Help A Bitch Out

HaBO: “A Steaming Pile of Poo”

HaBO: “A Steaming Pile of Poo”

This HaBO request from Rosemary nearly made me spit out my coffee. Help this poor woman out, while I go get more coffee?

Here’s what I remember.

  1. She’s a librarian taking a booze-cruise sort of thing when the boat ends up being shipwrecked on a deserted island.
  2. He’s a SEAL or Green Beret or some crap like that.
  3. She’s a virgin (of course).
  4. He chases her through the jungle and is about to throw her down and rape her (cuz she’s beeeeeyyyoootiful) when she gets her period and he realizes that it freaks her out to lose her virginity on her period, so he backs off. (But the author makes a point to say that he’s down with riding the tide.)
  5. He takes her to the grotto (with the waterfall) and cleans her up as a way to say “sorry for the attempted rape,” but also tells her, “As soon as the crimson wave passes, I’m banging you.”
  6. To continue being nice to her he makes her a comb out of a shell of some sort and combs out her hair, but whenever he reaches a tangle, he just pulls out his big knife and cuts the knot off.
  7. He makes some sort of nature-pad out of moss (after making her some new panties out of leaves or some plant debris because he TORE OFF THE OTHER ONES.)
  8. Pulling out works for them as a form of birth control.
  9. They’re eventually rescued and she goes back to the library, and he finds her and her crazy looking hair in the stacks one day and blah blah blah, HEA.

(All dialog was paraphrased by me.)

The book came out in ‘89-’92 since I remember reading it in World History junior year of high school, and it had a purple cover. It was the second romance novel I ever read, and tainted me against contemporary novels for the rest of my life. I apparently have pretty severe masochistic tendencies since I want to reread this steaming pile of poo. Can anyone help me out?

Rosemary: there are so many good contemporary romances, many which do not feature shipwrecked menstruating librarians being chased through the underbrush.

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  1. 1
    Pisafe says:

    Could it be “Date With The Devil” by Olivia Rupprecht?  It is a Loveswept published in 1991, and seems to fit the bill.  Never read it, but a web search showed up with a very similar question asked, and answered with that title, on another site.  And does anyone else worry that the wizards on the blog are silently correcting spelling and punctuation?  For us non-English majors that is? :)

  2. 2
    Wendy says:

    And of course this steaming pile of poo would feature a virgin librarian.  ::headdesk::

    I had a seriously good laugh over reading Rosemary’s description though.

  3. 3
    Psycheros says:

    Yup, it’s “Date With The Devil” by Olivia Rupprecht. He stalks her like an animal before they do it for the first time because she was freaked out (by his manliness?) watching him sleep or something. Thinking back now, this sounds really creepy.

  4. 4
    Jill Myles says:

    Oh my god. I think I have to read this one now. *runs to Amazon*

  5. 5
    Pisafe says:

    I agree Jill.  It’s like a train wreck.  I’m trying not to look but…  Maybe we should just buy a copy and pass it around?  I don’t think I want to claim ownership of this one.

  6. 6
    Marta Acosta says:

    This is the most whack plot I have ever heard. 

    What kind of sick mind even thought of this story?  And then thought it was worth sharing?  And then found a publisher who agreed!  The horror, the horror!

    Now I’m going to pour a bottle of Clorox in my ear.  Luckily the weevil larvae have already made a path directly into my brain.

  7. 7
    Flo says:

    Shit… I need to read this for the lulz alone!

  8. 8
    SonomaLass says:

    Rosemary, this would have put me off the genre too!  Fortunately, I guess, this was while I was in graduate school, and I read no romance novels during that time (too much research to do, and it was the wrong kind of escapism given what else was going on in my life).

    Wow, just wow.  “Steaming pile of poo” sounds like an understatement to me.

  9. 9
    MoJo says:

    Where’s the lolporn when you need it?

  10. 10
    Psycheros says:

    I remembered more details!

    At the end of his chase, he hisses in her ear, startling her. He was the disciple of a Japanese martial arts expert, and he made her hug a tree to build up discipline. He latches on from behind her, I think, and she’s turned on by the bark.

