Eight Crazy Nights: Songs. Outrageous Songs.

Have a look at this festive tree. Go on, gaze up on it.

For today’s giveaway, we can ponder this beautiful image and get creative. What better way to be inspired than by 9’ Pre-Lit White Crystal Pine Upside Down Artificial Christmas Tree. And as you gaze upon the inverted, perhaps subverted, wonder, ask yourself this burning, delightful question:

What Christmas carols would have been written had all trees looked like 92-pound $800.00 upside-down white-frosted vaginas?

Because this is CLEARLY a case for a ding dong merrily on high.

Leave your suggestion, your parody, or your suggestive carol goodness in the comments during the next 24 hours, and winner gets NOT that tree. No, I wouldn’t do that. The horror! The winner will get a $50 gift certificate to Amazon.com, suitable for purchasing many, many joyful things.

[Thanks to Iron Lesbian #2 for the link].

Comments are Closed

  1. 1

    That thing looks like Satan’s IUD. Or Hell’s own FUD.

    In which case, I suppose “I’m Peeing on a White Whizmas” might be appropriate, but it’s not a carol :)

  2. 2
    m3t says:

    Oh Tanner!  You’re DeBaum!

  3. 3
    ev says:

    We Three Kings (of Orient need a real woman)

  4. 4
    Leslie H says:

    Phal la la la la, la la la lus…..

    (To the tune of Deck the Halls)

    Or of course the classic Jingle Balls!

  5. 5
    Alex says:

    ‘Twas three weeks before Christmas
    And all through the house
    Not a creature was stirring
    Not even a mouse.

    Poor James was fifteen,
    Precisely the age that makes Dad’s thoughtlessness so mean
    For what boy deserves to see
    Clear as day,
    A white frosted vajayjay
    Instead of a Christmas tree?

    Poor Jimmy, bless his heart, he couldn’t stop looking
    And his mother’s laughter was smothered by the sound of cooking.
    Dear daddy was clueless, he wondered why his son was so red
    When sweet little Kimmy, age 6, got out of bed.

    She came down the stairs, dragging Mr. Scruff
    And when she saw the tree, she hugged the cuddly fluff.
    She thought for a moment, and said “Daddy, is that the tree picked by you?”
    “Yes, Kimmy-dear,” said Daddy.
    “Oh, good,” said Kimmy.
    “For a second, I thought it was a fuzzy white hoo-hoo.”

  6. 6
    Lori Ann says:

    O Come, All Ye Horny

  7. 7
    Chantel says:

    God Rest Ye Merry Merkin.

  8. 8

    Oh, dear. That does indeed look like a big white vulva. What in the world could they have been thinking?

  9. 9
    Babs says:

    Wow. Just wow. 9’ of white holiday cheer. I’m sure I should be able to come up with something but am just stunned…

  10. 10

    I’m dreaming of a white Christmas tree…

    No, actually, they’re more like nightmares!

  11. 11
    Jen C says:

    Frosty Tree for presents, now with more vagina,
    for the greedy and the needy and the sexually confused,
    singing “more presents if you can!”

  12. 12
    Peggy P says:

    But there are only 2 left…do you think they started with 10 and sold 8… is that possible?

  13. 13
    SaraC says:

    Winter Wonderland

  14. 14
    Mellie says:

    Oh holy something… just wow.  I’ve seen the upside down green trees, but in sparkling white, it’s somehow more.. something.

  15. 15
    Susan G says:

    Wow!
    I can only offer the first thing that popped into my head:

    “Oh Come Let Us Adore It!”

  16. 16
    darlynne says:

    One fuzzy white g-string for the holidays: $799.99
    Getting it wrapped and under the tree in time for Christmas: $7.00
    The look on Mary Sue’s face when she opens that box: priceless

  17. 17
    MamaNice says:

    My apologies to the Good Doctor.

    Then the Grinchette thought of something she hadn’t before!
    “Maybe Christmas,” she thought, “doesn’t come from a store.
    “Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!”

    And what happened then…?
    Well…in Who-ville they say
    That the Grinchette’s small coochie
    Grew three sizes that day!
    And the minute her cooch didn’t feel quite so tight,
    She whizzed with her load through the bright morning light
    And she brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
    And she…

    ..SHE HERSELF…!
    The Grinchette lurved the roast beast!

  18. 18
    Chris says:

    Really can’t beat the lolcats: “Deck the halls with barfed up holly!”

  19. 19
    Vicki says:

    Oh, Cum, Oh, Cum, Emmanuel

    or

    I’m Dreaming of a Tight White Cervix

    or

    wait, my daughter says I can’t read these in front of my grandson.

    Sorry.  I guess the Jingle Balls version will have to wait.

