Ageless

Feeling poorly because you’ve got a new grey hair? Maybe your first? Maybe your forty-fifteenth? Whatever. You’re still sexy. Trust us.

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Sarah: Yes, he’s farted a butterfly and a gull is about to pluck out her velvet chains, but the real point of order on this cover is that her hair has absorbed the dye from her dress to the point where the poor chit has seafoam green hair. Now THAT is color coordination.

Candy: How very forward-looking of her to dye her hair the same color her skin would be after a raging bout of yellow fever fought concurrently with seasickness. It’s the ultimate in color-coordination.

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Sarah:Discarded titles for this book include Trannysong, Crossdressingsong and Gee that bow doesn’t look gay in the least song.

Candy: Oh, hey, the woman with the hair like an unwound Q-tip shows up again! Good for her. Last time we saw her, she was rockin’ the casbah on Silver Angel—a cover so good, it gets to be snarked twice.

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Sarah: This is one of my favorite old-skool covers. I can’t even remember if I’ve read the book. But wow, the majesty of that My Little Pony-esque “Grandma exploded!” hair is just the cap on the trifecta of awesome when joined with the purple eyeshadow and the megamullet.

Candy: Oh yes. The mane of hair is every bit as mesmerizing as it ever has been. The more I look at it, the more I think it’s moving. The question is: what’s it trying to do? My best guess is that it’s still instinctively trying to break holes in the polar ice in search of baby seals for a tasty little snack, even though it’s thousands of miles away from any frozen precipitation.

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  1. 1
    AJane says:

    Fist time posting, but I couldn’t help myself seeing the cover of Silver Angel… Is her hair eating her head? Come to think of it, on the second cover, her hair looks like it’s eying bowtie boy. Maybe it’s envious of that little red bow?

  2. 2

    Is this the Bride of Frankenstein Unleashed? First she stole his heart, then his brain, then his little bowtie…and moved to the casbah in search of her one true love: Frankie with the Mullet and some serious make-up issues. Is that guy wearing eye shadow and blush?

  3. 3
    Curious Lady says:

    This is totally of this subject.  Why are Cassie Edwards books still on the shelves at stores? 

    And, if I’m not mistaken, I just saw a huge one page ad for a new release in a recent Romantic Times issue.

    What’s going on?  Whatever came (besides Signet dumping her) of the whole plagiarism thing?

  4. 4
    eaeaea says:

    The last 2 covergirls are definitely albino.
    If you could see the color of their eyes – it would be pink… It’s the only excuse I can think of.

    1st book should be ‘velvet reflection’ – her hair is reflecting the surrounds: puky green dress, whatever…

  5. 5
    Suze says:

    Is that guy wearing eye shadow and blush?

    C’mon, it was the eighties.  EVERYBODY had a mullet.  And all the really cool guys wore makeup.  INXS, The Cure, Adam Ant, oodles of others that I can’t remember anymore.

    I seem to recall that the heroine of Silver Angel did have white hair, and some funky eye colour.  All Johanna Lindsey’s wimmin had strange and beautiful colouration.  At the time, I thought it was fabulous.  Ah, youth in the age of neon as fashion.

  6. 6
    rebyj says:

    Can you imagine the contents of a book with the blurb on   Silver Angel TODAY?
    “Her tender passion turns lust into love, and master to slave”

    It’d be a BDSM Ellora’s Cave release for sure ! lol

  7. 7
    Silver James says:

    What is the guy in the first cover straddling? And what the hell is stuck down the back of his pants? As for the albino, she must have Super Glued those outfits to her boobies to keep them up.

  8. 8
    SusanL says:

    Trannysong ?!  You guys make me laugh and I really needed that today.  BTW, I think her hair looks like a big blob of cotton candy without the dye.  Or, maybe fiberfill?

  9. 9
    SonomaLass says:

    Ah, the unwound Q-tip hair! Love it.  I think rebyj is dead right about the blurb—lots of old skool romances have “teasers” that sound like something VERY different today.

  10. 10
    Lyra says:

    I’m staring at Silver Angel and wondering just what is keeping her shirt on her boobs. Maybe some sort of nipple ring/button combo?