  11. 11

    Why didn’t they cover shipwrecked with a horny SEAL in the worst case scenario class in library school?  All we talked about was floods.

    Although the story sounded pretty good right up to ‘booze cruise’.

    I think I might want a look at this trainwreck.

  12. 12
    Malin says:

    Sounds like just the sort of man I’ve been searching for all my life. *snort* So considerate! So multitalented! Not only does he have survival skills, he does hair too! *rolls on floor in helpless laughter* Seriously, it’s a wonder we aren’t scarred for life, having read crap like this in our teens. (I’m trying to block out a few masterful rapes by ‘heroes’.)

    If you want to read something less traumatizing about running around in the jungle with a SEAL, I recommend “Out of Control” by Suzanne Brockmann. There’s no virgin librarian with a period, though, so the experience might be somewhat lacking. *g*

    (What do you know, my spamword is control21 which I will take as a sign to go ahead and recommend SB’s book.)

  13. 13
    Carrie Lofty says:

    Turned on by bark? You say that like it’s something peculiar. Most women are, yes? Flora is the next big thing in shifter stories.

    (But srsly, what the hell ??)

  14. 14
    God says:

    he’s sounds like a real prince.

    this was especially odd, since I just spent the last two days watching the DVDs of “Navy SEALS” from the military channel.

    who wants to put moss in their…? eeeeeewww.

  15. 15
    srah says:

    This sounds excruciating!  I must own it immediately!

  16. 16

    I suspect Always will be out with a line of moss pads, any minute now.  With wings.  Wings of what?  We don’t know.  But wings.

    Have a great period.

  17. 17
    KTG says:

    Okay, I want to know the name of this book just because. (and to look for it in a library/bookstore and giggle)

  18. 18
    Tina says:

    After reading about some of the plots of these supposed romances, it’s no wonder my mother didn’t let me read this genre!  Good grief :@

  19. 19
    Suze says:

    Moss with wings.  Am I the only one thinking about dragonflies embedded in the moss?  Ech.

  20. 20
    God says:

    Gives a new meaning to organic products

  21. 21
    Lori says:

    There’s just so such wrong it’s hard to know what to think.  How in the world did such a mess get published?  I’ve never heard of a booze cruise that went far enough to get shipwrecked anywhere, let alone a desert island.  Who was at the helm, Gilligan & the Skipper?  And I really hope no actual SEALs ever have occasion to hear about this.  Everyone seems to feel that their profession gets misrepresented in fiction, but SEALs have more cause for complaint than most and this book sounds like the last straw.

  22. 22
    Rosemary says:

    YES!  It’s Date With the Devil!!!!  Y’all are SO GOOD!  Woo hoo!

    God, y’all.  This book was so very bad.

  23. 23
    Rosemary says:

    And, why would it be called Date with the Devil when they weren’t really on a date, but stranded on an island?

    Shipwreck of the Damned would be more appropriate.

  24. 24

    Who was at the helm, Gilligan & the Skipper?

    Then the librarian could have borrowed a Tampon from Ginger.  If Ginger had room to pack multiple evening gowns for a three hour tour, one hopes she would have always carried feminine protection.

    Although in the case of this book, it sounds like appropriate feminine protection would have been mace and a revolver.

  25. 25
    SusannaG says:

    Yep, it’s Date with the Devil all right!  The plotline is engraved on my memory.

    God help me.

  26. 26

    Ewwwww! What is with those plots featured Aunt Flow? How squicky.

  27. 27
    katiebabs says:

    Why do I think of the movie Swamp Thing? Virgin being devirginized on some moss. How romantic.

  28. 28
    Jessica says:

    If you’re a member of paperbackswap.com, you can get it for free, though you’ll have to give up a book credit . . .

    It’s my new way of getting crap romances when the library doesn’t have them, but I just have to torture myself, but not to the tune of $7 – 14.

  29. 29
    Estelle Chauvelin says:

    Wow, that “hero” outdoes the guy who apparently enjoys us reading him the Dewey decimal system.

  30. 30
    Janet says:

    A virgin librarian?  huh.  The only librarian I know used to work in a porn store (for real).

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