It’s that time of year: we’re t-minus one month away from Valentine’s Day, and it’s time once again for media outlets to start pestering the romance writers because certainly romance writers, they are More Romantic and Sexy than the rest of us mere mortals. Pass the feather boa, because I need one to finish this entry.
A brilliant author forwarded me the following request from the Washington Post, and it is so over the top, well, judge for yourself:
Dear Romance Writers,
For a Valentine’s Day story for the Washington Post Home Section, I’m
hoping to feature the bedrooms of a couple of local romance writers (who
better to create a romantic ambience [sic] than you creative ladies? And if
there is a man among you with a romantic bedroom, that would be totally
cool).I’d appreciate it if you could send my query to your Washington area
members to explain what I’m seeking:*A couple of digital pictures of your romantic boudoir, preferably in
daylight (even if it was designed to look fab in candlelight).* You should be in at least one of the photos, since if you’re chosen, you
will probably be in the picture. (Feel free to wrap yourself in a feather
boa or come-hither pegnoir).*Your bedroom certainly does not have to be “done” by a professional
designer or decorator, but it should look good (if you want to declutter a
bit before photographing the space, by all means, have at it).*The rooms do not have to be frilly/girly/pink, Victorian or any other
stereoptyical romance-writer look. They can be Zen, minimialist, historic,
Art Deco, Scottish tartan, country, shabby chic, cowgirl funky, whatever.
The room just has to telegraph Romance and Love.*Those of you who want to share your sanctum sanctorum should include a
couple of paragraphs about what is romantic about it (extra points given
for a heart shaped bed), and perhaps where some of your favorite things
came from (great granny, your first great love, Wal-Mart, Sotheby’s),* I’ll need your real name and your nom de plume, as well as a daytime
phone number so I can get in touch with you. Practically speaking, the
rooms we choose will probably have to be no further than 50 -75 miles from
downtown Washington so we can get a Post photographer there to shoot it.Ladies, this is your chance to spread a little Romance Writer Valentine
cheer to your readers and to ours. I do hope you’ll spread the word. I
need the images and little eassays [sic] in hand by Jan. 25 so we can shoot the
following week.Thanks in advance for all your help. I remain,
Breathlessly yours,
—-
Oh. Holy. Shit. I started to giggle at the pegnoir but by the time I got to “extra points for the heart shaped bed” I had tears running down my face. Oh holy crap in a crap-shaped bed. Scottish tartan! Cowgirl funky! Oh, sweet holy shit.
First, in case this reporter is looking for what a Smart Bitch bedroom looks like: picture a large room with a bed and the following items: 1.4 metric tons of cat (because somehow they become the size and weight of ponies when they snuggle into the foot of the bed and take up ALL THE ROOM WTF), 8 spit up rags for baby with reflux, tv, clicker, and laundry. Lots of laundry. Oh, how romantic. Especially the spit up rags.
Second, what the crapping crap is this? Right after assumption #1, that we romance readers are all dim and enjoy icing-frosted masturbatory fantasies so long as they’re sheikh-y or Lordly, here comes #2: the romance writers all live in a frilly, fantastically tartan-lace wonderland, and don’t buy beds that are comfortable. They buy beds that are heart shaped.
Question for the Sci-Fi writers: do people assume you have bathrooms outfitted to mimic a transporter platform, complete with silver toilet? And you Women’s Fiction writers, do you have boxes of tissues on every flat surface? And Fantasy writers wear tights and wings, right? Wait, as long as I’m riding the Magic Assumption Train into The Land of Overused Metaphor, let’s go for the subgenres! Paranormal romance writers – you get kinky with the vamp teeth and the furry suits, right? And you sleep in coffins or caves? Harlequin writers have bedrooms made up like harems or Roman temples or boardrooms (that cannot be comfortable) or obstetrics offices (there are a lot of babies after all) right? And historical writers, how’s that corset?
Hello? Bueller?
Either way, I absolutely cannot wait to see that article about the bedrooms of romance writers. Srsly.