  11. 11
    kopperhead says:

    OH NO!  Here I was getting used to my natural platinum do, and now I’m just scared! Laughing, but scared. I’m not unwound yet, thankfully.

    I’m staring at Silver Angel and wondering just what is keeping her shirt on her boobs. Maybe some sort of nipple ring/button combo?

    Lyra, you just might have something there, but ouch.
    .

    I can’t go back to bed now because when I close my eyes I see the hair of Silver Angel devouring both of them.

  12. 12
    Cat Marsters says:

    No no, it’s really Susan Sto-Helit with her life-of-its-own hair.  You just know it styles itself.

    Not for the first time, I wonder who was supplying the Avon cover dept with LSD.

    (spamfilter: hot77.  No, I refuse to believe it was hot in ‘77.)

  13. 13
    ev says:

    INXS, The Cure, Adam Ant, oodles of others that I can’t remember anymore.

    Boy George.

    but I love Adam Ant and INXS…..

  14. 14
    LizC says:

    Velvet Chains is an interesting title. Why not Velvet Ropes? That’d make a bit more sense. Now I’m imagining someone tying strips of velvet together much like you did in elementary school when making a paper chain.

    Also, I got my first gray hair at 22. Now they just keep kind of showing up. At least this way when I’m in middle-age and wondering what the hell I did with my life I won’t have the added bonus of waking up with a gray hair in my face just reminding me how old I am. It’ll be old hat by then.

  15. 15
    BethanyA says:

    Everytime I see that white hair I just keep seeing Madonna circa “Who’s That Girl?”

    Right?

  16. 16
    Kathsan says:

    I like the peek-a-boo pants on Silver Angel.  Also the manly “Ooh, look how my muscles strain against my manly arm bracelets!”

    But I definitely think there’s a hint o’ nip on the right boob there.  But juuuuuust a hint.  We couldn’t have nipples being seen, ohnoes.

  17. 17
    Jessica says:

    OMG, I have actually read the Lindsey one, which I remember BECAUSE of the cover.  I snuck it home from the library when I was thirteen.  (I checked it out, just hid it from my mom.)  It’s pretty cheesy, and also possibly rape-tacular in the way old Lindseys are.

  18. 18
    Chicklet says:

    What’s with all the metal armbands on the Silver Angel dude? I count three that are visible. Does it signal his willingness to wear a metal cock ring?

  19. 19
    JenTurner says:

    The last two clearly depict what happened when Cruella DeVille finally met the much younger Dalmation breeder.

    Also, might I add that said Dalmation breeder has gigantic hands?

  20. 20
    Brittany says:

    Ya know, the more I look at the the woman’s hair on the last cover, the more I swear I can see a skeleton head in it. Weird.

  21. 21
    Maggie says:

    And what the hell is stuck down the back of his pants?

    That isn’t anything stuck down his pants that’s bird doodie!!!

  22. 22
    mirain says:

    Don’t forget those “Bride With White Hair” films—didn’t her locks do kung fu or something?

  23. 23

    Clearly, the Nightsong was written by Dolly Parton.

  24. 24
    Deb Kinnard says:

    Actually, I keep visualizing all these heroines rising from whatever anatomically improbable lying down pose they are in, and, due to sharing Aqua Net with Mullet Boy, her hair stays erect! Oh, the humanity!

  25. 25
    J.C. Wilder says:

    I read the Lindsey title many moons ago but I have no idea what it was about. The only book of hers I really remember is Savage Thunder where the hero/heroine have sex on a horse….while galloping…

  26. 26
    ev says:

    where the hero/heroine have sex on a horse….while galloping…

    Ow.
    Fuck.
    Ow.

  27. 27
    Candy Kane says:

    C’mon, it was the eighties.  EVERYBODY had a mullet.  And all the really cool guys wore makeup.  INXS, The Cure, Adam Ant, oodles of others that I can’t remember anymore.

    And Prince—don’t forget Prince.

  28. 28
    Melissa says:

    The Saran Wrap pants the chick wears in Silver Angel are just idiotic.  It’s not like they’d stay intact under any circumstances. 

    Or………….

    Maybe the chick has such pale hair and skin ‘cause she’s dead?  In that case plastic pants may be a good idea!  :)

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