There are so many romance reader stereotypes that we fight against: we’re dumb. We wear sweatshirts embossed with puffy paint kittens with really big sad eyes. We’re in the midwest of the USA. We buy mindlessly because we’re dumb. And we’re dumb. And prone to repeating ourselves.
And we Smart Bitches know that’s horsepucky.
But there is one romance reader stereotype that needs to be addressed: we’re sexually repressed creatures. We need our romance novels to give us ideas of what sex is like because we can only accept it within the confines of a romance. Orgasm? What’s an orgasm? The dance as old as time? Dude. Sounds crusty.
Adding to all that sexual repression we try so hard not to talk about, we also have NO IDEA what to buy ourselves for the holidays. With Hanukkah sneaking up and spanking my ass on December 5 (WTF, yo? Can the holidays just STAND THE HELL STILL FOR ONCE!?!) and Christmas and Kwanzaa and New Year’s all lined up behind it, there’s a lot of gift giving potential for us sexually stifled readers of romance.
Now Jane over at DearAuthor has been writing the gangbusters hellagood guide to eBook readers and your technology options therein, since our gift-giving befuddled selves might appreciate the technological portability of eBook readers.
But what about our sexually repressed, frigid, unhappy selves, who seek out our girl porn romance novels for safe and cozy consensual sexxoring? The Smart Bitches Guide to Holiday Gifts is here to help! eBook readers? PAH! Only if they VIBRATE at the crucial moments!
Thanks to Bitchery reader Sherri, who sent me the link, we have vibration options. You can get off literally and emotionally if you’re listening to audio recordings of romance novels. The OhMiBod vibrator hooks up to your iPod and, well, allows you to Sing Along with Colin in a whole new way, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. There’s also a cellphone option that allows your cell phone to help you answer The Call more joyously, using the cell signal to trigger a vibration that lasts so long as you’re on the phone. The site even has videos where you can check out the OhMiBod in action.
No, no, don’t thank me. It’s the least I can do to help.
But wait, there’s more!
Marta Acosta sent me the following link, and I have to say, I’m profoundly grateful. This entire site is a treasure trove of gifts for every occasion. But let’s start with the obvious gift for those of us who are unsure of what the author means when there’s a reference to the “love grotto,” the “womanhood,” the “moist canal of her lovliness:” The Wondrous Vulva Puppet. Screw Lamb Chop. We need to hear our bodies talk and read aloud our favorite romance passages (hur), and what better way than with a velvet and silk vagina? From Divine Wine to Passionate Purple, your vulva can also be the centerpiece of your bedroom’s decor.
Should you be writing your manuscript (while listening to your vibrating iPod no doubt) don’t forget to familiarize yourself with the center of your universe which you can do with just a glance at your pussy pen. A jewel encrusted phallic writing implement with a diamond-enhanced vagina at the top? What more could a writer ask for?
And for that night out exploring your sexuality at the book store (in the romance aisle, obviously) there are two options for you. One: a crochet vulva pin which, should you forget what your vagina might look like rendered in a soft knotted string sculpture, will help you recall the wonder that is your woman’s center.
But what about formal nights? Clutch a little subversion under your arm with the fluffy Pussy Purse. Red ruffled lips inside feathers that will make your cat drool with anticipation of a gourmet snack, with a soft pink lining inside.
No, really, don’t thank me. The looks of wonderment and awe on the faces of your gift recipients is thanks enough for me. Happy Holidays!