Happy 4th Anniversary to Us!

On January 30, 2005, Candy and I started this here website, kicking off the hot pink castle of bitchin’ with an A- review. Now, four years later, a lot has changed. But the best parts have not: our readers are some of the coolest people we’ve ever met (most notably the lurkers. Hi lurkers!) and we are so pleased you stop by every now and again to talk romance with us.

So when it came time to figure out what to do to mark our fourth birthday, I took a look at what the traditional and modern anniversary gifts are for that year. The traditional gifts are flowers and fruit. And the modern gift…?

Appliances! Ha! So what better way to celebrate four years of Bitchery Goodness than to give away a whole slew of funky badass appliances. Here’s the deal: post a recipe and you’re entered to win. But wait, there’s more! The recipe should either be embellished with purple prose, or for something that is quivery, creamy, or spicy. Or all three! Post your recipe in the comments below, and you’re entered to win. We’ll pick the winners, and hand out the prizes. Comments will be open for 24 hours.

The prizes? See below! It’s like the Price is Right and the old-skool Wheel of Fortune (when you got to go shopping with your winnings right there, and someone always got a ceramic dog) had hot slappy sex and then ran off together with Ron Popeil in a hot, hot electric threesome.

Book Cover  Book Cover

Book Cover Book Cover

Book Cover Book Cover

And, in case you just can’t possibly get enough cooking, one lucky winner will take home the grand prize: one of the above appliances, AND a copy of Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes.

No. We’re not kidding.

One small note: many of the items can’t be shipped outside the U.S. So if you’re a swarthy and majestic international winner in our giveaway, we can send you a $25 gift certificate to Amazon.com or the bookstore of your choice.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Midknyt says:

    Potatoes that Fan Your Desire

    Ingredients:
    •2 big and firm potatoes
    •Slippery olive oil
    •Seasonings to make one mad with lust (Basil, oregano, parsley, salt, pepper)
    •Mozzarella, shredded like the nightgown that was ripped off you last night (optional)

    Directions:

    First, excite your oven until it is hot and ready at 425?.

    Meanwhile, get your dirty, rugged potatoes wet and rub them down until they are as clean as a reformed rake.  Slice them as thin as the barrier that marks one a virgin.  Spread the quivering potato pieces onto a greased baking sheet, slightly overlapping one over the other like discarded lovers of a woman with a jaded past.

    Drizzle a light coating of olive oil over the potatoes, as you would your lover for a massage in all the right places.  Then sprinkle, to match your wanton tastes, the seasonings, giving the potatoes the look of a lover’s skin, speckled by sunlight coming through the shade of the tree you just made love under. 

    Additionally, if it is your want, sprinkle a similar amount of mozzarella for some added adventure.

    Place in the oven and wait in trembling anticipation for a half hour, or until cooked. 

    Relieve that built up tension by placing a small bite in your mouth, and reap the orgasmic rewards of your patience. 

    —-
    Well, there’s my attempt.  My mom requests these every time I cook, so hopefully I won’t feel dirty whenever making them from now on.

    :)

  2. 2
    Midknyt says:

    Argh, forgot the Happy Anniversary!

    Happy Anniversary!  ;)

  3. 3
    Renee says:

    Hot n Creamy Pop the Cherry Soy Rice Pudding

    2 cups cooked rice
    3 cups vanilla soy milk
    1/2 cup sugar
    1/2 cup dried sweet cherries
    cinnamon
    nutmeg
    ginger

    Stir together your rice, soy milk, spices and sugar and bring to a bubbling boil.  Turn that pot down to a simmer and add the cherries.  Let it cook into a hot creamy pot of deliciousness.  Remember to stir occasionally so you don’t get a burned cherry ;)
    Enjoy warm, hot, or on top of the body part of choice.

  4. 4
    Elyssa Papa says:

    Happy Anniversary!!! Thanks so much for all the fun posts, insightful reviews, and the classic in ur ass, saving ur life.

  5. 5
    ms bookjunkie says:

    Midknyt, lusting after those potatoes!

    Have you ever tried getting kinky with them and exchanging the spices for a BBQ mix? I quite like the taste, it sends shivers down my spine like the touch of an illicit lover. And if you serve it to your mother, she can go “OMGWTFBBQ!” *g*

    Spam word: john37. No, not going there. Not even thinking about it.

