The Chocolate Balloon Knot: A Smart Bitch Contest!

It’s been awhile since we’ve had a contest, don’t you think? I mean, we’ve named sex toys, written LOL Romance queries, crafted LOLHOffs, and written cover copy based on nonsense spam words from Sarah’s inbox. But you know, there’s one place we haven’t been yet, one path we haven’t taken, one deep, dark secret ecstacy we haven’t yet explored.

You guessed it: anal!

Thanks to Kate from Ramblings on Romance, my eyeballs were forever assaulted by the first and absolutely real chocolate starfish. That’s right: an edible anus. (Can you imagine that “edibleanus.com” wasn’t already taken by some enterprising cyber squatter, emphasis on “squat?”) While the shop is closed right now and you can’t procure a chocolate representation of the Hershey highway for your very own until Memorial Day (and what a day to remember THAT will be), we here at Bitchery headquarters never want to skip an opportunity to exercise our abs with the romance and the absurd.

And speaking of absurd, check out the page for the “limited edition solid silver anus:”

55 grams of hallmarked silver, cradled in a magnificent presentation box and exquisitely crafted into that most sensuous of body parts: a unique, elegant and thought-provoking gift.

People come and people go. Our solid silver anus is immune from the daily wear and tear that similar products experience. A quality product immortalised in silver…for the man who has everything.”

Two words, people, two words: Father’s. Day.
Two more words – no, three: Smart Bitch Contest! 

All awe and giggles at the solid silver booty holes aside, we must consider it our solemn dooty, I mean, duty, to hold a contest to celebrate the imminent sales extravaganza that is the solid chocolate doorway to the doody canal. Seriously! What better promotional effort could release wads of dollars from the tight brown folds of your nearest wallet like the Smart Bitchery’s purplest prose?

So, here’s the deal: send Sarah (sarah @ smartbitchestrashybooks.com) your finest over-the-top purplest purple (or brown) prose example of an anal sex scene (250 word limit, please!) by midnight tonight 21 May 2008, Pacific Time. I’ll collate and post them all and you can vote and giggle at the wonderment.

Winner as voted in the comments will receive a Smart Bitch Title™, a Romance Novel Magnetic Poetry Kit, and a gift certificate to Powell’s or Amazon, winner’s choice.

Any questions? Send ‘em where the sun don’t shine. Just kidding.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    katiebabs says:

    Imagine if you buy two boxes of anus you get a free chocolate enema to go with it?

  2. 2
    Christine says:

    That would make the perfect gag gift, don’t you think?  Pun intended.

    Can’t wait to see what the creative people come up with just so they can win some shit.  LOL oh my… the places this will go…

  3. 3

    Wait a minute…you’re not giving away the silver asshole?  And here I had visions of that sitting on my desk as my new paperweight.

    I wonder if it can be used as an inkwell?  That would give dipping my pen a whole new meaning.

    I’d have to buy brown ink though.  The purple I’m using now would look too much like someone in need of a medical intervention.

  4. 4
    Claudia says:

    Since my mom thought Spongebob was a piece of cheese, the evil child in me is already laughing at giving this a bday gift!

  5. 5
    Esri Rose says:

    I would enter, but my jaw is resting on the keyboard.

  6. 6
    Esri Rose says:

    And can I be first to say, “Holy Chocolate Anus, Batman!”

    Actually, The Silver Anus would make a good arch-nemesis name.

  7. 7
    kelly says:

    and can I be first to say, “Holy Chocolate Anus, Batman!”

    Actually, The Silver Anus would make a good arch-nemesis name.

    you’d better claim that scenario now, otherwise some inspired slash-obsessed fangirl is gonna take that premise and probably screw it up.

  8. 8
    Rebecca says:

    you’d better claim that scenario now, otherwise some inspired slash-obsessed fangirl is gonna take that premise and probably screw it up.

    Don’t you mean, “and probably bugger it up?”

    Sorry.

