Cover Snark: The Last and Best Argument for Amnesia

Gemma sent us the following two covers. In the interest of politeness, I definitely said, “Thank you.” I would not say the same to the art department.

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Sarah: Dear Lover England: Apparently I must lie back and think of you, even though I am distracted by the tingling sensation in my womanly parts. Is that normal? Love, your darling Schnookums.

Candy: 65-year-old playboy Humbert England was ecstatic when he snagged what he thought was a nubile 22-year-old playmate…except he found out for himself the advanced state of elective surgery when he discovered not just cobwebs in a Certain Place, but spiders, too.

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Sarah: That woman in the middle, Nurse Scratchet, is wondering why these two grinning nimbobs haven’t gotten the message. “The Rose and the Thorn?” The fire in their respective nether parts? What does she have to do, spell it out for them: “YOU PEOPLE HAVE VENERAL DISEASE!”

Candy: Why are there children sitting around a bonfire in these people’s crotches? Seriously. Kids. In people’s crotches. Not cool.

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Sarah: “…and the name ‘Rosamund’ will be forever synonymous with mammoth breasts no puffy shirt can hide.”

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No wonder the poor thing needs a walking stick. Holy shit.

Candy: Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge…tracts of land.

Sorry for going for the obvious joke, but it’s not as if those bodice puppies are especially subtle.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Freezair says:

    Crossing my Internet wires, I think Yahtzee’s bosom people found their new bosom homeworld on cover 3. Good red-eye gravy on a chicken-fried steak!

  2. 2
    Shannon says:

    Will anybody confess to having read Dear Lover England? Do the giant, black, hairy spiders play a pivotal role?

    I think that’s the most bizarre cover I’ve ever seen. And it would have been hard to hold open without touching the spiders.

  3. 3
    Robinjn says:

    Well Dear Rosamund must also be a time traveller, since she is pictured with a Doberman, a breed that did not exist in any way, shape, or form in 16th Century England or Scotland (breed was developed in late 1800s).

    Or perhaps it’s a Weimaraner, also not around during that time.

    Need I mention that both of those breeds are German?

  4. 4
    Trumystique says:

    Coming out of lurkdom again.

    NO! NO! NO! Dont hate on the Rose and Thorn.

    The Rose and The Thorn is one of the first romance novels I read and loved. I have dragged it around to every place I have lived. And I reread it a few years back to make sure it wasnt total crap despite nostalgic rememberings. It was okay though it had the evil ex girlfriend who kills puppies. Yes the cover is snark-worthy. I think the kids are there cause she is governess or maybe its cause she like kids or sumthing. Okay maybe I need to read this again to figure out what the bonfire is about.

    Returning to lurkdom

  5. 5
    Chicklet says:

    Not only does The Rose and the Thorn feature crotch-adjacent bonfires and kids, it seems a random production of The Music Man has broken out behind the couple. Trouble with a capital T, which rhymes with P, and that stands for peen.

  6. 6
    Bravewolf says:

    Robinjn, you beat me to it!  The first thing I thought when I saw this cover was, “a DOBERMAN?!”

  7. 7
    --E says:

    I suspect Rosamund’s cover art was scaled unevenly (it can happen with today’s electronic mechanicals). Her face and hair look a little wide; even the dog’s face looks a little stretched.

    Also, the proportions on the cover as shown in the entry are wider than a mass market cover. Which isn’t to say those aren’t some bodacious ta-tas, but the effect seems to be exaggerated by factors outside the original painting.

  8. 8
    Shannon says:

    It’s probably meant to be a Greyhound, just drawn a little…beefy, like his mistress.

    He’s looking over at the artist, wondering where his puffy shirt is.

  9. 9
    Deb says:

    I just can’t seem to get over the spiders.  BEcause, you know, *nothing* says romance like a bunch of hairy spiders running around while you’re in a clinch.

  10. 10
    Teddy Pig says:

    The Adventures of Doglass: Dog Of The Future!

    In this chapter Doglass the Dog Of The Future! saves Rosamund from certain death caused by inadequate sprinklers in her 18th century mansion and then prescribes breast reduction surgery.

  11. 11
    Jean says:

    It looks like a Weirmaraner to me.

  12. 12
    SB Sarah says:

    Except for the very compact head, I thought it was a Vizsla, which is historically possible, except the coloring is off and I’m not sure if Rosamund and her Munds are Hungarian. But the skewed head shape could be incorrect aspect ratio in the image.

  13. 13
    Claire says:

    Candy, you can always go for the obvious joke when the obvious involves Python goodness.

    Always.

  14. 14
    Angelina says:

    Arachnaphobia 2: A Big Hairy Mess. OMG, nothing gets me hotter than exoskeletons!

    My first thought when I saw the second cover was, burning sensations? Thorns? Maybe it’s a UTI?

    Can’t make fun of Rosamund because my granny would then hurt me, it’s one of her favorite books.

