Covers Gone Fourth Anniversary

In tribute of our Fourth Anniversary, I decided to 1) come out of the Law School Cave, and 2) hunt down the finest representatives of our favorite targets of Cover Snarks Past. I searched far and wide (by which I totally mean: I trawled the Avon backlist and the Changeling Press website), and came up with some pretty excellent examples of Historical Titty, Indian Titty, Harlequin Titty and Poser Titty. Please enjoy!


Candy: Wolf Shadow’s promise? That he’s totally a heterosexual Indian man, not a gay Italian-American. All that product? Not his. Actually his “roommate’s”—Big Leather Daddy Bear.

Sarah: He’s so not going to keep Candy’s interpretation of that promise intact if she manages to get his hands below his belt. There’s no way his warrior’s staff is turgid and strong, not if he looks that worried and keeps grabbing her hands.


Candy: Hey, if you’re shagging a guy who shits roses, wouldn’t you look as smug as she does, too?

Sarah: What does it say about a man who is so in love with his own backside, he positions his shield behind him so as to catch his assflection at a moment’s notice? It says the following: nothing good.


Candy: (Warning: links are not especially work-safe.)

So. A gigantic white snake wrapped around a fey little man whose creampies are, apparently, coconut-flavored.

How fortuitous, because I’m sure it’ll come in handy (oh god) for the recipes in Natural Harvest: a Collection of Semen-Based Recipes. (Which one of you lucky fuckers is going to win the book today? Can’t wait to find out.)

You do realize he and his boyfriend are saddlebacking because they’re totally preserving their virginity for marriage, right? As Dan Savage said, they’re preserving the shit out of that virginity.

Sarah: I have totally seen that guy doing that same dance on the site, only instead of jumping for the joy of cream pie, he was celebrating falling interest rates on mortgages in my area.


Candy: I’d say homegirl isn’t too impressed with the toying-around skillz of Sawyer from Lost, if that snoring is anything to go by.

Sarah: Look closely: she’s totally drooling.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Suze says:

    Is Law School Cave anything like Ellora’s Cave?  Because that would be awesome.  That would be incentive to Stay In School.

  2. 2
    JoanneL says:

    Awww, now I’ll have to stop telling people that Sarah buried Candy in her backyard.

    Happy 4th Anniversary!

  3. 3
    rebyj says:

    Yay Cavegirl Candy LIVES!! Good to see you!!

    Love the anniversary cover snark. The drooling girl cracked me up. Evidently they’ve been married so long that her participation is optional.

  4. 4
  5. 5
    karmelrio says:

    That saddlebacking snake is totally gonna get busted for pedophelia.  That twink on the cover looks like he’s 12.  I suggest retitling the book “The Pederast’s Dream.”

  6. 6
    Victoria Dahl says:


    Happy Birthday Sarah and Candy!

    Now, I have a question for Smarter Bitches than I. I get what Bear and Cubs are, but what are Otters? Because I’d appreciate the email invites I get to join the Bear, Cub & Otter parties if I understood what I was getting myself into. Otter isn’t self-explanatory… unless we’re talking lithe, tall gentleman with greased back hair, and that seems like narrow niche. *guffaw*

  7. 7
    Silver James says:

    O.M.G. I…I’m speechless. And wondering if Historical Mantitty is also asking, like Creampie Snake, “what brown can do for you”…

    Glad to see Candy emerge for air, though!

  8. 8
    SonomaLass says:

    Wow.  No one invites ME to otter parties.

    Nice to see you, Candy, and congrats to both of you on your anniversary.  Since the fourth anniversary is traditionally “flowers and fruits,” I’d say that Mister “farts roses” and mister “dances with snake” have this one covered.

    I love the Savage Love link, btw—made me think “I’m in ur ass, savin’ ur virginity!”

    I love snoring drooling girl, seriously; I have so BEEN THERE and DONE THAT.  (And, may I add, DIVORCED THAT.)

  9. 9

    Candy!  You’ve been missed! 

    And I otter party more too!

  10. 10
    Stelly says:

    It’s nice to see some cover snark again.  :D

    Happy 4th Anniversary!

  11. 11
    MamaNice says:

    Ah, you have done so much for vocabulary.
    From “weenus” to “asshat/asshattery” to this latest addition: “assflection.”

    And I’m so glad you noted the drool…I feared we were delving into necro-realm here. Yikes.

    Congrats on 4 years of Hofftastic Awesomeness!

  12. 12
    Madd says:

    The Rose and The Shield – That shield is there to protect his ass from being ravaged by the gheys who surely all want to have teh buttsecks with him.

    Just Toying Around – An ode to the joys of GHB. Seriously? It makes me think of that Flickerstick song “Chloroform The One You Love”

    An Otter is like a Bear, but not as big and they’re more playful. There are also Wolves who are a leaner, more aggressive version of the Otters.

