Look Out! Behind You!

It’s a wonderous hallmark of Old Skool romance covers to have some type of animal in the background freaking the fuck out. The FTFO Background Creature has ranged from kangaroos to rearing stallions (obviously), but in a recent purchase from eBay, Sarah found many, many old skool covers, each one more snarkable than the next. Thank eBay, the scanner, and the long lost treasure trove from which these covers came, we will not be short for snarkage in a long, long time.

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Sarah: Him: I have a unicorn AND a rainbow sprouting from my shoulder.

Her: Meh.

Him: I just farted a pair of fawns.

Her: Ho hum.

Him: A giant purple butterfly is nesting beneath my mighty ball sack!

Her: You and everyone else, dear.

Him: You know, you’re awfully uppity for a woman who is one stiff breeze from a full monty.

Her: I can fart turtledoves.

Him: Fine. You win.

Candy: In Enchanted Paradiseshire, gravity’s laws (as well as the laws of foreshortening) are held at bay, because I can’t think of a single other goddamn reason why that diaphanous slip of nothing is staying up.

I also think fucking with that many wild animals in the immediate vicinity is kind of creepy as well as hella unsafe. But maybe I’m just a prude that way.

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Sarah: Horse 1: Is she wearing taffeta?
Horse 2: *slurp slurp slurp*
Horse 1: And can a feather really be that erect?
Horse 2: *drink drink drink*
Horse 1: Move over. You’re hogging the teal blue waters.

Candy: Oh my God. The dude looks like he’s just stepped out from a high-school interpretation of Hiawatha. And check out his bangs! He’s either a) facing a pretty fierce windstorm, b) REALLY startled, or c) has a membership at CostCo just so he can buy hair gel in the five-gallon tub size.

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Sarah: What the fuck IS that thing? No, seriously, what the fuck is that?!

Candy: Presenting: naked mirrored were owl-man voyeur erotica. Who said romance was a stagnant genre?

Comments are Closed

  1. Jackie says:

    I had to get my boss in here to look at those—-“yeah, yeah, I’m working on the repor—WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?” kind of tipped her off that I wasn’t working anymore. Meh—it was worth it!

  2. Chicklet says:

    You had me at A giant purple butterfly is nesting beneath my mighty ball sack!.

  3. Ms Manna says:

    Hmm…according to the reviews at Amazon Quicksilver is actually a futuristic romance, and the pseudo-Chief is Councilman Eron, from the ruling council of the planet Delphi, who has received a prophesy from his sister that the Terrans (as represented by the psychologist heroine) will destroy their traditional ways.

    What?  Don’t look at me like that.  I’m being serious.  There’s also some stuff about girls become psychic when bitten by moncats.  So possibly the thing in the background is a moncat, or someone who’s been bitten by one, or some other random alien thing, or the product of a terribly misguided cover artist who only skimmed the synopsis.  Who knows.

    Excited editorial review, with lots of !!!.

  4. Jessa Slade says:

    Ouch, ouch.  Laughing too hard.

    I can’t think of a single other goddamn reason why that diaphanous slip of nothing is staying up

    If you look closely, I think his narrow purple tongue is holding up her drapery.

    Abusing his horn…  Ha.  Ouch.

  5. lilywhite says:

    Jem and the Holograms

    My litte sister’s favorite cartoon. We were just discussing it at her birthday party last night, LOL! She had all the dolls and everything.

    I had the dolls too.  Even though I was 14.  LOL

  6. Wryhag says:

    Candy: In Enchanted Paradiseshire, gravity’s laws (as well as the laws of foreshortening) are held at bay, because I can’t think of a single other goddamn reason why that diaphanous slip of nothing is staying up.

    Extraordinarily heroic nipples.  (Need I say more?)

  7. lilywhite says:

    For the record, I asked my 12-year-old “What the hell is that?” and she said—with no hesitation whatsoever—“It’s a monkey.”

    I submit to you that it is a monkey.  Case closed.

  8. Kalen Hughes says:

    Hmm…according to the reviews at Amazon Quicksilver is actually a futuristic romance, and the pseudo-Chief is Councilman Eron, from the ruling council of the planet Delphi, who has received a prophesy from his sister that the Terrans (as represented by the psychologist heroine) will destroy their traditional ways.

    Cause nothing says “futuristic” quite like a fringed vest . . . maybe in space no one can tell it’s fringe, cause it floats?

