Got a Little Extra Cash?

If you have a few extra dollars and desire multiple orgasms, your own sexual incubus, or Colin Firth, read on.

Thanks to Janet Mullany, I have word of a most excellent auction discovered by author Esri Rose. Take a look at the auction page before it disappears, but if it’s already gone, here’s an excerpt from the exclamation-point-laden description:

It has been Invoked to be Possessed and Inhabited by an Ever Powerful, Seductive and Enchanting Incubus Spirit Nymph !

It’s rich and fire like Bright Red Ruby Gemstone has accepted The Spirit of ” Ricardo ” into it’s Gorgeous facets !

And now ” Ricardo ” eagerly awaits to please and Sexually Satisfy his New Owner ! It can be used by either a man or a woman, as it can be worn or carried in your pocket !

” Ricardo ” is eager to please whomever his new owner is, whether they are male or female ! He will Sexually Please a man Or a woman, whether his new owner is Straight or Gay or Bisexual ! His new owners Sexuality simply will allow him to know what he can do for them Sexually, and IF there are any Limits !

He will Instantly know these Limits, but being the Sexual Nymph he is, will take Full Advantage of whatever he can Sexually do for his new owner, but will Not Exceed whatever Limits there are ! He is simply out to Sexually please whomever his New Owner is !

This ring “Ricardo” Inhabits is currently a size 7.5 ! ” Ricardo ” is a tall, dark, and handsome as he is Latin, so one could assume his Love Making skills are Very Powerful, being a Latin Lover ! He is also a Very Masculine and Extremely Sexual Nymph Incubus Spirit, who manifests himself in human form and feasts on your sexual desires and fantasies !

The images of “Ricardo” look very familiar – have I seen them on an erotica novel? My memory is tickling me but not giving me the answer. Perhaps I need to ask Ricardo, the Very Powerful, Very Masculine and Extremely Sexual and very mantittied Nymph Incubus Spirit.

A similar ring is for sale on eBay advertised as a “Haunted Multi Orgasm and Sexual Sensitivity Ring.” Sherry’s Enchantments sells a number of haunted and bewitched jewelry. You know, should you be in the market for such a purchase.

EDITED TO ADD: there’s also a “MALE NYMPH INCUBUS SPIRIT Ring ~ Genie Djinn” ring for sale from Sherry’s Enchantments. The descriptions of how the haunted spirit… oh my sweet fancy Moses. Get a load of this:

“I was exuding sexuality in a way I had never felt before!!! Although not conscious, I was aware of everything that happening…. As the excitement built he finally inserted his large member. I exploded instantly.”

Was it his eBay member?

But if incubi and multiple-orgasm jewelry aren’t up your alley (hur hur) perhaps you’d be interested in Colin Firth?

Carrie Lofty forwarded me a most excellent auction: 2 tickets to the movie premiere of Mamma Mia in London, plus a meet and greet with Colin Firth. Proceeds benefit Oxfam International (Charity Navigator rating for Oxfam USA: Four Stars) but by far the best part is the free part: a video from Colin Firth embedded in the auction entry which describes the item for bid and which contains the following line, my new Quote of the Day:

“If you are the kind of person that always wanted to see middle aged men in tight spandex trying to sing, then this is the film for you…”

If it’s Colin Firth in tight spandex singing? I’m down. Current high bid: $7000.00US.

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The Link-O-Lator

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  1. 1

    On the ebay page: 1 bidder, User ID private. That you, Sarah?

  2. 2

    *falls over giggling*

    ‘Ricardo’ the incubus?!

  3. 3
    Lizzy says:

    Auction ended early with buy it now … $74.99, but it feels tawdry somehow to put a price on this thing we have with Ricardo. 

    I don’t like the word “pouch.”

  4. 4
    Kimberly Anne says:

    Oh. My. Goddess.  I think my brain just broke. 

