On January 30, 2005, Candy and I started this here website, kicking off the hot pink castle of bitchin’ with an A- review. Now, four years later, a lot has changed. But the best parts have not: our readers are some of the coolest people we’ve ever met (most notably the lurkers. Hi lurkers!) and we are so pleased you stop by every now and again to talk romance with us.
So when it came time to figure out what to do to mark our fourth birthday, I took a look at what the traditional and modern anniversary gifts are for that year. The traditional gifts are flowers and fruit. And the modern gift…?
Appliances! Ha! So what better way to celebrate four years of Bitchery Goodness than to give away a whole slew of funky badass appliances. Here’s the deal: post a recipe and you’re entered to win. But wait, there’s more! The recipe should either be embellished with purple prose, or for something that is quivery, creamy, or spicy. Or all three! Post your recipe in the comments below, and you’re entered to win. We’ll pick the winners, and hand out the prizes. Comments will be open for 24 hours.
The prizes? See below! It’s like the Price is Right and the old-skool Wheel of Fortune (when you got to go shopping with your winnings right there, and someone always got a ceramic dog) had hot slappy sex and then ran off together with Ron Popeil in a hot, hot electric threesome.
And, in case you just can’t possibly get enough cooking, one lucky winner will take home the grand prize: one of the above appliances, AND a copy of Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes.
No. We’re not kidding.
One small note: many of the items can’t be shipped outside the U.S. So if you’re a swarthy and majestic international winner in our giveaway, we can send you a $25 gift certificate to Amazon.com or the bookstore of your choice.
Congratulations on your anniversary!
Bhloody Mharys
1 46 ounce can of tomato juice, temptingly red as the blood of one’s lifemate
2 cups of exorbitantly expensive and trendy NAME BRAND vodka
2 tablespoons lemon juice, as fragrant as the aroma of a mate that can be scented across a crowded room of Minions
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce, as dark as eyes taken over by the demon, beast, and/or hunger
1 teaspoon prepared horseradish, with the kick of a feisty, independent, and quirkily beautiful woman who’s sexuality has been repressed while waiting for her soulmate
1/2 teaspoon of salt (there really is nothing sexy about salt)
Dashes of Tabasco to taste, spicy like that first hit of virgin blood to the back of the throat
In a large pitcher combine all ingredients. Cover; refrigerate several hours or overnight. Pour into salt-rimmed glasses. Serve each with a celery-stick stirrer, if desired. Makes 16 (4-oz) servings to share with the Brother, Carpathian, Breed, Lord, or Forebearer of your choice.
Dark Chocolate and Peppermint Whipped Cream Tart
-1 1/4 cups all purpose flour
-1/3 cup powdered sugar
-1/4 teaspoon baking powder
-1/4 teaspoon salt
-10 tablespoons (1 1/4 sticks) chilled unsalted butter, diced
-1 teaspoon vanilla extract
-4 1/2 teaspoons cold whole milk
-1 1/4 cups whipping cream
-1/4 cup light corn syrup
-12 ounces bittersweet or semisweet chocolate, chopped
-1 ounce unsweetened chocolate, chopped
-3 1/2 cups chilled whipping cream
-3/4 cup powdered sugar
-1 3/4 teaspoons peppermint extract
Gently as a lovers first caress, sift the powered sugar, flour, salt and power into a food processor, then add the supple butter and fragrant vanilla. Process until it forms clumps, add the wet, white milk, blending until sweet, moist clumps forms. Pinch off a piece and place it on your tongue, savoring the flavor, before kneading the dough into a ball then pressing firmly flatten into a disk, encasing it in plastic, and chilling for an hour.
On a cool marble slab, roll out the dough between sheets for crisp, floured parchment paper to a 12-inch round. Press the dough onto the bottom and up sides of a 10-inch tart pan with removable bottom. Contemplate the word “bottom.” Fold dough edges over and press to form thick sides. Using thumb, press dough around sides to extend crust 1/8 inch above edge of pan. Freeze 20 minutes. Contemplate other thick items and the erotic uses of ice. Shake self, and proceed to next step.
