Everything I Need to Know: Changing Everything

AdviceIt’s time for Thursday’s trek to advice-land, where all your problems can be solved with the wisdom of romance novels.

Dear Smart Bitch Sarah:

You know that saying “the penny dropped?” My penny just dropped and I’m not sure what to do because the penny is huge and it changes everything.

I’ve been content, I guess, with my life until recently. I have a decent job that’s steady and pays ok, and I have a boyfriend who I hang out with a lot, and he’s fun and a very good guy, and everything was comfortable.

Then while reading the news I read about this young woman who sold everything she owned to found a home for orphans in Nepal, and since I read it I have been thinking about it constantly. I don’t necessarily want to go to Nepal, but I’m boiling with the need to do something, to leave now and make a difference somwhere else. I’ve been researching the idea incessantly, from the Peace Corps to teaching English in Japan and working for travel guides in small countries in need of tourist business.

The trouble is, I’m not stupid and I know the economy is awful, and that if I take the time to go away now, when I get back, my job, and probably my boyfriend, will have moved on without me. But I can’t shake the feeling that I want to do something now, and I wanted to ask your advice. Can you help? Or, more specifically, can a romance novel help me?

Signed,

Ants in my pants

Dear Ants:

First, the fact that you want to do something altruistic and are inspired by someone who made an extraordinary change in her life is not at all a bad thing. Give yourself some credit: wanting to help is admirable, and in the current doom-and-gloom is a very needed and important goal.

That said, trying to change everything is a dangerous proposition, and you’re right to recognize the risks. I think you need to pay attention to three things:

First, you: Are you trying to change everything because you’re bored with everything you have in your routine presently? Ask yourself if everything needs to change, or if maybe you can channel your newfound (and wonderful) energy and drive into something that can be added to your present schedule. Maybe you want to cook or deliver meals for people who are unable to leave their homes, or you want to get involved with a group like Habitat for Humanity or a local group that helps foster children, homeless animals, or people in need of literacy education.

No matter where you land with your desire to do something, do something, do something now, you will make a difference, but I think part of what you may be looking for is a more targeted and vivid sense of purpose that your present life isn’t providing. It is not a sin to ponder what volunteering will yield in terms of your own happiness, but I do think you need to examine your motivation a bit because changing everything is a very, very drastic step indeed. Instead of devoting your life to a specific purpose, you seem to be running away. Whatever it is you may be running from, it will follow you. Better to face it and kick its ass, then find your happiness.

There are no shortage of contemporary romances that start with heroines, or less often heroes, relocating, uprooting themselves entirely, and starting their lives over clean and fresh, without a pesky or immediately available backstory or ancillary characters like, you know, parents to muck up the happy ending, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

The trouble is, without fail, no matter who or what the problem was for the heroine or hero in their previous life, that problem comes back. If something needs fixing, it’ll still need fixing no matter what country you’re in, or what work you’re doing. A panic response that causes the heroine to toss everything she owns in the car and head out, or drives the hero to relocate to a beige apartment in a beige condo complex in an anonymous town with a name like Blandsville is still a response to something – and that something needs to be dealt with. You are still you, with all your backstory, even if you’ve experienced a complete change of venue.

Second: your boyfriend: Your letter makes me raise an eyebrow because, while brief, it seems to be between the lines that you’re bored with him and that the prospect of leaving him for upwards of a year doesn’t stun or upset you too much. If you’re with him because it’s habit, perhaps for his sake and yours this is a habit you need to break. Unless there’s some massive passion that I’m missing in your letter, your boredom may stem in part from what appears to be a stagnant relationship.

Third, your job: Your job may not be waiting for you when you come back. In fact, given the layoffs and unemployment rates that rise each week, it’s probably a given that, unless you are in a specialized field or related to the owner, taking a year to volunteer may cost you your employment and benefits when you return. This is an important consideration, and I’m glad you’ve noted it.

I can’t make a decision for you but I can say that smaller steps may be better. I think you ought to find your niche locally, and volunteer in smaller portions – even a few hours a day is more than many people can contribute. Once you discover your strength and match it with a specific purpose, you can look into more complete and total use of your time.

I find that when I have the desire to change everything, it’s really a response to an irritation that I haven’t identified yet. If you want to help, start now, and gradually increase. Remember: you can’t be a heroine if you don’t have your shit together. Pushing away from everything, from your car to your apartment to your boyfriend to your job and your income, without a specific goal or plan in place isn’t altruism. It’s self-defeating, and you’re in a better position now, with or without your boyfriend, to make a profound difference than if you chuck it all and move halfway around the world without a clear path to your happy ending.

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  1. GLH says:

    I guess I should also mention that for my friend this has been a very difficult shift emotionally, practically (very different conditions), and culturally. It is not that she regrets it, but it has been rough on many, many levels. Unless you do have a special call or personal ties to a particular place, I would recommend as so many others to stay in place and find local ways to make a difference.

