You did it! We figured this one out! It is a truth universally acknowledged (by me for certain) that the Bitchery pretty much knows everything, and really, it's true. Scroll down to see the solution for this HaBO - and many thanks!
Bitchery Reader Pennifer sent me this HABO request, and I seriously had to read it twice because it was SO AMUSING OMG LIKE DAMN HELL WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST:
Given the incredible success rate of the bitchery at helping people re-discover long lost favourites, I thought I would add my request.
It’s a book I read 10-12 years ago (but it may have been older than that) and the heroine was called Charity or Chastity or something like that. It was set in America in the 1500s/1600s (I’m sorry, my American history is pretty rusty). I do remember the highlights of the plot, though. The book starts with the heroine living with her cousins or distant family of some sort, who were Puritans. Her cousin forced her to have sex with him, and she was put on trial for witchcraft, because the cousin said that she tempted him. The judge sentenced her to something (death? maybe?) because she was so darn beautiful that she must have been a witch. On her way to her punishment she was rescued by a highwayman, who happened to be rescuing a friend who was also sentenced to death. She sexes up the highwayman, then runs away from him and ends up on a plantation, where she falls in love with the owner. The owner is devoted to his wife, and so resists our heroine’s wiles, even though there is something funky going on with the wife (there was some business in here about a green dress, although I cannot for the life of me remember what the relevance of it was).
She then gets taken away from the plantation by pirates, and ends up with the head pirate, who of course, is having an affair with the plantation owner’s wife. The head pirate decides to pimp out the girl, and her first customer is the highwayman, which makes her happy but pisses the pirate off, because she’s his twoo wuv. Eventually, the pirate takes her back to the plantation, because she keeps going on about the insipid owner, but then she has an epiphany and realises that it’s the pirate she loves, but he won’t have anything to do with her by this stage. So, she basically emasculates him in front of his crew, taunts him with her nekkidness and then they live happily ever after.
I would love to find out if this book is as insane and hilarious as I remember it being, because that right there is a lot of sexxoring. Any help would be greatly appreciated. You can imagine doing a google search on variations of “pirate highwayman puritan” is turning up some freaking weird crap and not really helping me find this book.
At first I thought she’d conflated (2 sips!) at least two books, maybe three, because that book is crazy lettuce with a delicate dressing of moonbat. But if it’s real, oh MAN. That’s just epic.
Looks like it could be by Bertrice Small. Certainly sounds godawful enough 😉
Oh god. One of my friends had her first romance novel be a Bertrice Small, and she LOVED THEM. The only excuse I could make for her tastes was that she didn’t know there was better out there.
It sounds like it was Bertrice Small, but was the novel serious in tone, or did it make light of itself?
Well if it was set in America it was certainly set in the 1600s and if there’s witch trials and plantations it’s mid to late 1600s. And if the author was really cliched and did the Salem witch trial route it was 1692. That’s all of I got as to time period.
Will I be burned at the stake if I say the first name that leapt to my mind was Kathleen Woodiwiss? I think it was the pirates thing and plantation thing.
But that is a whole lot of sex going on.
The pirate pimps her out because she’s his ‘twoo luv’? Sounds like something by Judith McNaught to me.
It can’t be Bertrice Small because there would be a harem and some sheiks in there somewhere if it were.
But man! What a trainwreck! Could it be by Shirlee Busbee? Or Heather Graham?
It’s not Kathleen Woodiwiss or Judith McNaught that I remember. I’ve never read Beatrice Small.
Dear god. If it is actually one book…I want to know what it is. I will read it. That’s for sure. Just for the insanity factor. 😉
I know this isn’t the book, but certain elements of it are so very similar to “The Witch of Blackbird Pond” by Elizabeth George Spear, that I had to mention it. The protagonist is a young woman named Katherine, or Kit, who is raised in the Barbados but is shipped in the late 1600’s to her Puritan cousins in New England, where her strange ways and colorful dress are viewed as possible signs of witchcraft.
I don’t remember any cousins forcing her to have sex or anything about pirates (although there is a witchcraft trial, and she marries a sea captain at the end of the novel) – but it’s been almost three decades since I read it. I do recall a “peacock-colored” dress figuring in the story (it was a big deal in the novel), and on the cover of my old copy (way back in the 70’s), Kit was pictured standing by a pond, wearing a deep emerald green dress. I hope this helps.
