Thanks to Bitchery reader Delia, I nearly asphyxiated myself laughing. And before I tell you why, I have to confess something so shameful it’s going to set my face on fire with embarrassment.
Remember that show Beauty and the Beast with Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman as Vincent? He lived beneath Manhattan in a community of people living in the tunnels, and there love was all hairy and forbidden? Yeah, that. I was a huge fan. HUGE. I’ve probably mentioned that before. That’s not the embarrassing part – at least there I know I’m not alone.
I had the cassette tape of Ron Perlman as Vincent, complete with his kitty-teeth, reading poetry. Lots of poetry. The Beauty & the Beastsoundtrack tape was probably worn thin by the time I was done listening to it, because I listened to that thing ALL THE TIME. The slightly lisping fang-tastic reading of “She Walks in Beauty” or “I Arise From The Dreams Of Thee”? Oh, it sent my little 12 year-old heart a fluttering like nothing else.
We will not discussed how filled with squee I am to learn that all three seasons are available on DVD. No, not mentioning that. *ahem*
So: hairy Vincent man reading poetry? Teh Awesome.
Fabio After Dark? Fabio telling me he LOOOOOOHVES to be alone with me? Because music can say what he cannot?
OMG CREEPING ME THE FUCK OUT. Thanks to Delia, we can all share in the WTF-tasticness that is Fabio’s romance album, featuring Billy Ocean (Hey! You! Get into my car!) and other fine musical stylings that are designed to be the height of romance. You must listen to each and every one of the audio samples, because they are comic freaking GOLD.
To quote the i-mockery site: “It’s like he has you all to himself, and just when he has you at the height of ecstasy, he puts your mom on the speaker phone.” The unintentional hilarity is killing me.
And the funky porn-tastic music behind his drawling monologue? Coupled with, “I’m Fabio. And I’m very interested in what makes romance work.”
Fabby, honey, I can promise you, it’s not that music.
The only thing better would be if I can find an online capture of Fabio’s movie, but I just bought it used, so I’ll make Hubby watch it with me. Stay tuned for the sounds of screaming.