Preheat oven to 350°F. Bake crust until brown, piercing bubbles with fork, about 30 minutes. Transfer to rack; cool.
Bring thick, white cream and sweet, clear corn syrup to simmer in a medium sauce pan. Remove from heat and add chocolate, whisking with clear, firm strokes and strong wrist action, until sooth as your lover’s fresh shaved face. Cool 30 minutes, then pour into crust and chilling until firm. Take those three hours to make mad, passionate love using any leftover chocolate.
Whip cream with powered sugar and peppermint before mounding onto center of tart, forming stiff peaks.
Recipe originally from Bon Appetite magazine, prose by Marguerite.
Sin from My Lips Hot Artichoke Dip
2 cans (or jars) marinated artichoke hearts, drained
1 cup Parmesan Cheese, shredded in food processor
1 cup Fontina Cheese, shredded in food processor
8 oz. (1 pkg.) Cream cheese, softened (room temperature)
1 tablespoon minced garlic (fresh or from a jar)
? cup mayonnaise
2-3 green onions, sliced
Your favorite hot sauce
Preheat oven to 375?F.
In a large bowl, take the drained artichoke hearts and break them apart with your fingers. Add the softened cream cheese, mayonnaise, and garlic. Mix together. Add shredded cheese, a bit at a time, and mix until well blended. Add a liberal dash of hot sauce.
Empty into a ceramic serving dish, cover with lid or foil and bake until bubbly (30-45 minutes). Allow to cool for a few minutes, then garnish with sliced green onions. Instruct your cabana boy to serve with crackers or crostini.
CRÈME BRULEE
As easy as his crimson-finger nailed, power-suit-wearing ex, but oh, so much more rewarding…
Gently stoke the flames of your oven’s desire, ‘til it reaches 300F. In a large, heavy, well-rounded saucepan, warm 2 ½ cups heavy cream, white and silky smooth as a Regency damsel’s heaving bosom, to which has been added rare and exotic essence of vanilla from the farthest reaches of Madagascar. Firmly discipline eight fresh egg yolks with a wire whisk in a large bowl ‘til frothy and obedient to your every whim. Slowly, gradually add cream and blend well. Add ½ cup sugar, sweet as a virgin’s kisses, and just a pinch of salt, tangy as the sweat you long to lick from his most secret places. Caress with smooth, even strokes of your rigid, rounded kitchen implement until sugar has dissolved into sweet liquidity. Ejaculate mixture evenly into individual ovenproof ramekins and place them in a baking pan, shallow as a rake’s latest conquest. Add water to come halfway up the sides, gently tease open your oven’s heated cavern, and thrust inside. Bake 45 minutes, or until unsheathed knife blade slid into mixture’s creamy center emerges slick, shiny, and perfectly clean. Allow to cool, not unlike hero’s former ardor for a certain lady of the demi-mondaine. Refrigerate several hours. When your wants and needs have reached fever pitch and you and your beloved are ready—ready! to throw caution to the winds and consummate your desire by devouring every last bit, top the custards with two teaspoons each of Demarara sugar from the exotic plantations of the West Indies, stoke your blowtorch to white-hot fervor, and quickly, efficiently caramelize to a rich, glowing brown. Devour immediately, with whipped cream and fresh fruits, if desired.
“Is it hot in here or is it just me”
Roasted Winter Squash with Smooth, Buttery Chocolate-Chipotle Mole
1 large winter squash or very small pumpkin. Choose a “meaty” squash or pumpkin, the firmer the better, so it doesn’t go limp and remains full of sweet, lusty flavor (acorn and similar squash tend to peter out and go to mush.)
Peel, clean and cut your winter squash into halves or quarters (if big) and roast at 375 degrees until done. Once squash is cooked through and tender (but not limp) cut into bite-sized chunks or slices and set back into oven to keep warm while you make the sauce.