It could be Rosemary Rogers. One of my favorites by her (WICKED LOVING LIES?) starts off with the heroine in a nunnery. She stows away on a ship and falls in love and sex with the captain. Together they romp with the Commanches, the courts of Paris, a harem in India, a New Orleans high society ball where its discovered shes black. They get married someplace in there. She gives birth but the harem dude tells her its dead. The lover/pirate/captain steals the kid from the dude and returns it to her later and they live HEA.
Check out Rosemary Rogers.
I have never read “The Witch of Blakcbird Pond” but isn’t it a YA book? Maybe not, but I seem to remember seeing it in my school library when I was a kid. I went to a church affiliated private school so I can’t imagine there would have been a book with lots of sexxoring there.
MaryKate is right about Bertrice Small. When her heriones get kidnapped and hijacked to be sex slaves they always go to the Mid-East or Inidia. Don’t ask me how I know that. I shall not tell.
I found this on some Simon & Schuster forum:
Valerie Sherwood, This Loving Torment; Warner Books, 1977
Perhaps the brawling colonies would have been safer for a plainer girl, one more demure and less accomplished in language and manner. But Charity Woodstock was gloriously beautiful with pale gold hair and topaz eyes—and she was headed for trouble. She was accused of witchcraft by the man who had attacked her. She was whisked from the stake by a highwayman in whose arms she found joy but no sanctuary. Fate flung her from the manor of a Dutch patron to the simple hut of a Quaker, from pirate ship to plantation. Beauty might have been her downfall, but Charity Woodstock had a reckless passion to live and a fine determination to give herself only for love. She would challenge this new world—and win.
Date: 1686-1688
Locations: Massachusetts, New York, Charles Towne, Caribbean
Aw, yeah—Carrie for the win!
Up to a point, this description reminded me of a Jill Gregory book, Promise Me the Dawn. But I don’t recall pirates or plantations in that.
Valerie Sherwood, This Loving Torment; Warner Books, 1977
Sounds like a winner to me. Or the opposite of winner because that still sounds like a terrible book.
Sweet going, Carrie! Even better, at least 78 libraries in the US (and probably some international) say they own a copy of it. Whether or not it can actually be found on the library’s shelf is a whole ‘nother matter.
Daaaaamn, Carrie!
Woo for learning it’s a Sherwood! But, dang, my first reaction was “is it a Beatrice Small?”
What is it about historicals of a certain time period (of which Beatrice Small is a strong example) that has their heroines having lots (as in a sucession of)of partners? (B.Small in particular seemed to have a penchant for adultery, which I don’t want to read about. Have a menage? Fine. Have a committed quad, whatever. But I don’t want to read about cheating.)
Now (separate from the B.Small stuff above) I’m not saying sowing one’s oats is wrong or right (b/c I’m in no position to make that call), I’m just saying that when I read a Romance, I’m kind of looking to read about the part of the character’s life when she finds that love (or loves) for the HEA.
This sounds bad enough to be good. What a wild plot.
I won my Bitchery title ages and ages ago by doing a wicked web search. No different here 🙂
Carrie,
aka lovelysalome
Baroness Huntinne-Muffine
The Spear book is YA and NO sexxoring in it all. Still, it was a lovely book and I read it a billion years ago.
Curious as to how much a copy of “This Loving Torment” would be, I looked up Valerie Sherwood on ebay. And there’s a lot of six of her books.
Including “These Golden Pleasures.”
ZOMGWTF, there was water play in 1970s romance?!1!!!!11!
Wow, Carrie’s amazing!
And LorelieLong’s comment made me spew my afternoon tea.
Bowing to Carrie supreme goggling skills!
Am I wrong, but were the romances of the 70s much more liberated in a funny sort of way? I remember all those Rosemary Rogers books where the heroine has, like, four husbands and has sex all over the globe. Admittedly, they weren’t exactly romantic, because the heroine always hates the hero until the very last second of the story. But there was a kind of blowsy, free-form, over-the-top quality that seems lacking from today’s rigid, formulaic historicals.
A lot of romances I’ve read in the past year seem like they’re written by consensus—as if the author is afraid to offend against the multitude of cardinal sins: no cheating, no slutty behavior, no sex with others after she meets the hero, no big misunderstanding, no tantrums, no purple prose, etc.
omg – Rosemary Rogers is the only author I truly DESPISE. the 2 books I tried to read of hers both ended up denting the wall. don’t get me started.
