Here. Page One Trickery For You.

Oh, what funny funny lurks in the heart of Amazon Preview and old skool Virginia Henley: have a snort at page 1 of Dream Lover.

What parodies lurk in the hearts of the Bitchery? I may have to find out.

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  1. 1

    MON DIEU!

    What is this woman doing to Flipper?!

  2. 2

    Is it sad that I knew by the end of the first paragraph she was looking at some kind of cetacean? Someone needs to revoke my erotic writing license.

    Virginia Henley is very naughty.

  3. 3
    Anne Douglas says:

    What the… Oh my!

  4. 4

    No Parody.
    DO NOT WANT!

  5. 5
    Graciela says:

    *snork*
    *reads again*
    *snorks harder*

    My word: into44.  *snorks for the third and last time*

  6. 6
    Sarah Frantz says:

    If one were feeling particularly belligerent, one might point out that on the second page, there’s a sentence that sent me running for my Google Fu:  “This mineral must therefore be anglesite, sulphate of lead in white prismatic crystals that were semitransparent, giving off an adamantine luster that resembled the sparkle of diamonds.”  It’s closest to the British Scrabble Dictionary definition of anglesite, but not completely word-for-word.  Why did anyone think that this was an appealing way to write a book, for heaven’s sake?

  7. 7
    Kendra says:

    You should check out the Pirate and the Pagan! LMAO That one gave me the shock of my young life, since I was about 16 when I read it.
    Opening hook just to wet your appetite “What a beautiful cock”.

    I love Virgina’s books, have been a fan for many years.

    Pirate and Pagan

  8. 8
    TracyS says:

    LOL Kendra, the opening page of Pirate and Pagan is even better than Dream Lover!  I can’t stop laughing!  That has to be one of the best first sentences in a book. Ever.

  9. 9
    Scotsie says:

    The opening of Dream Lover reminds me of a collection of short stories I was forced to read when I starting working in publishing (previous to switching to librarianship).  It was called Tart Noir and had an erotic story of a woman who falls in love with a dolphin, has beaucoup de sex with the dolphin and eventually bears a half-dolphin, half-human baby. 

    We made all our new employees read it.  If they could get through that, we figured they could handle the rest of the mass-markets we published.

  10. 10
    Dalia says:

    I knew it was a dolphin right away. Am I weird?

  11. 11

    I’m feeling a bit warm.  That was classic!

  12. 12
    Midknyt says:

    Well, since you told us it was a parody I was trying to guess the whole way through…

    …is there something wrong with me if I thought after the first paragraph it was birth?  (Which birth just makes me go ew anyway, so it was doubly disgusting).

    Then I thought maybe it was a horse in a waterfall or something, but that whole rolling over thing wouldn’t have worked so well, not to mention the gross factor of being spit in the face.  (Which then had me thinking llamas…I really, really suck at this game!)

    The Pirate and Pagan one was better (especially since I got that one).

    My word: never19.  Yes, never in 19 years would I have guessed a dolphin.

  13. 13
    Graciela says:

    Half-dolphin, half-human baby?  DO NOT WANT!

  14. 14

    What did you think it was? she asks innocently.

    I thought it was birth too, Midknyt! You are not alone in your sickness.

    What a tease is Miss Henley.

  15. 15
    KatieO says:

    I thought it was a seal for a moment. Then all the pieces came together. May I add, where can one find this dolphin baby story? If it’s a secret dolphin baby, I’m all over it. I might have to keep a barf bucket close by, but I’m willing to make that sacrifice.

  16. 16
    Julie Leto says:

    Virginia Henley has a wicked sense of humor.  In her books and in person.  She’s a grand-dame of the romance industry and I, for one, love her to pieces.

    I remember this…and Pirate and the Pagan.  My favorite book of hers is The Hawk and the Dove, but it didn’t have one of her classic double entendre openings.

  17. 17

    Was he perhaps, a MIAMI DOLPHIN??

  18. 18
    orangehands says:

    What is wrong with me that I knew it was a dolphin?

    Though I gotta say, hats off, that woman is great

    It was called Tart Noir and had an erotic story of a woman who falls in love with a dolphin, has beaucoup de sex with the dolphin and eventually bears a half-dolphin, half-human baby.

    How the…you know what, never mind. I really don’t want the imag- ah hell, there it is.

  19. 19
    Scotsie says:

    Here you go!  Tart Noir a la Amazon

    For your secret half-human/half-dolphin baby pleasure.

    And now you all know who I used to work for ;)  Gotta love The Bird.

  20. 20
    Scotsie says:

    I believe the story title is “Stormy, Mon Amour.”

    Ick.

  21. 21
    Barbara says:

    Ok, I just have to check out Tart Noir now. It’s probably something I’m gong to regret, lol.

  22. 22
    KatieO says:

    I’ve got it put on hold at the library. The collection sounds like a winner: biologically impossible half-human/half-dolphin baby, fried uterus, other ‘tarty’ acts and consequences. What more could a reader want?

  23. 23
    Claudia says:

    This thread is a hoot. I couldn’t remember such trickery in Enslaved—the only Henley I’ve read—but lo, it was there when I checked Amazon :)

  24. 24
    Beth says:

    There’s something kinda fishy about an author who tries to make you think her heroine is fucking a dolphin….

  25. 25

    There’s a whole lotta wrong crammed onto one page there.  And how wrong am I that I guessed dolphin almost at once?  (Almost—I admit to thinking of birth first, too.  Eww and eww.)

  26. 26
    Laura D says:

    What did I read that had a funnier dolphin/female sex scene?  Could be a HaBO, except I’m not sure it was Romance—maybe mystery?  Synopsis:  Woman sneaks into SeaWorld-type place, determined to mate with her one true soul mate.  She dives in the tank, snuggles up to him, and gets him all ready to rumble.  But what she didn’t know?  Dolphins mate in the bottom of the deep blue sea.  They don’t come up for air.  Bummer for her.  La grande mort.

  27. 27
    Cassie says:

    Argh! 

    I can’t decide whether to laugh or be really scared…

  28. 28
    Esri Rose says:

    Laura D: I remember that, too. I’m pretty sure it was a Carl Hiaasen novel—probably Native Tongue.

  29. 29
    Kaite says:

    Oh, God. I’m going to have to read her books now, I see. I’m slightly squicked, ungodly amused, and still smiling about this one. :)

    The dolphin snuff sex was in Naked Came the Manatee, which I know because I was completely grossed out by the interspecies sex, but definitely amused by what she got for her troubles. IIRC, she worked for the Sea World stand in as a dolphin trainer and was fired for falling in love with the dolphin. Well, I remember that because it amused, I know it was NCtM because I’ve never made it all the way through a Hiaasen novel.

  30. 30
    Kerry says:

    Sharyn McCrumb’s If I’d Killed Him When I Met Him has a woman in love with a dolphin too.

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