In honor of this year’s Bulwer Lytton prize winners for 2008, it’s time, I think, for the worst first line in a romance novel competition. I know there is a “romance” category in the real Bulwer-Lytton, but given the depths (hur) of your creativity, there needed to be more.
You know the drill: give us your original works of horrid first line art, that you yourself wrote, as awful and excellent as possible please! Comments are open for 24 hours, so leave your first line of awesomeness there. I’ll be doing something different this time around, though: in the comments, we’ll take nominations for the finals. So if you see a first line there you like, nominate it for the finals, and I’ll post the final slate of top-nominated first lines for final voting.
First prize: $25 gift certificate for the bookstore of your choice (Powell’s or Amazon), plus Romance Novel Poetry Kit for your eternal amusement while you stand at the fridge wondering if you’re hungry or just wanted to feel a cool breeze.
Second prize: Something Awesome. I’m not at the Prize Suitcase right now but there’s awesome in there, I promise.
Third Prize: see above!
Why The Henley Bodice Prize? Because Virginia Henley wrote some marvelously bizarre and downright screeching first scenes for her novels, with some great first lines, particularly my favorite, Dream Lover:
As the perfectly formed, timeless shape of the rounded head emerged, still glistening with wetness, Emerald couldn’t take her eyes from it.
Bring it on!
HAHAHA Elizabeth channeled Pride and Prejudice. that was awesome. I nominate her.
here’s mine:
Marcus was smitten. The woman before him was the most beautiful, intelligent Mary-Sue he had ever seen. He wanted her, needed her. She would be the perfect model for his next work. Panther-like, he stalked up to her place at the bar. “you’re beautiful you know,” he whispered sensually into her ear. Her pulse quickened at the feeling of his breath on her neck. “Like a goddess. You should model for my sci-fi Greek Gods in space graphic novel.” She shuddered with pleasure at the mere thought.
okay that’s the best i could do, I’m not feeling it right now. and i know it’s only supposed to be one line. I cheated.
A Regency Near Miss
Portia Delacroix’s dainty kid slippers faltered to a halt beneath the whispering willows as two swarthy men, their faces hidden by filthy rags, stepped onto the path ahead of her only to run for their lives as Lord Rakeraven’s horse’s hooves, the size of French porcelain dinner plates, pawed the air above their greasy heads, its master shouting, “Lay a hand on her fair head and I’ll eat your nadgers on toast, come the morrow!”
Breaking out of Lurkdom as well:
Entry 1 – The evening was hot and dry, and so was she. Tilly thirsted, but didn’t know for what would satisfy her thirst – she had tried water, and the lemonade – then she was introduced to the Earl of Warwick, Sebastian, and she knew instantly knew what she needed. Her cheeks flushed, her heart raced, and a warmth flooded down and pooled into her stomach, heat gushing. She stepped forward to take his proffered hand to waltz, slipped on the warm flood, knocked her head on an Egyptian statue and woke up hours later not in Regency England, but in hospital for incontinence. Sebastian was the orderly.
Entry 2 – Janet stumbled, and came up hard against – a bench. She continued on, knowing that despite the very humid and very wet conditions of the room (Lord knew what it was doing to her hair) there were men around somewhere. Those she had been sent to interview were “just in there, around the corner, Missâ€. Finally, she came through the fog – she looked around and discovered herself in the showers. She was here to interview the new Olympic team, and rumours were true – swimmers do shave everything.
Ya know, I quite agree and would like to nominate this passage myself. It was amusing and sounded like a good entry to a humorous vamp romance.
So uh, I guess I don’t think it’s so terrible lol. Maybe un-nominate it then? Oh heck, just nominate it I suppose.
Is it so wrong that I really would read like HALF of these??
Must nominate the breasts of brie above.
Also clearly the Pride and Prejudice knock off. That one I would actually BUY based on that first line.
Reposted with titles for easier identification:
Entry 1 – The Argentine’s Secret Graveyard Mistress
Entry 2 – Misnomer: A Greek Tycooness Tragedy in Fifteen Chapters
Entry 3 – Blood Drive
Entry 4 – The Pirate Rogue’s Nordic-Ethiopian Bride
Entry 5 – Rainbows, Puppies, Sunshine, and Chlamydia
Paranormal:
Argh! Typo! I corrected it:
I nominate “A Regency Near Miss” from Esri Rose!
