It’s that time of year: we’re t-minus one month away from Valentine’s Day, and it’s time once again for media outlets to start pestering the romance writers because certainly romance writers, they are More Romantic and Sexy than the rest of us mere mortals. Pass the feather boa, because I need one to finish this entry.
A brilliant author forwarded me the following request from the Washington Post, and it is so over the top, well, judge for yourself:
Dear Romance Writers,
For a Valentine’s Day story for the Washington Post Home Section, I’m
hoping to feature the bedrooms of a couple of local romance writers (who
better to create a romantic ambience [sic] than you creative ladies? And if
there is a man among you with a romantic bedroom, that would be totally
cool).I’d appreciate it if you could send my query to your Washington area
members to explain what I’m seeking:*A couple of digital pictures of your romantic boudoir, preferably in
daylight (even if it was designed to look fab in candlelight).* You should be in at least one of the photos, since if you’re chosen, you
will probably be in the picture. (Feel free to wrap yourself in a feather
boa or come-hither pegnoir).*Your bedroom certainly does not have to be “done” by a professional
designer or decorator, but it should look good (if you want to declutter a
bit before photographing the space, by all means, have at it).*The rooms do not have to be frilly/girly/pink, Victorian or any other
stereoptyical romance-writer look. They can be Zen, minimialist, historic,
Art Deco, Scottish tartan, country, shabby chic, cowgirl funky, whatever.
The room just has to telegraph Romance and Love.*Those of you who want to share your sanctum sanctorum should include a
couple of paragraphs about what is romantic about it (extra points given
for a heart shaped bed), and perhaps where some of your favorite things
came from (great granny, your first great love, Wal-Mart, Sotheby’s),* I’ll need your real name and your nom de plume, as well as a daytime
phone number so I can get in touch with you. Practically speaking, the
rooms we choose will probably have to be no further than 50 -75 miles from
downtown Washington so we can get a Post photographer there to shoot it.Ladies, this is your chance to spread a little Romance Writer Valentine
cheer to your readers and to ours. I do hope you’ll spread the word. I
need the images and little eassays [sic] in hand by Jan. 25 so we can shoot the
following week.Thanks in advance for all your help. I remain,
Breathlessly yours,
—-
Oh. Holy. Shit. I started to giggle at the pegnoir but by the time I got to “extra points for the heart shaped bed” I had tears running down my face. Oh holy crap in a crap-shaped bed. Scottish tartan! Cowgirl funky! Oh, sweet holy shit.
First, in case this reporter is looking for what a Smart Bitch bedroom looks like: picture a large room with a bed and the following items: 1.4 metric tons of cat (because somehow they become the size and weight of ponies when they snuggle into the foot of the bed and take up ALL THE ROOM WTF), 8 spit up rags for baby with reflux, tv, clicker, and laundry. Lots of laundry. Oh, how romantic. Especially the spit up rags.
Second, what the crapping crap is this? Right after assumption #1, that we romance readers are all dim and enjoy icing-frosted masturbatory fantasies so long as they’re sheikh-y or Lordly, here comes #2: the romance writers all live in a frilly, fantastically tartan-lace wonderland, and don’t buy beds that are comfortable. They buy beds that are heart shaped.
Question for the Sci-Fi writers: do people assume you have bathrooms outfitted to mimic a transporter platform, complete with silver toilet? And you Women’s Fiction writers, do you have boxes of tissues on every flat surface? And Fantasy writers wear tights and wings, right? Wait, as long as I’m riding the Magic Assumption Train into The Land of Overused Metaphor, let’s go for the subgenres! Paranormal romance writers – you get kinky with the vamp teeth and the furry suits, right? And you sleep in coffins or caves? Harlequin writers have bedrooms made up like harems or Roman temples or boardrooms (that cannot be comfortable) or obstetrics offices (there are a lot of babies after all) right? And historical writers, how’s that corset?
Hello? Bueller?
Either way, I absolutely cannot wait to see that article about the bedrooms of romance writers. Srsly.
“Breathlessly yours?”
~~pauses to go hurl~~
Please. Stereotyping much?
My bedroom is decorated in what I like to call “Old World meets Destructive Children meets Dog.” Complete with rumpled comforter, stacks of Huggies, a changing pad, scattered toys, bits of popcorn the vacuum missed and some floating puffs of wooly undercoat from my malamute. Yep, this room just positively screams TEH SEXXORS! and “ROMANCE WRITER LIVES HERE!
position53 – Ha! Never tried this one.
Yep. Not a cat in sight round my place (unless you count the “volunteer” who can’t seem to grasp that dog door + pit bull = house not for cats). Books, dogs, and costume bits everywhere though (what can I say, I’m going to a 16th century event tomorrow and preparing for a Pirate event in April).
I do have one question though. Since (according to this columnist):
**romance writers have romantical bedrooms,
**and we all know that stereotypes are across the board,
**does that mean their follow-up story will be all about the dungeons all Horror writers have instead of basements?
Yes. As soon as they finish writing about the living rooms of Mystery writers. Assuming they can get past the crime scene tape across the front door and step over all the bodies, chalk outlines, and conveniently discarded exotic weaponry. Later they would discover the living room was a red herring, and all the clues were actually in the attic.
Next weeks article: A typical comic book writers’ garage! Doomsday devices, mutant powers, and people in spandex! (note: beware of spider bite)
Can’t wait to see what they come up with for the ‘Conspiracy Theory’ writers.
I say someone should find a dungeon and take pictures. Isn’t that what this is all about anyway? We write *gasp* sex scenes, surely we must be freaks!
