Crossing in the Blender

Book CoverIn case you were ever curious what would happen if you put Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass in a blender with really zesty, awful fanfic, an overblown love of faeries and elves, and an entire four-volume set of Ye Olde Guide to Simile and Metaphore and pressed the button marked “I Can Has Literary Masterpiece Plz?”

This is what would happen. And thank ye heavens, there is an audio version. One can only hope for velvet paintings in the near future.

[Thanks to Manna for the link.]

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  1. 1

    *shudder* That is truly horrendous!

  2. 2
    Sana-chan says:


    I read the first three paragraphs. I had to stop. I may never be the same.

  3. 3
    Sana-chan says:

    Whoa, I just clicked on a larger picture of the cover, and holy crapdamn is that ugly! Not as ugly as the actual writing, but maybe a distant second place.

  4. 4
    Carin says:

    It’s like each paragraph was a multiple choice… and the answer was always “all of the above”

    Her breasts were:
    A. Citrus
    B. Limestone
    C. Bright Cumulus
    D. Smooth fingertips of musrum
    E. Honeycombs
    F. Dew Beaded Windows
    G. Soft, sweet cheese
    H. Sweet apples
    I. Glass
    J. Cowries
    K. Twin Moons of the Earth
    L. All of the above

    By the way, I would have chosen “soft, sweet cheese”.  I’m picturing an AWESOME cheese ball sculpture!

  5. 5
    Elizabeth Wadsworth says:

    OK, what the HELL is the scent of the gibbous moon?  The people making those new Eau de Star Trek scents could have a field day with that one.  Thanks for the laugh, BTW.  That’s the funniest thing I’ve read in weeks!

  6. 6
    Lori says:

    I used to know someone named Bronwyn and her major complaint about her name was that it’s ubiquitous is certain types of horrendous fiction.  I hope she never see this nightmare because she’d blow a gasket.  I understand why the LJ writer had to scan it in—-there is no way to convey just how bad that book is to anyone who hasn’t read it.

    On the plus side, after reading the paragraph the starts out describing her pubes I now have a much greater appreciation for the descriptions in romance novels.

  7. 7
    Shae says:


    no seriously WAT???

  8. 8
    theo says:

    I have been scarred for life!

  9. 9

    THAT was truly awful. I couldn’t read it all. My favorite LOL line in comments was… (From book) “HER PUBES IS A FIELD OF WHEAT AFTER THE HARVEST” comment – So, rat-infested stubble, basically


  10. 10
    JaneyD says:

    So, rat-infested stubble, basically

    Now we have the description of Spikenard when he’s doing her.

    Ugh. Where the hell is my eye-bleach?


    And just so people know—this writer was imitating ANOTHER writer. I recall reading some piece of mainstream slop where pages of moronic description were inflicted on the hapless reader in the name of literature.

    It’s a Style Thing to write bad on purpose, and clearly Miller was trying to bring it to fans of fantasy.

    Thankfully, like a case of dysentery, it was quite rightly refused.

  11. 11
    Angela says:

    Dude, and people think romance novels have purple prose. That is, unquestionably one of the greatest things I have ever read. Ever. I am going to force everyone I know to read it.

    Hey Baby, you’re so hot. Your feet are like marmosets.

  12. 12
    Wendy says:

    AAAhahahaha!  Leaves of Grass in a blender indeed. 
    That shit is Imperially purple.  Awesome.

  13. 13
    Gwynnyd says:

    So the saggy-boobed, jackbooted girl on the cover is the same one that is being described as ethereally “ferret tongued,” “shark necked,” and all the rest?


  14. 14

    Jeezum crow! Her legs were bundles of wicker?

    For some reason I don’t think I would be happy if someone compared my legs to a handful of sticks.

    It’s all awful, but that one isn’t even remotely flattering.

  15. 15
    Rene says:

    I think the best line is the one that starts:

    Her pubes was…

    And then the rest of the paragraph, he chooses to pronounize “pubes” as “it.” 

    I mean, that’s not the worst of the offenses, but it stuck out.

