Christmas Party, Part Deux!

As you’re hopped up on egg nog, enjoy the holiday madness here at Smart Bitches!

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Sarah: Nothing says “Christmas” like Ryan Seacrest on a meth bender. Holly jolly, indeed!

Candy: Why is David Boreanaz on a Harlequin cover, and why is he channeling Arnold Schwarzenegger circa 1986?

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Sarah: Not that she doesn’t look lovely in that dress, and not that I’m being a wicked catty bitch, but that might be the first depiction of arm flab on a cover model. Now we need heroes with some muffin top! Real People in Romance Now! (And I hope she sets him on fire with that bigass candle because he looks creepy. I’d rather kiss Milton.)

Candy: Oh, man. A cover featuring That Douche From the Office. You know, the one who gives you unasked-for shoulder rubs because you look “tense.” The one who leers at you when you wear a pretty new sweater to work. The one who talks about how much his former girlfriends enjoyed sex with him. You know, That Douche. Yech.

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Sarah: Check out this cover, and the one directly above it. I swear, that’s the same dude. And he is making the rounds of the holiday party in a manner which I am sure will be written up in next year’s employee conduct manual.

Candy: “A ring that’s capable of trapping a million tortured souls per carat? Just what I always wanted! Look at how the bright flames of their agony make the cover artist apply the lens flare effect like they’re paid a thousand dollars every time they hit the Ctrl-F button!”

“Nothing’s too good for my schnookums!”

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Reileen says:

    With that ring in #3, it looks like the guy is saying “Oh, you’re married! How delightful!” and then later is going to murder the woman for being an Evil Married Treacherous H0r.

    Also, the scenes from #2 and #3 look like they’re from senior prom. Is that what the books are really supposed to be about? o_O

  2. 2
    Teddy Pig says:

    the one who gives you unasked-for shoulder rubs because you look “tense.”

    I had a big burly redheaded senior chief do this one time in the office when I was in the Navy.
    Was it wrong to take him home and pound his ass for points later that day?

    I’m such a WHORE!

  3. 3

    You ladies are far too evil… And I love it!

    That one with the ring… ‘Nuff said. Really. :)

  4. 4
    xatya says:

    On #1, isn’t colby a type of cheese?

  5. 5
    Teddy Pig says:

    You like my ring? Oh it’s nothing really.
    My mother gave it to me.
    It’s a rare piece of Australian Jokers Black Coral. Highly poisonous one scratch and it makes you grin foolishly as lose the ability to breath. Sadly no known antidote. Are you OK? Would you like to sit down?

  6. 6
    MaryKate says:

    Was it wrong to take him home and pound his ass for points later that day?

    Teddy, I think I *heart* you.

  7. 7
    DragonessEclectic says:

    #3 looks like he is starving and getting ready to eat her hand.

  8. 8

    That little subtitle on #3 sounds creepily whorey and gold diggery (diggery? yes, diggery).

    “A convenient proposal.”

    How… convenient. How snarky.

  9. 9
    taybug says:

    Dude! That Douche from the office totally tried to give me a shoulder rub because I looked tense a couple days ago! Has that worked at least one time in the past, and that’s why they continue to use it???

  10. 10
    Wry Hag says:

    I, too, always find myself reaching for some dude’s ball at a holiday party.  Both if I can manage it.  And, yup, that invariably makes my fingers light up.

  11. 11

    Cover #2 – because you know the Office Douche carries mistletoe in his pocket to the office parties.

    Cover #3 – touch me again and I’ll blind you with my magic ring…

  12. 12
    LDH says:

    The Creepy office guy actually reminds me of the man from that Bravo show “Flipping Out”…

  13. 13
    Rachel B. says:

    Am I the only bitch who is a little freaked out by the nose on That Douche guy? I mean, it’s really oddly shaped, so much so that it just about qualifies as a “hidden penis picture,” or whatever we call that. It looks like a cock right in the middle of his face, pointin’ right at her!

    However, I must also take a moment to chastise Sarah. That model does not have arm flab! *I* have arm flab. Royally large and juicy arm flab. No. What that model has is just a complete lack of muscle tone. The loose, droopy texture of her arm skin suggests that she’s recovering from one of those awful liquid diets, or perhaps from gastric bypass surgery. In fact, I think she must be grinning at That Douche because to her, the cocknose looks more like a banana and she’s thinking, “Oh God! Food!”

  14. 14
    Julie Leto says:

    Am I the only one who thinks the guy in books two and three look like Smilin’ Bob of the Enzite?  (Or however you spell it?)

  15. 15
    quichepup says:

    Nothing says classy like the torn off sleeves in #1. I thought cheese when I saw it too.

    I agree that’s some schnozz on #2.

    It looks to me like dude in #3 is about to mug her and slip that ring off her finger.

  16. 16
    Charlene says:

    #3 appears to tell the touching story of Mr. Johnson in chemistry and his new star Grade 11 pupil.

    Also, ‘convenient proposal’? Did her regular boyfriend skip out of town when the rabbit died?

  17. 17
    Nell says:

    Re: #2 – Dude, when did Bill Nye the Science Guy start cover modeling?

  18. 18
    Angelina says:

    Cover #1 – My first thought was Arnold saying “Come with me if you want to live”. She just looks like she’s a little hung over and not sure where she is.

    Cover #3 – I am from Indiana, here we get engaged at the prom all the time here. Nothing else better to do. That’s why its coveniant. Nothing says busy like planning your wedding and graduation party at the same time!

    No joke, actually saw this happen my senior year.

  19. 19
    Angelina says:

    Sorry for the here & here – trying to type too fast and not proofreading.

  20. 20
    Lisa says:

    What is Bill Nye the Science Guy doing on Romance novel covers?

    problems28. Hmmm.

  21. 21
    Marnie "Sugar Walls" Yeager says:

    Am I the only bitch who is a little freaked out by the nose on That Douche guy? I mean, it’s really oddly shaped, so much so that it just about qualifies as a “hidden penis picture,” or whatever we call that. It looks like a cock right in the middle of his face…

    You know, that’s exactly what people say about Owen Wilson’s nose, but to me, it looks like he never went to the doctor’s to have it fixed (not that I would want that. The broken nose is who he is and these days, there aren’t any male stars that have a quirky look [or they do, but it’s co-opted by others so much that it’s not original anymore]).

  22. 22
    Lisa Y says:

    Gotta wonder if the millions of tortured souls in that ring are those of the book’s unfortunate readers. 8-)

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