Sauce:
1 15-oz can of saucy tomatoes (well, tomato sauce, anyway)
2-3 cloves of garlic (to ward off accidental blood loss)
1-2 Tbsp of sweat-inducing chipotle peppers in adobo sauce, depending on your tolerance for tongue-tingling excitement
1-2 Tbsp of honey, to taste (oh, yes, please do taste…)
1/2 cup shredded bittersweet baking chocolate (oh so dark and luscious)
1 Tbs butter (a little lube goes a long way)
In a large skillet, heat tomato sauce until it’s bubbling with delight, then add garlic and chipotle peppers. Simmer for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add honey in a slow, lazy drizzle, getting it everywhere as you stir. Simmer uncovered, stirring occasionally, until the mixture is thick and pulls away from the bottom of the pan when stirred, about 15 minutes. Add that heaping pile of bittersweet chocolaty love and stir well until thoroughly melted and incorporated. Finish off with the butter and stir well. Test for spiciness and flavor, tweaking seasonings as desired until you just can’t stand it anymore.
Plate out the roasted squash and enrobe with your silky, buttery love-sauce until the plate is brimming with spicy-hot-and-sweet passion. Pour out a hearty red wine to complement your dish, lock the door, take the phone off the hook and shut down the email. You really won’t want to be disturbed.
Edited to add: Cook the sauce on med-high heat, so it doesn’t burn. It may come together quicker, depending on your choice of tomato sauce base.
Scandinavian Chip Dip
1 lb. hamburger
1 8 oz. block Mexican Velveeta “cheese”
1 can cream of chicken soup
1 jar extra mild salsa or picante sauce (Hey, I said it was Scandinavian! Go hotter if desired.)
Fry hamburger until well browned. Slice mouthful-sized chunks of spicy, creamy Velveeta into the pan. Stir lovingly until melted with desire. Add cream of chicken soup and salsa/picante. Stir the juicy pot until steamy and lubricious.
Can be served wham bam, or put in a crock pot for long, slow, languorous enjoyment. Serve with chips of your choice.
Dreamy Southern Sweet Tea
I’m not much of one for purple prose, so…
Take 8 tea bags of orange pekoe-grade tea, inhaling the fragrance redolent of such. Put into a container with 36 oz. of water. Put it in the microwave, nuke it for five minutes. Leave it in there to let it steep for another 20 or 40. Then take a 1-gallon . Pour two cups of granulated sugar into it. Heap them if you think your waistline can take it. Pour the hot tea onto the sugar until you have emptied all 36 oz. of water onto the tea. Take a long spoon, and put the gallon pitcher under the sink. Turn on cold water, and stir while the pitcher fills up. Drink a couple of glasses—about half the pitcher. Then put it into the refrigerator overnight. By morning, it should be so cold you don’t need ice in it, and so sweet and strong that it could make a corpse stand up.
Authentic Southern Spicy Biscuits
4 cups White Lily Self-Rising Flour
2 Heaped tablespoons of Crisco Butter Shortening
An indeterminate amount of Milk or Buttermilk.
Cinnamon and Sugar
Preheat oven to 350-375 F.
Put the flour in the bowl. Drop the two tablespoons of Crisco in. Pour in milk or butter milk a bit at a time, stirring it in each time, until you get a dough. Sprinkle on the cinnamon and sugar. Knead it in evenly. Add in a bit more flour and knead it in to stiffen up the dough. Break it into a one, one-and-a-half, or two dozen pieces. Put onto a creased cook sheet. Bake until they’re golden-brown on top. They’ll expand, and you may have to cut them apart as they grow together. They’ll be pretty moist and dense, but they’re good even when they’re cold, and work great for making breakfast sandwiches out of things like jelly or breakfast meat.
Lifesaver Chicken
2 whole chickens, 3-4# each
1 Tab paprika
2 tsp chili powder
1 tsp oregano
1 tsp salt
1 tsp freshly ground black pepper
1/4 tsp cayenne pepper
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1 Tab packed brown sugar
2 12-oz cans beer
1 small onion, diced
2 cloves garlic, diced
Trim chickens of excess fat, rinse inside and out, pat dry.
