Friday Fun: Book-a-Minute Classics!

Robena sent me an email and her sig file cracked me up so hard, I asked where she got it. Turns out, all the succinct hilarity of her sig file is available for every novel at Book-A-Minute Classics. Need to know a summary of a classic novel? Go there. Laugh much.

I’m partial to this one:

The Collected Work of Jane Austen
By Jane Austen
Ultra-Condensed by Christina Carlson and Peter da Silva

Female Lead: I secretly love Male Lead. He must never know.

Male Lead:  I secretly love Female Lead. She must never know.

(They find out.)


Plus the Printed Edition and the Secret Edition of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone is a hoot, too.


Comments are Closed

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  2. 2
    closetcrafter says:

    Every time I go to a book sale I buy one or two classics and I’ve slowly been filling the shelves for my kids. Little did I know that all I really needed to do was print out 1 maybe 2 sheets of paper. Hilarious.

  3. 3
    fiveandfour says:

    I have a book titled How to Become Ridiculously Well-Read in One Evening that condenses books down to a sentence or paragraph (quite useful for knowing what certain books are *about* that you never intend to read), but this takes brevity to new heights. 


  4. 4
    Nifty says:

    Reminds me of the Reduced Gabaldon over at the Ladies of Lallybroch website:

    I like the one for Dragonfly:

    C & J:  We are terribly in love. Politics, intrigue, espionage, the French court and the run-up to Culloden; nothing will separate us.

    Jamie:  I have a price on my head and am lucky to be alive.

    Claire:  I am a time-travel survivor and am lucky to be alive.

    BJR:  Hahahh!! I am still alive!

    C & J:  Oh No!
      (they quarrel. J fights BJR)

    BJR:  I am impotent (bother) but still alive – hahahh!

    C & J:  We are reunited. Nothing will separate us now, but we cannot return to Scotland.
      (waves, seasickness, they return to Scotland)

    Jamie:  There is going to be a battle; you must leave me and return to Frank.
    Claire:  No, nothing must separate us.
      (20 years separation follows)

    Roger:  Actually, Jamie is still alive.
    Claire:  !!!?????!!

  5. 5
    Randi says:

    God, this is brilliant. Just brilliant!

  6. 6
    willa says:

    How many years of my life have I wasted, not knowing that this site existed? My life has new meaning! (clicks exhaustively on each and every condensed summary.)

  7. 7
    Leslie Kelly says:


    The bedtime story one is hilarious too.

    My fave:

    If You Give a Mouse a Cookie
    By Laura Joffe Numeroff
    Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker

    Don’t give anything to anyone.


  8. 8
    moonrat says:

    this is so truly awesome.

  9. 9
    Katie W. says:

    Holy frak. I’m laughing so much that I’m hacking up a lung (my doc is going to be so mad at me). I’ll bet the cough medicine makes this site even MORE fun.

    And, I gotta do it, one of my favorite books by Steinbeck,

    Of Mice and Men

    , Ultra Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker:


      Lennie, this is our big chance. Don’t be stupid.


      I love petting purdy things.

    (Lennie kills stuff by accident. George shoots his dog.)


    Ha! Love this site. Will have this site’s babies.

  10. 10
    NHS says:

    Well Darn! I’ll have to wait till I get home.
    “Access denied. The URL you entered is categorized as Computer Games and has been blocked to maintain the business interests of (Big Brother), ensure regulatory compliance and/or protect the safety and security of associates and customers.

  11. 11
    Katie W. says:

    That stinks, NHS. One of the good things about being the office manager (in a business run by my father-in-law, aka Da Boss Man) is that I set up all of our firewall/internet perameters. Of course, father-in-law can barely access his email, so I’m free to do whatever the heck I want to do on the internet (which mostly means refreshing these comments threads like the big dork that I am).

    Anyone else bored and want to do some one-minute condensed versions of some romance novels?

    Nora Robert’s

    Jewels Of The Sun

    , Uber-Condensed by Me:


    I must go to Ireland to heal myself.


    Jude is hot. I think I can stand being married to her.


    You brute!

    (Jude BREAKS Aidan’s NOSE. He FALLS in LOVE with her. They FIGHT. GREAT SEX.)


    Ok. I’ll marry you.


    I promise to not bombard the comments thread with these (until the cough medicine kicks in, that is).

  12. 12
    Angelina says:

    Loved the Canterbury Tales sung to the tune of Gilligans Island.

    The Franklin was a whore. LOL! Doesn’t get any better.

  13. 13
    Bonnie L. says:

    I’m loving the Romeo and Juliet condensation:

    Oh, Juliet!

    Oh, Romeo!

    Oh, Juliet!

    Oh, Romeo!

    Oh, Juliet! (dies)

    Oh, Romeo!……Romeo?……Dammit.

  14. 14
    Kinley says:

    My favourite is the one for Moll Flanders:

    That is bloody funny.

  15. 15
    TracyS says:

    Hilarious!  My favorites:

    Ebenezer Scrooge

      Bah, humbug. You’ll work thirty-eight hours on Christmas Day, keep the heat at five degrees, and like it.