  6. 6

    Pierced by the lovebite of the can opener, the chili sighed with relief as she spun lazily in a haze of lust. Soon she would drip slowly into a bold microwave-safe container, where a pound of cheap yet inexorable American cheese slices would coat her tender beans, layer after layer, until the chili would not know where she stopped and her American lover began. Nine minutes of ecstasy on high power alone, until the threesome began, the crisp and spicy Cool Ranch Dorito probing, plunging and dipping in for his pleasure. The simplicity—-no, the rightness of it all—-the magic of processed food brought to dizzying new heights of decadence and depravity.

    A perfect party dip for your birthday! Congrats!

  7. 7

    Happy Anniversary! I’m in the middle of kid-mess, but I’ll try to post a recipe later.

    And the idea of seman-based food created an amazingly disgusting first-thing-in-the-morning hork. Man, I love this site.

  8. 8
    Leeann says:

    Happy Anniversary!  Here’s to 4 more fabulous Smart Bitches Years!

  9. 9

    I don’t cook, so I don’t need any appliances.  But I think that peppermint-striped thing has some attachment by it that looks like a marital aid, and I used to have that crock pot, but I let something fester in it so long that I was too afraid to clean it out, and too ashamed for the garbage man to see it, so I buried it under a pine tree in the backyard and told my husband that I broke it.

    Happy Fourth, Smart Bitches!

  10. 10
    JoanneL says:

    Well there’s an hour of my life I’ll never get back & an hour of work I happily avoided … I clicked on the the link and read your first SBTB blogs and couldn’t stop at just one.

    Congratulations & Happy Anniversary!!!

  11. 11
    Tibbles says:

    Banana I’m Gonna Nut Bread Pudding
    Banana Nut Bread Part
    ( This is Two Recipes Combined To Make A Kick-A** Treat)
    1/2c. butter
    1c. sugar
    1 tsp. light brown sugar
    1/8 tsp. each cinnamon and nutmeg
    2 eggs
    1/2 tsp. vanilla
    3 overripe bananas
    1/2 tsp. salt
    1 tsp. baking soda dissolved in 2 Tbsp. buttermilk
    1/2c. nuts (your choice what kind I use walnuts)
    2 c. all purpose flour

    Cream butter and sugar.  Add in everything except flour and blend until creamy.  Slowly add flour.  Pour into greased loaf pan and bake @325 degrees for about 75 minutes.

    Bread Pudding Part
    Cut enough of the above loaf into chunks to cover the bottom of a 8” square baking dish(butter dish first).  Then pour the following mixture over top and bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes.
    2 Tbsp. melted butter
    3 eggs
    1/2c. white sugar
    1/4c. light brown sugar
    2c. milk
    1 tsp. vanilla
    1/2 tsp. each cinnamon and nutmeg
    Mix the ingredients well, pour over bread and bake for 45 minutes @ 350 degrees.

  12. 12
    Susanne says:

    /delurks to wish you a Very Happy Anniversary!

    I come here every day for insight, wisdom, giggles, and, I’ll admit it, the mantitty. Here’s to Four. Moar. Years!

  13. 13

    Wow, has it been four years already?  Hard (heh) to believe. 

    I’ll try and post a recipe later, but I just wanted to say Happy Anniversary Bitches!

  14. 14
    Becky says:

    Black bean & corn enchiladas:

    2 cloves garlic, chopped
    1 tbsp. olive oil
    1 small can chopped green chiles OR 1/4 cup diced jalepeno peppers
    1 can whole kernel corn, drained
    1 can black beans, drained
    1 cup ricotta cheese OR 1/2 cup ricotta cheese and 1/2 cup silken tofu OR 1 cup silken tofu
    2 cups pepper jack cheese
    1 cup sour cream
    20 whole wheat flour tortillas
    1 large can enchilada sauce

    Sautee garlic and olive oil in a saucepan, approximately 5 minutes. Add the chiles, corn, and black beans. Stir well and heat through. Add the ricotta/tofu or ricotta or tofu, sour cream, and 1 cup of pepper jack. Heat just long enough to melt the pepper jack. Spoon approximately 3 tbsp. of mixture onto each tortilla and roll them up. Place the enchiladas in a large glass casserole dish (it’s okay to squish them together). When the dish is full and all of the enchiladas are prepared, pour any excess filling on top of the enchiladas. Pour enchilada sauce over the tops of the enchiladas, making sure they are entirely covered. Sprinkle the other 1 cup of pepper jack on top. Bake at 425 degrees Farenheight for approximately 20 minutes.

  15. 15
    LoriSusan says:

    Happy Anniversary Bitches!!  The threat of a book filled with semen recipes promises no recipe from this bitch! However I am going to make Midkynt’s steaming hot potatoes this weekend! Serious yum factor!

