Strange sex cries

If you’re in need of a good Not Work Safe laugh, check this out, courtesy of the fine folks at Weeping Cock: weird sex cries in bondage porn. Seriously, you’ll laugh till you cry. IN ECSTASY. And possibly yodel out “Blinxxnorgle!” while you do.

After reading that, I demand more. MOAR. Post your favorite weird sex cry in the comments—something you’ve read, heard, or hell, even said yourself. My favorite, that I’d read in a magazine or newspaper a while back, was a practical joke somebody played on his partner—just as he came, he said “Luke, I am your father.”

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  1. 1
    Chrissy says:

    OOB!

    That was oobalicious.

  2. 2
    StarOpal says:

    The thing about The Fonz killed me!

  3. 3
    Ashwinder says:

    Someone has to say it.

    Queeb.

  4. 4
    amy lane says:

    Okay—I can’t think of one—but I am reminded of something. 

    There was a comedian who once said that everyone who got pregnant asked for it.  His proof was that, there you were, in the moment of ecstasy, as close to heaven as a mortal can possibly get, and what do you say?  Two things.

    The first:  “Oh God!”  So God listens.

    The second?  “Oh baby!” 

    So God thinks that’s what you want! 

    Man, I forget the comedian’s name, but every now and then, when one of our kids is doing something particularly heinous (we have four—that covers some ground!) my husband and I will look at each other and say “We should have said ‘Oh schnauzer!’”

  5. 5
    Sarah W says:

    “Hunrgnnnnn.”  “Hunrgnnnn?”  “H-h-h-hunrgnnnnn!”

    As I recall, this was the only answer a main character (Keith?  Kenny?)  gave to any of the many questions his boss peppered him with after barging into the main character’s office unannounced.  Naturally, the boss was unannounced because the MC’s secretary was blissfully employed underneath the MC’s desk. 

    And also naturally, all the Hunrgnnnn-ing was misinterpreted in the best possible way to save the day and get the MC (Kenworthy?) promoted and the plot furthered—-Kind of a How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying But With More Sex kind of deal.

    And if anyone can remember the title (or author) of this book, please let me know—-it’s driving me crazy that I might have spelled Hunrgnnnn right, but can’t provide the title of the book!

  6. 6
    schwartzie says:

    My favorite was said by comedian Steve Byrne: “I’m celebrating you!”  The clip is a little long, but it’s worth it. 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=peCBsU4qxg0

  7. 7
    rebyj says:

    Back in the day, the ex made some gargled noise that sounded very much like a young rooster attempting to crow. Any of you raised on a farm know what sound I’m talking about. aaaaaarkooodddleaaaaaaaaaack? something like that LOL

  8. 8

    *snorts coffee* Oh, Amy! That is hysterical!

    As far as the noises, add a couple of pops and creaks and it sounds like me trying to get up out of the floor after I’ve had to retrieve a critter toy from under the bed. *snort*

  9. 9
    Debra Hyde says:

    LOL!  Those old porn books.  Near and dear to my perverse heart, but not to my writing.

    They’re so wonderfully bad that I can almost forgive them their sins, but I literally cringe when I read “dialogue” like that in *new* books.

    Pray I never have to fight with an editor who wants to insert such vocalizations in the stuff I write….

  10. 10
    MK says:

    I have a friend who’s ex wanted him to be more vocal in bed, but he just wasn’t into that.  So he started quoting that bit in star wars where Luke is blowing up the death star “oh yeah, right on target.”  Took her a little while to catch on.

  11. 11
    Kimberly says:

    In baby voice (woman to man):  “Awwww, such a cute wittle baby” (as a joke mind you- and that’s all I’m gonna say about that… also- don’t do that if your s/o doesn’t have a wonderful sense of humor)

  12. 12
    SonomaLass says:

    According to my DP, I make a noise like a guinea pig.  Yes, that’s what he says—back in the day, he bought me a silver locket engraved with “guinea pig.”  When one of my girls goes through my jewelry box, that’s always an awkward moment.

  13. 13
    Mandy says:

    There was an old Sandra Brown book (like mid 80s, I think) where the hero yelled out “Sweet, sweet love.” at the moment of climax. And, even as an innocent teenager, I thought that was totally over the top and could really never take her writing seriously again. My mother and friends say that her newer books are great. But I just cannot get over that scene.

  14. 14
    Carmael says:

    I remember when I was young and experimenting with sex… I read an article about giving head and in it, they discussed the merits of humming while you …er… worked. So my first time doing this, I didn’t know what to hum so I started humming the theme music Star Wars. He was like, ‘Wait a minute… are you humming the theme to Star Wars?” “Yes” “Oh. Okay. Just thought I was losing my mind.”

