Clinch covers: the revenge

In this week’s cover snark: oceans of fabric, and we do mean oceans. And then a peekaboo leg. What the hell is up with that? And also mullets, but then we’ve given up on speculating why those are still around.

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Candy (in an appalling David Attenborough impression): “And here we see the rare Bedsheet Hellbeast consuming its prey. By cleverly simulating high-threadcount linens, this nocturnal beast often sets out lures for the unsuspecting human, often in the form of a member of the opposite sex with over-developed mammaries. The victims’ attempts to escape are futile once they fall into its grasp. Witness the writhings of this particular victim. Her attempts to claw her way out will only entangle her further.”

Sarah: Some heroes shapeshift and turn into wolves. Seals. Lions. Tigers. Lygers. Oh my. But this guy, he shapeshifts into the finest Egyptian cotton bedsheets. Pretty handy when company invades at the last minute. But then, you know the wet spot? He IS the wet spot.

And what is up with her toes? Check out the udder-ly bizarre toes under the “SS” in “Passion.” Perhaps she’s shifting, only instead of bedsheets, she’s a mop.

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Candy: “And here we see a close cousin of the Bedsheet Hellbeast, the Wedding Dress Snorcher. Notice how the lure in this instance is coated with a sheen of digestive enzymes. This makes the breaking down of the copious amounts of keratin on this particular prey an easier enterprise.”

Sarah: There’s simply not enough double-leg amputee romance out there. And there’s really not enough double-leg amputee who was the victim of a rogue wedding gown that twisted itself around his thighs, cutting off circulation in a fit of jealous rage.

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Candy: “And here we see a juvenile Snorcher in the preliminary stages of acquiring its prey. Notice how it attaches a feeding veil to the head of its victim. This allows it to render its victim unconscious, thereby eliminating the dangers associated with vigorous struggling.”

Sarah: Yet another secret kept by heroines all over RomanceLandia: how to hide the hideously calloused feet. Climbing all those mountains barefoot wearing wedding dresses and ballgowns, it leaves one with soles of leather, rough enough to sand chopped wood into floorboards and thick enough to walk over hot coals, hot water, and the hot oil treatment preferred by this and every hero. It’s a trick, keeping those yellow soles hidden from view. How do they do it? We may never know.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Esri Rose says:

    Them are some freaky alien toes on the first cover.

    Security word: walked77

  2. 2
    lijakaca says:

    Does it not look like they used the same white, slightly iridescent bedsheet for all three covers? It just needed some tailoring for its final incarnation as “Mountain-top Wedding Gown + Billowing Veil”

  3. 3
    Cathy in AK says:

    In the first one, her back looks broken.  Is that another attack of the Bedsheet Hellbeast?  Also, what is her right leg hooked over?

    The last two make me wonder what happen to the rest of the grooms’ tuxedos.  Assuming, of course, those ARE the grooms.

    I think all three used the same guy at different stages of mullet-tude and tanning spray application.

  4. 4
    B says:

    Um…okay…the first two are in bed, so I can deal with them not having shirts on.

    But the last guy is on a freakin’ mountain! Where’s his shirt at?

    Code is gives48. As in, what gives!? Or as in, gives teh dude shirt plx?

  5. 5
    Deb Kinnard says:

    Who wrote the rule that covers must display women who can stand on one foot? I don’t even know many kids who can do that.

    So now we get to choose between half-bodies on the contemporaries, and the Great Fabric Snork on historicals.

    Sheesh. It’s enough to make me run for the science fiction shelf, where the Pit Vugs are.

  6. 6
    KimberlyD says:

    The first chick’s left leg (the one thats partially eaten by the Bedsheet Hellbeast) just doesn’t look right. Granted, it is a partially digested leg. But still, compare that part of her calf to her right leg. They aren’t even close to being the same size.

  7. 7
    Silver James says:

    I think all three used the same guy at different stages of mullet-tude and tanning spray application.

    Cathy – I’m convinced they are all from the same family. Note that besides the men being vaguely tripletish, the women all have the same pert little upturned and pointy noses, the same high cheekbones and graceful sweep of their jaws.

