It’s a wonderous hallmark of Old Skool romance covers to have some type of animal in the background freaking the fuck out. The FTFO Background Creature has ranged from kangaroos to rearing stallions (obviously), but in a recent purchase from eBay, Sarah found many, many old skool covers, each one more snarkable than the next. Thank eBay, the scanner, and the long lost treasure trove from which these covers came, we will not be short for snarkage in a long, long time.
Sarah: Him: I have a unicorn AND a rainbow sprouting from my shoulder.
Her: Meh.
Him: I just farted a pair of fawns.
Her: Ho hum.
Him: A giant purple butterfly is nesting beneath my mighty ball sack!
Her: You and everyone else, dear.
Him: You know, you’re awfully uppity for a woman who is one stiff breeze from a full monty.
Her: I can fart turtledoves.
Him: Fine. You win.
Candy: In Enchanted Paradiseshire, gravity’s laws (as well as the laws of foreshortening) are held at bay, because I can’t think of a single other goddamn reason why that diaphanous slip of nothing is staying up.
I also think fucking with that many wild animals in the immediate vicinity is kind of creepy as well as hella unsafe. But maybe I’m just a prude that way.
Sarah: Horse 1: Is she wearing taffeta?
Horse 2: *slurp slurp slurp*
Horse 1: And can a feather really be that erect?
Horse 2: *drink drink drink*
Horse 1: Move over. You’re hogging the teal blue waters.
Candy: Oh my God. The dude looks like he’s just stepped out from a high-school interpretation of Hiawatha. And check out his bangs! He’s either a) facing a pretty fierce windstorm, b) REALLY startled, or c) has a membership at CostCo just so he can buy hair gel in the five-gallon tub size.
Sarah: What the fuck IS that thing? No, seriously, what the fuck is that?!
Candy: Presenting: naked mirrored were owl-man voyeur erotica. Who said romance was a stagnant genre?
I had to get my boss in here to look at those—-“yeah, yeah, I’m working on the repor—WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?” kind of tipped her off that I wasn’t working anymore. Meh—it was worth it!
You had me at A giant purple butterfly is nesting beneath my mighty ball sack!.
Hmm…according to the reviews at Amazon Quicksilver is actually a futuristic romance, and the pseudo-Chief is Councilman Eron, from the ruling council of the planet Delphi, who has received a prophesy from his sister that the Terrans (as represented by the psychologist heroine) will destroy their traditional ways.
What? Don’t look at me like that. I’m being serious. There’s also some stuff about girls become psychic when bitten by moncats. So possibly the thing in the background is a moncat, or someone who’s been bitten by one, or some other random alien thing, or the product of a terribly misguided cover artist who only skimmed the synopsis. Who knows.
Excited editorial review, with lots of !!!.
Ouch, ouch. Laughing too hard.
If you look closely, I think his narrow purple tongue is holding up her drapery.
Abusing his horn… Ha. Ouch.
I had the dolls too. Even though I was 14. LOL
Extraordinarily heroic nipples. (Need I say more?)
For the record, I asked my 12-year-old “What the hell is that?” and she said—with no hesitation whatsoever—“It’s a monkey.”
I submit to you that it is a monkey. Case closed.
Cause nothing says “futuristic” quite like a fringed vest . . . maybe in space no one can tell it’s fringe, cause it floats?
The Paradise cover has Peter Griffin saying in my head:
Moncats? Really? Sounds more like a euphemism for pussy with teeth. Now that’s science fiction.
Um, the science fiction community really gets its knickers in a twist when you label them “sci-fi†(“Sci-fi is for film and television. Books are science fiction.†Or so say the editors of Locus). Combine this with all the exclamation points and I’m stuck wondering if this is an actual review by a legitimate organization.
#1 – He looks as if he’s blowing up his inflatable doll. The expression on her face adds to the possibility that she’s a blow-up doll.
Omg, this site is dangerous to my health. *cackles with laughter*
Ha! You think you’ve seen it all, have you? Behold! The Old Skool style cover of the upcoming German release of Smuggler’s Bride!
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/518GHskLfzL._SL500_AA240_.jpg
Because nothing says “Hot Sexxoring in Old Florida” like a killer pink flamingo lurking in the background!
Although in fairness to the publisher, Heyne, I’ll add that the characters do seem dressed appropriately for a Florida summer.
Don’t you people know enough not to drink ANYTHING while reading these posts?? I mean really now….
I was another one who, before reading the comments, looked at the “Quicksilver” cover and automatically thought, “What the fuck is that?”
I love you guys.
I just want all of you to know that my textbook is ranked higher on Amazon than QUICKSILVER. Mind you, I have no MOTHMAN pix in my text, so perhaps that explains the different rankings???
