Well, slap me silly and call me Susan…but tie me up first

In honor of our third birthday, Sarah looked up what the typical third anniversary gift is…and it turns out it’s *drumroll* LEATHER.

And you know what that means for our cover snark.

Oh yes. BDSM romance covers. Cover your eyes and head for the hills. Or, y’know, don’t, because you’re a masochistic fool and have a strong hankering for 3-D man-titty.


Sarah: Two questions: 1. Does the Price of passage come with frequent flyer miles? 2. Can this really be the first Poser mega-mullet I’ve seen?

Candy: Poor Legolas. Not only has he been reduced to shopping for clothing at Hot Topic, he’s taken to picking up the teenyboppers who shop there, too. What would Gimli say if he could see you today? Tsk.


Candy: The title of the book makes me think of Lola from “Copacabana.” The face and build on the female model make me think of Lola from that song by The Kinks. “Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl, with yellow feathers in her hair, and a dress cut up to there…And when she squeezed me tight she nearly broke my spine, oh my Lola.”

Sarah: “Regalos” means “gifts.” This is not a gift. And judging by the glum expression on helmet-hair’s face, he doesn’t think so either.


Sarah: The Dark One, he will be taking The Long One, and resting it in the neverland of The Incredibly Tacky Leopard-Print One. Then he will have The Big One, and I will need The Cold One because a one that is not cold is scarcely a one at all.

Candy: The title indicates some sort of angsty paranormal romance. The clothing indicates some sort of Conan the Barbarian rip-off. The expressions on their faces indicate some sort of screwball, “I Love Lucy”-esque caper. The sword indicates some sort of penile inadequacy. The overbuilt muscles indicate incipient roid-rage. Dear readers, what the hell am I supposed to make of the story based on the cover?


General Bitching...

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Teddy Pig says:

    You have some ‘splainin’ to do…
    Oh, Ricky.

  2. 2
    Jenns says:

    Memo to self: Do not drink coffee (or anything else) while visiting the Smart Bitches. Thanks for the laughs, ladies.
    Those are actually book covers? Man, I’m gonna feel sooo boring when I next look at my TBR mountain!

  3. 3
    closetcrafter says:

    Ropacabana-She’s a man baby!

  4. 4
    --E says:

    The pasted-on head indicates some sort of science-fictional body-parts-swapping maguffin. I think the screwball comedy smiling is because they used the guy’s high school graduation photo circa 1982.

    Yikes, that is some hideous stuff.

  5. 5
    Teddy Pig says:

    More like Trannycabanny!

  6. 6
    Ri L. says:

    Seems he’s compensating not with that sword but with leg hair aaall the way up.  Yikes.

  7. 7
    ~d says:

    ahahahaha!  Proof that Poser 6 (with free downloads from Daz!) in the wrong hands leads to hilarity.

  8. 8
    Kim says:

    Are my eyes screwy or is that black mold growing on his chestal area?

  9. 9
    MplsGirl says:

    The soda I just snorted through my nose burns . . .  these dudes’ bodies look like Egyptian sculptures: stiff, too angular, and made of stone.

  10. 10

    The guy in the first one looks like he’s totally disinterested and/or checking her for head lice.

    But I seriously want to be a part of a couple as happy as the kids in #3. I wish every romance cover featured grins as carefree and unironic as this one; I was be so happy all the time, prancing in the meadows with my sword-wielding sweetie.

  11. 11
    MamaNice says:

    Wasn’t the cover of The Dark One taken from a recent RobotChicken clip?
    If it wasn’t, they better get on it, cuz that would be heeelarious.

  12. 12
    Suzanne Gross says:

    Kim – OMG I thought the exact same thing!  It doesn’t even look like chest hair, just some weird black fungus that is taking over his body…and he looks darn happy about it too!

  13. 13
    raspberry_wench says:

    Semi-snarky but mostly serious question: Are those even real people? They look like Sims. Is it an online publisher? Are they trying to save money by computer-generating the most ridiculous covers ever? What the holy hell, Batman?

  14. 14
    Kiku says:

    Sarah – double points and a gold star for the reference to Strong Bad’s ‘Property of Ones’.

    Happy Leather-anniversary, Bitches!

  15. 15
    Wry Hag says:

    The Ropacabana chick isn’t a poser.  It’s Cher.  Really.  Which, I guess, does make it a poser.

    The Dark One’s body is turning in way too many different directions at once.  I suspect it’s because a good portion of his broadsword’s wicked quillon has sunk halfway into his muscular cheek—enough to make anybody squirm eight ways from Sunday.

  16. 16
    Silver James says:

    *gets Jenns’s memo too late*
    *mops up desk AGAIN*
    *also sends memo to self*
    *vows to find a real artist if she ever self-publishes*

    Leather – the gift that gives again… Happy Anniversary, Bitches! May we all be here for the gold!

  17. 17
    ~d says:

    raspberry_wench:  The characters are made with a program called Poser (here at wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poser)

    It’s a shame because the art *can* be amazing. (ex: http://www.e-frontier.com/imagecatalogue/customimageview/723/?sbss=504)

    As we see here, it can also be a train wreck.

  18. 18
    Aimee says:

    I want to know how the Dark One can possibly support such giant man-titty on such scrawny calves….

    vw: eyes48

    my eyes, my eyes, they burn…

  19. 19
    NHS says:

    Thanks d for posting the link to smithmicro site. I had no idea it could be done so well.

    Happy Anny.
    “The evles are dress in leather and the angels are in chains” -Spinal Tap.

  20. 20
    Lauren says:

    The art major in me cries horrifically everytime I see these CGIcovers.
    And everything else cringes from the horror.

  21. 21
    MoJo says:

    Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl, with yellow feathers in her hair, and a dress cut up to there

    Barry Manilow.

    Well Im not the worlds most physical guy but when she squeezed me tight she nearly broke my spine


  22. 22
    Spider says:

    Oh, God.  I defy anyone to tell me that these covers actually *sell* these books and do not, in fact, drive away potential readers in blind terror.

  23. 23
    Tina says:

    My first thought when I saw The Dark One, even before reading anything, was, “They look like the cover of a workout video from the eighties!”

  24. 24
    Brandi says:

    Proof that Poser 6 (with free downloads from Daz!) in the wrong hands leads to hilarity.

    You want a real mix of funny and atrocity tourism, try Googling for Poser porn… D:

  25. 25
    smartmensab-tch says:

    Thanks Smart Bitches and commenters for comic relief after a hellishly surreal week at work.

    Don’t ask.  You really don’t want to know.

  26. 26
    laurad says:

    Changeling seems to take some sort of sick pride in their horrific covers.  I can’t even visit their site, it’s the epub equivalent of waterboarding.

  27. 27
    Micki says:

    Has anyone read The Dark One? Because I’m really, really tempted. I think Katie’s absolutely right about cover three.

  28. 28

    Ha!  As soon as I saw “leather” and “cover snark” I moved the liquids I was consuming out of reach.

    Now that I’ve seen them (and didn’t ruin another keyboard), I think I’ll swap my Jasmine Pearl (that’s a tea, you pervs, not a vibrating toy!) for a cold one.

  29. 29
    Myriantha Fatalis says:

    Sims, always when there’s CGI covers, somebody has to compare them to Sims.  Well *my* Sims are way-way-WAY hotter than any of these horrors.

  30. 30
    Denni says:

    #1. OMG his pants are made of the same stuff they package sausages in.

    #3. What to say, it’s really awful in a strangely appealing way.

    Any bitch who doesn’t follow Darlene’s example upon seeing the Cover Snark label, deserves the pain of snorting beverages and sticky computer parts.

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