Women On Both Sides of the Pond Crack Can of Whoopass

Bitchery reader Caroline sent me this link to a jaw-dropping column about how American women measure up to British women, written by some guy I’ve never heard of named Tad Safran.

I would like to place my crisp, waxed, manicured, and very attractive dollar, which is worth jackass shit compared to the UK Pound, on a bet that Mr. Safran will have a HELL of a time getting laid in the future.

Mr. Safran thinks American girls pay more attention to our appearances, and we look after ourselves with what we consider obligatory beauty maintenance that includes, “haircut, highlights, manicure, pedicure, waxing, tanning, make-up, facials, teeth whitening etc. They will spend a further $1,000 (£500) a month on physical conditioning such as military fitness, spinning sessions, vikram [sic] yoga, Pilates, deep-tissue sports massage, personal training etc. On top of that, add the occasional spa day, a week-long “bikini boot camp” in Mexico at the start of every summer and seasonal splurges on personal shoppers and clothing. I’m not sure any of my British female friends spends £700 during an entire year on her appearance.”

Ouch. Well, ok, he’s entitled to his opinion. But then he breaks out the nasty and layers it on with a very thick hand:

“At dinner, I found myself sitting opposite something that surely would have been happier hunting for truffles in the forests of France or grazing on the grassy marshlands of Canada. My friend’s wife had told me that Sophie still had the body of a 20-year-old. Maybe she did . . . dismembered in her freezer at home. She certainly didn’t have it on her skeleton.”

Oh, dude. No, you didn’t.

So based on his experience with one blind date and his observations of women in the US – specifically New York City and LA, two cities wherein the female inhabitants are certainly more self-aware in terms of beauty regimen than other parts of the country – he arrives at his question: “Why is it the case (and I’m generalising here) that British women spend so little time and effort on looking after them-selves…. For some reason, being seen to make an effort with one’s appearance is regarded as shameful among British women.”

What?! He thinks Brit ladies are fugtastic because of a twisted beauty-based version of tall-poppy syndrome?

Fear not, British women. He gives us forward American women a mannerly shakedown as well: “The irony is that, as obsessed as American women are with their looks, they totally ignore their social skills. Within 10 minutes of meeting an American woman, I guarantee you will know her salary and most recent medical/ dental procedure. They all but turn up with their CV printed out…. American women also take themselves too seriously and are annoyingly confrontational.”

In the end, Mr. Safran’s observation is that American women are gorgeous but without social grace; British women are fug-buttly but a great person to have a pint with.

Oh my dear sweet baby Moses watching Baby Einstein DVDs. And to think, so many of the chick-lit books I read a few years ago featured British protagonists getting makeovers, losing weight, reinventing themselves physically, and winning a guy in the end for their efforts when he realized that the stellar character within was finally matched by a Hawtty McBod without.

For the life of me, I can’t figure out why this guy felt the need to pen this missive of manfoolishness unless he’s trying to embark on a vow of celibacy, and wanted to make sure no nubile young women from either country tried to tempt him out of his sexless mission. Holy cow.

So – can there be a happy ending for this dude? Or shall we devise new methods of torture to pay him back for his careful and careless analysis of American and British ladies?

My personal fantasy: this man meets a Southern belle and has his ass handed to him in the most politely cutting manner possible by someone who is breathtakingly polished and utterly uninterested in him. Bless his heart.

Categorized:

The Link-O-Lator

Comments are Closed

  1. Barb Ferrer says:

    There was this joke I learned when I was in grad school in Tennessee.  (You’ll have to imagine the drawl—it’s better that way.)

    Two aging Southern Belles were sitting on the veranda of the home of one of the Belles.  Belle #1 glanced over at Belle #2, held out her wrist and said, “My husband—for my birthday, he gave me this beautiful tennis bracelet.”

    Belle #2 gave the bracelet a polite glance, took a sip of mint julep, and drawled, “Oh really, how nice.”

    Belle #1 wanted more of a reaction than that. so she figured she try again.  “My husband, for Christmas, gave me that darlin’ little Mercedes convertible under the porte corchere.”

    Once again, Belle #2, glanced over politely and drawled, “Oh really, how nice.”

