More clinch covers to fascinate and horrify!

It’s hard to beat a good old-fashioned clinch if you’re looking that delicious taste of WHAT IN THE FUCK in the morning.

So here. Have some delicious WHAT THE FUCK this morning.

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Candy: He looks inordinately pleased that he’s broken her hip, doesn’t he? Maybe because it means she can’t run away from his swarthy charms as fast as she used to.

Sarah: A new facet of Native American culture that I didn’t know about: ear wax, it is teh sexxey.

At least, that’s the only explanation I’ve got as to why she’s posed such that he’s gazing down her ear canal.

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Candy: Good lord, people! What’s with all the poor freaked-out horsies on romance novel covers? Is every day Throw A Rattlesnake in Front of Your Horse Day in Romancelandia? Jesus, do I even want to know what kind of euphemism “rattlesnake” stands for? (Or is it, in fact, a spitting viper?)

The guy, on the other hand, looks surprisingly sanguine—indifferent, even—at the prospect of having his neck snapped in short order, because given the way his shirt is flailing in the wind, I seriously doubt he’s keeping his seat for much longer.

Sarah: The reins are to the left, his ass is to the right, his jacket’s off his middle – and UNH! Down he goes! I hereby invite that horse to take a bite of this moron, because he’s a disgrace to horseback riders everywhere.

Unless what we’re seeing here is Outraged Horsie’s Revenge, as we witness the opening moments of Mr. Stallion whipping Captain Bonerdeath around by the reins and tossing him into the nearest embankment.

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Candy: She looks awfully blissed out for somebody who’s getting her upper back humped by a gym monkey. Maybe because he’s putting a vibrating cock ring to novel uses? Or maybe it’s all part of a new Sexy Chiropractic Adjustment regime—the, uh, staff of manliness is utilized as a lever?

Aww, using your cock therapeutically—if that doesn’t say Twu Wuv, I don’t know what does.

Sarah: Ah, the ice dancing romance novel cover art series. This is book 1. Stay tuned for the covers for book two and three, based on ice dancing’s more advanced and certainly cover-worthy poses.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    MamaNice says:

    The ice dancing covers…I really think you’re on to something, srsly genius.

    It’s not the horse that will serve Mr. Bonerdeath his doom, it’s the shirt that’s ATTACKING him!!!

    And what’s with the lame ass titles – “Her Officer and A Gentlemen” “Her Master and Commander?”  What’s next…“Her Rebel Without a Cause?” “Her Midnight Cowboy?”

  2. 2
    Jen C says:

    I love the Karen Hawkins cover in all its WTF glory.  Mostly I am just excited to be about to read it (in the sense that it is somewhere in my TBR pile- it may see the light before 2008 ends!  Or maybe not.)

    The girl on The Lover looks a wee bit twisted.  If it weren’t for the fact that many Native American romances feature scenes where Whitey gives up on the ways of her people, I would tell her to go to the doctor.

  3. 3

    Those cannot possibly be her arms in The Crimson Lady. Unless she’s actually dead, which the look on her face would suggest.

    OW!

    Looks like the guy in the second cover is actually riding a ghost stallion. Spooky!

  4. 4

    I think the guy in The Crimson Lady has longer eye lashes than the heroine. He actually seems…feminine. Hmmmm

  5. 5
    Silver James says:

    Ah ha, Marianne…Then the guy on

    Crimson Lady

    should be on the

    Her Midnight Cowboy

    cover (title suggested by MamaNice) because we all know that the Twu Wuv of a busty beauty will turn a gay guy straight. *snort* And you know….I just had to sit through a marathon of “America’s Next Top Model” and…uhm…I think whoever designs some of these covers is a fan. Haute couteur? More like hawt cooties, to me.

  6. 6
    karmelrio says:

    Hot cooter.  Just call the book “Hot Cooter” and be done with it.

  7. 7
    Kismet says:

    Maybe the third cover should be a time travel…. hero and heroine suddenly end up in a 21st century night club and heroine learns to get low ;)

  8. 8
    flip says:

    http://salmongutter.blogspot.com/

    Someone posted this blog on the biology professor’s blog. This site is great. I love the covers of pulp fiction. Check it out. It is too funny.

    my word is life58 which amuses me since I was born in 58

  9. 9
    Midnight Voyager says:

    I admit, I am pleasantly surprised. The “Native American” guy? Actually looks somewhat Native American!

    …except for the fact that they chopped the head off a Native American and pasted it on a tanned guy’s body.

    Either that, or I am entirely wrong. Maybe it’s the shadow of his Hair over his face. Either way, that’s the most convincing faux Native American I’ve seen on a romance novel cover, which isn’t saying much.

  10. 10
    Laura says:

    Re. Her Officer and Gentlemen – it’s always nice to see the Hoff getting work, though the chest wax was probably a bit much.

    moral35? Are they kidding me?

  11. 11
    Gwen says:

    That last one looks like an ad for the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” gizmos.

  12. 12
    kaetchen says:

    OMG!! I actually have one of these covers saved on my computer, to send to the Bitches for a snark. But I did the inside cover picture, too, where the horsie has tossed his inept rider and is now happily rearing (the horse version of the finger, I’m sure) in the distance.  Yay horsie!

    I totally need to get off my ass and send the others I have scanned, before someone steals my man-titty thunder.

