Contest Ahoy! Get out your minibar bottles and start mixing! Kathleen O’Reilly has sent me a fair pile of her new book, Nightcap 
Since the O’Sullivan brothers own a bar, your task, should you choose to accept it, is to create a drink recipe and name it. It doesn’t matter if the drink actually tastes good – so many mixed drinks are made with vodka, which makes me wicked ill, so don’t worry that I’m standing by with a titanium liver and a top shelf bar ready to test-drive your concoctions. Heh. “Concoctions.”
So, bang a gong, it is on. Bring in your best made-up Smart Bitch Happy Hour cocktail (Heh heh. “cocktail.”) and post it in the comments. It doesn’t have to be about sex or screwing or banging a bartender but hey, with the language of mixology, there’s plenty of room for some funny recipes. You have until 2am eastern to post your drink mix (Last Call!), and then comments will expire.
Kathleen O’Reilly will judge the top 5, and winners get books. Sorry, I can’t ship alcohol across state lines without a license. Otherwise I’d send you booze, too.
Gobbler’s Knob
One shot Wild Turkey
One shot ginger ale
Cup of chipped ice.
Shaken vigorously. Garnish with orange slice.
Good Night
1 bottle of champayne
4 ounces of Rye or Vodka or both
8 ounces of Drambui
1/2 cup of sugar
dash of grenadine for color
Stir, pour over ice in a VERY tall glass, add lemon wedge and a straw.
drink and find a lap to sit in
Man Titty
1 shot rum (because some of those boys are very rum indeed)
1 shot vodka (for fuzzy round the edges)
2 shots passion (fruit) juice (because we all know that’s what they’re thinking)
Salt round the rim and 2 cherries to serve.
Tina C asks that I post on her behalf:
The Aztec
1 oz Godiva Chocolate liqueur
1/2 oz high-end, top shelf tequila
1/2 oz Goldschlauger cinnamon liqueur (it has real gold flakes)
Lovely Lady Humps
1/2 cup orange soda
1 shot vanilla vodka
1 shot peach liquor
ice
garnish with 2 generous peach slices and a good dollop of whipped cream
Feel free to hum Prince’s tune ‘Cream’ while you mix.
SMART BITCH – sweet with a sting
1 shot DeKuyper cherry schnapps
1 shot Hot Damn cinnamon schnapps
1 shot vodka
Shake, pour over ice.
Garnish with stemmed cherry.
I’m not actually competing, but I thought I’d throw out the Most Popular Drink from my college marching band days. (Go, Florida State University Marching Chiefs!)
Anyone who thinks musicians are wimps hasn’t ever had Hairy Buffalo.
This is not exactly scientific
1 40 qt. ice chest
Lotsa ice
Lotsa clear sodas (ginger ale, Sprite, 7-up, etc)
Lotsa clear alcohols
Definitely some grain alcohol (we used to have to cross state lines to obtain this ingredient)
Fresh cut fruit.
Shredded coconut (this is what made it “hairy”)
And if you add Grape Kool-Aid, it becomes known as Purple Jesus.
Hairy Face – rough going down!
1 shot Tequila
1 shot Southern Comfort
1 shot Triple Sec
Apple Juice
Lime Zest
Man Juice – a shooter
1 single shot of Scottish Whisky
1 dollop of mayonaise
In Ur Ass, Savin’ Ur Life
(Inspired by the Decadent review)
1 shot Jägermeister
1 shot Strawberry Pucker
1 shot Cherry Pucker
1 shot Watermelon Pucker
First, take a whiff of the delicious smell of the three pucker shots. Then, completely mess up your senses by drinking the Jager (definitely not what you were expecting, right?). Follow up the Jager with the three pucker shots. The yummy flavor will definitely be a life saver and the results of the drink will leave you as confused as the book.
Centrifugal Bumblepuppy
Lots of Ice
1/4 cup Vodka
Grape Juice
Apple Juice
Cranberry Juice
Fill (and I mean fill) 2qt blender with ice. Add vodka. Fill remaining space with juice in whatever flavor proportion tastes good to you. Pulse blender until ice is crushed. Serve to your guests. Tell them they will know they are drunk when they can no longer say “Centrifugal Bumblepuppy”.
Given the amount of ice, it does not take long for the hilarity to commence!
This is a real drink (but it’s awful, so I don’t partake)
Drowning in a Puddle:
Equal parts:
ripple (anything cheap and hard)
Mountain Dew or 7Up
The real story is behind the name. This friend got so drunk off this that when he went outside he passed out face down in the yard. Then it started to rain. He had to be “rescued” from a half inch – inch deep puddle.
