The Press May be Small, But the WTF is Mighty

The presses, they may be small, but the WTFery perpetrated by the following covers is as mighty as it is wide. Fear them.

 

From Jane and Robin we have:

image

Sarah: I’d like to thank this cover for highlighted the importance of a breast self-exam, particularly at the opportune moment when one is stark naked and betwixt two stay-puft marshmallow men.

Candy: I have never seen a woman look so superfluous in a menage cover, ever. Look at them! The guys are all “Ew! Boobs! Man-nape on, the other hand…NOM NOM NOM.” And the chick’s all “But…but? Boobs? I has them. OK, how ‘bout I make an O-face? will that make it better? Guys? …guys?”

From Karen S we have:

image

Sarah:: Say it with me now: “When the burning, itching, and soreness of hemorrhoids flare up….” Fiachra’s Kiss will turn your ass into a flaming, burning world of hurt.

Candy: Man, how much does it suck to have your book confused for a Terrance and Phillip movie?

And from Erastes, we have:

image

Sarah: I opened this file and literally said out loud, “Oh, God. No.”  The poor butterfly. A perfectly acceptable image tossed into slimy pit of bad Photoshop hair, bad Photoshop skin, bad Photoshop horns, a miserable excuse for a Photoshop tail, and on top of all that, Bacchus’s badly Photoshopped son is humping a tree. That poor butterfly. Every one of its 12,000 ommatidia must be screaming.

Candy: You know what I think when I see that sassy little tail? I think of a poor, misguided chipmunk spelunkin’ for nuts. Except they’re not quite the nuts he wants or needs.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1

    Um.  Wow.

    They couldn’t burn/dodge the rest of Bacchus jr.‘s body?  Did the budget run out right at his neck?

    spam: while78.  As in, “After seeing these covers, I might need to lie down a while… for like, 78 minutes.”

  2. 2
    Sianne says:

    His head is a completely different color.  Maybe it’s Maybelline.

  3. 3
    Katie Ann says:

    I cannot believe someone got paid to do that last cover.  Or that, upon completing it, they thought it was good enough to submit and that someone actually approved it!  What do they reject?!

  4. 4
    Anya says:

    That is one twisted fantasy: A man with fire coming out of his butt and no head.  I’m really afraid of where else he might be sprouting flames…or what else he might be missing *shudder*.  Poor guy…

  5. 5
    Jaci Burton says:

    his penis is on backwards.

  6. 6
    Randi says:

    It’s just gotten to a point where I *cannot* look at covers for erotic books. They are all just soooooooooooooooooo bad. Bad. Not bad, as in Michael Jackson bad, but bad as in: should be relagated to the depths of graphic design Hell.  *shivers* ugh.

    function47: clearly these graphic designers do NOT know 47 functions of Photoshop.

  7. 7
    Maggie says:

    Lol. Dreamspinner’s covers are usually so-so but some of them make my eyes bleed. If you think “Children of Bacchus” is bad, check out “Covenant in Blood.”

    http://dreamspinnerpress.com/currenttitles/bloodseries/partnershipinbloodseries.htm

    Though I guess that could be a case of ugly models, or whatever they did to make the models look ugly.

  8. 8
    Rose says:

    A Terrance and Phillip movie… Candy, I think I love you.

  9. 9
    Tina M. says:

    I’ll start scrap booking with a collection of these kind of covers. These are great!

  10. 10
    Rebecca says:

    These covers are really scary. Breathtakingly bad. Objectively bad.

    These are travesties of illustration and print design.

    Please, folks, do not refer to the perpetrators of these covers as graphic designers. Doing so is an offense to all trained graphic designers out in this wide wonderful world.

    @Maggie: Hard viewing indeed! I got a headache….;)

  11. 11
    Joanne says:

    Jaci Burton said
    his penis is on backwards.

    Where? Where? Where do you SEE that?????  LMAO!

    Those covers…. soooo much WTF on one page, I’m too old for those kinds of surprises, I almost swallowed my tea bag.

  12. 12
    JenTurner says:

    Wow. Those are…I can’t even find the words to express how bad. But this is a really good moment to remind all the readers out there that it’s not often an author gets any kind of control over their cover.

    Now, if we could just get the guy from cover two into cover one…he’d probably feel a lot better and she might actually look interested.

  13. 13
    karmelrio says:

    It’s just gotten to a point where I *cannot* look at covers for erotic books. They are all just soooooooooooooooooo bad. Bad. Not bad, as in Michael Jackson bad, but bad as in: should be relagated to the depths of graphic design Hell.  *shivers* ugh.