    Now this wasn’t going to do at all.  Belle #1 really wanted more of a reaction.  So she pulled out the big guns.  “My husband—for our anniversary, is goin’ to take us on a round the world cruise.”

    Belle #2, as calm as ever, took another sip of julep and drawled, “Oh really, how nice.”

    Wel nowl, Belle #1 just had to know what on earth could Belle #2 have received as a gift that made hers pale so in comparison.  “Well, what did your husband get you for Christmas?”

    Belle #2 smiled serenely, took another sip from her glass and answered, “My husband got me lessons at charm school so I could learn how to say ‘Oh really, how nice,” instead of ‘Fuck off, you obnoxious bitch.’”

    Oh really, how nice, is truly quite a useful phrase.  *g*

  2. Also, hello?  He’s managed to miss the point of Bridget Jones’s Diary as well.  Bridget doesn’t get Mark Darcy by ‘improving herself’—he likes her just the way she is.  It’s a line in the film for goodness sake!

    Sounds as if he was so busy worrying about Bridget’s lack of fake tan and gym-attendance that he missed, you know, the point of the whole film.

    And it’s not an iconic chick-flick.  It’s a quite pleasant film version of the very clever, funny and subtly subversive book, which makes points that are exactly the opposite to the ones in this article.

  3. Bronwyn says:

    So are Canadian women the best of both worlds in his sick little theory? ‘Cause there is some serious comodification going on here.

  4. Ellie M. says:

    The comments dissing all the fatties and fuglies out there who’ve “let themselves go” are actually more depressing than the article.

  5. Chrissy says:

    Barb, my dad is from VA and his sisters told me this one…

    A girl from Boston is at a gathering in Rich Valley, VA.  One southern lady asks “where y’all from?”

    The snooty Bostonian answers “I’m from a civilized place, where we do NOT end a sentence in a preposition?”

    The southern lady smiles sweetly and replies, “so sorry, where y’all from, BITCH?”

    *I am a greater-Bostonian… no hate mail.  LOL

  6. Oh my goodness, some of the comments after his article are insane.

    “British women are truly awful, loud, cheap, binge drinking, obese, often infested with STD’s”

    Right.  Yep, that’s us.  Infested.

    Liking the jokes, btw!

  7. jackie says:

    This idiot doesn’t know what he’s talking about.  I feel sorry for his wife—all her friends must hate him.

  8. Barb Ferrer says:

    BWAH! Chrissy!  Too funny!! I’ll have to tell that to my father-in-law—he loves jokes like that.  I told him “Oh really, how nice,” at least ten years ago and he STILL says it with a sly expression during certain, erm… occasions.

    And I apologize for all the typos in mine—just got a shipment of Cuban/Spanish holiday goodies from Miami and I’m on a massive sugar rush.

  9. cecilia says:

    There was an interesting column in the Globe and Mail the other day, which I think is an interesting foil – a number of comments have brought up other helpful newspaper pieces expressing one man’s opinion on all the ways women suck (and not in a good way). This article is almost a response to that trend, as it talks about (and objects to) the many ways women are represented as loathsome creatures in entertainment.

    http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20071215.wschneller1215/BNStory/Entertainment/

  10. Sprite says:

    I agree with Sherry.  I think he is hoping that women will start falling over themselves to make him find them attractive.

    Either that or he’s trying for notoriety/selling papers. 

    Imagine being that blind date he called a pig.  She’d surely recognize herself if she read it.  How mortifying.

    My word: ‘congress35’.  He’s not getting any.

  11. Ruth says:

    The dude’s writing credits include Doogal? The only children’s movie I’ve ever turned off without finishing? Yeah, he’s got as much writing cred as a dirty diaper.

  12. Lucie Simone says:

    Don’t you just love it when someone with little to no knowledge about a subject then makes sweeping generaliztions about it? I live in LA, and there are plent of unkempt, unattractive women populating the place. They just don’t get on TV as much.

  13. Candy says:

    WHO THE FUCK MAKES ENOUGH TO SPEND $1700 A MONTH ON MAKE-UP AND FULL-BODY WAXING?

    Who the fuck WANTS to spend that much a month? Christ.

  14. Anyorother says:

    Until I read that article I didn’t realise how many swearwords I knew. What a contemptible little man.

