More Covers From the eBay Collection

This week: costume drama, as in ‘How much drama do costume portrayals like these cause among those who, you know, do research?’

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Sarah: Between the ruffles and the puffy sleeves and the vest, I had to giggle. The ice dancing puff-shouldered heroine was worth a snort, too. But the incredibly bendy legs of the horse? Oh, holy shit.

Candy: Miss Manners on graceful abduction-on-horseback etiquette: “Gentle abductee: The new rage when being pulled off your feet by frilly-shirted men on horseback is to struggle for freedom, but it seems to Miss Manners that this new development lacks a certain couthness and grace. Try arching your back to present a flattering profile, and remember to keep that pinkie up. Packing your own fan to ensure your tresses stream behind you is, however, gauche at best, and implies that your abductor does not know his job. In this particular instance, Miss Manners would like to gently remind you that natural is best.”

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Sarah: Nobody forgets the nude dude at the garden party, that’s for sure.

Candy: Titles that were briefly contemplated for this cover before being discarded:

“The Nudist and the Drag Queen”

“Is That Really a Third Nipple?”

“Still Life with Schlong and Potted Geranium”

“For the Love of a Dead-Faced Hooker”

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Sarah: Nothing but NOTHING says “Scottish” like slops. And purple hose. In the ocean.

Candy: What the fuck are those black smudges on his chest? Are they supposed to be chest hair? I mean, I have full sympathy for artists trying to depict chest hair without making it look smudgy, but seriously: the bits on his sternum look like grease paint. The better to accentuate his top-notch man-titty?

Comments are Closed

  1. 1

    Thank you, thank you! I needed a laugh break. :-D

  2. 2
    Jill Myles says:

    LOL! You know, I had nine million of the old Zebra romances growing up as a teen. It explains my prediliction for pastels, cheap ruffled dresses, and greasy mullets.

    (I think I’ve owned every single Zebra that’s popped up on cover mockery, btw. So sad. So grim. So funny.)

  3. 3
    Eeyore9990 says:

    Dude, I’m way more interested in why the hell he’s pulled her leg off in that last one.

    Also, the black smudges?  Looks like what happened when my Ken Doll had a close encounter with my match-wielding brother.  Just sayin’.

  4. 4
    Courtney S. says:

    Nothing says sexy like pumpkin breeches. I mean really. Not even Colin Firth and Joseph Finnes made those hot in Shakespeare in Love.

  5. 5
    LL says:

    Must be time to go home…I thought the first cover said, “There’s A Conway.” Well, sure – there are lots of them….and I’m sure many of them enjoy sweeeping unconscious women wearing too much eyeliner off their feet.

  6. 6
    Sonja says:

    Oh my god, when I stopped wondering why there was a naked guy on the terrace, I noticed that the woman is obviously using scotch tape as an economy face-lift. Scary.

  7. 7
    Jessa Slade says:

    Hmm, I’d never fully considered the difficulties of portraying chest hair.  Certainly there’s a Photoshop plug-in by now.  Plea to cover artists: I’m not asking for pelts, but I do like to see evidence of testosterone in my heroes.

  8. 8
    joykenn says:

    Uh, get that black-haired Scottish wench a thighmaster!  And what the f are they staring at so intently!  Not each other, and his hold on her leg seems almost absentminded.  Wierd cover!

  9. 9
    Silver James says:

    *boggles* Uhm…ah…ho-kay… *snorfles*

  10. 10
    JJ says:

    LL, I definitely read the author’s name in the first as “There’s A Conway” too.  I am ashamed to say it took me far longer than it should have to realise it was a name and not like…a series title.

    “There’s a Cover: PASSION FOR GLORY”

    Or

    “There’s a Cover: LUST PASTELS”

    Or “There’s a Cover: BENDY HORSE”

  11. 11
    Elizabeth Wadsworth says:

    The first guy looks as if he’s examining the woman’s ear canal.  And the Scottish Ecstasy couple look bored out of their minds – or maybe that should be stoned out of their minds – on Scottish ecstasy, of course.

  12. 12
    Julianna says:

    Take another look at their pose on the Scottish cover.  As Eeyore noted, what the hell is up with her leg?  Also, if my Spartan-chested lover is grabbing my thigh, I want him to look as if he’s paying attention, dammit.  They both look like they’re trying to see over a fence. 

    The background only adds to the WTF.  I suppose the artist should be given some credit for effort – neither of them’s wearing a plaid.

  13. 13
    dangrgirl says:

    For the first one—does he have a hernia? Seriously, that bulge: Ur doin it wrong.

