to its ultimate habitat; a negative feedback loop between the economic climate, the intermediate habitat and the ultimate habitat is therefore a distinct possibility.
Because our book may be difficult to find throughout all or a significant portion of its range, it’s definitely time for critical attention.
And it means – time for a contest! The Hunt for Heaving Bosoms!
The first person to hunt down the Bosoms in the wild and document with photographic evidence the book and its shelving location, plus the bookstore, city and state where it was found, will win a $100 gift certificate to the bookstore of your choice.
Send your photo to firstname.lastname@example.org – we’ll post the winner here.
Wait, you say. I ordered online! Sweet, says us. Did you (GASP) receive word it already shipped? WOOHOO! You’re in luck – no need to smuggle your copy into a bookstore.
We’re also looking for photographs of the Bosoms in any and all locations, from your kitchen counter to riding the back of a dromedary in the desert (sheikh tycoon billionaire optional). We’ll feature the pictures of Bosoms in the Wild and the best pics from the Bosom Hunting Gallery O’Awesome will win a prize from our Collection o’ Awesome.
What’s in the Collection O’Awesome? A brief list: leather bound journal, BICHOK magnets, iPod Shuffle, gift certificates to bookstores, ebooks, and other stuff, too.
Picture ideas? Sure! Weird location? In the arms of David Hasselhoff? On the back of a Harley? Being read by a guy on a Harley? Read on the back of a Harley by a guy named Harley? Or a girl? Named Davidson? We’re open – bring it on. Best picture sent in by 20 April will win a big honking prize (to be determined). (No really, we’re still shopping. Got a suggestion?)
Photographic evidence is crucial, because we’re pretty sure the Bosoms will be hard to find, especially if you aren’t sure where to look. In order to increase your chances of spotting the Bosoms in the bookstore so you can have an opportunity to examine them first hand, keep track of where the Bosoms have been seen and look there. But if you’re really looking forward to holding Bosoms in your hands and sampling the fun and frivolity, your best bet is to ask your bookstore or library to stock it, and grab your camera to document the evidence.
Let the games begin. Happy Bosoms Hunting!