  13. 13
    Collette says:

    Yay, you ARE alive!  Happy Anniversary to you both.  (I don’t have anything witty to say but can we pretend that I do?)

  14. 14
    Elizabeth Wadsworth says:

    The last two are really worrisome.  Snake boy is totally underage, and the last guy is just toying around by injecting his date with Rohypnol.

  15. 15
    SonomaLass says:

    @Darlene Marshall:  GROAN!

  16. 16
    Julia says:

    I love all of the Cover Snarks you’ve done – but the farting roses takes the cake.

    Happy 4th anniversary!

  17. 17
    lil says:

    Hey, the author of Wolf Shadow’s Promise also wrote Night Thunder’s Bride
    I might have to buy this because my man is also known as Night Thunder.  Maybe I can get some tips from it because we are having Mexican food for dinner and he’s gonna be night thundering all night long.

  18. 18
    Kimberly says:

    Congratulations on the anniversary!

    And oh my goodness I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard…  That poor baby on “Coconut Cream Pie”… hehehehe

  19. 19
    Madd says:

    we are having Mexican food for dinner and he’s gonna be night thundering all night long.

    Around here we don’t call that night thunder, we blame it on barking tree spiders. *lol*

  20. 20
    Midknyt says:

    Nice to see you, Candy, and congrats to both of you on your anniversary.  Since the fourth anniversary is traditionally “flowers and fruits,” I’d say that Mister “farts roses” and mister “dances with snake” have this one covered.

    I so forsee a need for a Smart Bitches/Romance Novel version of the anniversary gifts.  We obviously know that the fourth is for semen cookbooks, but what about all the others?

    As for the covers, did you notice Mr. Shits Roses totally has a French manicure?

  21. 21
    Lovecow2000 says:

    Happy Birthday! Y’all are exactly half my oldest child’s age. 1/30 was a great day to start all this. 

    Anyway, I am amazed that no comments were made about the spear thrusting up the side of Wolf Shadow’s Promise. Frankly it looks like a dick, a big, circumsized one at that.

  22. 22
    sadieloree says:

    On the fourth cover, she’s totally faking it. Sleep, that is. 

    Maybe if I pretend to be sleeping he’ll go away. I said I was tired, dammit. Maybe I should drool for effect…”

    He just can’t take a hint.

  23. 23
    pissed off one says:

    All the Bitches are indeed Smart.
    They can turn words into art.
    They will always be at the center of our heart.

    Life without any one of them is boring;
    We’ll be in trouble if any one of them goes missing.
    There’s a book that they are writing;
    And when they’re done, in this website they’ll be coming.

    Together again, they will be forever.
    We won’t have to wait for one of them again-never!
    They will be with us, they will try and endeavor!
    We should all keep our hopes up higher.
    To have some Candy is our only desire.
    We love them all, and also admire!
    They’re book will be so hot, it’ll be on fire!

    Reading their book will be all well and fun;
    Everyone will read it, even a tight assed nun!
    We’ll be so happy, to express it, we’ll fire in mid-air a gun!
    But then a sadder note hits me like the power of a thousand sun…

    This book’ll last us maybe two or three days;
    And two, or was it three years that we had to pay.
    Of what? Of Candy not being in the midst of our bay.
    Could we tolerate it again? Nay!
    ‘Tis too steep a price, indeed I should say!

    Oh, what to do then?
    I asked of my friend, Ben;
    Says he: “Candy can come here more often, yes she can!
    “If not, will you hide in an underground, wolves den?
    “And come out sporadically to express your sadness in paper and pen?”

    Say I: “Why not? Candy is my idol and she does it in writing!
    “To keep it up is the only way we can go on fighting.
    “For if Sarah is the heart then Candy is the soul; and with just one of them gone missing,
    “Life will just be one meaningless contest of pissing.
    “Instead of it being that of one loveliness, intelligence, and friendliness and kissing.”


  24. 24
    Trix says:

    Yep, otters are smaller hairy guys who will never make it to full-on beardom. Cubs are baby bears (they’re young, but still hairy and chunky).

    And yay saddlebacking reference! Getting it out there. :-D

    /asked69 – no need to ask!

  25. 25
    eaeaea says:

    Happy 4th, ladies.
    Love that cover snark, full of quotable quotes, and flashbacks to images I’d rather forget.
    Keep the humour coming…please

  26. 26
    sandra says:

    Wolf Shadow’s “lady” friend has man-sized hands and I can’t make out what toy the Just Toying Around guy is about to use, but I’m sure it will wake her out of her stupor.  Spamword is western68, as in 68 westerns with covers featuring non-native ‘Indians’ in skimpy loincloths.

  27. 27
    Candy Kane says:

    You couldn’t make a “roofie/date rape” joke about the last one? What’s wrong? Too un-PC for you, or was it too predictable?

  28. 28
    Reality Helix says:

    Does anyone else think that the guy in the last cover looks like he’s gonna clock the sleeping girl in the head at first glance?

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