    Why do you do this to me, Sarah?  I had stuff to accomplish today, and now my mind is filled (ewwww) with Ricardo the Incubus Spirit Nymph! (Wait, aren’t those three different things?  Which one is he, then?)

  5. 5
    Tina says:

    Per dictionary.com:
    nymph /nɪmf/ –noun
    1. one of a numerous class of lesser deities of mythology, conceived of as beautiful maidens inhabiting the sea, rivers, woods, trees, mountains, meadows, etc., and frequently mentioned as attending a superior deity. 
    2. a beautiful or graceful young woman. 
    3. a maiden. 
    4. the young of an insect that undergoes incomplete metamorphosis. 

    in·cu·bus /ˈɪnkyəbəs, ˈɪŋ-/ [in-kyuh-buhs, ing-] –noun, plural -bi/-ˌbaɪ/ [-bahy] -bus·es.
    1. an imaginary demon or evil spirit supposed to descend upon sleeping persons, esp. one fabled to have sexual intercourse with women during their sleep. Compare succubus (def. 1). 
    2. a nightmare. 
    3. something that weighs upon or oppresses one like a nightmare. 

    So, Ricardo the trapped, enslaved (and oh-so-happy about it, I’m sure) spirit is either a hermaphrodite or an incompletely metamorphized insect from someone’s nightmare. 

    Now that’s sexy!

    market15—how appropo!

  6. 6

    Ricardo had me at 7.5!  Imagine my disappointment when I realized this measurement did not mean what I thought it meant.

  7. 7
    Tina says:

    Oh, and by the way, that first picture of Ricardo with the shorter hair looks a bit like Milo Ventimiglia from Heroes (check out http://innerjoejoe.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/mvscans001-1.png).

  8. 8
    jenifer says:

    Well, first I was so relieved to read not quite half way down the page that Ricardo is not a vampire!  And then to see that he is “paramornal”.  Is that a paranormal paramour?  And he comes with a recharging pouch?  What more does a girl (or boy) need?

  9. 9

    Eeek! Warn a bitch about the scary-ass music on that ebay page! Who knew Ricardo was really a bad midi file?

  10. 10
    michelle says:

    Whoa, I read a little too fast in the beginning and thought you were offering me a ring that contained Colin Firth. I was all “I know what I’m getting my sister for her birthday!” Oh well. Maybe I’ll send her Ricardo instead. He sounds friendly. He’ll pleasure a straight man sexually, if you want. It’s not gay if the other guy’s a sucubus!

  11. 11
    Wry Hag says:

    eBay is LOADED with similar listings in their “Metaphysical” category—haunted jewelry, diabolical dolls, magical mirrors, cursed accordions, you name it.  A lot of this stuff, which often commands pretty impressive prices, comes with stories that are paragraphs-long. 

    Frankly, I don’t know whether to be amused or appalled by these elaborate cons, but they do make for an entertaining diversion.

  12. 12
    fiveandfour says:

    Now I love me some Colin Firth (love!), but I’m more than a little frightened at the concept of seeing him in tight spandex trying to sing.  I’m not sure if my love is strong enough to take on that image – egads!

  13. 13
    RStewie says:

    Nicolae, made himself known right away! “WOW” Outstanding Seller, amazing! tranquility6924 ( 29)  Oct-12-07 18:16
    Follow-up by tranquility6924 (Oct-15-07 19:24):
    Every woman should own an Incubus, OMG thats all I can say, left me dumbfounded.


    Yeah…that’s a direct quote from one of her “satisfied” (snort, snort) customers.

    Oh, this made my entire WEEK! 

    gives62…62 what?  Oh, Ricardo, the suspense!

  14. 14
    Leah says:

    I just can’t wrap my mind around the fact that someone saw that ebay auction and thought to him/herself—“yeah! I’ll buy it now!”  It’s a scary world we live in!

    talk21—yeah, I’d rather talk than do laundry today!

