My friend Schwern, by means unknown to God and Internet, found this little gem of a poster and promptly forwarded it to me:
Saucy, indeed. So saucy, Sarah and I decided we need to hold a contest for a Burma Shave-style doggerel contest. The prize? A $20 gift certificate to Babeland, where you can get any number of things, including any number of love sauces that hopefully won’t burn as much as Burma Sauce (not that there’s anything wrong with the burning, if you’re into that).
The rules:
Contest runs until midnight on Monday, 11/10/2008.
Submit your doggerel in the comments.
Winner will be picked by Sarah’s and my discerning judgment for terrible poetry.
Some verses to serve as inspiration:
Sarah:
Two cocks, one hole
I heard you say?
Only this
Can smooth the way…
Burma Sauce
As you drive down
the highway Hershey
Be a man
and show some mercy.
Burma Sauce.
Candy:
(Note about the reference to eel porn: If you Google “Japanese eel porn,” the top hit will link to the inspiration for my verse. So. Um. Yeah. Not going to link to it directly.)
The eels go where?
I dared to ask
I must endure
This slip’ry task
Burma Sauce
The well is spent
The hole is dry
To ease the the path
You’ll have to try
Burma Sauce
The BIG MAN’s Friend
One drop works wonders
Just slap it on the end
Burma Sauce
* I’m pretty sure the ” one drop works wonders” is plagarized from some commercial but I can’t recall which…but here’s the disclaimer anyway!*
When you hear your partner’s cries
Saying “stop, stop, I’m too small,”
With Burma Sauce the answer lies
Slick on, and one size fits all.
I was flowing like a river
And was heard to Kwai
It really makes me quiver
Burma Sauce
When you’re ‘bout to “save a life,”
be it one-night-stand or wife,
Burma Sauce will ease her strife!
or
Want to try some
Back door loving?
Don’t be a brute!
Please stop your shoving!
Burma Sauce
Like a desert in your nethers?
Trouble fitting in your leathers?
Come down from St. Andrew’s Cross;
Show that dryness just who’s boss!
Burma Sauce.
In the fine tradition of the PSA ads:
We all know
The zombie threat
So lock your doors
And don’t forget
Burma shave
A dude
Who thrusts
mantitty wide open
Is not thinking
He’s just hoping
Burma Sauce
Or
If you come
backdoor route
or down the tube
When going there
Please to lube
Burma Sauce
Mansecks huge or
Mansecks small
Burma Sauce will
Lube them all
Burma Sauce!
If your ‘backdoor man’s’
Hung like a horse
Friction only
Makes it worse!
Burma Sauce!
You want to make your ass-secks rock?
Use Burma Sauce to slick your cock!
Burma Sauce!
(btw? My husband came over to see what I was doing on the computer as I was writing this. Uhm… he seems to think my afterlife plans need to include all of you, a kiddie pool full of ice and a giant fan. I don’t know why he thinks this…)
I like my secks
in back and front
it turns me on
when my man does grunt
Burma Sauce!
If your pussy’s all dry
And your backdoor is too
Put a drop on his cock
And you’ll both yell “WHOOO HOOOO!”
Burma Sauce
To Sarah Palin and John McCain
You know we won’t forget’cha
But here’s a salve to sooth the pain
Poll results go where? You betcha!
Oh yeah…
…Burma Sauce
The only sauce
I dare give father
Since he began
to dom in leather
Burma Sauce
Be a good girl
dab it on!
Cream’s last year
Let’s get it on.
Burma Sauce
Here’s my gal;
I’m in her end.
Introduced her to
“My little friend”
Burma Sauce
Don’t know my baby
Daddy’s name
What did I drink
that was to blame?
Burma Sauce
My boyfriend hearkens
From Rangoon
He likes to come
Atop my poon.
Burma Sauce.
About those Bhrothers, oh so fine…
Steamy sex scenes – make them all mine!
Wherever their Bhlack Dhaggers go
Thoughtful Bhrothers in the khnow bring
Bhurma Shauce!
In haiku form:
The sauce makes the ass
double penetratable
Call it Burma Sauce.
Or limerick:
There was a sauce from Burma
placed on a gal named Irma
Irma took it
Where she shook it
And it made Irma do the Burma-squirma.
God I love doing these things!
There’s a universal truth:
A lack of foreplay’s so uncouth!
Here’s how you impress your dame,
And make her want to scream your name.
Use some of our Burma Sauce
If the sheets you wish to toss.
Burma Sauce
If your world’s a bit unmanned
We can lend a helping hand.
Though there’s no one to embrace
What helps you make your best O-face?
Burma Sauce
To boldly go
Where no man’s gone,
Use some of this,
Then get it on!
Burma Sauce.
When delving in
Those holes of glory
Apply, or else
Things could get hoary.
Burma Sauce.
You met a fine wench
In a tavern—
Time to explore
Her cinnabar cavern.
Burma Sauce.
Throbbing manhoods.
Velvet steel;
Without this stuff
They’ll chafe and peel.
Burma Sauce.
Your little friend
Would say hello?
Pour this on first
Or she’ll say no!
Burma Sauce.
If “Yes, oh, yes!”
You’d hear him cry
Make sure right now
He won’t be dry.
Burma Sauce.
When Grignr wants
To bone a lass
He spills this on
Her rounded mounds of globular pale posterior flesh shining like unto two grand luminescent moons only slightly less craggy.
Burma Sauce.
His “wife”? A horse,
And when they play
He knows just what
Will make her neigh.
Burma Sauce.
Whether you’re
Sub, dom, or furry
You’ll get slippery
In a hurry:
Burma Sauce.
So you’ve read
That dolphin FAQ
And want to give
Fish sex a crack?