    The End.

  15. 15
    Jess says:

    This one friend with benefits of mine once said, “I’m cuh – I’m cuh – COOCOOKACHOO” (as in, the Beattles going “I am the walrus COOCOOKACHOO” but with more sex.) A few weeks before that, we’d been discussing that lyric, and he’d joked that that was how that originated… I had forgotten that conversation, but he managed to remember it mid orgasm. Points for him?

  16. 16
    rebyj says:

    Carmael that is the funniest E V E R ! LOLOL

  17. 17
    Madd says:

    The Man prefers it when I hum Vader’s theme. lol

  18. 18
    LDH says:

    http://www.somethingpositive.net/sp01102002.shtml

    Something Positive is my favorite webcomic, and this particular strip ends with the Best.Sex.Cry.Ever. Truly.

  19. 19
    Tracy Wolff says:

    LDH, I’ll never look at my kids’ Pokemon figures the same again—LOL!

  20. 20
    Liz says:

    LDH, I’ll never look at my kids’ Pokemon figures the same again—LOL!

    I don’t think that the person who created Pokemon had that in mind.  Or maybe he/she did?  Lol!

    I remember when I was young and experimenting with sex… I read an article about giving head and in it, they discussed the merits of humming while you …er… worked. So my first time doing this, I didn’t know what to hum so I started humming the theme music Star Wars. He was like, ‘Wait a minute… are you humming the theme to Star Wars?” “Yes” “Oh. Okay. Just thought I was losing my mind.”

    There was an article in a recent Glamour, where this one woman admitted to humming The Star Spangled Banner while she was giving her partner a blowjob.  Poor woman completely ruined the mood.  Talk about bombs bursting in air!

  21. 21
    Elizabeth Wadsworth says:

    According to my DP, I make a noise like a guinea pig.  Yes, that’s what he says—back in the day, he bought me a silver locket engraved with “guinea pig.”

    “Squeal like a guinea pig!  Squeal like a guinea pig!”
    Sorry, now I’ve got the theme from Deliverance stuck in my head…

  22. 22
    Lori says:

    He was like, ‘Wait a minute… are you humming the theme to Star Wars?” “Yes” “Oh. Okay. Just thought I was losing my mind.”

    Carmael that is the best story ever.  Thank you so very much for sharing it.

  23. 23
    XandraG says:

    Ahh, I miss the old days of the Hoot Island Victorian Sex Cry Generator.

  24. 24
    willaful says:

    My husband insists that I once went “woo hoo!”

  25. 25
    aha321 says:

    I actually said this, but I maintain I was pretty drunk:

    “Harder, harder, we have to save the world!  There almost, the world is almost safe!  Oh, god, I’ll save you!  Oh god!”

    You probably won’t believe me, but I really did, and the morning after was a little weird.

  26. 26
    Liz says:

    “Harder, harder, we have to save the world!  There almost, the world is almost safe!  Oh, god, I’ll save you!  Oh god!”

    I think this was in the original manuscript of Decadent, but was replaced by “in ur ass saving your life”.  The original was much too wordy.

  27. 27
    Annie says:

    One of my sisters was having sex with her boyfriend a week ago when he yelled out pineapple. Apparently, he hates the stuff and thinks of it so he can last longer. He now has a new nickname.

  28. 28
    plainjanelane says:

    I was camping out en mass once.  About 50 of us were there for a conference of sorts.  Ok it was a renaissance fair, you caught me.  My guy and I had finished our business as quietly as we could (tents aren’t exactly sound proof and there were kids nearby) and had just zipped up the sleeping bag when we heard the distinct sounds of Business Being Conducted in the next tent over.  (Ever heard the term BBC?  Well, you have now.)

    We treed to ignore it, but the grunts and groans were getting louder and louder.  When he told her to watch out for his sword, we nearly died laughing, mostly because he was probably talking about his actual sword and not his throbbing member.  After that, we gave into the voyeuristic listening experience. 

    It was brilliant.  The girl kept doing this horrible Irish/Welsh accent and giggling like a kettle, all high pitched and bubbly.  He seemed to be mostly ordering her around, things like “Hold your ankles” and “Not so hard on the ears.”  Not exactly stimulating, but hey, to each his own.

    Oh but dear lord, when he crossed the finish line, he yelled out “Call me Batman!  BATMAN!”

    The best part?  Someone from another tent yelled, “Wrong convention, asshat!”

    The tent was gone by morning.

  29. 29
    Eirin says:

    SCHNAUSER!

    STAR WARS!

    PINEAPPLE!

    BATMAN!

    This thread is full of win :)

    And my codeword is effort.

  30. 30
    Sarah says:

    ooob, heh. So funny. :)

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