Combine spices and brown sugar, mix well. Rub a teaspoon of the mixture on the inside of each chicken. Rub remaining mixture over the surface of the chickens.
Open beers and drink half of each. Stuff the onion and garlic into the cans, along with any remaining spice mixture. Ease chickens over the cans, feet down, until they are resting on the cans and their legs. The cans must remain upright at all times.
(OPTIONAL STEP: Shout “Hey Chicken, this beer’s in ur ass, savin’ ur life!”)
Place over ashed hot charcoal, close lid with vents open. Grill for 1-1/2 to 2 hours, adding more charcoal as needed. Done when legs and wings wiggle easily.
This family favorite, formerly known as “Beer Butt Chicken,” was renamed last year in homage to this very web site. Now even my mother calls it Lifesaver Chicken, and she has NO IDEA why.
I’m thinking of renaming it Saddleback Chicken, though….
Happy anniversary, and thanks for another year of snark, sharing, insights and general awesomeness!
Other Pratchett fans might recognize this; I feel it’d be appreciated here:
Nanny Ogg’s Strawberry Wobblers
(copied from Nanny Ogg’s Cookbook, so the amounts are in the british style, and the editor’s note was part of the recipe; ©Terry Pratchett)
2 sachets unflavored gelatine (or veggie equivalent)
300 ml boiling water
250g strawberries
150ml extra-thick double cream
2 tablespoons caster sugar
strawberry ice cream, for serving
4 large champagne flutes
(Editor’s Note: we’ve settled for champaign flutes because the containers apparently preferred by Mrs. Ogg are … well, unavailable. Well, you don’t see them in the shops. Well, no the shops on High Street, certainly … Not our High Street, anyway.)
Dissolve the gelatine in the water following the instructions on the packet and leave to cool for 10-15 minutes. Meanwhile, rinse and top the strawberries, chop in half and place in large bowl/blender. Add most of the cream – keep a little aside for decoration – and the sugar. If using a blender, whizz it all to milkshake consistency. Otherwise, use a potato masher and mash until smooth.
When the gelatine has cooled, mix thoroughly with the strawberry mixture and pour into the champagne flutes. Chill for two hours (or until set). Gently ease wobblers out of glasses (using palette knife or similar) onto plate, and serve upended with a couple of scoops of ice cream, placed according to preference, and a drizzle of cream.
Creamy, custardy cherry Clafoutis
(adapted from The Minimalist)
1 jar morello cherries, drained (Trader Joe’s has them)
3 large eggs
1/2 cup sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
3/4 cup heavy cream (hu-huh, I said cream)
3/4 cup whole milk
1/2 cup flour
1/2 cup toasted sliced almonds (optional, you know, if you need some nuts)
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Lube, I mean, butter and flour a 9-inch pie pan, and tap that a**, um, tap out the excess flour.
2. Whisk the eggs in a large bowl until nice and frothy. Add the sugar and whisk. Add the cream, milk and vanilla. Add the flour and whisk until combined.
3. Throw the cherries in the pie pan and pour the batter over it. (If using, sprinkle those nuts on.)
4. Bake for 40 minutes, or until nice and puffy. It’ll be thick, creamy and custardy inside, just like you like it. Oh yeah.
I think there definitely has to be a Smart Bitches Cookbook some time in the near future. I want to try most of these!
spamword: love28: I love all 28+ recipes posted so far. (And don’t tell me the spamword generator isn’t listening in with its little sentient virtual brain and doesn’t have a sense of humor…)
@ Vinca: I thought of the Strawberry Wobblers, too! But I couldn’t find my Nanny Ogg’ss Cookbook—one of my Pratchett-loving daughters must have borrowed it.
GMTA!
Is anyone else getting hungry?