(army38, no he was Navy in fact)
The Gin Whore (inspired by a line in The Serpent Prince)
2oz gin
6 oz homemade lemonade
Dash of bitters
Shake with ice, pour into a tumbler, garnish with citrus, drink. Make eyes at someone you’d like to jack off like a gin whore.
Hoffmeister
5 shots Jägermeister
12 Krystal cheeseburgers
1 porcelain god (or goddess)
Do 5 shots of Jägermeister. This will be quickly followed by an insatiable urge for many Krystal (that’s White Castle for all y’all above the Mason Dixon line) cheeseburgers.
Finish your evening by becoming BFF with the porcelain god (or goddess – no discrimation here).
Purple Prose
1 shot parfait amour
1 shot blackberry liqueur
1 shot grape juice
1 shot sloe gin
1 shot chambord
1 shot of brandy
1 shot of…hey, what else you got back there? What do you mean, that’s too much already? There’s no such thing as too much! I’m not done yet, keep pouring!
1 shot of cointreau
1 shot of Tequila Rose
1 shot of vodka
Garnish with a cherry, a wedge of lemon, a slice of watermelon, a slice of orange, a slice of apple, and any other fruit the greengrocer next door might have.
69 Bitches
6 oz. di Saronno Amaretto
9 oz. Dom Perignon champagne
Cocktail cherries
Drop cherry into a frosted champagne flute. Gently shake amaretto and champagne over ice, pour into flute. When you get to the cherry in the bottom, “pop” the cherry and tie the stem in a knot using only your teeth and tongue. You won’t be going home alone. [and I hate when I hit the submit too soon. Yay for new edit feature! *sends mad props to Candy/SBSarah and/or web master*]
Fruitcake Run Off
Personally, though I’ve never actually made this, I’d take the drink over the fruitcake, any day.
Locate a fruitcake recipe that requires several pounds of dried (not candied) fruit (apricots, cranberries, golden raisins, etc.) Chop the fruit and soak overnight in an entire bottle of Cream Sherry and one can of pineapple juice.
The next morning, drain and reserve the runoff, then finish the cakes and give them to your mother. Later, mix equal parts of the drained liquid with club soda and serve in a martinie glass garnished with toothpicks of red and green candied cherries.
This drink is very rare, becuase fruitcake is only made once ever three to four years, in our family.
I think I found my new drink recipe book!
except for the man juice….
spamword: will41 – I WILL, I WILL, I WILL
Fizzy Love
2 parts limecello or limoncello
1 part Grand Marnier
Splash of Pom or PAMA (Pomegranate Juice or Pomegranate Liqueur)
Shake with ice and strain into a martini glass
Float a splash of champagne
Garnish with Lime twist and strawberry
(limoncello/limecello is vodka infused with lemon or lime zest and simple syrup)
I’m entering FOR Christine who left this at my blog and it’s become our offical NIAB martini.She made it herself.
Pop My Cherry Martini
2 oz. Three Olives Cherry Vodka
1 oz. Cranberry juice
Shake with ice and strain into chilled martini glass dipped in (my) honey and rimmed with Pop Rocks.
This was sent to me just last week in an email…this seemed like the perfect place/occasion to pass it on:
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they’re sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:
A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
“First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you slam the lime juice.”
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue… salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys…smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant.
He thinks…this is OKAAAAAY!
Finally he picks up the lime juice and slams it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits.
At two seconds the Baileys curdles.
At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits.
At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, “Holy shit, what do you call that drink?”
She smiles angelically at him and says, “Blow Job Revenge.”
LOL, my spam word is “ill68”—Yeah, I’d be ill if I drank this (and yes, I was born in ‘68)
Savage Hangover
One part Good Evening
One part 69 Smart Dogs
Two parts Dark Lilac Prose
Mix together in a purloined bucket and top with raspberries. Then howl with outrage over accusations of stealing from other contestants.
Bartender’s note: Thanks to Joanne, Donna and Rachel (see Good Night, 69 Smart Bitches and Purple Prose above) for coming up with way better drinks than I ever could and giving me the idea for this parody. Wait, do I mean lampoon?
Rosy Red Russian
5 parts Stolichnaya Raspberry Vodka
2 parts Kahlua
1 scoop vanilla gelato
Pour over a small scoop of vanilla gelato (ice cream works, too, but gelato has the best texture). Garnish with a raspberry and it’s a very suggestive, drunken little boob!
You can also make it a straight-up Red Russian drink—just sub cream for gelato.