    Is the entire point of the article to tell us that women of both nationalities are unworthy of having his manly rod bestowed upon us and therefore we will remained tragically unfulfilled as sentient beings? That whole shtick about American mothers caringly brainwashing their little darlings into self-loathing and painting made my flesh crawl as the daughter of a woman who refused to let either her son or daughter watch sexist children’s programming growing up. (Sooty and Sweep, because Sue was always left at home to do the cleaning up and never got to do anything fun, just in case anyone’s curious.)

    Still, at least he won’t have to worry about catching anything nasty off British women in the foreseeable future.

  15. Ann Bruce says:

    At least he’s honest…even if he’s a bigoted orc.

    And these women he surrounds himself with in the US?  Where do they get the effing $$$?  $1700 a month on beauty treatments?!?  I know multi-millionaires who don’t allow their trophy wives this much spending money.

  16. Ann Bruce says:

    The guy is either gay or wants to be famous. Though why someone would want to be famous for being an a-hole is beyond me. . . .

    Maybe he’s drumming up publicity for his movie.

    I even tried to engage my manicurist in conversation, but there too failed miserably . . . mainly, though, because my Cantonese is poor.

    For someone who was practically raised in a country known for its negotiating and peacekeeping skills (with maybe the exception of Tony Blair), I’m appalled.

  17. TracyS says:

    Sheesh. If I had an extra $1,700/month I’d be making an extra mortgage payment and extra home equity loan payment so I could pay those suckers off faster. I sure wouldn’t be waxing myself into oblivion.  Wow. This guy needs a reality check of what is realistic to expect in a woman.

    And who wants to bet that this fat girl he dated weighed in at oh, 140 lbs or so?!  I only wish I could be that fat again!!  After giving birth to and breast feeding two kids, this body sure as heck ain’t ever looking like a 20 year old body again. And do you know why? IT’S 34 FREAKIN’ YEARS OLD!

    Get a clue buddy.

  18. TracyS says:

    oh my gosh, I read the response he had on the Jezebel site. He talks about someone’s arse taking up two seats on the bus, then mentions a size 16 a little further down.  Does he not get it? A size 16 is not someone with a two-seater ass!!  I’m a size 16 and my ass fits in one seat just fine thankyouverymuch.  Although, my ass is really a size 12 with a size 16 waist above it, but I digress. . . . LOL

    He is just so freakin’ clueless I cannot believe it.

  19. Wry Hag says:

    I think Sherry’s right.  The real tragedy here isn’t that yet another asshole is squirting out shit, it’s that many women, regardless of country, find dickheadism appealing.  (Pardon me for mixing my anatomical metaphors.) 

    Why else are the vilest of murderers inundated with letters from fangirls?  Why else are odious and often talentless rock stars slavered over by groupies?  Why else blah-blah-blah?  The list goes on.

    This nimrod’s garden-variety humbuggery doesn’t much bother me.  But if dimwits and enablers were to embrace him because of it, then I would be bugged.

  20. Janice says:

    Um.. I think I know why he’s single.

  21. “He’s managed to miss the point of Bridget Jones’s Diary as well.  Bridget doesn’t get Mark Darcy by ‘improving herself’—he likes her just the way she is.  It’s a line in the film for goodness sake!”

    He’s a man, of course he missed the point.

    He’s being provocative to stir up interest and attention for himself – and it’s working.

    And I had the same thought that Sherry did – some women out there are going to flock to him to “prove him wrong”.

    Whatever – best policy is to “not take things so seriously” and just ignore the fool.

  22. Bernita says:

    “The grassy marshlands of Canada.”
    The quality of his ignorance is not strined, I see.
    Marshlands? As in bogs?
    I’d be happy to drop him in one, however.

  23. Over the last month, I’ve gotten tired of looking, well, tired, so I’ve started taking better care of myself.  Let’s break it down.

    Haircut, color, and highlights at the beauty school: $35
    Updated makeup: $25 at the grocery store
    New clothes that actually fit: $100
    Manicure: you must be kidding
    Pedicure:  I have no toenails.  I keep wanting to schedule a pedicure just to fuck with their heads.  “Ma’am, your toenails… um…”  Me—“Yes?  What’s the problem?”  *hee*
    Waxing: Eyebrows only, and I do it myself with those little pre-waxed strips for $5/box.