Burma Sauce.
(All due apologies to Jim Theis.)
When you’re about to “Save a life”
Don’t forget to grease your wife.
Burma Sauce
SMTB is obsessed with ferrets,
And claims mantitty has its merits
Now they add to their cause
With the infamous Burma Sauce!
Word22… I think I use more than just 22
When two hunky men
want to try a ménage,
pull out the only lube
that prevents butt fromage!
Burma Sauce.
When you’re looking around
for someone to screw,
only one sauce will work
to protect your hoo-hoo.
Burma Sauce.
If you like oral, anal
or straight up the hoo-hoo,
It’s the all-purpose sauce
that eveyone can use!
Burma Sauce.
When bent over a chair
or the back of a car,
keep some on hand
to make your lover say “Wrrar!”
Burma Sauce.
My spam word was special11. And this is so special, isn’t it?
When your manroot has a twitch
And you want to rip her bodice
Read a bit of Smart Bitch
And put a drop inside your codpiece
Burma Sauce
His lady shied
From backdoor blisses
But who’s to blame
If his aim misses?
Burma Sauce
Though you travel near and far,
To England, Rome, or Myanmar,
Put Burma Sauce inside your pack,
And use it when you hit the sack!
My confirmation? With 46!
My, that’s an awful lot of dicks!
What helps a girl survive such force
Without leaving her hoo-ha coarse?
Burma Sauce
True story: a few years ago, my significant other was doing the NY Times crossword, and the clues were based on the Burmashave ads. He asked if I knew what they were. “Yes,” said I, “They were a series of ads by the side of the highway, spelling out a rhyme, like – If you want to get a chick / Put Burmashave on your dick.” Then I realised what I had just said and burst out laughing. I still think it was pretty good for an impromptu. So change Burmashave to Burmasauce and that’s my entry.
And I’m on a roll!
What helps a man achieve his stride
And ease the paths down which he’ll glide?
What product has the lucky trick
To make her cootchie nice and slick?
Burma Sauce
Romance heroes all attest
That bedding virgins ain’t the best.
Yet romance writers inist they do it.
What helps these manly studs “go through it?”
Burma Sauce
Down the throat
Or up the ass
With Burma Sauce
The ride’s first class!
Burma Sauce.
Having a partner
Would be grand.
For now its sauce
In the hand.
Burma Sauce
—-
It tingles, it burns,
It gets me hot.
Burma Sauce
Sure hits the spot!
Burma Sauce
Back for round 2!
If your lovers’ cock is rough
when he puts it up your duff,
Burma sauce will smooth the way –
he can bugger you everyday!
Burma Sauce.
For dry hoo-hoo’s
or a crusty cock,
always keep
some Sauce in stock.
Burma Sauce.
“I’m fucking her ass,
saving her life.
Hand me some Sauce
so I can get it done right!”
Burma Sauce.
spam word feel63 – does that mean I have to feel 63 things or I get felt 63 times I wonder.
I got nothing.
I think the Japanese eel porn I Googled did permanent damage….
My spamword is returned67, which is about the number of eels squirming up that woman’s…oh, nevermind. *shudder*
‘Had’ to check out
Eel porn site.
Now must proceed
To rinse eye whites
With Burma Sauce!
Buttsecks rough to
buttsecks easy.
One drop and
your cock is greasy.
Burma Sauce.
When pleasuring more than one fella/man
Keep a large supply on hand.
For all your holes, be they large or small
Burma Sauce,
One size fits All!
Burma Sauce
See him wink?
You get the point.
Sauce it up
And hear him oink!
Burma Sauce
(via Deliverance)
Before handling a massive prick
run to the cupboard double-quick.
Just a dab or two of this elixer
will keep things moving as he sticks ‘er.
If you find fucking
can cause a sting,
pour Burma Sauce
over everything.
From mantitty to pussy fair
get that slick stuff everywhere!
Burma Sauce.
I just can’t seem to stop myself.
Here’s another one.
For horny girl or “saucy” lad
you need us if your fucking’s bad.
Prick too big or hole too dry?
Quick, give our lube a try!
Burma Sauce.
Oh, and my spamword is head85. Insert your own filthy thought here.
If there’s burning
In your anus
A drop of sauce
Will ease the pain-us
Burma Sauce
Does he want
Your ass to fuck
Try a drop
Of oily muck!
Burma Sauce
Boys will be boys
With lots of screaming
Try some sauce
If you want creaming!
Burma Sauce
Ye gods… I could do this all day!
Are you unsure?
Or at a loss?
Don’t be afraid.
Use Burma Sauce!
If your hubby’s in the mood
but you don’t want to touch his lil’ dude,
hand him some Sauce and to him say
“Do it yourself, now go away!”
Burma Sauce.
Getting horny but no one’s there?
Have no fear, do not despair!
Take some Sauce (and yourself) in hand
and you’ll soon come to beat the band.
Burma Sauce.
If your new love is not a Fred,
but rather is a “Mr. Ed”
you’ll need some help to seal the deal.
Use Burma Sauce or else you’ll squeal.
Burma Sauce.
Finding it hard to get some love?
Can’t get it in without push and shove?
Rub a few drops on you or him
and he’ll soon fill you to the brim!
Burma Sauce.
A cock in the hole’s
Worth two in the bush
Have some grease
To help him push
Burma Sauce!
The love that dare not speak it’s name?
With Burma Sauce, it’s all the same!
With man or beast, or partners five,
Why, even if they’re not alive!
We’ll never cast judgment upon
The way that you get your groove on.
Burma Sauce
Orgies can be such a pain!
Just count the “o’s” you have to feign!
If many times you wish to come
Just try our sauce and you’ll succumb.
Burma Sauce