    Hot Smoke, I have missed Cover Snark!

  15. 15
    Robinjn says:

    Except for the very compact head, I thought it was a Vizsla, which is historically possible, except the coloring is off and I’m not sure if Rosamund and her Munds are Hungarian. But the skewed head shape could be incorrect aspect ratio in the image.

    Nope, no way a V, they’re bright red dogs with very different heads. And the head is wrong for a Weim. The closer I look I see markings—it’s a brown uncropped Doberman. With actually a lovely Doberman head (says the woman who has owned, bred, trained, and shown Dobermans for almost 25 years…).

    I know, it’s the reincarnation of Baron von Munchausen, come to protect and save the world from Rosamund’s heaving bosoms.

  16. 16
    Dragonette says:

    Hey!  I didn’t know Debra Messing did a romance cover!  Where’s Jack’s?

    And… holy god that spider cover is creepy.  Aren’t the covers supposed to help

    sell

    the books?  I wouldn’t even pick it up, much less let it share a bedroom with me.  *shudder*

  17. 17
    Tania HC says:

    Yay! Cover Snark!!

    Spiders on a romance novel cover? WTF??

    Oh, if you are so inclined, check out Think Geek’s Huge Tracts of Land shirt. I wear mine to bed. And sometimes out grocery shopping, late at night.

  18. 18
    FrancisT says:

    So were the large tracts an attemot cover artist on Rosamund to compensate for the name of the Author?

  19. 19
    AgTigress says:

    I have never seen a Dobermann in any colour but black-and-tan;  I think it is that grey-brown effect that suggested a Weimaraner to people. It ought, as somebody said, to be a Greyhound;  they have not changed all that much for a couple of millennia, and were dogs associated with the aristocracy. 
    However, I am also unclear how anyone can tell, from the extraordinary costume, what historical period that scene is supposed to evoke.  Looks more like 1940s historical film-set than medieval Scotland to me.

  20. 20
    Robinjn says:

    Actually to be proper it probably should be a lurcher or a scottish deerhound.

  21. 21
    Teddy Pig says:

    Her name was Rosamund, she was a Lady
    Though dressed up like a whore
    as she wandered the Scottish Moors

  22. 22
    Teddy Pig says:

    Manilow don’t fail me now!

  23. 23
    AgTigress says:

    The Scottish Deerhound of today, in spite of its undoubtedly ancient origins, is a Victorian re-creation, so I doubt whether it would be easy to depict one that would be right for the date – 16th century, did someone say?  Good grief.  Mind you, a deerhound as painted by Landseer would be a lot more authentic than that mind-boggling costume!  ‘Lurcher’ is a pretty wide concept, especially where it overlaps with ‘greyhound’, so I wouldn’t disagree with that.
    ;)

  24. 24
    Chad Saxelid says:

    I was wondering when I would find a romance novel that would reach across and caress my monster loving side.  Dear Lover England appears to be that book.  I swear that it looks like the spiders from Lucio Fulci’s The Beyond are skittering over for some serious genre-crossover face munching.

    And nothing says romance like Hugh Hefner with an air filter wrapped around his neck about to smooch on his current blonde playmate of the month.

  25. 25
    Becs says:

    Do giant spiders really attack the castle in the book?

  26. 26
    Gemiwing says:

    I’ll have you know I was the inspiration for the Rosamund cover. And that is not a dog, its what we Scotts call A Wee Hamster. We actually have breeds bigger than that in the Highlands but we dinna like to brag.

    mah wee code: heavy 15… and yes that’s per each.

  27. 27

    I was on the phone when I read this-Teach me NOT to be doing that!

    Huuuuge tracts of land indeed! Holy flipper!

  28. 28
    Kalen Hughes says:

    No way is that a greyhound or a deerhound. Hello to Dobies of the Middle Ages. And WTF is that costume? Does the book take place at some kind of fantasy con, like Bimbos of the Death Sun? I mean, it looks vaguely like a Victoria riding habit worn without any undergarments and sans coat. Vaguely.

    And best not to think too much about the spiders. It’s all a little Aragog for me.

  29. 29
    Kalen Hughes says:

    Victorian

    Damn-it-all

    Victorian

    Why can’t I type?

  30. 30
    Krista says:

    So the spiders on that cover are driving me insane, I tried to find out what the book was aboud but could only find the back cover description:

    Many Women Marry and Live in Torment . . . Or Do Not Live at All!”
    An uncomfortable silence fell at the young queen’s pronouncement. Everyone knew what she was thinking. Her own mother, the bewitching Anne Boleyn, had paid for her love with death. Elizabeth was not about to meet a similar horrible fate. So while her courtiers buzzed with suggestions that she marry this prince or that king, the queen remained unmoved! For her heart had already been given to a very special lover, and to this lover she would dedicate her entire being . . .

    So no mention of Giant Spiders, the book is from the late 70s which makes finding any kind of indepth review on it next to impossible for my Google Searching Abilities.

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