    I’m wondering if that isn’t one of his legs/feet/toes in that first cover? That cover is just wrong on so many different levels.

  8. 8
    Becs says:

    What’s up with the first guy’s abs?  They just look wrong.

  9. 9
    Saysh says:

    What I don’t get (and oh, yes, there are a LOT of things)is what is up with the guy’s torso on the first cover.  The sheet is down far below his natural waist.. but nothing shows..  kind of like he’s really reptilian or maybe a merman under there….

    Hmmmmmm.

  10. 10

    B, his shirt blew off in the wind.  I think the same thing happened to her stockings.

  11. 11
    Kim says:

    It’s too early in the morning for me to be looking at such horror…

    The first cover.  Those aren’t her legs or the mushed up remains of her feet.  They’re the leftovers from torso man’s last victim as they *can’t* be attached to her body.

    My eyes need something nice to look at so I’m off to stare at the ferrets again.

  12. 12
    ev says:

    For god’s sake I haven’t even had my first cup of coffee yet.

    I’m joining Kim at the ferret’s.

  13. 13
    LeaF says:

    The sheet is down far below his natural waist.. but nothing shows..  kind of like he’s really reptilian or maybe a merman under there….

    That was the first thing I thought of when looking at what was exposed on the woman out from under the Bedsheet Hellbeast – feet flippers – her legs also appear to be at an odd angle to her body – “mermaid manifestation” perhaps. Definitely a Neanderthal, “Fabio” look alike there… Is he still around?

  14. 14
    ev says:

    Definitely a Neanderthal, “Fabio” look alike there… Is he still around?

    Oh yeah. go over to Lifetime and RBTB with Michelle- and you can see her recent interview with him. In bed.

  15. 15
    LeaF says:

    Oh yeah. go over to Lifetime and RBTB with Michelle- and you can see her recent interview with him. In bed.

    Covered in the Bedsheet Hellbeast no doubt???

  16. 16

    Ooooh, bed linen porn!  ‘Scuse me while I go caress the Porthaults.

  17. 17
    Robinjn says:

    That second cover? I can hear the artist talking to herself. “Holy Christ, why did I pick this stupid wallpaper. It’s hard as shit to paint and my deadline is tomorrow. I know. I’ll just put lots of crumply white crap in there and call it the dress. They’ll never know.”

    Notice the area under her hair on the right? It’s not even painted. It’s just bare canvas.

  18. 18
    Uppity Rib says:

    I totally want my bridegroom to go topless to our wedding. I mean, if I have to go shoeless, it’s only fair.

  19. 19
    J.C. Wilder says:

    I finally know why there are so many naked male chests on romances these days – the heroines are hogging the bedsheets! Those get-ups are JI-normous!

  20. 20
    karmelrio says:

    The guy on the second cover insisted he was going to wear the pretty skirt too.

  21. 21
    Jennie says:

    That first cover reminds me of the NCIS autopsy scenes where they use bright light or soft focus to cover up the “choice bits” of the naked corpses.

    My word is “wish64”.  I wish I’d clicked on the ferret cam instead of the nasty covers.

  22. 22
    voodoo chile says:

    Hilarious! Totally ridiculous covers.  I’ve always HATED reading good boos w/crappy covers.  The flowing hair, contortionist poses, heaving bosoms and Fabio like hair are just killer.  I can’t take it.

  23. 23
    amy lane says:

    I don’t know…maybe they just got involved in a terrible fabric mill accident… I mean, no SANE person would want all that billowy sateen tangled in their nubile, spray-tanned, satan toes, right?

  24. 24
    Ms Manna says:

    often in the form of a member of the opposite sex with over-developed mammaries

    That’s a tad unfair.  I don’t think his man titties are *that* big.

  25. 25
    Anj says:

    Dude. That first chick’s left leg has a knee about halfway down her calf! That is the only explanation for the angle of her foot compared to the angle of her body. And her beau does kind of look like he’s leaping out of the water…

    But the third one, who’s Momma would let them walk down the (mountain) aisle in a wedding dress slit up to her vagoo? It’s either that or her man got as angry at her skirt as he did at his shirt.

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