Random Bits o’ Funny for a Saturday

First, from Lurker Stephanie: did you know romance novels make exemplary tools for self defense? Oh, yes indeedy do!

I am currently reading Charlaine Harris’ latest Sookie Stackhouse novel, From Dead to Worse and on page 146 the heroine, Sookie, uses a Nora Roberts hardback book to take down a bad guy!  And I quote,

“He spun, pushed Barbara at Alcee, and ran right toward me, knife raised.  I threw a Nora Roberts hardback at him, whacking him upside his head.  I extended my foot.  Blinded by the impact of the book, Sharp Teeth tripped over the foot, just as I’d hoped.”

I shall never leave the house unarmed (i.e. without a Nora Roberts hardback) again!

Screw high heels or car keys. Get yourself a hardback. You’ll never be bored waiting in line, and if a monster goes after you, chuck it at his hairy, toothy head!

And from Amy, When Candy Goes Wrong – the high fructose corn syrup variety, not the Malaysian kind. I need to find me some of these, stat.

Finally: Kate

<3 Rene's Comics Du Jane Austen

. “I shall leave my cravat on” nearly injured me for life. HA!

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  1. 1
    Lisa Hendrix says:

    re: Gummy Lighthouses

    Looks like Mills Farm is a brand name of Christmas Tree Shops, a New England chain.  Will someone PLEASE buy several bags and bring them to RWA National so I can purchase them from you and share the joy.  Pretty please.  Contact me through my website so we can meet.

  2. 2
    SB Sarah says:

    My mother in law has a healthy lust for The Christmas Tree Shops, which, if you met my mother in law, you’d know how absolutely funny that is. Yes, we’re Jewish. The hilarity just starts there.

    Anyway, if she’s headed for the Shop O’ Xmas Tree, I shall beg her for lighthouse gummy candy because OMG. WIN.

  3. 3
    Silver James says:

    It wasn’t a Nora Roberts – it was a Robert Ludlum….but I took out a cop with one. *blinkblink*

    I was teaching a self-defense course for women and I had a big, burly macho-cop as my partner. Demonstrating that a shoulder purse could be an effective weapon to keep an attacker from getting close until help came or you could run like hell, I started swinging my bag, forgetting I had a hardback in it. I clipped Craig upside the head and he went down like he’d been pole-axed. I was so embarrassed – especially after Craig refused to work with me in the classes again. The ladies all ran out and bought shoulder bags and carried a hardback in them for good measure.

  4. 4
    Willa says:

    I’ve smacked the crap out of mean boys before, using nothing more than my purse and the trusty hardcover novel inside. They’re like bricks. Very efficacious! Men cry and accuse you of severe brutality! Yay!

    OMG that set of Jane Austen comic strips is HILARIOUS! Bookmarking!

  5. 5
    ev says:

    Something else to bookmark. sigh

    I will check my Xmas tree store too. Although I am not usually allowed in more than once a month. Something about buying a lot of crap we don’t need? Whatever that means.

  6. 6
    amy lane says:

    OMG!!!  Where in the HELL was that comic when I was trying to teach Pride & Prejudice to a bunch of indifferent seniors who thought I was the dumbest bitch this side of spinsterdom!!!

    Thanks, Bitches!  *sniff*  I may actually recover from teaching that unit after all.

  7. 7
    GirlyNerd says:

    I got those “lighthouse” gummies a while back for the hubby. I didn’t realize when I bought them how phallic they looked. He thought I did it on purpose and refused to eat them even though he loves gummie. I think he thought he would turn gay or something.

  8. 8
    Becky says:

    What, like they’re Vitamin Gay?  Boys are so silly.

  9. 9

    LOL – this reminded me of the first romance I wrote (thankfully, it was never published) in which my heroine, a librarian, took out the bad guy with a huge dictionary.

    You know, if we talk about this enough the FAA is going to start adding books to the banned items for carry-on luggage…

  10. 10
    Cat Marsters says:

    This is so funny, because I just, this morning, finished reading Emma Cambell Webster’s Being Elizabeth Bennet, which is like one of those create-your-own-adventure things I used to read as a teenager, but based on P&P;.  There are many ‘diversions’, some of them based on other Austen novels, and some of them, er, not (at least, not unless I’ve been grossly misled as to the true contents of Northanger Abbey).

    My personal favourites were the ones where Elizabeth accepts Mr Collins’s proposal, but finds him so loathsome she kills him with a heavy copy of Fordyce’s Sermons; Elizabeth accepts Darcy’s first proposal, even though at this point she still loathes him but just wants the money, and falls into a steamy affair with the gardener which ends in them living in penury in Portsmouth; Elizabeth agrees to marry Darcy’s cousin Colonel Fitzwilliam, which prompts a distraught Darcy to call him out, but before the duel begins Lady Catherine shoots Elizabeth so she can’t marry either of her precious nephews.  Darcy then shoots his aunt, his cousin (“You could never love her like I do!”), and himself, dying in Elizabeth’s arms.

    It was almost disappointing to get to the proper ending.

  11. 11
    snarkhunter says:

    Haaah! Cat, that’s awesome.

    Although I have to admit that my stupid, literal brain went, “A heavy copy of Fordyce’s Sermons? Pfft. That book wasn’t that big. And it would’ve been even smaller in its eighteenth-century binding.”

    And then I bitch-slapped my brain and enjoyed the joke.

    (Still. She should’ve used the Vindication of the Rights of Woman.Now THAT would’ve kicked ass.)

  12. 12
    molly_rose says:

    Did anyone notice the jolly rancher joke further down on the gummies page? ha!
    also, ckeck out the diamond shreddies link, this is exactly my kind of humor…

  13. 13
    Joanna S. says:

    I just finished the new Charlaine Harris myself, and I actually dropped the book at that scene because I started clapping!  I LOVED that the bad guy was taken down by a romance novel to the head – and perhaps Nora Roberts’ books come with a special “saving women from evildoers” feature?  But only in hardback…heh. 

    Amazon should really consider adding that to their “these titles just in…” tagline!

  14. 14
    Estara says:

    If you’re enjoying the Jane Austen comics, have you seen her historical comics? She also does great autobiographical ones
    http://www.katebeaton.com/Site/History_Project.html
    http://www.katebeaton.com/Site/History_Project_2.html
    http://www.katebeaton.com/Site/Old_History.html

    She had the Tesla one made into a limited t-shirt. Go Kate!

  15. 15
    sara says:

    Must’ve been Birthright. That sucker was enormous.

  16. 16
    Poison Ivy says:

    I threatened a groper on a subway with a hardcover book. The little slime was unhappy because I caught him groping two women under cover of a newspaper. One of which was me. When I told him to get up from his seat, he started whining. Then I hefted the book towards him menacingly, and he ran away. I think it was an old Mary Roberts Rinehart. Still, it’s Roberts, isn’t it?

    Loved the Jane comics and the lighthouse candy. No, it’s never an accident. It’s all men have on their minds.

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