Does anyone have a picture of Marilyn Manson’s boudoir? He should submit! Isn’t there bodice-ripping in his lyrics somewhere?
Can’t wait to see what they come up with for the ‘Conspiracy Theory’ writers.
They’d all respond, “I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.”
I wonder if that letter is a kind of snipe hunt that they assign the newest intern at the paper as a prank. At GE, they used to tell new guys to figure out how to frost the inside of a light bulb—until one did.
It’s like sending someone off to find a left-handed monkey wrench, or telling the office junior to go out and buy a tin of Elbow Grease.
OMGWTFBBQ! How did I miss this post??
My own bedroom is so dark and cold that the tulip bulb kit I bought last summer in Amsterdam started to sprout on it’s own so obviously a very sexy place.
Heart shaped bed?? Where on earth would you get sheets??
I currently don’t have a bed. It died in the move. (Long story.) Since, like many romance authors, I am Rolling In Teh Dough, I haven’t replaced it yet. My bedroom? It is my living room, with a pillow and blanket on the couch.
Sooooooo SEXXXAYYYY!
The more I read this, the more pissed off I became, until finally I looked up the executive editor’s email and dropped him a line.
Dear Mr. Brady,
I am writing today to express my extreme displeasure at the call for photographs and “eassays” (sic) of romance authors’ bedrooms. The tone of your reporter’s letter was extremely insulting (“extra points given for a heart-shaped bed!” she writes, as well as signing her missive, “Breathlessly yours”), as is the assumption that any author of romance must obviously have a bedroom styled after a harem, a Vegas honeymoon suite, or a whorehouse.
I must ask, if the authors of romance were not predominantly female, would such an insulting tone have been taken? She invites authors, “Feel free to wrap yourself in a feather boa or come-hither pegnoir.” Would she request that Stephen King pose in a blood-stained outfit, or that John Grisham don a powdered wig and judge’s robe for a photo shoot? Will this reporter be contacting murder mystery authors and asking for photos of the crime scene tape and bodies in their basements? Or will she next contact science fiction authors for photographs of the full-scale Star Trek set replicas they must clearly keep in the living room?
Romance authors are professionals, many of whom juggle writing, a career, and families who have neither the time nor the inclination to remake our homes into someone else’s idea of a sex palace. We write in home offices, not on heart-shaped, satin-sheet draped beds. We do not wear feather boas and nibble bon-bons all day. This stereotype is outdated, sexist, and deeply insulting, and perpetuating it does your newspaper no favors.
Why not ask romance authors for photographs and information about their workspaces and schedules instead? This would give your reporter an actual story with some truth and interest, rather than this offensive tripe.
Yours,
Amelia Elias
Hear, hear!
What Amelia said!!
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Well, the autoresponder has done its thing. We’ll see if anything else comes of my rant. It felt good to vent, anyway.
And is it bad that I had to use a thesaurus to come up with new ways of saying “offensive”?
… my html is not strong. Sigh.
Amelia, thank you.
That was very well said.
*Applauds Amelia*
And another cheer to Amelia.
Personally, I’d like to send a shredded feather boa to the moron who wrote that letter. Maybe she’d get the picture and leave us alone unless she wanted to use her brain.
And my office is in my bedroom and my favorite item on my desk is my Nora Roberts bobble-head doll.
Michele—Where do you get a Nora Roberts bobblehead?
I just have a Jane Austen action figure.
http://www.loc.gov/shop/images/catalog/items/enlarge/enlarge_21507333.jpg
analysis25—gee, I’ve been seeing a shrink for THAT long?
*Cheering Amelia*.
Hey Dana,
You can borrow the dungeon for your photo shoot if you want but Ahmed is still chained to the wall.
I would take him down but his punishment is not over yet. Please feel free to shoot around him. Just poke him if he moans.
talpianne, hie thee to Turn The Page online and get your very own Nora bobble-head.
*takes a bow*
If I get a reply from something with a pulse, I’ll make sure and post it. I’m not holding my breath.
But you know what else would make a kick-ass Valentine’s Day story about romance authors? Their charitable work! Reading the other comment thread is downright inspirational, dammit. I know many authors would be happy to send a short few paragraphs about a volunteering experience, or explain why they give to a particular charity, or how charity has helped them and why they’re giving back now. Personally, I’d give a kidney (hmm, there’s probably an author in Romancelandia who’s given a kidney!) to see romance authors get that kind of coverage in a paper with the readership the Post suckers in—er, I mean, enjoys.
Perhaps the SBs should consider calling out for romance author ‘good deeds’ stories and then sending them to the Post?
So a heart shaped bed is $5000 US? Great, Nora better get one cause no one else is going to.
Perhaps Nora could get a heart-shaped bed and donate it to the black-footed ferrets. Then we’d get more cute baby-ferret pics like the one I posted.
step41—by now I’ve forgotten what addiction I’m trying to break free of…
Still no response from the Post’s executive editor. Wonder if I’m being far too hopeful in still sort of expecting one.
I think I’ve found the bed this ‘reporter’ was thinking of even has a mirror above it (heart shaped too, of course).
http://www.playhouseusa.com/heartbeds.htm
I found ya’ll because of the Cassie Edwards drama. Hey something good had to come out of it.
Ah now this is the right one. I’ve been studying too much.
That bed belongs in a by-the-hour motel, not a sane adult’s bedroom.
Does the term “de-facto standard” mean anything to you?
—Simon
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It does make one shudder to think what James Joyce’s romancepad must have looked like though…