How I wish I had brain cells left to make this as clever as earlier entries…but this week has been killer!
Baked Macaroni & Cheese (quivery & creamy!)
8oz pasta (elbow macaroni, rotini, etc.)
2 tablespoons butter or margarine
1 tablespoon flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon dry mustard
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 1/2 cups milk
1/2 pound Cheddar cheese, shredded
Prepare pasta as label directs. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease (tee hee) 2-quart casserole dish.
In saucepan over medium heat melt butter/margarine. Stir in flour, salt, mustard and pepper until blended; cook 1 minute. Gradually stir in milk; cook until mixture thickens slightly and is smooth, stirring constantly. Stir in cheese until melted.
Place drained pasta in casserole dish; pour cheese sauce over the top.
Bake 20 minutes or until bubbly and heated through.
You can *spice* it up by throwing in some cooked, chopped andouille before heating it in the oven.
Lemon Cream Scones (Just because your scones are tart doesn’t mean you are) guaranteed to impress all gentlemen callers invited to tea
2 cups all purpose flour
1/2 cup sugar
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp grated lemon zest
6 Tbs butter room temp
1 tsp fresh lemon juice (you can always ask gentleman caller if he would like to squeeze your lemons if you wish to be provocative)
1 1/4 cups plus 2 Tbs whipping cream (if you didn’t get a rise with earlier request you may try again by asking different gentleman caller if he would like to whip your cream)
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Lightly grease a baking sheets (again you may ask for assistance greasing the sheets).
Combine flour, sugar, baking powder, soda and zest in a medium bowl. Using pastry blender cut in butter until mixture is crumbly. Add lemon juice and 1 1/4 cups cream stirring untl dry ingredents are moistened. (You may always ask for his opinion on whether your cream is moist enough)
On lightly floured surface, roll dough to 3/4 inch thickness and cut with 2 1/2 inch round cutters. Arrange on baking sheet and brush tops with remaining 2 Tbs cream.
Bake 17-19 minutes or until lightly browned.
(These really are good)
This one was in my epicurious file. It’s mostly about melting stuff instead of cooking. My purple prose is lame, but the pie is great.
Rocky Road [to lurve] Sundae Pie
For crust
• 1 9-ounce package oreos broken into pieces. [To symbolize your hero’s tortured childhood.]
• 6 tablespoons (3/4 stick) unsalted butter, melted
For milk chocolate fudge sauce [Double this. It’s good on more than just pie!]
• 2/3 cup whipping cream
• 8 ounces imported milk chocolate (such as Lindt), chopped
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
For marshmallow sauce [You can cheat and use a jar of marshmallow cream. Just make sure the overbearing MIL or evil ex doesn’t catch you.]
• 4 cups miniature marshmallows (about 7 1/2 ounces)
• 1/3 cup whipping cream
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 2 quarts chocolate ice cream, slightly softened [ for a cool interacial romance use half vanilla or coffee.]
• 1 cup walnuts, toasted, coarsely chopped (about 3 3/4 ounces)
Preparation
Make crust:
Preheat oven to 325°F. Butter 9-inch-diameter springform pan with 2 3/4-inch-high sides. Finely grind chocolate wafer cookies in processor. Add melted butter and process until crumbs are evenly moistened. Press crumb mixture firmly onto bottom and 1 inch up sides of prepared pan. Bake crust until set, about 10 minutes. Cool completely.
Make milk chocolate fudge sauce:
Bring cream just to simmer in medium saucepan over medium heat. Remove from heat. Add milk chocolate; let stand 1 minute. Whisk until chocolate is melted and smooth. Whisk in vanilla. Let stand at room temperature until sauce cools and thickens slightly, about 20 minutes.
Make marshmallow sauce:
Combine marshmallows and cream in large metal bowl. Set bowl over saucepan of barely simmering water (do not allow bottom of bowl to touch water). Stir until marshmallows melt and mixture is smooth, about 3 minutes. Remove bowl from over water; stir in vanilla. Let stand until slightly cooled but still pourable, about 10 minutes.
