As you’re hopped up on egg nog, enjoy the holiday madness here at Smart Bitches!
Sarah: Nothing says “Christmas” like Ryan Seacrest on a meth bender. Holly jolly, indeed!
Candy: Why is David Boreanaz on a Harlequin cover, and why is he channeling Arnold Schwarzenegger circa 1986?
Sarah: Not that she doesn’t look lovely in that dress, and not that I’m being a wicked catty bitch, but that might be the first depiction of arm flab on a cover model. Now we need heroes with some muffin top! Real People in Romance Now! (And I hope she sets him on fire with that bigass candle because he looks creepy. I’d rather kiss Milton.)
Candy: Oh, man. A cover featuring That Douche From the Office. You know, the one who gives you unasked-for shoulder rubs because you look “tense.” The one who leers at you when you wear a pretty new sweater to work. The one who talks about how much his former girlfriends enjoyed sex with him. You know, That Douche. Yech.
Sarah: Check out this cover, and the one directly above it. I swear, that’s the same dude. And he is making the rounds of the holiday party in a manner which I am sure will be written up in next year’s employee conduct manual.
Candy: “A ring that’s capable of trapping a million tortured souls per carat? Just what I always wanted! Look at how the bright flames of their agony make the cover artist apply the lens flare effect like they’re paid a thousand dollars every time they hit the Ctrl-F button!”
“Nothing’s too good for my schnookums!”