I for one am glad there’s fewer big misunderstandings in romance novels because so often they were so ridiculously contrived that I just wanted to reach in the book and knock some heads together.
Ok, check this article out. It has vintage pictures of Rosemary Rodgers, Bertrice Small, Jennifer Wilde and (wearing something around her neck that looks like a PETA violation, Valerie Sherwood. Hope i don’t break your board, I know some people like to see what they are clicking on.
http://www.maryellenmark.com/text/magazines/life/905W-000-015.html
The convention described at the bottom of the article sounds like it could be the basis for Elizabeth Peters’ novel “Die for Love”, which is set at a similar (down to the gold heart pins?) romance novel convention. Great book, actually.
Topaz eyes?
DS: Oh. My. God.
Valerie Sherwood might be wearing something found on the PETA No-No List, but what I see in her eyes is more likely in the DSM-IV.
And what the fuck is Danielle Steel wearing?
Vienna, that’s something that really strikes me about British romances (Jilly Cooper, others): the heroines fuck up. They get drunk, they sleep with the wrong men, they blurt out things they shouldn’t have said, they go out in public with their hems dripping down. They are allowed be, not adorable messes, but messes. I wish American heroines had that freedom more often.
Hi, I’m new!
I have to admit Valerie Sherwood’s These Golden Pleasures rekindled my love for romance novels. Five years ago, I bought a copy from a thirft store for 25 cents because of the ridiculous title and cover. The story proved to be an insane epic with a schitzophrenic heroine and a blockheaded hero, yet I couldn’t stop reading. I was both horrified and fascinated, and left ravenous for romance.
Fortunately, I have since read much better stories with smart characters and no rape and contrived misunderstandings. Even though I’m relieved that the romance genre has evolved, I agree the heroines in the frenetic old bodice rippers did experience a more complex sexlife ( not counting the rapes ). Sometimes I do get tired of the virginal heroine formula.
I think it might be The Devil in My Heart by Stephanie Blake.
In an Age of Forbidden Passions,
A Searching Heart Longs for Freedom . . .
A strict upbringing in King William’s England had taught beautiful Samantha West that it was a woman’s place to be seen but not heard, obedient and unquestioning. But headstrong Sam was determined to speak her mind and follow her independent heart – at any cost.
When her wealthy and influential father could no longer tolerate her stubborn temperament, he sent her to Salem, Massachusetts, to live under the watchful eye of her Puritanical brother. There she would discover the perilous price of straying from society’s rules, would stand trial to damning accusations. But she found shelter in the warm embrace of handsome Raymond Grant – who unearthed a fiery passion beyond her wildest dreams!
On the front cover is a black haired vixen, her curly haired lover and pirate ships.
That link would be: http://historicalromancewriters.com/BookInfo.cfm?BookID=28503 See if that cover looks familiar.
I know she said chastity or charity, but her description really hit on this one in my memory.
So slow in responding – yes, “The Witch of Blackbird Pond” is YA, which is why I was very doubtful that it was the book being described. It was the witchcraft and green dress that made me wonder…
Anyway, now I have to find a copy of “This Loving Torment” – it sounds so phenomenally bad, it must be good, right? 😀
I’m glad I’m not the only one who immediately thought of THE WITCH OF BLACKBIRD POND: The XXX Version.
That + the recent porno PIRATES would be similar to this book…
Holy crud, I SO need a copy of that. You know, so I can pervert my childhood that last little bit.
OMG, Carrie, that’s it! Thank you so much!
It’s probably one of the first romances I ever read, although I have no idea how I got my hands on it. Now that I’ve seen that description, I remember the topaz eyes and the mane of golden hair. I also remember the male characters constantly musing on the beauty of her hair, strangely enough.
I have fond memories of reading it, but looking at the plot now, it’s probably going to be terrible, even worse than the train wreck SB Sarah called it. I can’t wait to get a copy of it!
I remember reading this book when I was much, much younger, at my grandmother’s house. I inherited all of her trashy novels a few years ago, and after reading this post, I rummaged through the pile and managed to find a copy…It’s definitely a hefty 528 pages. I’m almost tempted to read it…
SB Sarah: Review this! Please! I really need a good snark fix.