    Um… I’m trying to think of anything else I’ve done.  I think that’s it.

    So all told, about $165 spent on my makeover.  I’m clearly a fat ugly cow because I didn’t spend ten times that.  Or is that an indication of my intelligence?  Because clearly I can’t be intelligent AND pretty.  Snort.

  24. SB Sarah says:

    How is it that you have no toenails?

    I mean, I only have 9 toes (polydactyly runs in my family) and I have to admit I’m amused when the pedicure technician gets to my last “toe” and stares for a moment… but no toenails at ALL!?

  25. Anon 76 says:

    Bah!

    In the US, if this man had a radio program, he would be called a “shock jock”.

    This type has been around since at least the 70’s, and their sole purpose is to generate buzz for personal gain. Ratings, future sales, fame, etc.

    The more people you piss off, the greater the gains. The “shock jock” doesn’t even have to totally agree with everything spewed from his/her mouth, as long as it sets the largest number of people into a frothing fit of outrage.

    Why? Well you see it happen all the time on the internet when we talk about the train wrecks going on in author/pub lands. Often, try as you might, you just can’t help being drawn into the debacle. As we know, bad publicity can generate sales too.

    So for me, I read the article and decided I couldn’t be bothered with increasing the hype for this idiot. The only way to hurt him is to contact the publication if you regularly subscribe or hit the site, and say you won’t be reading anything there anymore. Commenting on the article just gives the idiot draw power.

    My 2 cents.

  26. Patrick says:

    Calling this guy a clueless Neanderthal would be an insult to Neanderthals.

    He expects women to spend $20K per annum to do what? Attract the likes of him?

    Not in this universe.

  27. Sarah, I had psoriasis of the toenails.  Didn’t even know you could get it there, but naturally I have to be weird.  There were two options—loads of medications that probably won’t work and would cost a bomb, or have surgery to permanently remove the toenails.  My answer?  Buh-bye, pesky suckers!

    I have never missed them.  I love my bald toes.  Amazingly, I wear flip-flops all the time and no one ever notices—although at my brother’s wedding, I did take the time to paint the spots my toenails would’ve been, just in case.  My sister-in-law laughed so damn hard at me for that.

  28. DebL says:

    Hmm. This guy hangs around with women who are spending $1700 a month on their looks as an investment in their future, and he wonders why they’re so keen to know how much money he makes?

    And I think I know what a woman could do to be good enough for him? Be 17 forever. Ick.

  29. dl says:

    Confession time?

    Always do my own nails & hair removal…frequently.

    If my dog runs with me, does she count as a personal trainer?

    Annual perm, never colored…the gray looks blonde, kinda like it.  Did invest in some new makeup and clothing colors so as to not look “washed out”.

    BUT, my haircuts cost twice what anyone elses fesses-up to (don’t tell the hubby).

    Amelia…New clothes (plural?) that fit for $100.  I’m totally envious, you must have a perfect bod.  For that amount, I’m lucky find a pair of jeans and a new bra.

  30. Joanna Bourne says:

    I hate to see anyone in the writing business be this self-absorbed and this shallow. 

    He looks at the women of America and the UK—
    the 16-year-old junkies, physics professors, single mothers with a mortgage to pay, ranchers in Elk’s Elbow, Minnesota, proofreaders, chief surgical nurses, founding members of UFO Sighting International, Boy Scout den mothers, oncology patients, Wall Street marketing executives—

    and he chooses to discuss their …
    grooming.

    One wonders what insights about the human condition illuminate his movies.

    How sad that what’s-his-forgettable-name has a platform to speak to the world and uses it for rather nasty drivel.

    Compare—Joss Whedon.

  31. Karen Scott says:

    It’s all just a big bid for free publicity at a guess. 

    By the way, I actually bet that there will be women queuing up to sleep with this guy, and they probably wont give a rats arse that he doesn’t seem to have much respect for them. 

    Some women just don’t care who they sleep with as long as his wallet is full.

    Am I the only one fascinated by the depth and breadth of his eyebrows?  You’d think he’d take his own advice and get the fuckers plucked.

Comments are closed.

By posting a comment, you consent to have your personally identifiable information collected and used in accordance with our privacy policy.

↑ Back to Top