Time again for Romance Solves All Your Problems, except for that one with the thing that you didn’t tell your doctor about, naughty naughty.
Today’s letter is about friendship. Sort of.
I have this friend I’ve known for seven years. She’s unemployed and uninspired to find a job because she can mooch off of everyone, including me. So she spends her time blogging about her latest month-long boyfriend and telling the world how much she loves him, until he tells her he wants to spend time with his friends without her because she monopolizes his attention.
She gets pissed off and threatens to leave him and tells the whole wide internet what an asshole he is—and people agree with her and say that if they lived near her they would burn his house down. I am the lone reader who tells her she’s being irrational and selfish and The Boy Needs Friends. Big mistake. I’m attacked by her and her house-burning readers, because True Friends always have your back and agree with you no matter what. They don’t pull that Dan Savage crap, because that’s mean and cruel and if I don’t want to hear about what a jerk the boyfriend is and if all I have to say is mean mean mean then maybe we shouldn’t be friends because I just don’t appreciate her!!!
So now we’re no longer e-friends and I’m banned from responding. I could easily call or go to her house, but that would make the passive-aggressive a little Edward Cullen stalkery for my taste. Am I really that bad a friend for telling her she’s acting like a psycho bitch girlfriend with a boy she’s only been nailing for a month? If seven years of friendship can be washed down the drain because of a fight over a passive-aggressive blog post, should I just quite while I’m ahead and DTMFA? What would Secondary Character BFF do?
Now Relegated To Former-Friend Tertiary Character
So let me make sure I have this right: she mooches off of you and her other friends, she has an active blog life with many fangirls supporting her every move, and men don’t really stick with her because she expects the same attention from them as her fangirls give her.
You disagreed with her, presumably on her blog, and she’s banned you from commenting and you are no longer, as you put it, “e-friends.” You, and I say this gently, are a heroine I’d like to grab by the shoulders and shake a bit, and then offer a very strong cocktail.
This person is not your friend. Full stop. Friendship isn’t about worship, admiration, or blind support, and though calling her out in public on her site was an antagonistic thing to do, one would think seven years of real friendship would withstand that.
As far as calling or going to her house, if your friendship has existed mainly on the internet, that seems way out of bounds. Moreover, what would doing so accomplish? You want to repair your friendship with this person? What on earth for?
Every now and again you’ll see a heroine in a book who realizes her friends aren’t really her friends. Maybe they’re people she hangs out with out of habit, even though she doesn’t have much in common with them anymore, or maybe she realizes she’s grown up and they haven’t. Whatever the reason, friendships are not permanent entities, and her happy ending requires some new friends.
The internet can make people seem much bigger in their own minds than they really are. While she may be casting herself as the heroine of her own drama, emphasis on drama, this girl is not behaving like a heroine. I certainly wouldn’t want to read a romance about her.
Therefore you are not the secondary character. I’d argue you weren’t really her friend, bff, e- or otherwise because real friends can be honest with each other, and can weather fights without needing an army of readers to soothe the ego. Moreover, real friendships are more than just whether or not you can comment on someone’s site.
It is well past time for you to be the heroine and jettison this person who isn’t your friend in favor of people who are.