    Jeebus, no wonder we’re still fighting for credibility.  There is just no excuse for…these.  WTF was the editor/publisher smoking?  Pass it over, dudes. 

    But this is a really good moment to remind all the readers out there that it’s not often an author gets any kind of control over their cover.

    Like that’s any consolation.  These authors have every bit of my sympathy, because these covers are effin’ kryptonite.

  14. 14
    Jessa Slade says:

    I almost swallowed my tea bag.

    Um, this could make an interesting cover in the same style as those above, if you used it in the slang instead of the literal sense.

  15. 15
    Iasmin says:

    Must remember to put down teacup before opening these things, dammit.

    /em trundles off to find a towel to wipe down the computer

  16. 16
    Elizabeth Wadsworth says:

    At first glance, I thought the first one was some kind of take-off on that famous Three Graces sculpture, what with the position of the main players and all.  But whatever Liquid Crystal they’re floating in makes all three looks like they have really bad cellulite.

    As for the other two:  What the hell were they thinking?  I mean really, what the hell were they thinking?!

  17. 17
    shuzluva says:

    Re: Fiachra’s Kiss, I was lauging as I did the scroll-down. It made me think of Michael Kors when he yelled “She’s pooping fabric!” In this case, he’s shitting flames.

    Terrance and Phillip. Candy, I am not going to be able to stop singing the Terrance and Phillip song now. Very work appropriate.

  18. 18
    ev says:

    You know what I think when I see that sassy little tail? I think of a poor, misguided chipmunk spelunkin’ for nuts.

    are we positive it isn’t a chipmunk stuck up his ass?

    Really, I should not sit down and open this site when I get home from work without going to the bathroom first.

  19. 19
    Silver James says:

    *blink*  *cringe*  *shudder*

    Uhm. Ow. Just OWWWWWWWW!

  20. 20
    Eunice says:

    You know what I think when I see that sassy little tail? I think of a poor, misguided chipmunk spelunkin’ for nuts. Except they’re not quite the nuts he wants or needs.

    Should not look at horrible covers while eating, it causes the choking dontcha know. I nearly died, Candy. You hilaritude nearly killed me.

  21. 21
    rm says:

    @Maggie: -That is just scary! Why would anyone stick those Photoshop-mutant dudes on the cover? They totally ruin the picture of that beautiful building.
    And above, in “Alliance in Blood”, I really enjoy the penis -I mean building!- in the background.

  22. 22
    Maggie says:

    rm:

    They totally ruin the picture of that beautiful building.

    I know… I can’t even find the words to describe how revolting & totally UN-erotic that cover is.

    And above, in “Alliance in Blood”, I really enjoy the penis -I mean building!- in the background.

    OMG! This is the first time I’ve noticed the penis too! You have sharp eyes.

  23. 23
    Kathy says:

    So, this is what they meant by firecrotch???

  24. 24
    Lyra says:

    These are jokes, yes? They are purposely bad photoshop jobs making fun of bad covers, yes?

    No? *runs screaming into the night*

  25. 25
    PK says:

    his penis is on backwards.

    LOLOLOL!

  26. 26

    And this is why I love you bitches!  OMG. Chipmunk. Ass.  I think I haz to bleach my eyez now.

  27. 27
    Jennie says:

    Why do women think they can always make the gay guys go straight—they clearly aren’t into getting some “bearded clam action”.
     
    Breast exam gal reminds me of that Austin Powers scene with the Fembots and Austin

    dancing

    to that song “I touch myself”.

    Pass that man some preparation H (gee, that was in Austin Powers too—maybe we’re onto something—it wasn’t chipmunk spelunking in the Austin Powers movie—it was the girl putting the suppository shaped transmitter up Fat Bastard’s bum, but maybe she’s a shapeshifter in disguise.

    Start71—start looking for all 71 references to Austin Powers .

  28. 28
    Sarah says:

    ow.

  29. 29
    amy lane says:

    Oh Jesus… someone… go get little Chippy out of there… that’s not ri-ight! 

    And really, there IS place where a menage becomes two guys and a beard…

  30. 30
    rebyj says:

    The Fiachara’s Kiss cover reminds me of the time my ex husband got into a jalepeno pepper eating contest with his buddies, that he actually won…….
    the next day on the toilet…………………………lets just say the pic describes his screams and curses perfectly. LOL

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