  16. 16
    lexie says:

    Chicken Bleu
    ! bottle chilled white wine
    1 pound, pound pound of chicken breasts
    1/3 pound Sliced, lean, glistening prosciutto
    1/3 pound of spicy, mouthwatering cappicola
    1/3 pound of firm, rock hard provolone cheese
    Hotsa Mozarella, bread crumbs, egg

    Gently take the chicken breast into your hands, feeling the smooth, soft surface give under you fingertips. Admire the creamy pink flesh as you slide the breast onto your glistening countertop. Sigh, then reach for a solid, masculine, rock-hard, chiselled mallet and begin to prod the chicken. Slowly, at first, raise and lower the weight as you search for a relaxation…the spreading that indicates cooperation. Harder, now thrust the mallet towards the meat, spreading it ever thinner and thinner until you fear it might explode, shattering into a thousand points of chickeny brilliance.

    Panting, take a moment to rest and recover. Pour a glass of wine and savor its heady sweetness as it rolls across your tongue.

    Carefully let your fingers explore the prosciutto, peeling off one slice of the dark, pink aromatic food. Lay the prosciutto over the chicken breast, using slice after slice. You want the chicken embraced, blanketed completely. Now, allow the cappicola to stumble upon the unspecting pair before it joins the embrace. Finally, use the provolone as a linen, white sheet pulled up to cover the dewy freshness of the mingling meats.

    Sip more wine, your pouting lips pausing on the edge of the glass.

    Sprinkle bread crumbs, like tiny rose petals, over a bowl.  Tweaking the smooth white egg between your fingertips, bounce it against a counter top until you breach it’s resistance. Drop the egg into a bowl and use a fork to pierce the ripe mound. Stir, round and round until it falls into a dizzy, shapeless form.

    Dim the lights and sip more wine.

    Carefully, reach for the edge of the chicken. With trembling fingers, roll the chicken into a long, firm cylinder. Bolder, now, grasp the firm meat in your hand and plunge it into the creamy, slick egg. Slide your hands over the firm flesh and grab the chicken once more. Heaving it upwards, lower the length into the breadcrumbs. Allow them to cling, tightly forming a gauzy veil over the delectable dish.  Artfully arrange the coiled pieces in a baking vessel. Rain down mozzarella, like sweat dripping from a fevered bow. Yes, yes it is getting warmer as the oven heats to 350. Open wide the oven door and slide home the tender morsels where they will wait, steaming in ripe juiciness for 45 minutes.

  17. 17
    Jessica G. says:

    I can’t cook for the life of me, but I can wish the SmartBitches blog a happy birthday!

  18. 18
    Jessica says:

    Spicy, no one wants to really cook dinner pad thai
    Feeds 2 hungry people

    1 box rice noodles (thin or thick)
    1 bottle Padang peanut sauce
    I package chicken breasts or tenders ( a little less than a pound)
    5-6 green onions
    1 large lime or two small, quartered
    2 eggs

    Start a large pot of boiling water for the noodles
    Heat a large pan (I use a 12” heavy skillet) with some olive oil in it, on medium
    When hot, add chicken pieces and cook, turning once until lightly browned and cooked through
    Remove chicken to cutting board and cut into bite size pieces
    As soon as water boils, add noodles, stir and turn off heat.  Let site for 3 to 5 minutes or according to package directions.  Thick noodles take longer, thin noodles go quick!
    Drain noodles and rinse in cool water.  Let sit on counter. 
    Add diced green onions to hot pan, cook 1-2 minutes, then add eggs, stirring immediately so they break up
    Add noodles, and toss with eggs and onions.  This is where having a big pan matters.  Starting pouring on the peanut sauce and add chicken. 
    Keep stirring.  Add about 1/2 to 2/3 of the bottle, to taste. 
    Serve with limes to squeeze over noodles. 
    If you want it spicier, dice a small red chili pepper and add with onions.  Otherwise its medium spicy.

  19. 19
    Silver James says:

    Puffy Pillows of Love Cheesecake (or Sopapilla Cheesecake)

    2 (8 oz.) can crescent rolls
    2 (8 oz.) packages cream cheese, softened (guaranteed to get hard later)
    2 cups sugar, divided
    2 tsp. vanilla, divided
    1/2 cup melted butter
    ground cinnamon to taste

    Spray a 13 x 9 baking pan with Pam or any other female oil as lubrication. 
    Open one can of crescent rolls and sensuously press the white mounds of she dough to the bottom of pan. Seal holes together to form a crust of pillowed cushion.
    Blend together the cream(y) cheese, 1 cup sugar and 1 tsp vanilla with mixer until slick and fluffy.
    Spread over dough but do not go all way. . . to the edges, unless you are wearing finger condoms .
    Stretch second can of dough over cream cheese filling, seal together with other crust by pressing the edges together.
    Melt butter in a saucepan and add sugar, stirring slowly with a swirling in and out stroke. When butter is melted, remove from heat and add vanilla.
    Brush or pour all of the butter mix over top crust, then sprinkle generously with cinnamon.
    Bake at 350 for about 25-30 minutes or until golden brown.
    Let cool, then refrigerate before cutting into squares.

