The Smart Bitch Holiday Gift Guide

There are so many romance reader stereotypes that we fight against: we’re dumb. We wear sweatshirts embossed with puffy paint kittens with really big sad eyes. We’re in the midwest of the USA. We buy mindlessly because we’re dumb. And we’re dumb. And prone to repeating ourselves.

And we Smart Bitches know that’s horsepucky.

But there is one romance reader stereotype that needs to be addressed: we’re sexually repressed creatures. We need our romance novels to give us ideas of what sex is like because we can only accept it within the confines of a romance. Orgasm? What’s an orgasm? The dance as old as time? Dude. Sounds crusty.

Adding to all that sexual repression we try so hard not to talk about, we also have NO IDEA what to buy ourselves for the holidays. With Hanukkah sneaking up and spanking my ass on December 5 (WTF, yo? Can the holidays just STAND THE HELL STILL FOR ONCE!?!) and Christmas and Kwanzaa and New Year’s all lined up behind it, there’s a lot of gift giving potential for us sexually stifled readers of romance.

Now Jane over at DearAuthor has been writing the gangbusters hellagood guide to eBook readers and your technology options therein, since our gift-giving befuddled selves might appreciate the technological portability of eBook readers.

But what about our sexually repressed, frigid, unhappy selves, who seek out our girl porn romance novels for safe and cozy consensual sexxoring? The Smart Bitches Guide to Holiday Gifts is here to help! eBook readers? PAH! Only if they VIBRATE at the crucial moments!

Thanks to Bitchery reader Sherri, who sent me the link, we have vibration options. You can get off literally and emotionally if you’re listening to audio recordings of romance novels. The OhMiBod vibrator hooks up to your iPod and, well, allows you to Sing Along with Colin in a whole new way, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. There’s also a cellphone option that allows your cell phone to help you answer The Call more joyously, using the cell signal to trigger a vibration that lasts so long as you’re on the phone. The site even has videos where you can check out the OhMiBod in action.

No, no, don’t thank me. It’s the least I can do to help.

But wait, there’s more!

Marta Acosta sent me the following link, and I have to say, I’m profoundly grateful. This entire site is a treasure trove of gifts for every occasion. But let’s start with the obvious gift for those of us who are unsure of what the author means when there’s a reference to the “love grotto,” the “womanhood,” the “moist canal of her lovliness:” The Wondrous Vulva Puppet. Screw Lamb Chop. We need to hear our bodies talk and read aloud our favorite romance passages (hur), and what better way than with a velvet and silk vagina? From Divine Wine to Passionate Purple, your vulva can also be the centerpiece of your bedroom’s decor.

Should you be writing your manuscript (while listening to your vibrating iPod no doubt) don’t forget to familiarize yourself with the center of your universe which you can do with just a glance at your pussy pen. A jewel encrusted phallic writing implement with a diamond-enhanced vagina at the top? What more could a writer ask for?

And for that night out exploring your sexuality at the book store (in the romance aisle, obviously) there are two options for you. One: a crochet vulva pin which, should you forget what your vagina might look like rendered in a soft knotted string sculpture, will help you recall the wonder that is your woman’s center.

But what about formal nights? Clutch a little subversion under your arm with the fluffy Pussy Purse. Red ruffled lips inside feathers that will make your cat drool with anticipation of a gourmet snack, with a soft pink lining inside.

No, really, don’t thank me. The looks of wonderment and awe on the faces of your gift recipients is thanks enough for me. Happy Holidays!

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Chrissy says:

    Well my fluffy painted pink kitty sweatshirt and I are totally not talking to you!

    I have to go have some toast with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter now.  I feel really lonely.


  2. 2

    *Sigh*  If only the pen came in a fountain pen model! 

    But if it did, it would probably leak ink.

  3. 3
    Emeline Greene says:

    That purse should be a book cover. Talk about clutches! Ho ho!

  4. 4
    Cori says:

    One day, someone is going to slap a USB port on the Hitachi Magic Wand, and I will no longer leave my house.

  5. 5
    darlynne says:

    “Look, honey, see that Wondrous Vulva Puppet? That’s right, I first saw your beautiful self peeking out of something just like that … maybe less purple, hopefully a little smaller … but there you were.”

    The WVP as sex education toy, the answer to where babies come from. Sarah, I can never thank you enough. Really.

