Ok, this book has nothing to do with one of the prizes, but I have an ARC to give away, and this cover makes me feel verry verrrry creative. And really, there is no law at Smart Bitch HQ that says I have to make any sense. Whee! So, two prizes, one contest, and my thanks to April for the linkage and the original question.
Take a look at the picture below the fold. In the comments, tell me what he’s looking at. A few words, a narrative, a poem, whatever. Just tell us what he’s looking at. The two best winners as judged by you all and yours truly will win either (a) a copy of Rhonda Nelson’s The Hell Raiser and The Loner OR (b) my ARC of C.L. Wilson’s King of Sword and Sky (which is due out in October). The fabulous folks at The Dorch sent me a digital copy and a paper copy, and when I asked and said “Please,” they said it would be spiffy to give my paper ARC away to one of you lovely readers. Comments expire in 24 hours.
So, on your mark, get set, and tell me: What’s he looking at?! What’s he saying to himself?
“Wow, how did I get three balls instead of two??”
Well, hey, Tinkerbell, light of my loins. Let’s do some clapping to help you rise again!
His wonderous shaft of light…or possibly his flaming sword of lurve?
His detachable penis?
His downstairs mixup?
View here
“He swore if I used it every day, it would work! Damn that Billy Mays and the seductive lure of the Mighty Putty. “
Why is there a roach
Crawling up my manly thigh?
Please don’t touch my dick.
“Captain Maglite’s power may have been unusual, but it sure came in handy* for finding his keys.”
*hur, hur
Damn.
Indelible lipstick.
My demonic cock
Rampant in the fire light
Hell-raiser indeed.
Uhm… 9-1-1? I need a nurse…Yes. This is an emergency.
Act 1 Scene 1
He doth see his “Torche†burn bright
Two pearls hang on the back of the light
Like rich jewels in an Ethiope’s ear
For mine eyes the feast is too dear!
Meaning no disrespect to “Willâ€â€¦.
Naked…check.
Towel to act as heat catcher….check
All over body grease….okay, got that one done. Sure was hard to reach between my manly shoulderblades with the Johnsons.
Heat source from fire. Got that.
Dammit. That email said that if I did all this it’d get BIGGER. It’s not BIGGER. I wanted to achieve manly girth enhancement!
Fuck. Crabs again.
Why did she laugh? I don’t see anything wrong……….
*waking naked on a towel in front of the fire in a strange cabin with a ribbon tied about his manly bits* “Well I don’t know where you’ve been lad, but I can see you’ve won first prize.”
Huh. When did I get one of those?
****
Stupid damn scratchy towels! My poor Pwecious!
This definitely calls for more cowbell.
Walk softly and carry a big …
Damn. I wish my neck was longer.
“Huh – looky there. It does list to the right.”
“The porn director told me to come up with a stage name before we start filming. I like the name Chuck Cockalot, or how about Ben McMightySack? Or Mitch Meaty? Oh, or Chief Big Hard Rod!”
Pamela Anderson!
“I wonder if these stitches are infected? Damn that bitch for stabbing me anyway. When will I learn not to go around sleeping with the enemy?”
“In retrospect, that Barry Manilow tattoo was a bad idea.”
“Hey baby, think the fire needs more…………….wood?”
Operator: Customer Service, how may I help you?
Big, Buff, and Butch: What the hell did you do to me?!
Operator: Please explain the nature of your complaint. *sounds of bubble gum popping*
Big, Buff, and Butch: I saw your email advertisement and I bought it! When the pills came, I took them as directed!
Operator: Uh-huh.
Big, Buff, and Butch: And now… I have a tiny cock sticking out of my hip!
Operator: Uh-huh. So what’s the problem, sir?
Big, Buff, and Butch: …
…
Besides the tiny cock sticking out of my hip?
Operator: Sir, when you say “tiny,” how small is it?
Big, Buff, and Butch: I don’t know. I didn’t measure it.
Operator: Would you please do so now, sir. I’ll be happy to hold.
Minutes later…
Big, Buff, and Butch: *sound of horror dawning* It’s… three inches.
Operator: *chipper* Another satisfied customer, then. Have a good day, sir!
“Damn, I’m good!”
Egyptian cotton. I specifically requested Egyptian cotton towels. I’ll never get dry with this thing, guess I’ll have to sit by the fire.
“Well, what do you know,” He thought to himself, “that mole does kind of look like Pinhead. I knew I shouldn’t have stuck my d*¢k in that box.”
The tag line says it all: “Sleeping with the enemy.” He’s obviously contemplating a sex change.
a piece of black lint he spotted on his oh so white towel. He’s holding the towel out because he doesn’t want his the lint to stick onto his wet, hard thighs
Ooops!
He is a self exam man.
‘Xactly! He’s about to perform his monthly testicular self-exam. And his nurse is just off-cover, ready to help him with her mouth.
It can’t be that difficult. The big end goes over the … no, the little end fits around … wait, it was left to right, then right to left, yes?
*****
I knew it. The sun doesn’t shine out of my ass, it shoots out my dick and, hey, I’ve made fire!
Nothing. He’s looking at nothing at all. 🙂
*Taking in the small unicorn now tattooed so it’s horn is well…expandable* “Maybe it doesn’t look that bad…right? Damn it, I’m going to kill Eddie for talking me into this, just as soon as the power comes back on.”
“Who the hell is Lulabelle and why is her name tattooed on my dick?”
“Hey, there’s something to this watermelon stuff. Rock on!”
“Okay, I recited the sacred chant and anointed myself with coconut oil, but how exactly does putting my left ball in, taking my left ball out, and doing the Hokey Pokey and shaking it all about raise a demon?”