The Slow Comfortable Screw
1oz vodka
3/4oz Southern Comfort
3/4oz sloe gin
Fresh orange juice
Fill chilled high ball glass with ice and pour in vodka,Southern Comfort and gin, and stir well. Fill the rest with orange juice.
Not only is this drink a great brunch tipple but, I dare you to ask someone if they want one. They always do!
Phillips Screwdriver
Pour 1 shot vodka over ice
Drizzle 1 tsp. Phillip’s Milk of Magnesia over ice
Top off with orange juice
For regular customers . . .
The Napoli
2 parts sufuric acid
2 parts gasoline (unleaded)
1 part denatured alcohol
1 part soy sauce
1 part pineapple juice
2 habanero peppers and a cherry
Coz he deserves the very best.
Did you forget the anti-freeze, Carrie?
*g*
The Connie Swail
4 oz peach juice
2 oz pomegranate juice
6 oz 7-up
1/2 oz grenadine
Pour over ice and serve with a cherry.
i was going to suggest the
“slow comfortable screw against the wall” too—if only because of how i was taught how to remember it:
1 shot Sloe gin (a fiesty redhead)
1 shot Vodka (deh popular soshial lubricant)
1 shot Southern Comfort (a “gentleman”)
1 shot Galliano (the ever helpful wall)
Orange juice (the ‘screw’)
bartenders are a kinky crew.
i totally didn’t intend for that stupid smiley, either. someone make it go away. i’m not THAT obvious.
The Hyper Black Ferret
cup of hot Coffee
2 shots Jack Daniels
splash of Amaretto
top with Whipped cream
Pour coffee into a sexy see thru coffee mug, add Jack Daniels and splash of Amaretto, top with whipped cream.
Await the caffiene buzz, when it hits, scurry around the room searching for sexy scientists who wanna research and save you!!
Blended Frog Prince
(looks like hell, with the congealed look of a frog that went too many rounds in a blender after pissing of a smartbitch, but absolutely delicious and very smooth—note to self slam more than four or you’ll hit the floor.)
pour a touch of grenadine in a shot glass and swirl the glass to coat
1 shot Creme de Menthe
1 shot Jagermeister
2 shots Baileys
Wait 4 seconds for Baileys to get that “froggy” look. Slam at will.
Lemon Limone
A frosty summer favorite among the moms about three weeks into summer break when you start asking when school starts again.
1 can frozen lemonade
blender full of ice
1 cup Bacardi Limone
Blend and enjoy!
spamanator return15 *dear God NO! I have a daughter who thinks shes almost 15 (she just turned 10), the last thing I need to do is return to being 15 myself.*
Back when I could drink I was fond of poinsettias:
1 shot cranberry juice
1 glass champagne
1 shot vodka
mix
drink until you start singing Xmas carols – no matter what the time of year.
grrr i tried to edit my title..
” Hyper Black Footed Ferret”
can’t forget the footed. lol
ohmigosh, everyone has actual measurements. I just slosh this stuff together.
Drink your Veggies
Take one frost mug.
Fill it half way with your favorite beer. (I love Black Butte’s Porter)
Fill the remainder with V-8 juice.
add a couple of dashes of Tabasco
a shake of celery salt.
yummmmmmmmmm. If you are dieting, you could use lite beer.
Anybody going to come up with a recipe for a Savage Screw for those who’ve tasted plagiarism?
Just sayin’….
Carrot juice with a shot [or two] of vodka—I call it ‘Cwazy Wabbit’.
The Punishing Kiss
4 oz 160 proof dark rum
2 oz Armagnac
Shot of Tabasco
Add a Hershey’s chocolate kiss, light it, and drink through a metal straw
The Stiff Concoction
1/3 pulque
2/3 clear 151 proof rum
Garnish with a whole carrot at least 6 inches long
Good luck to all contestants! I’m going to try some of these…rim the glass with pop rocks? Too fun.
Whisky & mayo? Reminds me of that jello salad mom used to make, jello squares coated with mayo. We were required to “try it”. Seriously almost tossed my cookies, and couldn’t eat jello or mayo for at least a decade.
Fill a cocktail shaker with ice
Pour in a shot of tequila (good stuff if you have it!)
Add 1 tablespoon (more or less depending on taste) Powdered Gatorade Mix
Top off with seltzer
Shake and strain into a glass
I have also done this with champagne instead of seltzer and I have heard of people using beer. As you can imagine, this was originally created out of what was left over at the end of an achaeology job out in the field. It’s very good though! We always called it a tequila fizz but maybe it needs a better name….