  2. CD says:

    I work in the relief/development sector, currently in Haiti but previously in the Middle East and in West/Central Africa.  I love what I do but it’s a huge decision to make and most definitely not for everyone.

    I don’t know you at all but from your letter, it seems that you’re dissatisfied with your life and “comfortable” is no longer enough for you.  I don’t get the sense that you have a clear focus on what exactly you want to do to get out of this – as another person here mentioned, there’s a difference between running towards something and running away from something else.  Going to live and work in a completely different country should be something positive, something that you’re “running towards”.
     
    Most people have already pointed this out but I just want to reiterate that the most important thing to do is to really think about what you want in your life and what’s missing from it, and then do your research about how to achieve it.  Plenty of people have mentioned volunteering opportunities in-country which is great and obviously worthwhile, and could lead to a sea-change in your life and in your career.  I know this is a bad economic climate, but you could very easily change your life around while staying in the States – you could follow the steps of many a romance heroine by moving to a small town and getting it on with the local sheriff; or if you’re already in a small town, moving to the big city and getting it on with the local tycoon ;-).  OK, a bit flippant but I hope you see my point.
     
    However, if what you want is a more drastic or adventurous change in your life, and especially if you have a hankering to visit and/or live in countries drastically different from the States, then definitely start looking at overseas opportunities.  I would, however, say that you really have to think this through.  If you’re going to a developing country and you’ve never been to one before, then don’t jump into a two year Peace Corps commitment.  Travel extensively first and/or do a few weeks with a reputable “alternative holiday” operator – see if this is something you really want to do.
     
    Also think about where you would want to go – the world is huge and there’s a lot of variation within regions let alone continents.  I, for one, could never do the Peace Corps/VSO, mostly because it’s unpaid (I’m selfish like that) but also because of the lack of choice in where you go.  I’m very particular about which countries I live and work in as I’ve seen that it could go horrible wrong.  You could luck out like Sula here and get to live in a capital city in a country which arguably has the best music scene in the world and ridiculously friendly people (not to mention cute members of the opposite sex ;-)).  Or you could end up in a small village in the middle of nowhere where the locals treat you with suspicion, you can’t learn the language, you’ve not given interesting work to do, and you basically spend two years feeling extremely lonely.  And some countries/regions of the world will probably be more appealing to you than others: if you have a consuming interest in Buddhism than obviously West Africa is probably going to help you there; and if you have an obsession with djembes or kora music then again, you’re not going to find that in Vietnam. 

    Most importantly, think about what you really want to do overseas.  What are your skills?  What can you do that the local people could/would not?  If the answer to that is “not much”, that’s not necessarily a deal breaker as a number of agency/govt overseas programmes do cater for unskilled volunteers.  Be aware, though, that you options become a lot more limited and you may actually need to pay for the privilege.  Are you looking for a possible start to a new career or just a break from your old one? 

    Apologies if this is more a series of questions than any real advice but if you’ve been reading all these questions with a sense of mounting dread, then overseas work in whatever capacity is probably not the best option for you.  If, on the other hand, you’ve been reading with a sense of excitement at all the various possibilities open to you and can’t wait to start looking stuff up, then go for it!

    Whatever you do, whether you go overseas or stay in the States – don’t ignore those feelings of dissatisfaction. Life is huge and there is so much out there to do and experience; and the worst thing in life is regrets over not having followed your dreams, or at least tried to.  And now’s the time to do it.  It’s not impossible to do these things when you’ve got a mortgage and children – I’ve seen people do it, but it becomes infinitely more difficult. 

    Best of luck!

  3. desertwillow says:

    Ants, I say if you’re unencumbered by kids, pets and responsibilities then do it. I have a sneaking suspicion by the way you speak of the boyfriend that you’ve already left him.

    But I agree: do your research. I spent six years overseas – Spain and Japan. I enjoyed it but I know a lot of people didn’t. They couldn’t drink the water, didn’t like listening to foreign languages being spoken around them, didn’t like the customs like taking off their shoes when entering a home, on and on. They spent a lot of their time there miserable. So truly, ask yourself if you can live in an apartment with no closets or shower (just a bathtub), thin walls, minimal sanitation. Can you live without McDonalds or Burger King? Without the mall? Without TV? Or censored TV? This sounds trivial but I heard constant bitching about those things. Look deep – if you think you can do without all of that and other more serious things at least for a year or two then go for it. Answer the call to adventure.

    And I’ve got to say all this talk of “Why would you go overseas to help when there’s so much to do here?” irked me too.  No disrespect intended but do some research before passing judgement. It is stunning to witness the difference in the quality of life in the US and overseas, even Japan back in the eighties. Everybody is different, if they feel the call to help they should find their own way to help out whether that be rescuing animals, helping homeless vets, or as aid workers in Africa without judgement.

    Off my soapbox now.

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