Okay, now my turn…
Whimpering prettily, as she had been taught, heiress Daphne du Bazoombas scolded her seamstress for using a zipper on her bodice instead of flimsly ribbon ties – how, she reasoned, was she supposed to meet the broodingly handsome titular Lord Manly Pectarious by page 20, receive three punishing kisses by page 65 (spurring heretofore never felt sensations in her regions de nether by page 66), and ultimately end up by page 93 in a windswept cliff-filled valley surrounded by rearing horses, Ionic columns, erect moonbeams and tangerine colored peacocks with Manly driving his knee improbably into her sacral spine and his hands rapaciously down her chemise (causing her mouth to form a perfect ‘o’ like the wedding band of gold he would give her no later than page 587 after she had borne him two children and one nasty rash), if for heaven’s sake he had to find and pull down one of those little zipper pulls that disappears into a seam?!
Hee hee… I said ‘titular.’
I gotta go back and nominate the first line from ‘My Immortal,’ submitted by Alex. It’s amazing.
My daughter nominated the first 25 chapters of Twighlight.
I can’t stop laughing, way too much fun…
EsriRose—The Blood-Stained Glass
I nominate Anime June for her “rakish” historical and her vampire story. That second one has real possibilities.
Hey! Make him the heroine’s gay vampire bff and you’ve got something going here.
Carrie Lofty’s is hilarious! I also love MS Jones’s “The Blood-Stained Glass.”
A few more of my own (because the only writing I do is bad writing, really):
Trevor reached out a hand to his new bride, Valerie, who looked up at him through her eyelashes, her gaze an equal mix of fear and raw passion, and as he pulled her towards him, the scent of her hair, orange and jasmine, filled the air in the honeymoon suite, which was hot and close and full of promise, like a Southern summer night, but without all the June bugs.
—
“If you make me marry him, Mother, I’ll kill myself!” screeched Alveola, referring to the Duke of Mahntitte, who was a cad and a scoundrel and scarred to boot, and the object of her deepest loathing, because she had not yet discovered that his daring playboy exterior was just a cover to hide the pain of an unhappy childhood, and he had gotten the scar duelling to defend the honor of Aldenta, her half-sister whom she would soon meet for the first time.
(A homage to my favorite B-L entry from 2003.)
—-
Raychelle’s eyes fluttered open, and she struggled to shake off the last shreds of sleep as panic began to grip her, because her bedroom was not the dank sixteenth-century chamber in which she now found herself, and her Tempur-Pedic mattress was not the scratchy straw pallet on which she now lay, and her boyfriend was definitely not the man next to whom she now found herself, because her boyfriend had never lain snoring and reeking of alcohol while two snickering, greasy brutes carefully shaved “Kick Me” in his thick back hair.
I think I’m going into some kind of seizure form all this laughing. Carrie Lofty’s deserves a nomination, a nod and a reprint:
Ok, gonna give this a whirl. It’s nowhere as bad…er, as good??….as others, but here goes:
The Island
Olivia Pendlebottom was getting off that damn island, even if she had to hump a humpback to do it, but the only male in site was Timothy Bareback of the Derbyshire French Letter factory fame and as she was quite beyond the pale desperate at that point, she had only one last thought before the plunge: At least he’d come prepared.
Elie’s first “June Bug” one is duly nominated and seems to really fit the feel of winning ones in the ‘other’ contest.
These are great!
Nominees:
Carrie Lofty for Leo “Nasty” Houston
Elizabeth Wadsworth’s Vamp Pride and Predjudice
Anime June’s painful rake and vampire “comfort food” hee hee
Lyvvie for Captain Armatey
Esri Rose for Regency Near Miss
Lyra’s Pirate Rogues’ Nordic-Ethiopian Bride
Anony Miss for her entry at 10:42, which I’m still laughing about.
I have to vote for AnimeJune’s entries. Both made me snort out loud. Well played AnimeJune.
Carrie gets my nomination and icky shiver for the male with a molecock. Of course I’ll be quoting Austin Powers and shouting “Moley Moley Moley!” for the rest of the evening. I don’t think I’ll explain why to my Husband.
I like AnimeJune and her notorious rake as well as Carrrie and her groupie having sex with the slick mole. Hehe. This is some funny shit.
came73-some more funny shit. hahahaha. Still gafawing and my kids looking as though I’ve lost my mind.