  13. 13
    Anj says:

    I can’t get over the horse in the second one. My first thought was he was riding a gigantic toy horse because the horse looked super huge … and then I thought maybe he was riding one of those poor barrel shaped horses (poor horsie)… and then I realized it was just shading…

    I very much like the idea of the horse giving him the finger in the background. That horse does not look happy with him…

    If only we could put some of those ice dancers in full regency dress and paste them onto covers… I would buy the books immediately upon sight.

  14. 14
    Esri Rose says:

    Them are the kama sutra of ice-dancing poses! What’s the second one called, do you think? “Show the audience her Valkyrie candy”?

  15. 15
    Esri Rose says:

    Karmlerio: Hot Cooter! Haha! It’s true. though. I can’t tell you how many titles I went through with my publisher, and finally I suggested “Bound to Love Her,” because I knew they would consider it bondage-sexy, but for me it meant the paranormal bond between the H&H;(there’s no bondage in the book). I also hoped I could sneak in “Bound to Remember” for the second, where the elves start losing their memories. Nope. “Not romancey enough.” My husband asked, “What’d you finally get? Bound to Copulate?” I said, “Nope. Bound to Fuck Her.” It’s something else, but you get the idea.

  16. 16
    Midnight Voyager says:

    I totally need to get off my ass and send the others I have scanned, before someone steals my man-titty thunder.

    Man-Titty Thunder. That by Cassie Edwards? No, not Savage enough… Maybe Putney?

  17. 17
    Esri Rose says:

    Not that I don’t love my publisher, because I do. They have the eperience and they know what sells best.

    My third book will be “Hot Elven Cooter.”

  18. 18
    Dak says:

    What’s the second one called, do you think? “Show the audience her Valkyrie candy”?

    No, that’s the Polovetsian Pussy.  The first one seems to be Carmen’s Cunnilingus.

    Oh, come on.  I can’t be the only one who watches ice dancing.

    doing77 Heh.  Not quite, but almost.

  19. 19
    Esri Rose says:

    Flip: Outstanding link for the pulp fiction covers! I particularly liked the promise that, “The macabre wife swapping escapades will make you vomit!” That’s what I look for in entertainment. In fact, I wonder what ever happened to the Vomitcapades?

  20. 20

    Actually, on second look, the third cover looks like she’s already dead and he’s dragging her lifeless body away to a shallow grave…

  21. 21
    Esri Rose says:

    Romance novels and ice dancing—separated at birth?

    http://tinyurl.com/4w9xl6

    I think so!

  22. 22
    DS says:

    Oh my, I followed one of the links to a cover on an early Harlequin western:

    http://www.bookscans.com/Oddities/faro.htm

  23. 23
    Erastes says:

    The lover:  I can’t see what’s got her so ecstatic.  Perhaps he’s got something strapped to his other knee?

    Please PLEASE don’t get me started on the horse one.  It’s physically impossible for a body to twist like that and still have a leg over the other side -–it seems he’s sitting sidesaddle and he’s an amputee? And WHY are the reins over the horse’s head? 

    I was wondering about the shirt thing? It looks like there is someone IN that shirt, perhaps an invisible woman which is why the horse is complaining? Although it could be that he resents the rider having a better mullet than he does.

    As for the Crimson Lady – it seems obvious that he’s a vampire, so I doubt she’ll be crimson for long…

  24. 24
    karmelrio says:

    I would totally read a book called “Hot Elven Cooter.”  Esri, you’d better snag it before LKH uses it for her next Merry Gentry book.

    Yeah, I said it.

  25. 25
    Anj says:

    *snort* “Hot Elven Cooter”  My first thought was this was a Stephanie Plum-esque number book. But I was wrong. Which makes much funnier.
    Actually, LKH should probably just retitle the series. Much more descriptive of what it actually is about…

    ‘Her Officer and Gentlemen’… I just looked at it (too) closely and I realized you can’t see the reign running over the horse’s nose.  So unless the horse is also chomping on the reigns, one end just dissapears into his head.
    Poor horse.

  26. 26
    SonomaLass says:

    I have made the ice dancing connection myself; change their clothes and MANY clinchey cover couples look like they wannabe Torvill & Dean.  It’s just the long skirts that get in the way….the guys’ clothes are usually about right.

  27. 27
    Chrissy says:

    The Karen Hawkins cover dude better split up them reins and put them on BOTH sides, or he’ll spend the entire novel riding in a very tight circle…

    Although… the bit seems to have vanished into some space-time-continuum with some of his clothing, so…

  28. 28
    Ciar Cullen says:

    I think the ice dancer’s right hand is broken, and she’s on a serious narcotic, given the expression on her face. I love when my husband holds me like that, though. Really makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, like I’m passing out in a hospital hallway or something.

  29. 29
    Wryhag says:

    Oh, tell me that isn’t Nathan Kamp on the Hawkins cover!  I’ve just been over at DA, where a bunch of us have been Nathan Kamping ourselves into a group swoon.

    Is it he, or am I starting to hallucinate?  Hell, I might have to stay up real late, writing, just to sublimate myself out of this lustapalooza.

  30. 30
    Gwen says:

    Wryhag – of course it’s Nathan Kamp. 

    Besides, the odds of it being anyone else is infinitessimal, given how many covers he’s on these days.

    But, it’s him.  I’d recognize those cheekbones anywhere.

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