Spread 1 quart ice cream evenly in cooled crust. Drop half of milk chocolate sauce by tablespoonfuls over ice cream, spacing apart. Sprinkle half of walnuts over sauce. Drizzle half of marshmallow sauce over walnuts. Freeze until sauces are set, about 10 minutes.
Spread 1 quart ice cream evenly in crust. Drop remaining milk chocolate sauce by tablespoonfuls over ice cream. Drizzle remaining marshmallow sauce over, allowing some chocolate sauce to show through. Sprinkle with remaining walnuts. Freeze until pie is firm, about 4 hours. (Can be made 5 days ahead. Cover tightly with foil. Keep frozen.)
Cut around pan sides to loosen. Let pie soften slightly at room temperature, about 10 minutes. Remove pan sides.
You all are too funny. I’m much too tired to try to compete with the purple prose hilarity, but I’m going to throw my favorite cookie recipe into the ring anyway.
Sinfully delicious cream cheese cookies (mmmm, creamy)
Ingredients:
1 box of vanilla cake mix
1 8-oz package of cream cheese (not the low-fat kind—we’re working on our curves, ladies)
1 egg
1 tbs vanilla extract
1 stick margarine (or butter)
Mash cream cheese, egg, vanilla extract and margarine together in a large bowl using the implement of your choice—mixer, spatula, time traveling lover’s broadsword, whatevs. (This works best if the cream cheese and margarine have been sitting at room temperature for awhile.)
Add the cake mix to your mixture 1/3 at a time until everything is blended together. Now eat a bunch of dough, because it’s delicious. Put whatever’s left into the fridge and chill for 20-30 minutes. Preheat oven to 350 in the meantime.
Once your dough is chilled and the oven is hot (oooh, HOT), you can drop spoonfuls of the dough onto a greased cookie sheet. Cover with sprinkles if desired and bake for 12-15 minutes, depending on the size of your…um, cookies. When they’re ready they’ll be golden yellow and the bottoms will be just starting to brown.
Dang it! I had this recipe of the throw-together steak and pasta meal I made last night mostly written out, I was on the roughly pounding the meat step and was planning something about slipping your meat into the sizzling heat of the oh so ready skillet. There was talk of dripping juices, hot creamy sauces, and nibbling on firm fleshy past, but my browser crashed on me and I can’t recreate the whole thing, so I’m just S.O.L.
I really liked that peppermint pot too … boo Firefox!
Happy 4th! It feels like I’ve been visiting you guys forever. Sanomalass had me crying with her Lifesaver chicken. I hope no one tips off her mom. 😉
Hot, hot dogs
Needed:
A: One moist, yet firm bun
B: One sizzling hot, thick, long sausage
C: Sauce that will burn your tongue
Hold B lovingly between your fingers and gently thrust into A. Top it off with a squirt of hot C. (Kraut optional)
Enjoy.
And Happy Anniversary, SB!
Insanely Garlicky Linguine with Clam Sauce of Luuurve
1 entire, firm, bulbous head of garlic (peeled and minced)
1/4 cup good quality smooth, slick olive oil
1 large or 4 small cans (heh) of shelled baby clams (heheh) in nectar
1 teaspoon of sexy, zesty crushed red peppers
Linguine (or some other slippery, long and firm, yet supple pasta)
Put your pasta water on to boil. Open your can(s) of clams and keep them handy (keep the lids).
In a large frying pan, maximize your heat. When the oil is hot, add the garlic and red peppers. Watch closely so it doesn’t burn.
Stir frequently with a wooden spatula, moving the wood through the slick garlic, sometimes slowly, sometimes faster, cooking until the garlic is golden and nutty, but not burnt and bitter.
When you’ve reached that magic point, when the garlic is just on the cusp, quickly flood the pan with the nectar of luuurve, leaving the clams aside until later.