  15. 15
    Noelle says:

    It took 8 hours to cast the spell “correctly”? So what…are there other rings out there with nymph incubuses that don’t have the correct spell? Is there Leonardo the incubus nymph that only satisfies himself? Or Phillippe the incubus nymph that has a headache?

    This provided a much needed laugh today!

  16. 16
    LiJuun says:

    I loves me some Colin Firth, but . . . whose grandmother’s living room is he sitting in?  And what is with that lamp?

  17. 17
    Esri Rose says:

    I wondered why my blog traffic was up. Thanks for the shout out, Janet and Smart Bitches! My favorite part was how resizing the ring wouldn’t hurt Ricardo’s powers.

    There is a crapload of this stuff out there. I feel like I’ve tapped into the mother load of craziness to riff on. I’ve also blogged about death-trap snowmobiles from the 50s, and humorously shaped root vegetables with the power to grow your bidness.

  18. 18

    I know Esri was too shy to tell you, but when she gets the ring (does the USPS guy have a good time with Ricardo en route? Or should that be root?) she will blog frequently about Ricardo’s prowess, so check her blog often.

    And personally I wouldn’t mind inviting Colin Firth into my gorgeous facets.

    (military29—yes sir!

  19. 19

    I checked out the section the auction comes from.
    There’s a Haunted Harem Jinn bottle (I think they spelled Jinn wrong) but I’m going back for the Voodoo Sock Monkey.
    http://tinyurl.com/29swkc

  20. 20

    “Ricardo” the incubus: for fuck’s sake!
    Colin Firth in tights: me wants!

  21. 21
    Esri Rose says:

    Janet, I’m happy to say that Sherry doesn’t miss a trick. The ring is protected en route by its “special pouch.” Presumably the UPS guy gets only a slight feeling of well-being, or possibly the urge to visit the back of the truck for some “package stacking.”

  22. 22
    LiJuun says:

    Haunted Harem Jinn bottle?  I don’t know about that.  Sounds like someone’s been hitting the gin bottle a little too hard.

  23. 23
    janicu says:

    Whoever is selling Richardo has never met an exclamation point they didn’t like. Wow. I like the part about invoking the power of three and clarifying that Richardo is NOT a vampire. heheheh.

  24. 24
    Deb says:

    Darn it, I lost the opportunity to ask for Ricardo for my upcoming birthday.  I wonder how hubby would react if I blew all our savings on the opportunity to drool over Colin Firth in person?  Surely that would be the *perfect* gift for my 45th birthday?

  25. 25
    Teddypig says:

    Rich Corinthian rubies?

    A size 7.5? You’re not doing it right.

  26. 26
    lilywhite says:

    >Whoa, I read a little too
    >fast in the beginning and
    >thought you were offering
    >me a ring that contained
    >Colin Firth.

    I thought the auction was for an orgasm courtesy of Colin Firth.  Now THAT I’m down with.

    boys94 lol

  27. 27

    Sorry, I can’t respect an incubus named Ricardo. *LOL* Oh wait… the red zirconia is named Ricardo? Hmm… I didn’t know people named their jewelry.

  28. 28
    Kim2 says:

    I was reading the feedback of the seller and a buyer says:

    “When I put it on, my bipolar rage eased tremendously.”

    Fuckin fantastic.  Ricardo’s nocturnal orgasms cure bipolar rage.  Ricardo, you are the shit!

  29. 29
    Josie says:

    I also read that as Colin Firth is a sexual incubus wanting to give me multiple orgasms… Or maybe that’s just what I wanted it to say.

    Does anyone else use a terrible Spanish accent in their head when reading the name ‘Ricardo’?

  30. 30
    Julie Leto says:

    If this isn’t a reason to want to become a big bestseller, I don’t know what is.  Oh, I mean Colin Firth, btw.

    Did no one catch him shaking his groove thing in tight leather pants in WHAT A GIRL WANTS?  Oh, yeah.  I want.  I loved Mamma Mia on Broadway.  Serious fun.  Can’t wait for the film.

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