Covers! We Snark Them!

Candy’s portion of the cover snark today is in honor of the recent statement by Signet regarding the acceptable use of other people’s words in one’s original work. She is but too conscious of the fact that we are born in an age when only the dull are treated seriously, and she lives in terror of not being misunderstood.

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Sarah: H’thur GRn’znRk smiled with glee. She could easily lodge a few million of her poisonous, lethal eggs in the schnoz of the tycoon holding her hand. Just wait until he was at her mercy. Her breeding plan would give him a new definition for “hostile takeover.”

Candy: He is really not so ugly after all, provided, of course, that one shuts one’s eyes, and does not look at him.

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Sarah: The outtakes of this cover shoot must be a scream! “You have Man Hands!” “I’m falling over AGAIN!” “Why do you have a baton wedged under your skirt…?” “Your falsies have slipped northward again and are going to choke me.”

Candy: The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties.

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Sarah: Carter from ER finally understood why she kept exclaiming that Amazon Prime offered free two-day shipping on all products shipped from and sold by Amazon.com. 

Candy: To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    rebyj says:

    The tycoon looks like a thinner Bob Saget who’s small head has been photshopped onto a broader shouldered man, AND he’s smiling way too much given that her oddly pointed chin would cover any cleavage he might see from that vantage point.

    ahh snarkage…

  2. 2
    eliz. says:

    The “Carolina Christmas” gal looks suspiciously like Katherine Heigl.

  3. 3
    DS says:

    Carolina Christmas girl seems to have a spinal disorder. Perhaps she was having a cervical muscle spasm that has caused severe straightening of her neck.  He is chiropractor who is making house call to provide her with some emergency manipulation.

  4. 4
    Charlene says:

    So Candy has discovered the importance of being earnest?

  5. 5
    Wry Hag says:

    Whoa.  If a rugrat jumped out of my present—with reeking, laden diapers and tentacles akimbo—I’d be bummed out like I’d just been sentenced to a Turkish prison.

    All I want for Christmas is a seat on the Midnight Express.  Now.

  6. 6
    Katie says:

    Oh, Oliver. You truly are the bitchiest of them all.

    (and the Carolina xmas girl is totally Katherine Heigl)

  7. 7
    Rachel B. says:

    OMG!! The Tycoon should be called “Return of NoseCock Guy!” He looks like he’s about to ravish her repeatedly with that immense man-thing stickin’ out of his face. Where do they find these guys? Could it actually be the same guy?

  8. 8

    If a rugrat jumped out of my present—with reeking, laden diapers and tentacles akimbo

    I read that as TESTICLES akimbo.  Which is also quite the mental image, especially when merged with shitty diapers. 

    Nuthin’ says romance like a surprise in the pants.

  9. 9
    Wry Hag says:

    Oh, Amy, I like your image so much better!  (“Testicles akimbo”…yikes, I’m spitting corn-puff fragments between my keys, envisioning those low swangers.  Damn my imagination!)

  10. 10
    Mama Nice says:

    Oh – you just know Oscar Wilde would love the bitches!

  11. 11
    Vanessa Lyle says:

    This is why I dislike your blog.  I can take the snark, I can tolerate your potty mouths by remembering you’re still young enough to think it’s cool.  But the cover-trashing just crosses the line.  Authors at Harlequin/Silhouette have no control over their covers and feel pretty bad when they get a crummy one.  Your bitchy comments only make them feel worse.  Grow up, would you?

  12. 12
    Goblin says:

    Why is that woman on cover #1 so tiny? Thank goodness for her large breasts or that image would have been nearly pedophilic. Ee-ew.

  13. 13
    asrai says:

    The guy in #3 doesn’t seem as happy with his Christmas gift as he should be.

  14. 14
    Brandi says:

    Don’t chafe there, Vanessa.

  15. 15
    Lyvvie says:

    The Carolina cover kind of ruins the story for me as I already know what the present is (A white LED in a wee blue box. Or maybe the soul of Marcellus Wallace.). And I can see she’s looking at the ring (Because it’s supposed to be the most beautiful.)…but what is he looking at??

  16. 16
    Chicklet says:

    I’m trying to figure out why the artist thought giving Carolina Christmas Girl the hands of Paul Bunyan was a good idea. Does her Carolina estate require she chop a lot of wood?

  17. 17
    Nancy Beck says:

    I’ll bet she can rip apart a lobster with them Man Hands.

  18. 18
    NHS says:

    As a Carolina Girl I just want to say that the majority of us have normal size hands. Really we do.

  19. 19

    I, too, often read blogs I totally hate.

    There is nothing more fun than wasting hours and hours of my time.

    But I love the hair color on #1. If this book was about a punk hipster who somehow snagged a straight-laced wealthy tycoon (think Pretty Woman without the whore part), I’d definitely read it. But I would bet $5 it’s not really about that.

    And plus, the story would have to be about that pretty punk girl and the ugly cover dude’s handsomer, richer brother.

  20. 20
    Kaite says:

    It looks like they’re about to go into an allamande left on that first cover (yee-haw!) I mean, don’t get me wrong, square dancing is fun, I just don’t think they’re really dressed for it.

  21. 21
    Candy says:

    Charlene:

    If, with the literate, I am
    Impelled to try an epigram,
    I never seek to take the credit;
    We all assume that Oscar said it.

  22. 22
    EmmyS says:

    And I can see she’s looking at the ring (Because it’s supposed to be the most beautiful.)…but what is he looking at??

    Nothing – his eyes have been surgically removed. Maybe to provide food for H’thur GRn’znRk’s poisonous eggs.

    My favority Wilde: “A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. “

  23. 23
    Daisy Adaire says:

    I know writers. I know writers who have gotten handed truly heinous covers.

    They snark their covers harder than the Bitches do.

  24. 24
    Tina says:

    Cover #3, When re-gifting goes horribly wrong.

    Cover #2, Accept the ring, ignore the gaydar.  Accept the ring, ignore the gaydar.

  25. 25
    Omar Simpson says:

    Cover #2, Accept the ring, ignore the gaydar.  Accept the ring, ignore the gaydar.

    Which one of them is gay? It could be the man, but something tells me both of them could be gay

    And, despite what Candy and Sarah think, the woman doesn’t look like a man in drag at all in the second one (the first cover, maybe—only because of the fake red wig and the obvious Adam’s apple. Unless that’s a goiter)

  26. 26
    Realityhelix says:

    The guy at the top looks like every nerdy jr. high boy I’ve ever known, and the girl at the top looks like every snot-nosed bitch I’ve ever wanted to slap. Perfect combination.

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