  9. 9
    Karen B says:

    LOL Darlene.  I can’t wait to read the posts and wish I was creative enough to enter.  *sigh*

  10. 10
    oakling says:

    THAT’S the most sensuous of body parts? I can think of so many alternatives just off the top of my head…. (arguably even including the top of my head.)

  11. 11

    Ha!  The incredible edible anus web site has “Testimonials.”  I guess it’s the best anus some folks have ever eaten!

  12. 12
    Suzanne says:

    You bitches kill me…bunch of great humored ladies on this site!

    “The Silver Anus”…too funny!

    Alas, I am not creative enough to wax eloquent on the assholes!  I can’t wait to read what you wonderfully creative people come up with…it should be a treat…a chocolate anus treat to be exact!

  13. 13
    Flo says:

    Oh man… I have awful awful awful ideas that have to do with Alli and a romantic interlude.  But I’m so afraid people will vomit when I’m done.

  14. 14
    BevQB says:

    Chocolate Balloon Knot? Chocolate Starfish?  HAH! Those descriptions only work if you’ve never given birth. The real contest should be to find euphamisms for a post-natal one without using the words “baboon butt”.

  15. 15
    Joanne says:

    OMG, just when you think you’ve seen it all.

    Well it’s taken years but that silver do-dad (oh, there’s a pun, for sure) has almost taken away my eternal craving for chocolate.  ALMOST. I won’t read the replys just in case.
    Good luck to all that enter.

    OKAY, I have to stop….

  16. 16
    karmelrio says:

    Alas, I am not creative enough to wax eloquent on the assholes!

    Waxing…assholes…

    Hmm.

  17. 17
    Suzanne says:

    karmelrio…“waxing”…I caught that after I hit submit!  HA!

  18. 18
    TraeCat says:

    One has to wonder where the original mold came from. or not wonder.

    the incredible edible anus….does it come with warm and gooey chocolately filling?

    couldn’t stop my fingers from typing that…

  19. 19
    staciemc says:

    the incredible edible anus….does it come with warm and gooey chocolately filling?

    TraeCat, I was thinking the same thing. Only perhaps a nutty-nougat filling would be better.

  20. 20
    SonomaLass says:

    Our solid silver anus is immune from the daily wear and tear that similar products experience. A quality product immortalised in silver…for the man who has everything.

    “Daily wear and tear”????  Wow.  And if you haven’t read the testimonials, do; some of them are pretty funny.

  21. 21
    MplsGirl says:

    Do they make chocolate boobs, too? What about a chocolate penis? Imagine the fun (?) you could have with all three? This takes playing with your food to a new level.

    I can’t help but wonder, what are the “similar products” to a solid silver anus?

    spamword: things 39. Title for a story: 39 things to do with a chocolate [or solid silver] anus.

  22. 22
    SusanA says:

    So instead of anal bleaching, a white chocolate anus? Or one with cream cheese frosting?

  23. 23
    Suze says:

    What exactly is a “professional anus commentator”?  Or do I want to know?

  24. 24
    Miranda says:

    Do they make chocolate boobs, too? What about a chocolate penis?

    Yup. They make those too. Also chocolate vaginas.

  25. 25
    Mary Lynn says:

    This only needs accompanying sugar free chocolates to give you the runs!!!

  26. 26
    Mary Lynn says:

    You have to come up with a “Silver Anus” award category!!!

  27. 27
    Mary Lynn says:

    You must come up a “Silver Anus” award category!

  28. 28
    Carrie Lofty says:

    I can’t participate. My mommy would find out I wrote about very naughty things. Then Thanksgiving would become an awkward, awkward holiday. I’d miss out on turkey. Not cool.

  29. 29
    Eunice says:

    I just noticed one of the post tags is “make the burning stop.” Water snorting!

  30. 30
    lizziebee says:

    How did I not realise I should have put my cup of coffee down before I read both post & comments…

    Holy Chocolate Anus, Batman.

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