  14. 14
    SonomaLass says:

    Yeah, dangrgirl, I wondered about that first guy’s crotch, too.  WTF???  And then there’s the blurb about the “wings of burning desire”—where are the wings?  Is the horse going to go all Pegasus, or what?

    If the Scot is wearing pumpkin pants, he is an English lackey.  ‘Nuff said.

    There were no naked guys at my garden party.  If there had been, they would have gotten the pretty girls, not the scary ones.

  15. 15
    Esri Rose says:

    Dangrgrl and Sonomalass: The first guy…I know! I think he has a thigh goiter. She saw it and passed out. Or possibly she passed out when she saw the outfit they put her in. Snow White sleeve bunions and a gypsy scarf around her waist, which seems to be shedding palm fronds.

  16. 16
    dillene says:

    Is there a way to Photoshop Jerry Seinfeld’s face onto the first guy?  I think that’s the shirt Jerry was wearing in the “Puffy Shirt” episode.

  17. 17
    Esri Rose says:

    Dillene said:

    Is there a way to Photoshop Jerry Seinfeld’s face onto the first guy?  I think that’s the shirt Jerry was wearing in the “Puffy Shirt” episode.

    Bwahahahahahahahaaaa! And that’s a marble rye he has stuffed down his pants!

  18. 18
    Esri Rose says:

    Sound effect for when the first gal’s bosoms pop out of her top:

    Spoink! Flubbetta, flubbetta, flubbetta…

  19. 19
    Esri Rose says:

    In the last pic, I think those are iron filings. She’s just finished moving he magnetic wand over his chest and getting them just so. And take a look at his face. It’s Joey, from Friends!

  20. 20
    JenTurner says:

    Okay…is it just me, or does the chick on the second cover look like either:

    A) A damn MAN?!?

    or…

    B) A well used hooker who just got her ass tossed out of a salsa dancing contest?

    I hope it’s not just me…

  21. 21
    Esri Rose says:

    Also in the last one, take a look at her outfit. Fringe, featherlike things sewn at the bottom… She’s dressed for the Edinburgh Pow-wow!

    You know, I think that cover is meant to represent what Scots experience when they take Ecstasy.

  22. 22
    Esri Rose says:

    Jen, it’s not just you. Also, I keep reading the author’s name as Penelope Nerd.

    Security word: mans68. As in, that man in the red dress has 68” hips.

  23. 23
    Lovecow2000 says:

    She melted beneath his rough touch

    Perhaps that’s what is going on with our couple on Scottish Ecstasy? Perhaps the water in the background symbolizes both the melting and the ecstasy? Maybe they’re not looking at each other because they’re embarrassed by the fact that his touch is so acidic it causes melting?  Who knows.

  24. 24
    SuzanneG says:

    OMG you all are killing me!  Esri Rose…The marble rye in his pants…Good call (that episode was hilarious)!  And the 68” hips – I didn’t even notice it until your post, but boy, you ain’t
    lyin’!

    On the Scottish Ecstacy it says “she melted under his rough touch”…I think it is more likely she fell down after he ripped her artificial leg off!  And just the term of “pumpkin pants” makes me laugh!

    Hilariuous stuff today gals!!!

  25. 25
    Esri Rose says:

    Whoops! Elizabeth got the drug reference in before me. I’ve been reading too fast again.

    Anyone else have the urge to draw little Play, Fast Forward, Reverse symbols on those green buttons in the ‘S’ of scandals?

  26. 26
    Ashwinder says:

    What the fuck are those black smudges on his chest?

    He had trouble washing off all the woad?

  27. 27
    Lori says:

    What in the world is going on with the woman’s back in the 2nd one?  It looks like she has something crawling under her skin and that can’t be good.

  28. 28
    Erastes says:

    Well, I don’t know how Methos ended up nude in the geranium garden but there’s no way that he’s going to find a normal girl under that frock – either that’s a transvestite or a shotputter, and that’s not a suitable sport for a laydee.

  29. 29
    mirain says:

    “Drama”? You mean that’s NOT how people dressed in 19th century England? Dammit, why didn’t someone tell me before I went to grad school?!

  30. 30
    EJ McKenna says:

    *snort* *guffaw*
    Scottish Ecstacy, and no sign of Ewan McGregor…
    and no tartan, thistles or heather… not even a wild Scottish vista in the background. Sheesh, I’m almost wondering if this was cover art stolen from a book called “Mullet Love in a time of Small Pox”.
    (She melted beneath his pumpkin pants).

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