    Happy Birthday, Bitches! May you have many O’s to come!

  20. 20
    rebyj says:

    Screaming Orgasm

    3/4 oz Kahlua 3/4 oz Irish Cream 3/4 oz Amaretto 3/4 oz Vodka ice

    To shake, have hunky man bend you over the bar and bang well.

    HAPPY HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!

    I joined November 27, 2005 12:25 PM
    Although I had been reading awhile so I’m so proud to have watched you grow!

  21. 21
    TracyS says:

    Basic Chicken Soup

    Curvy Egg Noodles
    Low sodium chicken bouillon
    Boneless, succulent Chicken Breasts
    Phallic Carrots
    Celery Stalks

    ~*~*~*~*

    Fill large pot with water and bouillon. Put pot on stove and add heat until water shows it’s excitement by bubbling and boiling.  Add Succulent breasts to the water.  Also add phallic carrots and crisp stalks of celery.  Simmer for 1.5 hours.

    Cook curvy egg noodles separately. When they are ready, add the curvy noodles to the simmering water and breasts.

    Enjoy

  22. 22
    shaunee says:

    Solstice

    Ingredients:

    Gin.  Something aloof and arrogant like Hendrick’s or Junipero.  (Sinfully expensive crystal decanter to be thrown in a fit of pique optional.)

    Lemonade.  Not that watered down, luke-warm stuff from Almack’s either.  (Recipe within a recipe: six lemons, squeezed; simple syrup, cold water.)

    Green tea, freshly brewed.

    Cucumber, one-inch sliced, peeled and cut into quarters.

    Strawberries, two to three.  Remove head and cut into quarters.

    Brooding Rake, one (optional)

    Measurements:  to taste.

    Instructions:

    In a high ball glass, muddle cucumber and strawberry chunks.  Cover with crushed ice.  Mannerisms should be forceful and clipped as if barely holding onto your temper.  Fill glass to half with gin while verbally sparring with hero.

    (“I have no intention of allowing you to plunder what has taken my family generations to grow!”

    “Your choice is simply, my dear:  marry me or lose everything.”

    “You greedy bastard!”  (It is appropriate to throw the decanter here.  You may want to toss your curls disdainfully.)

    “Save your passion for our honeymoon.”

    “You can’t mean—you repulse me!”

    “In that case, you may want to stop falling into my arms and trembling with desire from my punishing kisses.  Gives the wrong impression.”  And so forth…)

    Add lemonade and top with green tea.

    Remove to a verandah or patio.  Recline on chaise and stare out at the sunset while you sip and contemplate the bleak turn your life has taken.  Be sure to blush hotly as you remember the details of last night and the way Brooding Rake made your body…

  23. 23

    Popping on to say HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to the coolest blog/website/bitches evah!!!!

    No recipe from me – I wouldn’t want to chance a win of that book.  Still can’t get over it.  Ewwwwwwwwwww.

    Verification word: “without68” LOL!  Good thing that didn’t say “without69” – Whatever would I do without some 69?! *snerk*

  24. 24
    Keira says:

    Luscious Nutty Goodness

    This deliciously sweet and salty creation starts with melting nirvana.

    Ingredients:
    1 12oz bag of semi-sweet Nestles morsels
    2 12oz bags of white chocolate Nestles morsels
    1 15/16oz can of salted peanuts

    You will also need a spoon of awesome, a spatula, a microwavable bowl, and at least two cookie sheets/trays/pans.

    Directions:
    1. Melt the morsels into a creamy smooth mixture by microwaving in bursts of 40 seconds. Stir between each firing.
    2. When the chocolate mass is thoroughly melted like a heroine from a hero’s kiss, pour in the entire can of peanuts and stir until chocolate coats everything.
    3. Taking spoon and spatula scoop out bite-size pieces onto your cookie trays. Do this until you have run out of peanuts.
    4. Save the leftover salted chocolate for some mouthwatering indulgence while you wait for the candy to finish.
    5. Place trays of candy into your refrigerator to harden like a hero’s quivering manhood over the next twenty or so minutes.
    6. Go back to number four and lick the bowl clean.
    7. When the twenty minutes are up pull out the trays and pop the candy off and place into tupperware containers. Best left in fridge when not eating, but can be left out.

