Friday Videos: It’s Audio, but It’s Still Awesome

Thanks to Bitchery reader Delia, I nearly asphyxiated myself laughing. And before I tell you why, I have to confess something so shameful it’s going to set my face on fire with embarrassment.

Remember that show Beauty and the Beast with Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman as Vincent? He lived beneath Manhattan in a community of people living in the tunnels, and there love was all hairy and forbidden? Yeah, that. I was a huge fan. HUGE. I’ve probably mentioned that before. That’s not the embarrassing part – at least there I know I’m not alone.

I had the cassette tape of Ron Perlman as Vincent, complete with his kitty-teeth, reading poetry. Lots of poetry. The Beauty & the Beastsoundtrack tape was probably worn thin by the time I was done listening to it, because I listened to that thing ALL THE TIME. The slightly lisping fang-tastic reading of “She Walks in Beauty” or “I Arise From The Dreams Of Thee”? Oh, it sent my little 12 year-old heart a fluttering like nothing else.

We will not discussed how filled with squee I am to learn that all three seasons are available on DVD. No, not mentioning that. *ahem*

So: hairy Vincent man reading poetry? Teh Awesome.

Fabio After Dark? Fabio telling me he LOOOOOOHVES to be alone with me? Because music can say what he cannot?

OMG CREEPING ME THE FUCK OUT. Thanks to Delia, we can all share in the WTF-tasticness that is Fabio’s romance album, featuring Billy Ocean (Hey! You! Get into my car!) and other fine musical stylings that are designed to be the height of romance. You must listen to each and every one of the audio samples, because they are comic freaking GOLD.

To quote the i-mockery site: “It’s like he has you all to himself, and just when he has you at the height of ecstasy, he puts your mom on the speaker phone.” The unintentional hilarity is killing me.

And the funky porn-tastic music behind his drawling monologue? Coupled with, “I’m Fabio. And I’m very interested in what makes romance work.”

Fabby, honey, I can promise you, it’s not that music.

The only thing better would be if I can find an online capture of Fabio’s movie, but I just bought it used, so I’ll make Hubby watch it with me. Stay tuned for the sounds of screaming.

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Friday Videos

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  1. 1
    Angela James says:

    I own the first two seasons, but not the third (yet) so you’re definitely not alone!

  2. 2
    Rinda says:

    You and me, babe—separated at birth.

    My daughter’s name is Kathryn Alexandria.  The Kathryn part… came from that show. ;)

  3. 3
    DBN says:

    I hate to call out Raybelle since she never blogs anymore, but she had a love for Vincent that was way creepy.  Had a life size poster of him in her bedroom watching her sleep.  **Shudder**

    She knew that show backwards and forwards and inside out.

  4. 4
    Beth says:

    That Fabio album is one of the funniest things I’ve heard in a long, long time.  I may have to get it for my husband for our anniversary.

    coming64—not likely with that background music.

  5. 5
    darlynne says:

    Yeah, don’t worry, there are many of us BatB fans out here. That’s why I loved “Hellboy,” although Ron Perlman was no Vincent in that flick.

    I had, as in “paid money for,” a tape of Thorsten Kaye—he of One Life to Live’s Patrick Thornhart—reading Keats and sonnets and … gah! My heart was older than 12 at the time, but the embarrassment still runs silent and deep.

    But the best link you’ve ever provided, ever, is the one to i-mockery.com and the Fabio reading. I think I broke some ribs and the stuff all over my computer monitor will never come off.

  6. 6
    Bravewolf says:

    I had that cassette too!  And played it over and over and over.  And over and over again.

  7. 7
    Denise says:

    I had that tape too!  Loved it and wore it out.  I was a HUGE B&B fan, so you are definitely not alone.

  8. 8
    Rinda says:

    This reminds me of a cassette tape I had years ago.  Couldn’t remember the name, just the writer—Lee Blaske.  But found it on Amazon.  Journey of the Vampire—check it out. ;)

    http://www.amazon.com/Behind-Day-Journey-Lee-Blaske/dp/B00000AEVX/ref=m_art_li_0

  9. 9
    laura v says:

    all my friends thought I was nucking futs because I was always listening to that Beauty & the Beast tape.

    I still have some of the poems from that tape memorized.  And, lucky aural thinker me, I get to hear them in Vincent’s voice.

  10. 10
    Ilona says:

    Loved BatB and wish I had had the tape – meantime I need to work on my husband and see if I can get him to uy me all three DVD’s (seperate from my book fund for the year LOL)

  11. 11
    Meggrs says:

    Hee! A couple of popular local morning radio DJs (SF Bay area) found that Fabio album a few years ago and could NOT stop playing clips and riffing to them.

    I think they still use the porny background tracks from time to time, and it never fails to crack me up.

  12. 12
    wendy says:

    Now I know where an Australian comedy show got their Fabio skit from. The comedian had on fake man-titty and an open frilly shirt and would give advice on luurve and romance, and would end the skit with, “Root me, root me”. Cracked me up every time.

  13. 13
    michelle says:

    I loved that show.  But the way they ended it still pisses me off.  My theory is that they knew there was a rabid fanbase and they didn’t want to get a lot of letters so they wanted to irritate fans.

    Spoiler

    Spoiler

    Spoiler

    I had read somewhere that they originally planned to have Vincent go into the “underworld” to bring Catherine back after they killed her, but changed it.

    Anyway I loved that show.  Also I have the CD of the soundtrack.

  14. 14
    Wry Hag says:

    Oh, man…the transcriptions of Fabio’s monologues made my belly jiggle as much as the audio clips did!

    “Talk Sex With Sue” on the Oxygen channel used to run (and maybe still does) cheezoid commercials for a couple of clit-zinger oils.  Same background music, I swear.

  15. 15
    taybug says:

    I love the reviewer on Amazon that said “It’s all such a ghastly car-accident of an album that it transcends into genius.”

  16. 16
    Ehren says:

    OMG! They’re on DVD? YES!! I loved that show!! Thanks!

  17. 17
    curlyq says:

    I had the BATB tape and I listened to it endlessly. And I HATE poetry so that tell you something about my passion for the show. I tried to find it on cd but I had no luck, I thought it didn’t even exist. To the ebay!

  18. 18
    Cyranetta says:

    Ringing in as another mad fan of B&tB and another who listened obsessively to the tape (it even helped distract me during wisdom teeth removal).

    And it is still available on CD:
    http://www.amazon.com/Beauty-Beast-Ren-Woods/dp/B000BLI3BG/ref=pd_bbs_2?ie=UTF8&s=music&qid=1199558018&sr=8-2

  19. 19
    LadyRhian says:

    There was an audiotape? I have the CD, and I still listen to it.

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