Oh, and when I’m ever79, please don’t boot me off this list!
And, when I’m in Punta Gorda, FL, I’m ALWAYS on the lookout for the Killer Pink Flamingos. Damn, they are nasty!
Best cover snark since holy bloated pink ponies! Almost died looking at the were-owl. OMFG hilarious.
In Savage Splendor, the heroine’s expression is easily explained: she’s comatose due to a Deadly Brain Fart, which he’s nobly pretending not to have noticed.
And, a special offer for Bitchery Members everywhere: coming soon, the SBTB liquid-proof keyboard-cover! Heaven knows we need one!
Is it just me or does it look like the hero is trying to administer the Heimlich and the flamingo is frantically trying to signal that he’s doing it wrong?
Of course it’s Mothman! I recognized it the instant I saw it. I was quite excited thinking I had a lovely animal cover to share–Anne Mather’s “Night of the Bulls”, a Harlequin Presents so old, I doubt if any of you were alive when it was written! However, upon checking, I was saddened to find that only a herd of horses graces the cover of this gem! How odd-–Night of the Bulls. Hmm. Horses on the cover. Hmm. What could be missing? What is wrong?? (I do remember a scene where the hero shoos away a rogue bull, saving the heroine from a painful goring.) Worse, they are only mundane, ordinary horses. Not supernatural, fire-snorting, demon-eyed Horses from Hell, galloping passionately, thundering with raging ecstasy!!!! I’ll take Mothman, thank you, with his (of course it’s male!) mystique of alien sex and deviant genitalia.
It’s one of those cover artist in-joke dare things. “Bet you can’t get a half-goat, half-butterfly on the cover without anyone noticing.” “Dude, I once gave a chick three arms on a cover and no one cared. Watch me.”
It’s clearly Mr Tumnus being eaten by a giant butterfly.
And what was Tony Curtis doing modelling for Savage Splendor? Did he really need the money?
!
Darlene, is your novel actually a historical? Because I’m looking at the heroine and thinking 1980’s girl-band video. We got the beat, we got the beat…
Yeah, we got it!
And a self cleaning screen??
Elizabeth W, it is indeed a historical, despite the girl band/back up singer cover look. Heck, I’m just glad they kept the heroine a brunette and the hero a blond.
I have to admit, when I first saw it I felt a rush of nostalgia because it was so evocative of the classics from the past! It’s comforting to know some concepts are timeless, especially strange birds lurking in the background, man-titty and busty babes falling out of their clothes.
The science fiction community needs to get the fuck over themselves.
And I say that as fan.
I love you guys. I mean that. And when I set my gremlin-bat-beast with hot-chick gams on the world in a snark-sexin frenzy, I’m make sure she leaves you all alone…
For grins and giggles, read the review/ synopsis of Quicksilver on Amazon. It’ll explain what the Mothman Thingy is and curdle your innards with an overenthusiastic use of exclamation marks!
http://www.amazon.com/Quicksilver-Futuristic-Romance-Pam-McCutcheon/dp/0505521415/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1216407077&sr=1-3
Also, this is the follow up to Golden Prophecies. Sadly Amazon has no cover art to entice the unwary reader. But the hero’s name is Lancer….
http://www.amazon.com/Golden-Prophecies-Pam-McCutcheon/dp/0505520052/ref=sr_1_9?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1216407588&sr=1-9
Ack. I think the perky Quicksilver review may be scarier than the mothmanbearpigbutterfly thing lurking in the bushes.
Ooh, a hero named Lancer? Rwarrr.
I found the cover art to Golden Prophecies here, but as far as I can tell there is no Mothman on the cover. sad day.
Yes! That’s exactly what I was thinking. Or maybe… he was sucking in to get suction on the drapery thing and pull it away from her body so he could see the naked splendor. I’m just sayin’…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vagina_dentata
I see Enchanted Paradise and picture it as a hidden extension of the Sistine Chapel, maybe hidden in an anteroom or something.
It looks to me like he’s holding up the gauze with his chin. Perhaps it started to slip and he dove in to protect her modesty.
Well the unicorn’s curve is kinda strange, but so are horses doing a 3-D mind trick to look like they are grazing on her golden tresses.
“We’re crunching your head! Crunch, Crunch!!”
Was anyone else looking for the carebear hidden somewhere on the first cover?
Now that you mention it, I think I see a little paw on her waist. He’s behind her!
Haha, that was the very first thing I noticed. The guy on this cover actually looks incredibly hot, but sadly, some won’t even notice him because they can’t look away from the creepy moth-headed thing in the background.
There was a guy on the cover???
LOL! Thanks, I needed that!
Hahah, I had to go back and look at it again just to be sure!
Nice voyeur