  9. amhartnett says:

    The Paradise cover has Peter Griffin saying in my head:

    Hello, and welcome to the Peter Griffin Sideboob Hour. This is where we show you all the partial nudity that you can’t see on TV anymore.

    Look at that sideboob. Check out THIS sideboob. What about THAT sideboob? Does that turn you on?

    It shouldn’t, because that’s MY sideboob.

  10. Kalen Hughes says:

    The moncats will appeal to animal lovers and fans of science fiction will love the plot!

    Moncats? Really? Sounds more like a euphemism for pussy with teeth. Now that’s science fiction.

    A well-written tale of romance and sci-fi!!! . . . Kristina Wright—Copyright © 1994-97 Literary Times, Inc. All rights reserved

    Um, the science fiction community really gets its knickers in a twist when you label them “sci-fi” (“Sci-fi is for film and television. Books are science fiction.” Or so say the editors of Locus). Combine this with all the exclamation points and I’m stuck wondering if this is an actual review by a legitimate organization.

  11. Freda says:

    #1 – He looks as if he’s blowing up his inflatable doll.  The expression on her face adds to the possibility that she’s a blow-up doll.

  12. Omg, this site is dangerous to my health. *cackles with laughter*

  13. Ha!  You think you’ve seen it all, have you?  Behold!  The Old Skool style cover of the upcoming German release of Smuggler’s Bride!

    http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/518GHskLfzL._SL500_AA240_.jpg

    Because nothing says “Hot Sexxoring in Old Florida” like a killer pink flamingo lurking in the background!

    Although in fairness to the publisher, Heyne, I’ll add that the characters do seem dressed appropriately for a Florida summer.

  14. ev says:

    Don’t you people know enough not to drink ANYTHING while reading these posts?? I mean really now….

  15. I was another one who, before reading the comments, looked at the “Quicksilver” cover and automatically thought, “What the fuck is that?”

    I love you guys.

  16. Hmm…according to the reviews at Amazon Quicksilver is actually a futuristic romance, and the pseudo-Chief is Councilman Eron, from the ruling council of the planet Delphi, who has received a prophesy from his sister that the Terrans (as represented by the psychologist heroine) will destroy their traditional ways.

    I just want all of you to know that my textbook is ranked higher on Amazon than QUICKSILVER. Mind you, I have no MOTHMAN pix in my text, so perhaps that explains the different rankings???

    Oh, and when I’m ever79, please don’t boot me off this list!

  17. Ha!  You think you’ve seen it all, have you?  Behold!  The Old Skool style cover of the upcoming German release of Smuggler’s Bride!
    http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/518GHskLfzL._SL500_AA240_.jpg
    Because nothing says “Hot Sexxoring in Old Florida” like a killer pink flamingo lurking in the background!

    And, when I’m in Punta Gorda, FL, I’m ALWAYS on the lookout for the Killer Pink Flamingos. Damn, they are nasty!

  18. Best cover snark since holy bloated pink ponies!  Almost died looking at the were-owl.  OMFG hilarious.

  19. Deb Kinnard says:

    In Savage Splendor, the heroine’s expression is easily explained: she’s comatose due to a Deadly Brain Fart, which he’s nobly pretending not to have noticed.

    And, a special offer for Bitchery Members everywhere: coming soon, the SBTB liquid-proof keyboard-cover! Heaven knows we need one!

  20. Tina C. says:

    Ha!  You think you’ve seen it all, have you?  Behold!  The Old Skool style cover of the upcoming German release of Smuggler’s Bride!

    Is it just me or does it look like the hero is trying to administer the Heimlich and the flamingo is frantically trying to signal that he’s doing it wrong?

  21. novea says:

    Of course it’s Mothman!  I recognized it the instant I saw it.  I was quite excited thinking I had a lovely animal cover to share–Anne Mather’s “Night of the Bulls”, a Harlequin Presents so old, I doubt if any of you were alive when it was written!  However, upon checking, I was saddened to find that only a herd of horses graces the cover of this gem!  How odd-–Night of the Bulls.  Hmm.  Horses on the cover.  Hmm.  What could be missing?  What is wrong??  (I do remember a scene where the hero shoos away a rogue bull, saving the heroine from a painful goring.)  Worse, they are only mundane, ordinary horses.  Not supernatural, fire-snorting, demon-eyed Horses from Hell, galloping passionately, thundering with raging ecstasy!!!!  I’ll take Mothman, thank you, with his (of course it’s male!) mystique of alien sex and deviant genitalia.