Bring to a boil, and keep stirring to prevent sticking and burning. The sauce should remain slick and wet, eventually reducing to a thick, sticky fluid. The wood, dragged through the pan, should leave a distinct trail. Reduce the heat, and stir in the clams, which will warm through by the time you serve.
In the meantime, your pasta water should have come to a boil. Cook your pasta to your preferred texture, drain, and dump it into the sauce. Mix together exuberantly and lustfully, panting with ecstasy. Consume with gusto.
Um, I should probably say I got that recipe (sort of) from What to Cook When You Think There’s Nothing in the House to Eat by Arthur Schwartz.
Easy Chocolate Orgasm Cake
It is considered bad form to cuddle the pan before all of the cake is eaten…
Gently circle the round nubbin protruding impudently from the rack of your stove, teasing until the empty grotto warms to 350.
In a heady burst of anticipation and bottled up passion, collect:
Large box of chocolate pudding
Appropriate amount of creamy, white milk as demanded by puddin’ box
Bag of whatever chocolate treats catch your fancy (chocolate chips, hershey’s kisses, chocolate starfish)
Box of chocolate cake mix (devil’s food is particularly sensuous)
Delicately slide your finger into the lip of the pudding box, and stroke until it opens before you like a beautiful, beautiful flower. Ease out the protective sheathing filled with the silky powder, and release the sweet essence into a bowl. Next, grab hold of the firm, erect handle of a creamy, moist container of milk and gently ease the silky white goodness into a measuring cup. Tip the cup into the eagerly waiting receiving chamber and gush forth in a great discharge of sweetness, quenching the needy silkiness.
Take up the sultry rod of your whisk and begin gently to stroke the quivering mass, teasing it gently as you increase speed and pressure until you are whipping the frothy passion into a peaking frenzy.
Slide a questioning finger under the shoulder of the chocolate cake’s demure raiment, burning a trail teasingly all the way across. Lift the mix out of its confining garment, pausing to admire its semi transparent virginal white lingerie, before gently pulling the top apart and spilling the bountiful goodness into the slick love grotto with the frothy passion. Using the swollen head of your firm manly spoon, caress the center of the soft mound of love before you, stroking up and down, back and forth, in and out, keeping your gaze where the two of you meet, watching the bearded leisure center become smooth and glossy with passion.
Rip the cheap, tawdry veil from your bevy of scantily clad chocolate treats, gazing rapaciously upon their bountiful charms. If necessary, strip them of their false modesty, begging them to show you their sleek skin.
Sheathing the spoon-headed sword into the greedy scabbard once more, plunge half the tiny firm darkly pigmented rounded buttons into the eagerly waiting open-mouthed bowl; bump and grind until coated in buttery love musk.
Lubricate the pan generously with slippery goodness, then coax the wet, quivering mound of joy upward, exposing the wet underside to the slicked up hardness. Mercilessly toss the rest of your naked chocolate tarts across the top of the resulting pillow of passion. (If desired, you can treat all of your chocolate tarts in the second manner, their broken hearts will melt across the dark surface in a very wanton manner.)
Insert the rigid member into the fiery hot grotto, basting it with heat until it is hot and mostly firm in the center of its pleasure. It is okay if said center still quivers slightly, because you will be bringing it to its fulfillment with your talented oral ministrations.
Finally, look deeply into your beloved’s enchanting velvety eyes and whisper, “Happy Anniversary, Sarah and Candy”
It’s an Historical
COCK-A-LEEKIE SOUP
take ye two pullets pluck hem and gutt hem and clene hem and boyle hem well. take pulets from ye pott and remove the flesch from the bones.
chopp the flesch coarsley and add bak to the brothe in ye pott with sum salt. take three or fore godly leekes and chopp hem well takying cayre to use only the tendre partes thereof and nott the darke green ends. remove all roughe parts and the rootes. add to the pott with fine ground sypces being thre or fore blaydes of mayce, fifteen of pepper-cornes, a piece of cynamond barke the lenth of ye smale finger, half a nutmegg, sum salt to tayste, three or two juniper berries, and also the herbs of tyme and rosmarie amounts each as would sute your taystes. chop four or fyve carrets and add also. then three handfuls of fruts of dry plum or peech also add to ye brothe. Add also a godly handful of chop’t persley. let cook slow until the flavour be right and serve to yer braw soljer laddie.