    For variations change the types of morsels or add raisins.

    Clean up is easy, less than five minutes, not counting how long it takes to lick the bowl clean.

  25. 25
    Maria Lokken says:

    Happy Anniversary to two smart ass bitches!

  26. 26
    elianara says:

    Flying Jacob

    1 roasted or grilled chicken (or 1 chicken that you fry after cutting it)
    1 package bacon
    2 bananas
    1-2 dl chili sauce (up to you how hot you wanna make it)
    2,5 dl cream
    2 tablespoons ketchup
    peanuts

    All this makes a creamy and spicy casserole type dish.

    Cut the chicken into bite sized pieces. Fry the bacon crispy, drain it and when cool, crumble it. Peel and slices the bananas. Place the chicken, bacon and bananas in an oven proof dish. Mix the cream, ketchup (for the sweetness) and the chili sauce (for the spice) and pour it over the chicken. Sprinkle with two handfuls of peanuts. Bake in 175 degrees Celsius for about 30 minutes.

    If you don’t like bananas, use pineapple instead.

    Cook some rice and make a salad to go with the casserole.

  27. 27
    Tami Winbush says:

    Bachelor Chili

    1 pound of ground meat of choice (turkey, beef, venison, pork, chicken)
    1 can dark red kidney beans
    1 can light red kidney beans
    1 large can diced tomatoes
    1 jar of salsa (if you want hot chili, get hotter salsa, if you want milder chili, get mild salsa)

    Talk the man of your dreams (Sean Connery, he’s one hot old man!) to come in and cook this dish for you since it is Bachelor Chili.  Have him strip down and put on a cute little apron (we don’t want vital parts hurt in this process!).

    Have Sean (or man of your choice) brown the ground meat, in a large soup pot, until cooked.  Drain any residual fat and place back on the stove.  Have him open all of the cans and the jar.  Each of the next 4 ingredients should be thrown in randomly while you are making out with your hot man!  Have him stir, take you upstairs and make while passionate love.  By the time you are done (or if your man is like Sean, who forgot the Viagra, you can eat once you stir!) the chili is done too! 

    Enjoy!

    training66 – that’s good!  cause we have to train the men to cook the chili!

  28. 28
    Lissa says:

    Chocolate dipped Strawberries of Love

    Ingredients:
    1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
    1/2 cup milk chocolate chips (you can substitute all semi-sweet or all milk chocolate according to your own tastes)
    1 tbsp. shortening (do not use butter, margarine, or oil)
    2 pints fresh strawberries, rinsed and patted dry

    Directions:
    Spread fresh waxed paper over tray as though preparing your bed with fresh linens for your lover. Carefully place your deliciously decadent chocolate chips and the shortening in a medium microwave safe bowl. Melt at high for 1 minute. Gently stir as though testing the creaminess of a honey pot; if necessary, heat an additional 30 seconds or until chocolate is creamy and becomes smooth when vigorously agitated. Be ever so careful not to over-heat. One by one, dip each luscious, juicy strawberry into the chocolate until the bottom two-thirds is coated, much like a lover dipping his wick into his woman’s molten passage.  Shake gently to remove excess chocolate. Place on prepared tray.

    Cover and refrigerate approximately 1 hour, or until coating is as firm as you lover’s rampant manroot.

    For best results, share with someone you love within 24 hours.

    Congratulations to you on your 4th anniversay!  What a wonderful, informative fun place you have created here.  Here is to many more years of smart bitchery to come!

  29. 29
    darlynne says:

    Congratulations, Sarah and Candy! I thought SBTB had been around forever when I stumbled in here a few years ago, having no idea what was doing in the romance world. But look, thanks to the SBs, I’m smarter, I’m better informed and, gosh darn it, I read romance novels. Thanks for the awesomeness!

    Just a simple recipe and I’m not even going to try to compete with the truly sensuous ones above. With an absolute minimum of ingredients and effort, this appetizer is always a huge hit.

    Olive You (olive spread)
    1 small can chopped black olives
    1 jar green olives
    1 half jar roasted red peppers

    Chop green olives and roasted red peppers in a food processor. Combine with black olives in a serving bowl. Serve with crackers, bread, whatever. The spread lasts nearly forever so refrigerate any left over and enjoy.

  30. 30

    I’d enter but with my luck I’d win that cookbook. 

    Happy Anniversary!!

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