I nominate (so far) AnimeJune for the Rake story and Carrie Lofty for Leo “Nasty” Houston.
IRIDIA AND THE SWORD OF LOVE
Iridia struggled, flailing her pearlescent limbs, thrashing her platinum-tressed head, heaving her creamy bosoms upward in a frantic battle to free herself from the dreams that held her captive, and yet did little more than free those bosoms, luscious, orbs glowing with the moon’s sensuous intensity, peaked with rosy tips the size, shape and hardness of erasers on the end of a pencil, from the diaphanous gauzy fabric of her gown, and all the while Hygenio, Duke of Alhambra, watched and lusted in his heart after her, as well as in the prodigiously hungry and growing sword of love in his groinal region.
My spamword: thinking82—What? Me? Thinking???
Carrie Lofty’s hard-working mole!
Also, am I mistaken or is Marna’s telepath entry actually the opening paragraph of one of the Sookie Stackhouse books?
Oh, I’m torn between the breasts of brie and the hard-working mole!
Here’s my entry:
“Jethro stared into her violet eyes, those dark, oily depths that fueled his desire to drill into her heated depths with his turgid shaft and pump until he ignited the combustible passion between them into a blaze hot enough to be seen by the visible eye as far away as Beverly Hills.”
I know, we should reduce our dependence on fossil fuels. In the interest of going green:
“She writhed against him, rotating her hips as though they were blades on a wind-powered turbine generator, the bulbous white expanses of her heaving breasts undulating like water balloons resting upon a vibrator powered by a bank of fully charged hybrid fuel cells.”
I am not even going to attempt to follow in the footsteps of these illustrious ladies. I think I’ll stick to nominating…
#1 – Elizabeth Wadsworth’s paranormal
#2 – Esri Rose’s “A Regency Near Miss”
#3 – Anony Miss’ entry (there are no words to describe the beauty!)
I also think a special mention should go to Gail S for use of the phrase “groinal region.”
The Island by phadem – -LMAO
Entry 3 – Blood Drive by Lira
They say each man kills the thing he loves; me, I did it with the business end of a shovel.
That was my entry, by the way—I didn’t kill anything with a shovel. Yet. Today.
I nominate Ellie for
But really, they’re all wonderfully horrible.
Crossing the plaza with her arms full of books, Beth suddenly felt a horrible, consuming urge to scratch an intense itch in her crotch.
Nominations:
Elizabeth Wadsworth for the paranormal Austen parody
AnimeJune for the ‘rakish’ historical and ‘comfort food’ paranormal
Sara B for the ‘warm flood’ and the ‘shower interview’
She closed her mouth tentatively over his huge, iron-hard erection, feeling as trapped and uneasy as the time she tried escargot on a dare; come to think of it, the escargot had tasted remarkably like this.
And I nominate Carrie Lofty….the mole simile was just too bad to be true.
Maybe good things do come to those who wait but all Slowella had to show for her decade-long wait was a fat ass and a journal empty of entries. It was clear that she was missing something, something Rapunzel had had or known.
Carrie Lofty and the mole-like member get my vote. Or nomination?
Okay, I’ve been reading romance manga lately, and it’s clearly colouring my world, but here you go:
Miyuki gazed in wonder at the tall, very-long-legged, blue-eyed, silver-haired Japanese billionaire-ninja-rockstar-host who was also the president of their high school’s student council (so accomplished, and only 17!) and sighed happily, wondering why such a beautiful bishounen was so attracted to her short, plain, ordinary, nerd-like self that he needed to blackmail her into becoming his maid-mistress-secretary AND make her fill in for their missing maths teacher (and she was SO bad at maths!) by threatening to reveal to the school population that she worked part-time as a famous model in disguise; and she hoped desperately that she’d be able to get home (where she lived alone because her parents had recently been transferred overseas for two years, leaving her behind by herself) before her cruel lover’s legion of rabid fangirls chased her down and cut all her hair off, stole her shoes, and threw mud on her clothes.
I nominate AnimeJune and the “rake”
Mama had always insisted that chasing after men was vulgar. Thus, Sophie – instead of stalking her man as would have been more convenient – was obliged to lay in wait along pathways, ready to pounce.
Ok, correction.
Mama had always insisted that chasing after men was vulgar. Thus, Sophie (instead of stalking her man as would have been more convenient) was obliged to lay in wait along pathways, ready to pounce.