  20. 20
    Jessica says:

    Oh, man. That’s terrible. And I just couldn’t resist!  Please sing along to the tune of “The Christmas Song” (“Chestnuts roasting” and all that….)

    Vajayjays sitting in the living room
    The yeast smell nipping at your nose
    Dirty jokes being sung by a choir
    And folks dressed up like penises.
    Everybody knows a vajayjay and some mistletoe
    Help to make the season bright
    Tiny tits with their nips all aglow
    Will find it hard to sleep tonight

  21. 21
    Melissandre says:

    Instead of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” perhaps, “I Saw Daddy Kissing Mommy’s Drawers”?  What about “Deck the Halls with K-Y Jelly?”

  22. 22
    Venus Vaughn says:

    The Fluffy Muff of Christmas

  23. 23
    Marilyn says:

    Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire
    Jack Frost nipping at your twat

  24. 24
    DeeCee says:

    I’m dreaming of some white thong undies….

    I want a white vajayjay for Christmas…only a white vajajay will do….

  25. 25
    Spider says:

    [I think that “Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring” is suggestive holiday goodness (but then, I was the one chortling everytime I heard “blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord” as a teen).]

    But, in true response to the image, which makes me think of ejaculate in sub zero temperatures: “He (it) Came Upon a Midnight Clear!”

  26. 26
    Lori says:

    My first thought was that “O Come All Ye Faithful” will never seem the same to me again.

  27. 27
    Deena says:

    (begging forgiveness in advance…)

    Grandma got run over by a reindeer
    walkin’ home from our house Christmas eve.
    You can say there’s no such thing as Santa.
    But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

    She’d been drinkin’ too much egg nog.
    And we’d begged her not to go.
    But she’d forgot her medication,
    and she staggered out the door into the snow.

    When we found her Christmas mornin,’
    at the scene of the attack.
    There wasn’t much around of my poor grandma
    just a snow-covered vulva and her back.

    Now we’re all so proud of Grandpa.
    He’s been takin’ this so well.
    See him in there watchin’ football,
    drinkin’ beer and playin’ cards with cousin Belle.

    It’s not Christmas without Grandma.
    All the family dressed in black.
    And we just can’t help but wonder:
    Should we open up her gifts or send them back?

    Now the goose is on the table.
    And the pudding made of fig.
    And a christmas tree of vulva,
    that perfectly matches the hair in Grandma’s wig.

    I’ve warned all my friends and neighbors.
    “Better watch out for yourselves.
    “Or your vulva will be stapled to your spine,
    And decorated with your heart and valves.”
    . . .

  28. 28
    catburglar says:

    Honestly, the carol did most of the work for me (original text here.

    Oh, come, oh, come, Emmanuel,
    And ransom captive Isabelle,
    Who groans in lovely exile here
    Until the Son of God appear.
    Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
    Shall come in you, O Isabelle!

    Oh, come, under the vulva tree,
    Which ordered all things mightily;
    To you the path of orgasm will show,
    and teach you in her ways to go.
    Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
    Shall come in you, O Isabelle!

    Oh, come, oh, come, oh man of might,
    Who to your bride on Christmas night
    Before the fire gave sweet caress
    Through the satin of her dress.
    Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
    Shall come in you, O Isabelle!

    Oh, come O Rod of Jesse’s stem,
    And dare to raise that lacy hem.
    Trust that the might of your staff
    Will bring your vict’ry at the last.
    Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
    Shall come in you, O Isabelle!

    Oh, come, O Key of David, come,
    And open wide your heav’nly “home;”
    Make safe the way that leads through your thighs,
    And deafen him with lustful cries.
    Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
    Shall come in you, O Isabelle!

  29. 29
    EmilyYS says:

    For some reason, “O Come All ye Faithful” keeps popping into my head when I look at that “tree.”

  30. 30

    Upside-down white frosted ‘ginas
    Glittering merrily tonight
    This frozen muff reaching for the sky was
    Filling my di-iii-ing dong with delight

    Gloooooooooooooooooooria~ white frosted vaginas
    Gloooooooooooooooooooria~ white frosted vagi-iiii-naaas

    Even so I don’t know, don’t know
    What prompted this odd tradition
    And “oh, oh, oh!”
    Mrs. Claus must be singin’

    Gloooooooooooooooooooria~ white frosted vaginas
    Gloooooooooooooooooooria~ white frosted vagi-iiii-naaas

    My ‘Matin Chime’ was delightfully primed,
    Ye swingers
    By this salacious Evetime rhyme
    (And a couple of fingers!)

    Gloooooooooooooooooooria~ white frosted vaginas
    Gloooooooooooooooooooria~ white frosted vagi-iiii-naaas

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