  22. Cat Marsters says:

    It’s one of those cover artist in-joke dare things.  “Bet you can’t get a half-goat, half-butterfly on the cover without anyone noticing.”  “Dude, I once gave a chick three arms on a cover and no one cared.  Watch me.”

    It’s clearly Mr Tumnus being eaten by a giant butterfly.

    And what was Tony Curtis doing modelling for Savage Splendor?  Did he really need the money?

  23. Elizabeth Wadsworth says:

    Ha!  You think you’ve seen it all, have you?  Behold!  The Old Skool style cover of the upcoming German release of Smuggler’s Bride

    !

    Darlene, is your novel actually a historical?  Because I’m looking at the heroine and thinking 1980’s girl-band video.  We got the beat, we got the beat…
    Yeah, we got it!

  24. ev says:

    a special offer for Bitchery Members everywhere: coming soon, the SBTB liquid-proof keyboard-cover! Heaven knows we need one!
    Becareful here in NY too. I have lots of them just hiding around the corners of my house and in my garden.

    when I’m in Punta Gorda, FL, I’m ALWAYS on the lookout for the Killer Pink Flamingos.

    And a self cleaning screen??

  25. Elizabeth W, it is indeed a historical, despite the girl band/back up singer cover look.  Heck, I’m just glad they kept the heroine a brunette and the hero a blond. 

    I have to admit, when I first saw it I felt a rush of nostalgia because it was so evocative of the classics from the past!  It’s comforting to know some concepts are timeless, especially strange birds lurking in the background, man-titty and busty babes falling out of their clothes.

  26. snarkhunter says:

    Um, the science fiction community really gets its knickers in a twist when you label them “sci-fi”

    The science fiction community needs to get the fuck over themselves.

    And I say that as fan.

  27. amy lane says:

    I love you guys.  I mean that.  And when I set my gremlin-bat-beast with hot-chick gams on the world in a snark-sexin frenzy, I’m make sure she leaves you all alone…

  28. Lovecow2000 says:

    For grins and giggles, read the review/ synopsis of Quicksilver on Amazon.  It’ll explain what the Mothman Thingy is and curdle your innards with an overenthusiastic use of exclamation marks! 

    http://www.amazon.com/Quicksilver-Futuristic-Romance-Pam-McCutcheon/dp/0505521415/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1216407077&sr=1-3

    Also, this is the follow up to Golden Prophecies.  Sadly Amazon has no cover art to entice the unwary reader.  But the hero’s name is Lancer….

    http://www.amazon.com/Golden-Prophecies-Pam-McCutcheon/dp/0505520052/ref=sr_1_9?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1216407588&sr=1-9

  29. JenB says:

    Ack.  I think the perky Quicksilver review may be scarier than the mothmanbearpigbutterfly thing lurking in the bushes.

    Ooh, a hero named Lancer?  Rwarrr.

  30. Anj says:

    I found the cover art to Golden Prophecies here, but as far as I can tell there is no Mothman on the cover. sad day.

    If you look closely, I think his narrow purple tongue is holding up her drapery.

    Yes! That’s exactly what I was thinking. Or maybe… he was sucking in to get suction on the drapery thing and pull it away from her body so he could see the naked splendor. I’m just sayin’…

  31. Andrew says:

    Moncats? Really? Sounds more like a euphemism for pussy with teeth. Now that’s science fiction.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vagina_dentata

    I see Enchanted Paradise and picture it as a hidden extension of the Sistine Chapel, maybe hidden in an anteroom or something.
    It looks to me like he’s holding up the gauze with his chin.  Perhaps it started to slip and he dove in to protect her modesty.

  32. Chrissy says:

    Well the unicorn’s curve is kinda strange, but so are horses doing a 3-D mind trick to look like they are grazing on her golden tresses.

    “We’re crunching your head!  Crunch, Crunch!!”

  33. Ticker says:

    Was anyone else looking for the carebear hidden somewhere on the first cover?

  34. Now that you mention it, I think I see a little paw on her waist. He’s behind her!

  35. No, seriously, what the fuck is that?!

    Haha, that was the very first thing I noticed.  The guy on this cover actually looks incredibly hot, but sadly, some won’t even notice him because they can’t look away from the creepy moth-headed thing in the background.

  36. ev says:

    The guy on this cover actually looks incredibly hot, but sadly, some won’t even notice him because they can’t look away from the creepy moth-headed thing in the background.

    There was a guy on the cover???

  37. LOL! Thanks, I needed that!

  38. There was a guy on the cover???

    Hahah, I had to go back and look at it again just to be sure!

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