  6. 6
    Teddy Pig says:

    The Wondrous Vulva Puppet

    Does this have something to do with The Vagina Monologues?

    Is this so you can keep up your end of the conversation?

  7. 7

    Does this have something to do with The Vagina Monologues?

    Yup. It’s for the guys: if you don’t have a vulva of your own, bring your wondrous vulva puppet. *g*

    I saw The Vagina Monologues at a conference about two years ago. The funniest thing about this play? The man sitting next to me (a respectable professor from a respectable German university): he started to fidget in his chair about a third into the play…

  8. 8
    AmandaG says:

    I can just see me unwrapping one of those in front of the in-laws on Xmas morn. roflmao

  9. 9
    Charlene says:

    I laugh uproariously when straight guys say we’re “repressed” because we don’t get off on what straight guys get off on. (Who other than straight guys does? But that’s the problem, I guess. What turns them on must be respected, even worshipped (or you’ve got sand in your vagina) but what turns anyone else on is weird and sick.)

    I get annoyed when other women say we’re “repressed”, if only because they seem to be saying it more to get in guys’ good books than because they actually believe it themselves.

  10. 10
    fiveandfour says:

    *Sigh* If only the pen came in a fountain pen model!

    But if it did, it would probably leak ink.

    And be all tapped out before your job is done.

  11. 11
    Ann Aguirre says:

    Dude. That chick in the demo video totally has my Ipod. I’m not sure if that’s hot or creepy. Maybe it’s heepy.

    But if I was trying to star in that video, things would be a lot different (apart from her total hotness and my total notness). I’d get comfy, and 10 second in, the dog would start barking and scratching at the bedroom door. The kids would come up to see what the trouble was.

    “Mom? What’re you doing? Mom, are you in there? Mooo-oooom… the dog won’t leave the cats alone and I can’t find my… “

    I turn up Ipod. It doesn’t help. I sigh, turn all gadgets off, and reflect, once more, that kids are the best suppressor for sexual urges.

    I truly believe that if teenagers were forced to spend long periods of time looking after small children, it would dampen their desire to engage in any activity that might conceivably result in small children.

  12. 12

    Now you’ve done it, fiveandfour.  I’m looking at the handsome crystal inkwell on my desk, thinking that what I really need is a vulva shaped inkwell I can keep dipping the pen in.

    There’s a holiday gift I can use!

  13. 13
    rebyj says:

    beats the hell outta fruitcake!

  14. 14
    SB Sarah says:

    “Beating the fruitcake” is my new favorite euphemism.

  15. 15
    Ciar Cullen says:

    Can we go back to cover snark or something? I have the cumulative willies from this.

  16. 16
    Molly says:

    Jean Teasdale takes offense to this post.

    Or would if she could read blogs.

  17. 17
    JBL says:

    This url ( was literally one of the things I got for Christmas from a friend when I was 18. It’s not just a basic, glossed-over site all about the clitoris, either.

    It’s pretty much the definitive on everything sexual about women, from sexy but informative essays on anatomy and kinks to guides on how to multiply orgasm and female ejaculate.

    Combined with (, I think I just gave all of you other lurkers a really great holiday gift. Screw the family! Do something for you this year! Lock yourself in the bedroom (or lock your partner in there with you and call all the shots) and enjoy yourself, for you, without worrying about anything else, just you, for four hours.

    Just four. Demand nothing of yourself or your partner except to have a good time. I think all of us “repressed” readers will be really glad we did.

  18. 18
    Charlene says:

    I just looked at that crocheted vulva pin.

    That’s about ten cents’ worth of wool and fifty cents’ worth of pin for $27.00.

    I’m in the wrong business.

  19. 19
    TracyS says:

    Did anyone look at the price of that Vulva Puppet? $125!!!!  For that price you can pay someone to let your kid watch an actual birth!  But then you wouldn’t have something to throw on your couch as a conversation piece I guess! LOL

  20. 20
    denni says:

    We loves us some rubber boots…the ones from the author video awhile back.

  21. 21
    Qadesh says:

    Am I the only one who thought the vulva pins more resembled amoebas than a part of the female anatomy?

  22. 22

    I’ll admit, the OhMiBod intrigues me, just because I’m something of a music junkie.

    But the one question I really have is this:

    What do you get when you combine the OhMiBod and Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture?

  23. 23

    Beat the hell out of traditional gifts.

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