After ye take his cok in hand. It shall furious leek for thee
Happy anniversary to one of my all-time favourite sites on the ‘net. Thanks for all the laughs and snark, Sarah and Candy. Hope the next four years are just as good than the first four!
I actually lost it on this one.
Congratulations on 4 amazing years, Smart Bitches!
Sausage Cheese Balls
2 lbs sausage
2 cups shredded cheddar
onion salt
2 cup bisquick
celery salt
roll together and bake for 10-15 minutes at 350. 🙂
Great for an appetizer
Flan-ing the Flames of Desire
Ingredients
6 eggs, smooth and round
12 oz. evaporated milk, poured in a silky, creamy stream from the can
14 oz. sweetened condensed milk, slowly drizzled from the tip of a spoon, reserving enough to dip your middle finger into before sensuously licking its rich sweetness from your fingertip
3 oz. cream cheese, warmed from the heat of the sexual tension
1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
Dash ground cinnamon
-AND-
1/2 c. sugar, ‘cause it makes it taste so good
Add the eggs, milks, cream cheese, vanilla and cinnamon to a blender. Pause between additions to trade suggestive looks and double entendres while slowly edging closer to each other. Blend for 1 minute. Let mixture rest. Ignite stove by bending over burner knob while slightly arching your back. Look over your shoulder as the burner ignites, catching him watching you, and sharing that look that says, “I know that you know that I know that you want me.” Carmelize sugar in a heavy saucepan or skillet, imagining your inhibitions melting away with those sweet sugar crystals and immediately pour into an 8″x8” baking dish, spreading sugar to coat bottom of dish. Add blended mixture to baking dish. Place baking dish in a water bath and bake at 350. Remember that there was a serving platter that you needed to get down from a high cupboard right behind him. Climb onto a step stool to reach the serving platter, slightly hesitating while asking him if he will take it from your hands. Turn to face him just as he moves to stand in front of you, losing your balance just enough to fall into his waiting arms, yet not hard enough to drop the platter. Let your face come to rest within an inch of his, gazing at first his eyes, then his mouth, allowing flames of desire to ignite…
Remove the flan after 1 hour and chill overnight (or just leave it overnight in an oven that has been turned off – flames of desire are notoriously tricky to keep hot and a long delay can result in cold feet). Invert onto serving dish and serve either cold or at room temperature.
cream puffs.
take one stick of butter, one firm, long stick. cover it in one cup boiling water, roiling, bubbling water, heaving, frothing. now let it melt in a slick frenzy. turn the heat down and enjoy the after glow, ladies. add one cup of flour, suddenly, and stir. feel the spoon rub the sides of the pot, as the dough forms, thick, muscley clumps of delicous manliess. now, one at a time, add four eggs, stirring between each until completely mixed.
form into balls. yes, balls. any size. have a dildo shaped mold? now is a good time to try ‘er out!
place on ungreased baking sheet, so those balls can feel the heat rising in them.
bake at 350 for forty five minutes.
when done, they should be gold, a lovely, rich golden color. now, whip that whipping cream. beat, smack it, whip it. it’s been bad. oh yeah.
add just a touch of powder sugar, just like we like our men. creamy. sweet. whipped.
now, stuff the whipped cream into those balls, until white goo is just falling out of them. don’t forget those eclairs. nothing says bite me, lick me like a long shaft oozing white creme. yum!
feel free to dip in chocalte. lick all you want, they are so bad for you. fat, sweet, thick.
cream puffs.
decorate with chocolate, nuts (your choice) or caramel stripes. semen, anyone? many toppings go on these round balls and hard rods.
lick all you want. they’re so delcious.