    Ghost of Jacob Marley

      Ebenezer Scrooge, three ghosts of Christmas will come and tell you you’re mean.

    Three Ghosts of Christmas

      You’re mean.

    Ebenezer Scrooge

      At last, I have seen the light. Let’s dance in the streets. Have some money.

    THE END”

    I love the “have some money line!”

    “An old man catches a fish that’s too big for his boat. The fish gets eaten by sharks. Then he goes home and DIES.


    THE END”

    I only like this one because I HATED this book and I love how it’s reduced to one sentence!

    “Holden Caulfield

      Angst angst angst swear curse swear crazy crazy angst swear curse, society sucks, and I’m a stupid jerk.


    THE END”

    I also hated that book too and the summary there is the reason why. LOL

  16. 16
    Amy says:

    That Jane Austen summary might be funnier if it were, in fact, the summary to ANY Jane Austen story.

    It isn’t.

    P&P—arguably applicable to Darcy, at least for the first third of the book, but not to Elizabeth

    S&S—not remotely applicable to Marianne and Willoughby OR Marianne and Brandon OR Elinor and Edward

    MP—Fanny seems desperately to want Edward to figure this out.  She never says anything, but this is more out of timidity than any “must never know” attitude.

    Persuasion—as Fanny and Wentworth went through a broken engagement before the book even starts, they’re pretty well informed that each once loved the other.

    Emma—does not compute.

    I admit I’m not very familiar with Northhanger Abbey, but if the one time I read it back in high school has lingered enough in my brain, then that was sort of a mock-Gothic story more about humor than any nobly restrained love.

    Seriously, the joke’s only funny if it’s true.

  17. 17

    I perused the entire Rinkworks site (also the related, I think, Tolkien sarcasm page) when I was little… thanks for linking to it again! I haven’t seen any updates since I was 13 or so.

    The J.K. Rowling one is great.

  18. 18
    jmc says:

    OMG—The Canterbury Tales and Gilligan all in one?

  19. 19
    Hollyn says:

    Love this one.

    The Yellow Wallpaper
    By Charlotte Perkins Gilman

    The Wife
    I think I’m sick. What do you think, my husband and noted physician?

    The Husband
    Nah. But stay inside and don’t talk to anyone until you’re better.

    The Wife
    Now I’m insane.


  20. 20

    I just sent my Chaucer professor the link to the CT sung to the Gilligan’s theme song.


    He’ll love it.

  21. 21
    Minx Malone says:

    I love the Romeo and Juliet one as well! However the Moby Dick is pretty hilarious.

    Moby Dick

    By Herman Melville
    Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard


      Call me Ishmael.

    Captain Ahab

      Crew, we will seek the white whale and kill it, because I am insane.


      Alas, your destructive obsession will be our undoing.

    (They almost find the white whale. Then they almost find the white whale. Then they find it.)

    Captain Ahab

      I stab at thee. I stab at thee.

    (Everybody dies except Ishmael, although this is no surprise, because it was foreshadowed CONTINUALLY from the BEGINNING.)


  22. 22
    AnimeJune says:

    When I review romance novels for my blogs, I used to do condensed versions (I’ve had no time recent due to schoolwork). Here’s one I did of Elizabeth Hoyt’s “The Raven Prince”:

    Edward: I need a secretary!

    Anna: I can write!

    Edward: You’re hired! Wait – you’re a woman? I’ll just use my patented remedy for unwanted attractions to proper widows – one visit to a whorehouse, on the double!

    Anna: Grrr…NO FAIR. *disguised as whore* Hey, baby.

    Edward: Hurrah!

    *Masked Georgian Bordello Sex!*

    Edward: I’m cured! Wait a minute…no I’m not.

    Anna: Here are those papers you asked for.

    Edward: *recognizes!*

    Anna: *recognized!*

    Edward: Slut!

    Anna: Whoremonger!

    Edward: I’m ugly and you’re lustful!

    Anna: You’re sexy and I’m in love with you!

    Edward: Yeah, I like your version better. Marry me!

    Anna: Not for another 100 pages!

    Edward: DAMMIT!

  23. 23
    AnimeJune says:

    Here’s another one I did for Jennifer Crusie’s “Anyone But You”:

    Alex: You’re hot!

    Nina: You’re a child!

    Alex: I’m a hot piece of man-child!

    Nina: Despite the fact you’re a doctor, I’m pretty sure you’ll be totally disgusted and probably mentally scarred if you expose your tender 30-year-old senses to my 40-year-old naked body!

    Alex: And I’m so afraid you think I’m a feckless youth that I’m going to ignore everything you say and start turning myself into your ex-husband!

    Fred: *WOOF!*

    Nina and Alex: Problem solved! *kissyface humpysex*

  24. 24
    AnimeJune says:

    This could actually make a fun contest – anyone else have fun ones?

  25. 25
    Brianna says:

    Omg that site is hilarious. I’m partial to the Hamlet one myself.


    Whine whine whine…To be or not to be…I’m dead.

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