    Brain bleach, please.

  16. 16
    Chris Smith says:

    The structural Engineer in me would like to know how thighs can be:

    A forge
    The sandstone buttress of a cathedral
    silk OR cobwebs.

    Why not silk AND cobwebs? They are the only two things on that list that are vaguely similar!!!

    For my sanity I have to believe this was created by a random word generator. Feet like Marmosets? What? Hairy and wiggly and prone to bite?


  17. 17
    WendyC says:

    I had to stop when I reached “Her face had the fragrance of a gibbous moon.” I couldn’t put myself through anymore.

    Gibbous means outward bulging, but that’s beside the point. What the heck does an outwardly bulging moon smell like??

  18. 18
    Ms Manna says:

    Apparently, moon rocks smell like gunpowder.  So I guess a gibbous moon would smell like that, just more shiny than a crescent moon would smell.


  19. 19
    SAS says:

    I’m sorry but…Spikenard?  Seriously, Spikenard.  Sounds like a bad name a man would give his penis.  “Hey baby, wanna try out my Spikenard?”  Gag.

    Magic word: thing98.  Indeed.

  20. 20
    Betsy says:

    Oh sweet Jesus.  I stopped reading after a few paragraphs—it was hard to continue what with my brain exploding and all.

  21. 21
    Brittany says:

    Okay, that was like Mad-Lib on crack.

  22. 22
    Gwynnyd says:

    This is addicting -

    “her teeth were her only bracelet” – she must have been trying to chew through her wrist to get away from this description

  23. 23
    Lori says:

    I’m sorry but…Spikenard?  Seriously, Spikenard.  Sounds like a bad name a man would give his penis.  “Hey baby, wanna try out my Spikenard?”  Gag.

    In my head it was even worse because I initially read it as Spiketard and could not imagine why an adult would write that.  Of course, once I read the rest I realized that cruel juvenile name calling would have fit right in.

  24. 24
    theo says:

    This is addicting -

    “her teeth were her only bracelet” – she must have been trying to chew through her wrist to get away from this description


  25. 25
    Elizabeth Wadsworth says:

    From Wikipedia:

    “Spikenard (Nardostachys grandiflora or Nardostachys jatamansi; also called nard, nardin,and muskroot ) is a flowering plant of the Valerian family that grows in the Himalayas of China, India and Nepal. The plant grows to about 1 m in height and has pink, bell-shaped flowers. Spikenard rhizomes (underground stems) can be crushed and distilled into an intensely aromatic amber-colored essential oil, which is very thick in consistency. Nard oil is used as a perfume, an incense, a sedative, and an herbal medicine said to fight insomnia, birth difficulties, and other minor ailments…”

  26. 26
    Kaye says:

    “Her tongue was a ferret…”

    Well, THAT’S going to make certain things difficult and painful.

  27. 27
    kpsr. says:

    that whole thing was both painful and awesome, but i think my favorite line about the book is in the product desciption:

    Treacherously betrayed, she flees Londeac in a hair-raising balloon/dirigible chase, only to fall into the hands of the faerie king, Spikenard.

    who doesn’t want to be in a hair-raising dirigible chase?

  28. 28
    phadem says:

    Figures it’d be some shit like this to get me out of Lurkdom!

    I’d say I’d choose a best of line, but there’s just so many… By all that’s purple tho, I’ll have to go with “Her pubes was a field of wheat after the harvest; a field neatly furrowed..” for $500, Smart Bitches!

    Oh my sweet heavenly wheat fields, you’ll never be the same.

  29. 29
    SonomaLass says:

    I’m on board with the Mad-Lib or random word generator theories.  I just don’t see how else you could have such horrible mis-matches.

    Worst writing of the day, and since I’m grading student essays, that IS saying something.  Thanks for the respite!

  30. 30
    Suze says:

    Her tongue was a ferret.  It was a black-footed ferret, fighting extinction. It was a small mammal, inserted awkwardly into a sexy conversation.  It was a point of arousal between a white chick and hawt Indian.  It spawned a great storm upon the internets and other media.

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